ENTRY #185
YouTube and Feedback link added 11.07.07
2:48 PM, Tuesday, March 12th, 2002 (yeah this is a link):
I've sat here for 15 minutes rewriting this first sentence. Whew...it's done.
Ok, I've wasted another 5 minutes on this sentence. This is just one HUGE, collosal entry. So much to cover - and absolutely LIFE changing events. (sigh) let's try this again...
First and foremost I need to make ammends with someone that I royally slandered in this journal. The mere fact that this is the foremost issue to me, considering what the rest of this entry holds, should speak volumes. Though it seemed the only possible explanation at the time, it wasn't...and I was horribly wrong.
Gary never called The Comedy Store as me...
It simply never happened folks. As someone who prides himself on not spreading rumors and innuendo - I am completely guilty of it and I feel like shit. Let me explain.
When I first got word that the person Charlotte talked to at The Comedy Store said I had called on 2 seperate occasions and wanted to know when I would be rebooked, and that that arrogance is what kept me from playing there again - the only reasonable explanation was Gary. (That is one LONG sentence) Gary was quite mad at me at the time of the show because I didn't thank him for his help. I was mad at him for a myriad of reasons, ALL OF WHICH were settled the night of the Christmas show on December 14th. He came to me, apologized, and we hashed it out. Then on the 11th of January I hear that he's still talking shit about me and that someone was calling in as me acting like a dick. Well all signs certainly pointed to Gary. I was fucking FURIOUS. I realized of course that this would've happened BEFORE he had made up with me, but it simply crossed a decency line - and I was FUMIN'. I wrote the the entry just spouting off my feelings and I DID NOT POST IT.
That's right - I locked that puppy up. I knew that this was all conjecture and although it seemed obvious who was to blame - I felt it had to stay locked.
On February 9th, however I unlocked it. I was going through a pretty horrific time in my life and was depressed to epidemic proportions...and no one could read why because even my current shit was being locked. The Gary incident was eating me up inside, and the fact that it was NOT BEING RESOLVED killed me more. Here is was a month later - and to my knowledge everyone at The Comedy Store thought I had done this!!! I had to get my side out. I unlocked the entry. People finally understood what was KICKING MY ASS, along with many other things. It felt good to finally let it be known what had really happened...
...or so I thought.
A month passes and there is still no resolution to all of this shit. I finally decide to actually call this guy myself and talk to the guy Charlotte spoke with 2 months previous. He told me it was a completely dead issue. As well, he said he NEVER said anyone called in as me. I asked him maybe 4 or 5 times and he reiterated that that must be some sort've miscommunication...that Charlotte had called for me, but never me personally. I told him that I had believed it was Gary (who he knew from when Gary was a manager there, as well as Gary's continued performances there), and he said: "Don't you think we'd recognize his voice?"
I instantly felt like a moron. The only "voice" other than his own that Gary does is a jewish gay-guy. LOL. As I hung up the phone I realized I had made a GRIEVOUS error. I actually RAN to Gary's apartment, knocked on the door and came clean. I explained why I had thought what I thought and apologized profusely. He was actually pretty relieved that I finally apologized. I told him I would make a public apology as soon as possible and take down the original entry. For history's sake, I've renamed it from "New Heights in Talking Shit" to "The Infamous Gary slander" and tell the story of what I thought had happened. I try to poke fun at what has been quite painful for both Gary and I, and hope that this new entry closes the book on the whole situation. Check it out (#167) when you can. As well, I've since personally told everyone I ever mentioned the story to in passing that this was indeed NOT the case, and if I didn't and you're reading this I'm very sorry. I tried my best.
And of course to Gary. Fucking-A man. I'm sure you went through a world of SHIT because of what I did. I said many things in that entry I simply never should've touched upon. I hope you realize that I just wanted the people reading the journal to understand why my depression was so acute. It was how I felt, and even if my feelings were UNFOUNDED - it still ate me up inside to NEARLY no-end. I am SORRY for any pain I caused you for the accusation. I would hope you could put yourself in my shoes for a moment, as well as any others who may be reading and thought I was just a delusional jack-ass, and see that with the information I was given...there was really no other explanation for someone calling up as me to the club. I see now that it was an incredible miscommunication, and once again - I am sorry.
In much the same vein as airing Gary's dirty laundry, grumblings about my "soiree-thrower" entrees are certainly making the rounds. Of course it always helps when someone prints the entries and GIVES them to people - LOL - but nonetheless it's out there. Many people feel that even though I don't use this person's name, that writing about it on the WORLD WIDE WEB is just uncool. Well to the WORLD, it means SHIT - because there is no name used. But to the people LIVING IN THIS COMPLEX, it means QUITE a bit - as they know exactly who I'm talking about. So here's how I feel...
I never wrote a word about anything until HE screamed obscenities at me in front of EVERYONE and brought this into the public. That was his action. Because of this action, I felt I needed to put my side out there for those who bothered to read it. And because of said "printer" more people have been able to see that. And really, that's pretty much it. I don't write about my neighbors people. I don't start fights, bitch about them online - and spend my time with all that. I put it in the journey because A) I have no fucking shows or anything else to talk about, and all the good shit is LOCKED...LOL - and B) it was quite a story of just the kind of people you run into out here. Now rest assured, from this point on - this shit is gonna STOP. I ain't writing about jack shit in this complex anymore - LOL. It just isn't worth it. I'm now getting physical threats from this anonymous "Waiting4Break" person who is either "soiree-thrower" himself or someone who actually wants to beat my ass simply for not shaking this dude's hand at a party. Am I turning 27 this year, or 17? It's like high school all over again. So all I can do is not add to the fire, and move on with life. But you'd better believe, if there are anymore threatening emails - they'll not only be made public, but I'll get in touch with AOL - find out exactly where the emails are coming from and call the police. Either way, as I said before, I'm certainly looking forward to the next show he said he'd be at...
Ok, next. My GOD I dread this next section... It certainly seems as though this needs it's very own entry - but there's not really a whole lot about the specifics I can talk about - so what would be the point...
Charlotte is no longer my manager in any capacity.
The reason why is the same as any reason anyone ever parts ways with their representation: irreconcilable differences. She believes we're on the right path, I don't. I feel it's changed for the worse in the past 3 months. I see the show as something that should be out there often, she feels quite differently. Thus as you know there hasn't been a show in well over a month and it easily would've been another month before one was even thought of being booked. As well the writing arguments have gotten to a point where I simply cannot continue. What kills me is the time, effort and money she has sunk into me - and will get zero return for. I tried proposing more of "just a manager" type relationship, as oppoesd to her co-writing everything, but she said she had no faith in my writing ability alone, felt uncomfortable with me writing with someone else, and saw no potential financially with anything else I could offer. So there you go. It's in many cases exactly like a divorce. If the person simply doesn't believe in you or love you - you can't really argue. So you move on.
I've been asked if the entries would be unlocked now that it was over...absolutely not. I have enough respect for Charlotte's privacy to not do that. Yes, all the locked entries deal with my feelings of frustration and anger at our relationship, but they will NEVER be open to the public. Just as I wouldn't talk about Jessica if we were going through a break-up, and all apolgies for 1996 Burgundie-LOL, I won't talk about Charlotte. I'm sure though, you all have a pretty good idea of how horrific I feel about this crossroads in my life. I absolutely thhought I would be with Charlotte throughout my career. I had every faith imaginable in her. Hell, if you read the entries from October and November (give it your best shot, I can't even read the titles without feeling sick), I was on top of the world. Not just on top of the world, but a few months from officially "making it" and ending this "Journey" - to only 2 months later being at the lowest point in my entire life...
And here's comes the final bombshell - this is just gut wrenching. The thought of my family reading this embarrasses me to no end. I hold myself up to such standards and when I show such a weakness I just want to hide. As well, part of me feels that if I would've been able to talk openly about all my issues, I wouldn't have felt so trapped. Locking those entries basically shut me off to the world. In February I hit unimaginable lows. The lack of control over my life, the lack of faith in EVERYTHING lead me to such rage and anger, that I started taking some left ovewr vicodin from my deviated septum surgery last year to keep from hurting myself, or destroying something. I was absolutely losing my mind. No, I lost my mind. It continued throughout the month...the only time I was alright was when I was sleeping. My mind was so irrational at one point I actually considered suicide. To those reading you MUST think I'm exagerrating, but unfortunately since you know nothing of the locked entries - it seems out of place. The fact that I felt lost in my current situation, yet resolving that would basically mean I was back to where I was in the year 2000 - was almost too much to bear. I had nothing else to focus on and absolutely no control over my life. Every faith in any ability I had ever had was UTTERLY dead. I started to think of Kurt Cobain and what he must've felt like. He hated the stardom, but had no way to control that. He couldn't stop being a star NO MATTER WHAT. He was trapped in a world where he saw absolutely no escape. To me, there was nothing worse then not progressing, and ending the relationship with Charlotte not only meant not progressing - it meant taking a GIGANTIC leap back. The thought devastated me. Add to that the unresolved issues with Gary, and again many things within the locked entries, simply put me over the edge. The vicodin never became a habit thank GOD. It was probably only 3 or 4 days in the past 2 months that I felt if I didn't take something I would be in serious, serious danger. I did however take LARGE doses. Like 1500 mg at a time. Made me feel fine right away. Oddly enough, it actually somewhat made me think "everything was gonna be fine...there's nothing wrong" Scary as HELL what drugs will do to you.
It all came to a head one night when after a conversation with Charlotte about the script - I found myself yelling at Jessica for questioning me about anything. I had SOOOOO much RAGE in me. There's really no other word to describe it. She fought the tears, picked up the laundry and went to throw a load in and I just felt like the scum of the earth. I thought I had no other choice then to take 2 more vicodin to ensure I would not hurt her any further. Please be well aware that the worst thing I've ever done to Jessica is raise my voice...I would hit myself before her. Anyway, she came back in and I admitted what I had done. Her reaction was understandably angry and scared. I told her that this wasn't the first time, and that I certainly craved the feeling of instant calm brought to me no matter how enraged I was just moments before. We both agreed that this couldn't continue and I would have to deal with my problems soon.
Unfortunately that wasn't the end. I started hearing a song in my head. It was a theme from "Hatris" a game I downloaded. For some reason, it made me cry. I'm such a pussy. The melody just struck a chord in me that seemed like the absolute saddest, spookiest thing I had ever heard. I played it on the piano for hours. I was entranced by it. Over and over. It actually depressed me. I heard it playing as I saw my funeral. It was fucked up and I was completely straight at the time. I saw my caskett from INSIDE and my father consoling my little brother. It was one of the worst things I had ever visualized. I was certain I was going to go through with it. I was going to take every pill I could find and end it. All this while I played that song again and again. My first thought was of what everyone would think. I was somehow "fine" with Jessica, because she'd be able to go back home and find the domestic life she wants so badly. I wondered what would happen to those just reading "The Journey". They'd never even know why I had done it since everything was locked. But I assumed that in the future somehow, my entries would stand unlocked and opened for everyone to see. I saw myself as a source of inspiration in the future somehow - people this is totally irrational thought. I'm talking about being a source of inpiration by KILLING myself. Amazing how depression effects your rational thought. All the while, this loop over and over. So I taped it, and said a few words and made the video for Entry #182. When I posted it and sent the email, I fully thought that that was my swan song. That was it. That spooky fucking melody would haunt everyone and I would IMPACT people's lives. Absolutely INSANE thoughts people.
I made it through another day, and that's when I realized that I had nothing to lose by calling The Comedy Store myself to get to the bottom of it. I felt justified by the length of the loose end alone. And when I finally got through to the guy and found out that there was a miscommunication, it was this amazing since of...CONTROL. It was the first time I had taken control of a situation in what seemed like MONTHS. The elation was soon tempered by the fact that I had some BIG TIME apologizing to do to Gary, but for that moment - I was me again.
The issues have since been resolved and although I'm pretty fucking lost right now - I'm OK. Have I learned something? Oh my have I learned something. I will never, ever give that much control over my career to someone else again. No matter what anyone says to me, I will always keep another career path open, and actively pursue it no matter what. Even if I have nothing at the moment - the second I see me falling into the "total faith" mode - I will FIND something else. Not only will I never put my eggs in one career basket again, I won't ever put all my eggs into another PERSON again. What a strange visual THAT is...
The bottom line is at the end of the day, you're in the mirror - not your wife, your manager or your family. And YOU are responsible for how your life ends up. Blaming someone else for where you are is worthless - you allowed them to put you there. Wow... I was wrong to write that about Gary, I was wrong to give up control of my life, and then bitch when it was unsatisfactory, and I was wrong to take drugs instead of dealing with the issue. I just tied up every disjointed section of this entry with one theme: "Take responsibility for your actions..."
Who says I can't write.
MARCH 2002