1:11 AM, Saturday, December 30th, 2005:
I've gotta say, crossroads in life certainly do come in strange ways. This may be one of the stranger ones for the Journey.
So about a week ago Jess was gonna stand in line to get a 360. She figured she'd do the same thing I did, buy 2 - and sell one on Ebay. Unfortunately she was just too late and found out 12 hours in line just isn't enough (goddamn this thing is hard to come by). Oh well.
In my romps around the internet I found a guy willing to sell his 360 almost at cost and I jumped at it. I knew I could make a fortune on Ebay but I thought I'd surprise Jess and Greg (Yup, her guy from July) by shipping it to them and having us all chip in for it. This is where things get a little "grey". What's appropriate? Buying a $500 gift for your ex-wife is decidedly IN-appropriate. So I thought I'd chip in $100-$150, they'd both chip-in a bit and hey - we all win. This thing is impossible to find and to get it this cheap seemed like a no-brainer.
So I bought it and had the guy ship it directly to her. She was excited and spoke with Greg about it and he seemed slightly hesitant as he was planning a trip to Italy with her, but if she really wanted it - he'd jump in.
I immediately felt sick to my stomach. In an instant it felt overwhelmingly wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The reason? Anyone who has been in more than 1 or 2 long-term relationships knows this strange phenomenon I like to call "Spousing". Taking on the traits of your significant other. You may have never in your life given two shits about guns (just some WILLLLLLLLD example) but you meet someone who happens to sell them and you get interested, you learn about them - how to shoot them, so on. You're spousing. I watched more Food TV in the years I was with Jess than I ever have or ever will again, yet I turn it on from time to time and smile as it reminds me of her, and in fact I got addicted to "Unwrapped" because of her. But no matter, it's definitely a "Jess" thing now that it's gone and always will be.
What hit me so hard with this whole 360 thing, was that I was imposing an "Adam Spousing" thing on GREG.  Even with me chipping in $150 it's an extremely expensive "toy" that only incurs MORE expense buying accessories and games. He is mildly into games (I in fact actually made him a NES disc for his dreamcast for xmas), but is obviously really looking forward to Italy. That's his thing right now, he knows she's never gotten to travel and he's cementing that in their relationship. I immediately was in Greg's shoes. I pictured myself in a new relationship and trying to bond with that person, and having the ex-husband (who's already too goddamn close to my girlfriend) damn near FORCE me to buy some expensive ass thing I don't want. It was just wrong.
Why do I care if Greg likes me? LOL. I guess I don't really...but it's not about that. It's about universal right and wrong that I believe in like a religion. They have every right to let their relationship go through all the normal cycles without me interfering. And more than anything, the 360 is a communication tool. I was excited about the prospect of being able to play games online with Jess and stay in touch... and it's just apparent now, that we need to really stop that. We have hurt each other SOOOOOOOOO much for the last year because of our inability to just CUT OFF. It has stunted us to unimaginable lengths and it needs to stop. It cannot continue to bleed into 2006.
So I called her back and explained everything and she understood. Totally bummed, she really does want it - but it's just not affordable right now for her and and it's inappropriate for me to offer to "make it" even more affordable. So with all that, Marty Moose now has a 360 and is on payment plans to yours truly. (sigh). What a strange turn of events.
Speaking of strange, the 6th Annual Year-End Drunken Video surprised the ever-lovin' hell out of me: I didn't cry. Granted I was in the race of a lifetime to actually talk about the whole year in only one hour while getting drunk (as A MILLION things happened this year), but I didn't shed a tear. I believe that's the only time other than 2001 that that's happened. Crazy. It tells me a lot actually. I realllllllllly thought I would break down about Jess and not moving back to Columbus for her, yadda, yadda - and I didn't. At my weakest, least inhibitionest self - I guess I really believe that it was the right choice. She belongs in Columbus, I do not. Readers, insert sad sigh here. It's so funny, I've only written that 1,000 times in 2 years, but I still barely believe it. Hardest decision of my life. Hopefully it stays the hardest.
But it really does speak volumes as I show in the video. It was the exact opposite of what I thought and has really lead me to a re-evaluation of things. More on all that later. Year-end next, and then of course...2006. Wow, 105 entries in one year. Absolutely a record.