- 12:25 AM, Sunday,
January 20th, 2002:
-
 -
- Yeah, there's
really no use in pretending anymore that I'm not an
actor. I can tell you how much I don't want it, how
much I hate being whittled down to a headshot and
resume, but take one look at that picture and you
don't think comedian, you don't think creative writer,
you think actor (that and Calvin Klein - LOL). AC-TOR.
In fact a complete stranger can look at that picture
and instantly know that I live in one of two
cities: New York or LA. So does this mean, I'm excited
about the new path I'm on for 2002?
-
- Hell
no.
-
- What fun would
this be if I couldn't BITCH the whole time. LOL. I
think it's this overwhelming fear, that 4tvs is truly
gonna mean shit. Now let me defend all the arguments I
can hear Charlotte or some of you saying
RIGHT OFF THE BAT.
-
- First, my point is
that if I make it solely on acting gigs, and climbing
the acting ladder - then there will have been no REAL
reason for 4tvs. Now, you're replies:
-
- "But if it weren't
for 4tvs, you wouldn't be out there!"
- -Not the point,
if it weren't for CARS I wouldn't be out here
either - fact of the matter is, I'll have made
it simply from acting - having NOTHING to do
with The Trinitrons or 4tvs.
-
- "But 4tvs shows so
much talent and creativity, you'll use that in other
ways"
- -Of course, not
arguing that point. I was creative before 4tvs, and
I'll be creative afterwards. It still doesn't
change the fact that I've sunk every hope and dream
into 4tvs as a vehicle to propel me - and it's
feasible that it'll mean SHIT. I could've just come
out on a bus, gotten some headshots and gone on
auditions.
-
- "If it wasn't for
4tvs you wouldn't have met Charlotte"
- -Best point
yet. But of course if THAT was all 4tvs was for,
I've certainly blown a year of my life huh?!?! LOL.
I met Charlotte in February 2001. We could've
easily just gotten headshots and done all this
then, but we felt 4tvs was the
vehicle...
-
- "You always knew
4tvs wasn't gonna last, so what's the problem?"
- -The problem in
my mind is that 4tvs was supposed to lead to
something different. Something unknown. Like the TV
show. Now that would be a perfect end to 4tvs. With
4tvs we developed the Trinitrons (something
COMPLETELY impossible without 4tvs) and developed
THAT show into the sit-com. Giddy-up. Doing
all the work with 4tvs leading to The Trinitrons,
only to become every other actor in this city is
absolutely demoralizing.
-
- "Dude, if you make
it - YOU MAKE IT - who cares
WHY OR HOW?!?!"
- -And here's
where it all becomes petty. This is a completely
correct statement. But I want, demand, and expect
more out of myself. Listen, I'll take it no matter
what...but I am absolutely determined to have the
concept that is 4tvs do more. I don't want to
perform 4tvs forever...I don't want 8 TVS for
christ's sake, I want to make damn sure that
the idea I had on November 3rd, 1998 - LEADS to
success. And if it turns out that I become
just another actor doing parts here and there -
I WILL BE MISERABLE.
-
- THIS is what I
mean when I say: "I'm not an actor". Of course
I AM an actor. I act. I enjoy it. I'm good
at it. But I could never spend the rest of my life
acting. Ever. My passion is creating and entertaining.
That indeed incorporates acting...and singing, and
writing, and editing, and EVERYTHING. But it's
creating a truly great piece of entertainment that
FUELS me.
-
- That's why 4tvs,
some WAY some HOW has to make it. It has to lead to
something truly unique and creative. The way The
Trinitrons (the sit-com) is shaping up - this could
very well happen...but it is indeed a longshot. It's
much more likely now that I become a working
actor in this city - living gig to gig - hoping to get
a bigger part. That's it. That scenerio will
eventually drive me OUT of this city. That is not
following my heart. And no matter how much Charlotte
says: "Wait'll you get a check if you're on a sit-com"
- that will pass. She obviously doesn't know me. I'm
not saying I would turn any of this shit down...I want
money. I'm not pulling a whiny "I'm in artist -
I won't SELL OUT" line...fuck that.
SHOW ME THE MONEY. What I'm saying is, is
that doesn't fuel me - and I have to do
more.
-
- So I am! That
solves that huh!?! Even though I'm now resigned to the
fact that I'm "Actor-Man" - you better believe I'm
performing The Trinitrons HARD. I want everyone to see
this and equate me with it so I'm NOT: just another
actor. I'm putting the pieces together for the sit-com
methodically and with the UTMOST purpose. I wanna
make that brilliant pitch and show these people how
blind they'd have to be to not want me on their
network. These are the things that drive me
now.
-
- ...but you're all
looking at the same pictures I am. LOL. It's hard to
ignore what the future could hold.
-
- You know it hit me
a few days ago as I was being a brat about all this...
What happens if YOU stop rooting for me? Ya know? What
if this "Journey" turns me into someone YOU can't
STAND to read about? You're excited when I fail,
and/or don't care. It's pretty plausible really. When
you're as honest as I am in these entries - you're
bound to hit nerves. And what if as 2002 draws to an
end - the whole thing is just nauseating. You get my
email and think:
-
- "Great, another
whining NOVEL about how he hates being blessed with
the talent to act. Fuck off Kontras."
-
- The thing is...I'm
aware of this. I think that perspective should
keep that from happening. I'm fully aware of how
"good" I have it. I do realize that most of you
HATE your jobs, and the last thing you want to
hear is some WHINY-DICK from LA crying about his
"hard" life of acting - so let me say what my TRUE
initial feelings were when I saw the
headshots:
-
 - "Woah.
That looks good."
-
 - "I look
like a goddamn GAP ad"
-
 - "(sigh)
I'm gonna catch shit for this
one..."
-
 - "Oh my
GOD, 9th grade school picture"
-
- The set of
"shaven" shots are simply jaw dropping. I personally
HATE every single one of them. I look instantly
20 pounds heavier (these were taken 15 minutes apart)
and 10 years younger. But oddly enough - these are the
"golden" shots. These are the puppies that are gonna
help me out a BUNCH. I'm 26 and can sincerely, without
makeup, play 14-30 years old. I can think of very few
people who can do that, and maaaaaaaaan is that a
plus. So no matter how ugly I think those puppies
are, they will allow me to go out for a myriad of
parts. That's one HELLUVA age-range. I mean look at
this:
-
- So you see, I'm
aware of the positives. This is not a bad day. And I
don't mean to be a pessimist about all of this. I'm
just watching my road change ahead. Aspen really
fucked things hard. My mindset before that phonecall
is COMPLETELY different now. And as much as that
sucks, at least I'm not kidding myself by going down
this new road. My car fits on this stretch of highway
QUITE nicely.
-
- Adam
-
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- original
video file
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