- 10:57 PM, Sunday,
December 9th, 2005:
- Boy I'm just
collecting all sorts of baggage now that I think
of it. Today my first marriage anniversary... in a
couple weeks, the day Jess left... Ok, I'll go to
therapy...but only if we can stream it live on the
web. Gotta get some of that shit on tape.
- I don't want to
say bitter. I've worked so hard to avoid resentment,
and love both Burgundie and Jess very much. But as
time goes by, and you look back on everything...it
starts to add up. It's the definition of "baggage".
Your fuse is automatically shorter, your trust in
others is shaken - the road for the next person
becomes bumpier, and little by little... yup, you
- So then I came
the net of best friends "Siskel & Ebert". I say
that semi-jokingly because they always acted
like they were fighting over movies...but you knew
they were good friends. Well, maybe not so much. I was
flooooooooooooooooored by this clip. You almost do a
double-take like you're being put on. It just made me
stop and go:
- "ARE PEOPLE EVER HAPPY WITH EACH OTHER?"
- And boy that's a
path ain't it? If just having your wife be your best
friend is enough, than what the hell did we
- To accept that as
"enough" do we just get tired and say fuck it? Is the
only reason people really get divorced is because they
think they have enough "fight" in them to have a
happier life? Because now, my fight is gone.
I mean, it's goooooooooone. I can barely find the
motivation to do anything these days. Luckily - as
hard as The Journey is, it's autopilot. Writing an
entry is therapy, so that's easily done - and somehow
the pieces always fall together for the
pics/videos/songs. It's kind of like what I was meant
to do. 500 videos? 50 songs a year? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit
that's nothing. That's just what I do. The rest? The
career? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck me. I don't want to do a
DAMN thing. I can't find a good reason to pursue
- ...but I know
I need to stay. God if this isn't the biggest
kick-in-the-cock ever. WHY AM I HERE?
WHAT DID I DO? It's the same question a
year later. I mean no disrespect to Cassi, but she's
well aware that she's come into the most surreal
moments of my life. Thankfully, we just dig hangin'
out together and really don't stress too much on the
rest. We leave that stress to my entire other life
that is both here AND there at the same
- Which is probably
why...Jess and I will struggle with the
friendship for years but eventually we'll be what
Burgundie and I are... a few words, a few times a
year. So you have to be asking:
- "Did something
happen!??!!? Where's this coming from?"
- No. It doesn't
happen like that. It's just your body's reaction. I
mean, this year is unfucking believeable. I love that
I just made unfucking one word, and believeable the
second. That's only funny on paper....errr monitor.
Anyway - 2005 has been the biggest clusterfuck of
emotions EVER. It is heart wrechning pain that as I
put together the yearend DVD...I have to physically
get up and go kill some Germans to cope (videogame).
It is sooooooo painful. I have SO much regret, SO
much doubt, SO much ANGER. I am bitter. I am
sad. I feel abandoned. I am literally scared of my
annual drunken video (6th straight year, whew) because
I've been holding so much in the past several months
I'm liabel to wake up the next morning, watch the tape
and find.... I don't know - Spencer or something.
LMAO. Wouldn't THAT be a good entry. I'm SOOOOOOOOPER,
thanks for asking!! LOL. Unfortunately, no matter how
bitter, hurt, and angry I may be at women... I luvem
- But yeah, so that
Siskel & Ebert video really opened my eyes to
"being friends" and just how little we really know
about what we think. "Oh they have a happy marriage,
oh THEY have the perfect..." No they don't. No,
they, don't. Everyone's miserable. LOL....
- Oh yeah - you know
the saying, "Misery loves company"? Yeah, well that's
bullshit and whoever said it has never truly been
miserable. Melodrama loves company.
Misery loves you to stay the fuck out of his
face. GRRR. Just thought I'd throw that in
- Strangest Entry of
the Year Award: #481.