ENTRY #187
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
10:50 AM, Tuesday, March 26th, 2002:
What a surreal past 2 weeks I've lived. The moment Charlotte was gone, everything started to sink in. As the days passed I slowly began to realize just how close I was. Somehow it frightened the hell out of me. FINALLY, it frightened the hell out of me. That was the worst part about everything before: I wasn't scared. It was a feasible, and rational decision in my mind to end my life. To post that freaky video, and take a bucket of pills while Jess was at work. I was so, so close. I felt that somehow my actions would be justified because the entries would then be unlocked, and everyone would see what I was going through. I was absolutely, out of my mind. Goddamnit I can't believe it as I type. It seems worlds away.
What's really hit me is that I let this happen. I somehow let myself be in a position to lose complete control over who I was. Not only that, but to erase every bit of fatih in ANYTHING I was. I allowed what someone else thought of me to matter to SUCH a degree, that ending my life seemed like the best course of action. The anger I feel at MYSELF for allowing that is extraordinary. Everything I thought I was, I'm now realizing I wasn't. Intelligent, strong...the backbone of my character for nearly a decade was wiped away by one person. How can this be!?!?! To this very moment it is an amazing revelation. Yes, I can look at everything as a learning experience, that I got past a really difficult time...but it doesn't make it any less harrowing. I'm simply not the person I thought I was before. Hopefully I can be that person now.
So where do you find it again?
Heh...yeah - I'm still pretty fucked up right now. I don't believe in ONE part of me right now. In the most sincerest way I can possibly communicate: I have no faith in my ability to make it in any capacity. I'm not saying I quit by any means. I'm just honestly admitting that for the first time in my life I am absolutely clueless. I may have been clueless to the road to take pre-Charlotte, but I never lacked faith in my abilities once I got there. Now it's the complete opposite. No, actually that would imply I now know the road...lol. I don't. I lack faith in EVERYTHING. I am basically wiped out. It's why I keep stressing that something positive needs to happen. Even the most minute event can trigger a resurgence in my being. Where or what it will be is really beyond me right now.
I do know that that event will lead to the completion of "Adam & The Journey". The one-man show I told you about in the last entry is every bit on hold as my life is. It's because I'm realizing that what is happening to me RIGHT NOW, is really the crux of the show. These are the moments that will make that show successful. It's storytelling at its finest. A character who screams to the world "I'm moments away from making it!" and 3 months later when talking into a camera in the bathtub...envisions his finger in his mouth as a gun and begins to weep. (sigh). On March 5th, I made a video of me talking about everything. A horrible, horrible tape. I had posted the "creepy" piano video early that morning, and was contemplating taking every bottle of pain pills we had in the house. The desperation shown on the tape is just gut wrenching. At one moment I just wondered what I'd look like if I had a gun in my mouth. And then it became so real... I took a look at the video this morning and it's quite apparent that this IS the Journey. It's not what I wanted it to be, but it is in every essence what this is all about. So real, so painful.
It's also what I believe will make this one-man show second to none. To have these moments on tape, to watch someone crumble, only to piece it together and move on... it's perfect. It has the makings of something special. I put this video online basically to END this part of my life. I'm DONE dealing with this publically. Yes, come fall I'll have to deal with this again, but I'll be well past this by then. Christ, this video is only 3 weeks old. This'll show how close I was, and now I HAVE to work on moving on. "Adam & The Journey" is nothing without that aspect.
Unfortunately, the moving on part hasn't exactly happned yet. This all relies on my life. And obviously I feel that event that brings things beck into focus is the Chicago Comedy Festival. An excuse to pack up my trailer, and drive across country to do "The Trinitrons". Even being able to go back to Columbus and perform. God I want that. In the scope of "The Journey" it just seems RIGHT. You know? If this were scripted, that's what would happen. Unfortunately - this isn't...and I don't have a good feeling about it. Oh well, all I can do is wait.
And without a car, that REALLY is all I can do. This car situation has just gotten insane. It's now what, March 26th? 2 months without my car? I'm not sure what's more pathetic, that I've been without it for so long - or that it's really not made much of a difference in my life. LOL. Yeah it's an inconvenience, but I have no shows, no job, no reason for driving. Insanity. For those who have shown interest, one check did finally arrive (of course the smaller of the 2), but the inital check is nowhere to be found. It was apparently sent on the 13th and the lady who's been talking with me is truly extraordinary. She actualy yells at me for calling her so often. LOL. When I asked her to send another check and to OVERNIGHT it this time, she said that she couldn't do that. Because these weren't EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES. ROFL. My car has been finished and waiting for me for 6 weeks? Wow. The guys at the body shop are in utter shock. If I had a nickel for everytime they've said: "In my 30 years of business experience, I have never..." I'd be able to pay for the car myself. The fact that the supplemental check came (the one that was being argued), shows me they're just inept - not trying to get out of paying. We'll see what tomorrow brings. God I love calling this bitch. She actually threw the phone down yesterday in the middle of my sentence. I couldn't BELIEVE it. I wasn't even mad, I was just explaining to her that her timetable was off. She kept saying that the reason for the delay of the first check was because it was returned. HAHAHA. They've had the original estimate from THEIR adjuster since January 22nd. That's NINE WEEKS AGO. You wanna know how many times I could send a check and have it returned in that amount of time!??! LOL. My luck is just incredible sometimes ain't it! Heh...
Oh, speaking of luck - it looks like "Waiting4Break" isn't "soiree-thrower". So now I have a complete STRANGER wanting to beat my ass at my next show. How unfortunate for him that he had to pick NOW to say that - LOL. Seeing as I haven't had a show in months and there's none planned. That's too funny. Anyway, I've since talked with "soiree thrower" and worked some things out. He made it very clear that it was NOT him, and in talking to him it was pretty apparent that this wasn't his style. I guess he could be lying to me, but I simply don't believe he is. He's actually been quite cool with everything considering. Apparently he never even read my letter to him that night. So what I took as a sign of shittiness was simply him ignoring the whole thing. It's really too bad 'cause had he read it and responded, the entry never would've gone up. And now it's about the only unlocked tihng since January - LOL. I'm rereading the entries periodically, and may be changing a few things here and there. I certainly don't want to hurt this guy, but the event REALLY threw a mirror in front of my face and showed a side of me that is incredibly important to the outcome of this whole thing. I'm not even saying my reactions were right, in hindsight...you SHAKE HIS HAND. But it's a moment that I really stopped and said: "NO. Everything is NOT OK". It all lead to a few weeks later doing the same thing with Charlotte. As well it was all in the midst of the depression. A pretty solid 6-8 week period and that was just a big ass moment. I am very sorry that he forced it into a public forum, but now that it's out here - we can ALL learn from it. I hope.
Ugh...everything's just so damn heavy right now. We all have self-doubt...but unfortunately, that's ALL I have. Even with Jessica, I see what she sees - and I'm left with self doubt again. Jesus, in every relationship I ever have - in every CONVERSATION I ever have...I'm looking through the other person's eyes, and listening through the other person's ears. Constantly aware of how I'm being perceived. It's horribly humiliating to be like this when you feel so low. Man, just a strange, strange, surreal time for me right now. I just don't feel like I'm sane. Ya know? I have moments when I slip back into the me I used to be... but for the most part I feel lost inside my head. I don't even have confidence when I speak anymore. LOL. This coming from a talk show host at 19. Truly people, more self doubt and lack of faith than Woody Allen, and Richard Lewis combined. Then again, I thought of that comparison - so I guess I'm still hiding in here somewhere.
Christ, will something please happen soon...
original video file
MARCH 2002