What a surreal
past 2 weeks I've lived. The moment Charlotte was
gone, everything started to sink in. As the days
passed I slowly began to realize just how close
I was. Somehow it frightened the hell out of me.
FINALLY, it frightened the hell out of me. That was
the worst part about everything before: I wasn't
scared. It was a feasible, and rational decision in my
mind to end my life. To post that freaky video, and
take a bucket of pills while Jess was at work. I was
so, so close. I felt that somehow my actions would be
justified because the entries would then be unlocked,
and everyone would see what I was going through. I was
absolutely, out of my mind. Goddamnit I can't believe
it as I type. It seems worlds away.
What's really hit
me is that I let this happen. I somehow let myself be
in a position to lose complete control over who I was.
Not only that, but to erase every bit of fatih in
ANYTHING I was. I allowed what someone else
thought of me to matter to SUCH a degree, that
ending my life seemed like the best course of action.
The anger I feel at MYSELF for allowing that is
extraordinary. Everything I thought I was, I'm now
realizing I wasn't. Intelligent, strong...the
backbone of my character for nearly a decade was wiped
away by one person. How can this be!?!?! To this very
moment it is an amazing revelation. Yes, I can
look at everything as a learning experience, that I
got past a really difficult time...but it doesn't make
it any less harrowing. I'm simply not the person I
thought I was before. Hopefully I can be that person
now.
So where do you
find it again?
Heh...yeah - I'm
still pretty fucked up right now. I don't believe in
ONE part of me right now. In the most sincerest way I
can possibly communicate: I have no faith in my
ability to make it in any capacity. I'm not saying I
quit by any means. I'm just honestly admitting that
for the first time in my life I am absolutely
clueless. I may have been clueless to the road to take
pre-Charlotte, but I never lacked faith in my
abilities once I got there. Now it's the complete
opposite. No, actually that would imply I now know the
road...lol. I don't. I lack faith in EVERYTHING. I am
basically wiped out. It's why I keep stressing that
something positive needs to happen. Even the most
minute event can trigger a resurgence in my being.
Where or what it will be is really beyond me right
now.
I do know that
that event will lead to the completion of "Adam &
The Journey". The one-man show I told you about in the
last entry is every bit on hold as my life is. It's
because I'm realizing that what is happening to me
RIGHT NOW, is really the crux of the show. These
are the moments that will make that show successful.
It's storytelling at its finest. A character who
screams to the world "I'm moments away from making
it!" and 3 months later when talking into a camera in
the bathtub...envisions his finger in his mouth as a
gun and begins to weep. (sigh). On March 5th,
I made a video of me talking about everything. A
horrible, horrible tape. I had posted the "creepy"
piano video early that morning, and was contemplating
taking every bottle of pain pills we had in the house.
The desperation shown on the tape is just gut
wrenching. At one moment I just wondered what I'd look
like if I had a gun in my mouth. And then it
became so real... I took a look at the video this
morning and it's quite apparent that this IS the
Journey. It's not what I wanted it to be, but it
is in every essence what this is all about. So real,
so painful.
It's
also what I believe will make this one-man
show second to none. To have these moments
on tape, to watch someone crumble, only to
piece it together and move on... it's
perfect. It has the makings of something
special. I put this video
online
basically to END this part of my life. I'm
DONE dealing with this publically. Yes,
come fall I'll have to deal with this
again, but I'll be well past this by then.
Christ, this video is only 3 weeks old.
This'll show how close I was, and now
I HAVE to work on moving on. "Adam
& The Journey" is nothing without that
aspect.
Unfortunately, the
moving on part hasn't exactly happned yet. This all
relies on my life. And obviously I feel that event
that brings things beck into focus is the Chicago
Comedy Festival. An excuse to pack up my trailer, and
drive across country to do "The Trinitrons". Even
being able to go back to Columbus and perform. God I
want that. In the scope of "The Journey" it just
seems RIGHT. You know? If this were scripted, that's
what would happen. Unfortunately - this isn't...and I
don't have a good feeling about it. Oh well, all I can
do is wait.
And without a car,
that REALLY is all I can do. This car situation has
just gotten insane. It's now what, March 26th? 2
months without my car? I'm not sure what's more
pathetic, that I've been without it for so long - or
that it's really not made much of a difference in my
life. LOL. Yeah it's an inconvenience, but I have no
shows, no job, no reason for driving. Insanity. For
those who have shown interest, one check did finally
arrive (of course the smaller of the 2), but the
inital check is nowhere to be found. It was apparently
sent on the 13th and the lady who's been talking with
me is truly extraordinary. She actualy yells at me for
calling her so often. LOL. When I asked her to send
another check and to OVERNIGHT it this time, she
said that she couldn't do that. Because these weren't
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES. ROFL. My car has been
finished and waiting for me for 6 weeks? Wow. The guys
at the body shop are in utter shock. If I had a nickel
for everytime they've said: "In my 30 years of
business experience, I have never..." I'd be able to
pay for the car myself. The fact that the supplemental
check came (the one that was being argued), shows me
they're just inept - not trying to get out of paying.
We'll see what tomorrow brings. God I love calling
this bitch. She actually threw the phone down
yesterday in the middle of my sentence. I couldn't
BELIEVE it. I wasn't even mad, I was just
explaining to her that her timetable was off. She kept
saying that the reason for the delay of the first
check was because it was returned. HAHAHA. They've had
the original estimate from THEIR adjuster since
January 22nd. That's NINE WEEKS AGO. You
wanna know how many times I could send a check and
have it returned in that amount of time!??! LOL. My
luck is just incredible sometimes ain't it!
Heh...
Oh, speaking of
luck - it looks like "Waiting4Break" isn't
"soiree-thrower". So now I have a complete
STRANGER wanting to beat my ass at my next show. How
unfortunate for him that he had to pick NOW to say
that - LOL. Seeing as I haven't had a show in months
and there's none planned. That's too funny. Anyway,
I've since talked with "soiree thrower" and worked
some things out. He made it very clear that it was
NOT him, and in talking to him it was pretty
apparent that this wasn't his style. I guess he could
be lying to me, but I simply don't believe he is.
He's actually been quite cool with everything
considering. Apparently he never even read my letter
to him that night. So what I took as a sign of
shittiness was simply him ignoring the whole thing.
It's really too bad 'cause had he read it and
responded, the entry never would've gone up. And now
it's about the only unlocked tihng since January -
LOL. I'm rereading the entries periodically, and may
be changing a few things here and there. I certainly
don't want to hurt this guy, but the event REALLY
threw a mirror in front of my face and showed a side
of me that is incredibly important to the outcome of
this whole thing. I'm not even saying my reactions
were right, in hindsight...you
SHAKE HIS HAND. But it's a moment that
I really stopped and said: "NO. Everything is NOT
OK". It all lead to a few weeks later doing the same
thing with Charlotte. As well it was all in the midst
of the depression. A pretty solid 6-8 week period and
that was just a big ass moment. I am very sorry
that he forced it into a public forum, but now that
it's out here - we can ALL learn from it. I
hope.
Ugh...everything's
just so damn heavy right now. We all have
self-doubt...but unfortunately, that's ALL I
have. Even with Jessica, I see what she sees - and I'm
left with self doubt again. Jesus, in every
relationship I ever have - in every
CONVERSATION I ever have...I'm looking through
the other person's eyes, and listening through the
other person's ears. Constantly aware of how I'm being
perceived. It's horribly humiliating to be like this
when you feel so low. Man, just a strange, strange,
surreal time for me right now. I just don't feel
like I'm sane. Ya know? I have moments when I slip
back into the me I used to be... but for the most part
I feel lost inside my head. I don't even have
confidence when I speak anymore. LOL. This coming from
a talk show host at 19. Truly people, more self doubt
and lack of faith than Woody Allen, and Richard Lewis
combined. Then again, I thought of that comparison -
so I guess I'm still hiding in here
somewhere.
