ENTRY #169
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
12:25 AM, Sunday, January 20th, 2002:
Yeah, there's really no use in pretending anymore that I'm not an actor. I can tell you how much I don't want it, how much I hate being whittled down to a headshot and resume, but take one look at that picture and you don't think comedian, you don't think creative writer, you think actor (that and Calvin Klein - LOL). AC-TOR. In fact a complete stranger can look at that picture and instantly know that I live in one of two cities: New York or LA. So does this mean, I'm excited about the new path I'm on for 2002?
Hell no.
What fun would this be if I couldn't BITCH the whole time. LOL. I think it's this overwhelming fear, that 4tvs is truly gonna mean shit. Now let me defend all the arguments I can hear Charlotte or some of you saying RIGHT OFF THE BAT.
First, my point is that if I make it solely on acting gigs, and climbing the acting ladder - then there will have been no REAL reason for 4tvs. Now, you're replies:
"But if it weren't for 4tvs, you wouldn't be out there!"
-Not the point, if it weren't for CARS I wouldn't be out here either - fact of the matter is, I'll have made it simply from acting - having NOTHING to do with The Trinitrons or 4tvs.
"But 4tvs shows so much talent and creativity, you'll use that in other ways"
-Of course, not arguing that point. I was creative before 4tvs, and I'll be creative afterwards. It still doesn't change the fact that I've sunk every hope and dream into 4tvs as a vehicle to propel me - and it's feasible that it'll mean SHIT. I could've just come out on a bus, gotten some headshots and gone on auditions.
"If it wasn't for 4tvs you wouldn't have met Charlotte"
-Best point yet. But of course if THAT was all 4tvs was for, I've certainly blown a year of my life huh?!?! LOL. I met Charlotte in February 2001. We could've easily just gotten headshots and done all this then, but we felt 4tvs was the vehicle...
"You always knew 4tvs wasn't gonna last, so what's the problem?"
-The problem in my mind is that 4tvs was supposed to lead to something different. Something unknown. Like the TV show. Now that would be a perfect end to 4tvs. With 4tvs we developed the Trinitrons (something COMPLETELY impossible without 4tvs) and developed THAT show into the sit-com. Giddy-up. Doing all the work with 4tvs leading to The Trinitrons, only to become every other actor in this city is absolutely demoralizing.
"Dude, if you make it - YOU MAKE IT - who cares WHY OR HOW?!?!"
-And here's where it all becomes petty. This is a completely correct statement. But I want, demand, and expect more out of myself. Listen, I'll take it no matter what...but I am absolutely determined to have the concept that is 4tvs do more. I don't want to perform 4tvs forever...I don't want 8 TVS for christ's sake, I want to make damn sure that the idea I had on November 3rd, 1998 - LEADS to success. And if it turns out that I become just another actor doing parts here and there - I WILL BE MISERABLE.
THIS is what I mean when I say: "I'm not an actor". Of course I AM an actor. I act. I enjoy it. I'm good at it. But I could never spend the rest of my life acting. Ever. My passion is creating and entertaining. That indeed incorporates acting...and singing, and writing, and editing, and EVERYTHING. But it's creating a truly great piece of entertainment that FUELS me.
That's why 4tvs, some WAY some HOW has to make it. It has to lead to something truly unique and creative. The way The Trinitrons (the sit-com) is shaping up - this could very well happen...but it is indeed a longshot. It's much more likely now that I become a working actor in this city - living gig to gig - hoping to get a bigger part. That's it. That scenerio will eventually drive me OUT of this city. That is not following my heart. And no matter how much Charlotte says: "Wait'll you get a check if you're on a sit-com" - that will pass. She obviously doesn't know me. I'm not saying I would turn any of this shit down...I want money. I'm not pulling a whiny "I'm in artist - I won't SELL OUT" line...fuck that. SHOW ME THE MONEY. What I'm saying is, is that doesn't fuel me - and I have to do more.
So I am! That solves that huh!?! Even though I'm now resigned to the fact that I'm "Actor-Man" - you better believe I'm performing The Trinitrons HARD. I want everyone to see this and equate me with it so I'm NOT: just another actor. I'm putting the pieces together for the sit-com methodically and with the UTMOST purpose. I wanna make that brilliant pitch and show these people how blind they'd have to be to not want me on their network. These are the things that drive me now.
...but you're all looking at the same pictures I am. LOL. It's hard to ignore what the future could hold.
You know it hit me a few days ago as I was being a brat about all this... What happens if YOU stop rooting for me? Ya know? What if this "Journey" turns me into someone YOU can't STAND to read about? You're excited when I fail, and/or don't care. It's pretty plausible really. When you're as honest as I am in these entries - you're bound to hit nerves. And what if as 2002 draws to an end - the whole thing is just nauseating. You get my email and think:
"Great, another whining NOVEL about how he hates being blessed with the talent to act. Fuck off Kontras."
The thing is...I'm aware of this. I think that perspective should keep that from happening. I'm fully aware of how "good" I have it. I do realize that most of you HATE your jobs, and the last thing you want to hear is some WHINY-DICK from LA crying about his "hard" life of acting - so let me say what my TRUE initial feelings were when I saw the headshots:
"Woah. That looks good."  
"I look like a goddamn GAP ad"
"(sigh) I'm gonna catch shit for this one..."
"Oh my GOD, 9th grade school picture"
The set of "shaven" shots are simply jaw dropping. I personally HATE every single one of them. I look instantly 20 pounds heavier (these were taken 15 minutes apart) and 10 years younger. But oddly enough - these are the "golden" shots. These are the puppies that are gonna help me out a BUNCH. I'm 26 and can sincerely, without makeup, play 14-30 years old. I can think of very few people who can do that, and maaaaaaaaan is that a plus. So no matter how ugly I think those puppies are, they will allow me to go out for a myriad of parts. That's one HELLUVA age-range. I mean look at this:
So you see, I'm aware of the positives. This is not a bad day. And I don't mean to be a pessimist about all of this. I'm just watching my road change ahead. Aspen really fucked things hard. My mindset before that phonecall is COMPLETELY different now. And as much as that sucks, at least I'm not kidding myself by going down this new road. My car fits on this stretch of highway QUITE nicely.
Oh wait, lemme bitch for just 27 seconds more. Here's the video.
original video file