10:41 PM, Saturday, July 30th, 2005:
I can't believe this is yet another month that I am dying to get out of. When the hell will that streak end? This will be a three part entry: Pathetic, Prophetic and Poignant. Guess what's up first:
1:15 PM, Friday, July 30th, 2004:
"That is the sentence I have to be able to type in order for this to happen: If I only had one love, this fuckin' city would be the one I would choose because I can't have both. For a romantic like me that is hard to swallow...but I'm afraid it has been digested and is the absolute truth. Yes, I may kick myself in a year when I'm alone, going nowhere, and hating the single life in LA...but in my heart of hearts - there is no compromise. "
Exactly one year ago today...ouch. (the following is yelled incredibly loud so I can hear it a year ago) "Hey Adam! Don't DO IT!! WORK IT OUT MAN!!! You're gonna be a fucking BASKET case in a year because you gave up." (sigh). No need to pontificate on the incredible irony of writing that exactly one year ago. Just bow your heads for me. Fuckin' incredible. I wish she understood the breadth of my feelings right now. She just thinks I need "anyone" not her. And how can you possibly prove that to someone? The truth is, she's going down the "cons" list now because she has someone else... whereas a month before it was the other side of the paper. That's the power of love Huey.
Now give me some props - I got past the rambling pathetic section of this entry very quickly. I'm thinkin' of you dear reader. I could literally write for DAYS on this as it's in my mind every second. I'll skip prophetic and jump to poignant now...
So Cheryl was meeting a couple friends who were starting a new clothing line and she had me come along just to allow me to meet a few more people in the industry. Am I going into fashion now? Heh, no - if anyone needs to rely on someone else's sense of fashion, that would be me. The designer however was working with an artist that may ring a bell: Fabrice Morvan. Unfortunately it's impossible to hear the name without being reminded of Milli Vanilli. However, I'm not as jaded as most after watching Behind The Music on Rob & Fab and finding out just how screwed they got. It's one of the saddest stories to get embedded into pop culture. Even sadder? Fabrice is a true artist. Went to his site and he can absolutely sing, play guitar, write music - and of course today we were going over his paintings and looking at how the designer was incorporating his paintings into a clothing line.
I sat and listened to Fabrice talk about his paintings and what he's doing now and I was really just in awe. He's very peaceful, kind, poignant - considering what this cat went through... It's just inspiring. I simply can't FATHOM being where I am right now, but having to fight what is easily the biggest undeserved public humiliation any artist has ever gone through in the music industry. To be as strong and peaceful as he is, is extraordinary...especially considering it was all too much for his bandmate who took his own life. I shudder to think which path I would've gone down had I been in the same situation. We'll be meeting up with them again to shoot some footage for Cheryl's product. My PSP will be on hand ;-)
And finally, prophetic. I got this email from a girl who works at Pet Orphan's Fund where we got Roxy.
...a great venue for you to check out if you don't already know about it is Kulak's Woodshed
I see you there, sitting at the piano doing one (or more) of your songs and being around other creative artists.
I click the link and come to find this intimate little setting for acoustic artists. They even have a baby grand. But this isn't the amazing part. They record it as professionally as I've ever seen done outside of a gigantic television show. Easily 6 different camera angles with Jib-arms, dollys in the sky.... It's incredible. And how do I know this? Because there's a LIVE WEBCAST OF EVERY SHOW. And I don't mean some shitty grainy footage, it's the best webcast I have ever seen in my life. LOL. I had Marty MOOSE on the phone watching it with me freakin' the hell OUT. It's such incredibly high quality that it has to be seen to be believed. What's more they read email feedback live so of course Marty had to jump on that. LOL. It's unreal. There's an open-mic Monday night, and you'd better believe that's how I'm starting my August. You get one song (and we all know what that will be), and it will be webcast around the world from 8-10 PM PST. I realize that's late for many of you back east, but I hope you can check it out. Thank you a million times over Sara, this is the definition of perfect for me right now.
(sigh) I just reread this entry and I have to say it is NOT a true representation of how things are going for me right now. I'm doing a good job filling an entry with positive shit when in all honesty I want to give it all up tomorrow. I'm literally going through the "career" motions only for this journal because my heart is so broken right now I can't even express it. Of course that's what you do at times like this: keep moving. But I have to be honest to myself in these entries and let you all know:  I'm not doin' good in the least. I really feel like I've made my choice: "Her love is more important than my career", and I don't know what is going to change that. I can't tell you how fortunate I feel to have kept this journal going, because I actually feel responsible to it. I can't let you guys down who have followed 445 entries for nearly 6 years. In the most sincere way I've ever written it: thank you for reading this.
PS - You're my health... Never heard that before... good line.
When you throw a rock, I splinter like glass,
And every angle spiders out so damn fast,
Then I say too much, and I can't take it back,
And every emotion I can feel takes a crack...
But just when I figured out what you meant to me,
Now you have him, and you just don't need me...
Yeah that's how it goes, I did this to myself,
I took too damn long to figure out you're my health
And now that I know, just what am I to do?
When every answer leads me right back to you,
They say to hang on, you'll come around in the end,
But you don't need me, 'cause now you have him...