10:57 PM, Sunday, December 9th, 2005:
Boy I'm just collecting all sorts of baggage now that I think of it. Today my first marriage anniversary... in a couple weeks, the day Jess left... Ok, I'll go to therapy...but only if we can stream it live on the web. Gotta get some of that shit on tape. :-)
I don't want to say bitter. I've worked so hard to avoid resentment, and love both Burgundie and Jess very much. But as time goes by, and you look back on everything...it starts to add up. It's the definition of "baggage". Your fuse is automatically shorter, your trust in others is shaken - the road for the next person becomes bumpier, and little by little... yup, you become bitter.
So then I came across this video on the net of best friends "Siskel & Ebert". I say that semi-jokingly because they always acted like they were fighting over movies...but you knew they were good friends. Well, maybe not so much. I was flooooooooooooooooored by this clip. You almost do a double-take like you're being put on. It just made me stop and go: 
And boy that's a path ain't it? If just having your wife be your best friend is enough, than what the hell did we do?
To accept that as "enough" do we just get tired and say fuck it? Is the only reason people really get divorced is because they think they have enough "fight" in them to have a happier life? Because now, my fight is gone. I mean, it's goooooooooone. I can barely find the motivation to do anything these days. Luckily - as hard as The Journey is, it's autopilot. Writing an entry is therapy, so that's easily done - and somehow the pieces always fall together for the pics/videos/songs. It's kind of like what I was meant to do. 500 videos? 50 songs a year? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit that's nothing. That's just what I do. The rest? The career? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck me. I don't want to do a DAMN thing. I can't find a good reason to pursue anything...
...but I know I need to stay. God if this isn't the biggest kick-in-the-cock ever. WHY AM I HERE? WHAT DID I DO? It's the same question a year later. I mean no disrespect to Cassi, but she's well aware that she's come into the most surreal moments of my life. Thankfully, we just dig hangin' out together and really don't stress too much on the rest. We leave that stress to my entire other life that is both here AND there at the same time.
Which is probably why...Jess and I will struggle with the friendship for years but eventually we'll be what Burgundie and I are... a few words, a few times a year. So you have to be asking:
"Did something happen!??!!? Where's this coming from?"
No. It doesn't happen like that. It's just your body's reaction. I mean, this year is unfucking believeable. I love that I just made unfucking one word, and believeable the second. That's only funny on paper....errr monitor. Anyway - 2005 has been the biggest clusterfuck of emotions EVER. It is heart wrechning pain that as I put together the yearend DVD...I have to physically get up and go kill some Germans to cope (videogame). It is sooooooo painful. I have SO much regret, SO much doubt, SO much ANGER. I am bitter. I am sad. I feel abandoned. I am literally scared of my annual drunken video (6th straight year, whew) because I've been holding so much in the past several months I'm liabel to wake up the next morning, watch the tape and find.... I don't know - Spencer or something. LMAO. Wouldn't THAT be a good entry. I'm SOOOOOOOOPER, thanks for asking!! LOL. Unfortunately, no matter how bitter, hurt, and angry I may be at women... I luvem luvem luvem.
But yeah, so that Siskel & Ebert video really opened my eyes to "being friends" and just how little we really know about what we think. "Oh they have a happy marriage, oh THEY have the perfect..." No they don't. No, they, don't. Everyone's miserable. LOL....
Oh yeah - you know the saying, "Misery loves company"? Yeah, well that's bullshit and whoever said it has never truly been miserable. Melodrama loves company. Misery loves you to stay the fuck out of his face. GRRR. Just thought I'd throw that in here.
Strangest Entry of the Year Award: #481.