- 9:13 PM, Tuesday,
July 26th, 2005:
- I should be used
to these ironies. They have littered the journey.
What Im not used to is having one entry with
such a devastating low and immediate high back to
back. Hang on for this one.
- As you guys have
already read in the recently unlocked this will
be the end entry Im in a pretty
strange place. Then of course you get the
Im broken locked entry and
something is up. Theres obviously
more than I can divulge right now, but I might as well
let you all understand the gist of it.
- I have said
consistently since Japan that I didnt want to
make decisions about Jess and I when I was in this
lonely state, because your head just isnt clear.
It seemed irresponsible to both of us. What Im
realizing however is
I dont function
correctly without support of those who love me around.
I rely so heavily on talking to Jessica multiple
times a day, and whenever I have a problem. That
intimate relationship we still have is a relationship
with my wife. I have no other family anywhere close
to me out here and Im really seeing how much her
support on a day-to-day level is the only thing that
gets me through. You can tell me until youre
blue in the face how I need to be able to be
independent and not have to rely on someone for my
strength but the truth of the matter is, I need her.
I miss her. And I will not make it out here much
longer without her. I cant function normally by
myself. It is a lost I have never known.
Its what I touched upon in the this will
be the end entry. Its ironic that my fear
of Jess taking me away from LA pushed us apart, and
now all I want is to be back with her no matter
WHERE the fuck she is.
- I have held this
in though, I locked the entry that touched on this and
just tried to support Jess. The last thing she needed
to hear was this. She had finally gotten the
apartment, good job, going to nursing school. She is
JUST now getting into a routine that she can grow
from. My needs had to come second for awhile. The
days after I locked the entry though
I just felt
more and more sure. I just want to be with her again.
If Cheryl turns out to be a complete fabrication
Im coming home. Even if things work out
career-wise, I want Jess to come back and give this a
legitimate try. She can go to school full-time here
with the money Im making and we can reconnect
for more than just one beautiful weekend. It took me
losing my ever-lovin mind, but the bottom line
is I need her more than I need my career. I was
coming back the first week of August for the family
reunion and I was getting more and more excited. I
wanted to sit-down face to face and really explain
everything. Then last Friday happened.
- She went out with
someone and really hit it off. By Saturday when I
felt the need to tell her all of this IMMEDIATELY, it
was already too late. She connected quickly and
really likes him. I lost my mind. I know what she
means by really likes. Shes
comparing it to how quickly we knew. We knew within a
day or two about each other and literally spent
everyday after with each other. She was in that mode,
and as the days past no matter what I said, she was
completely in love with someone else.
- I started to
realize that I was about to lose my only support on an
intimate level and it was the trigger. Sure wed
still talk but she is now in a different mode.
Sharing all of her time and feelings and dreams with
him. Which is the great thing about love! The last
thing Id want to do is keep her from that. But
good fuck the timing couldnt have been worse.
The potential of new will always beat the
- The problem of
course is its at a time when Im literally,
literally at the end of my rope. Im fighting
tears throughout the day for literally no reason. It
comes at a time when Im realizing just how much
her support has helped me because for the first time,
its going to go to someone else
Christ do you always realize too late? I planned on
sitting her down in Columbus and telling her all of
this. Deal with everything back in LA without the
ticking clock weve always had. In
the end if everything fell through with Cheryl helping
me, I would have no problem going back to Columbus.
And that really still stands either way. I will go on
the adventure with Cheryl as long as humanly possible,
but if it breaks down I really am
- Of course all of
this is literally hours too late. Had I just unlocked
that friggin entry on the Wednesday
whew. If it wasnt for what lies
within the Im broken entry
this would almost be comical. Its just another
comedy of errors with us that will eventually work
itself out one way or another. Unfortunately, my
needs level has absolutely skyrocketed.
Im now coming to terms with just how much her
support and love kept me going. Now the trip back to
Columbus makes me sick to my stomach. Literally sick
to my stomach. I dont want to go back at all.
Since that Friday night, its gotten even
stronger and closer between them, and its very
easy to see the road for the next several months. I
dont want to interfere the way I felt I did with
Vegas Guy. I want her to have every opportunity to
have a fresh start with someone. And just from
speaking to her it is more than obvious how she feels.
Man we have put each other through more pain in one
year than I could have possibly imagined
its nowhere close to ending.
- Now, you ready for
- Tomorrow Im
going to be backstage at the G4 Video Game Awards
G-Phoria getting the members of the Black
Eyed Peas to watch my Confusing Love and
Saying When videos that are pre-loaded on
my PSP. Cheryl has known them for awhile and after
seeing Saying When she thought it was time
for me to just get in touch with some of the people
she knows and just let them see/hear it.
Thanks to my
is now a business expense thank-you-very-much) I can
instantly load it for them off of a memory stick.
Its gonna be a guerilla style type thing, but
with Cheryl there I think our chances will be good and
it will definitely be pretty exciting. Because of the
other events in my life right now, I am not losing my
fucking mind over this just yet. LOL. Thats a
good thing I guess. Really, its nothing to lose
your mind over anyway but you all know what I
know: There is some incredible shit tucked away on
this site, and it really comes down to someone helping
you contact the right people.
- I mean,
come on how cool is
- Oh and thats
also why there isnt going to be one big ass 3
minute-cover-every-talent video I talked about a few
entries back. Its just the wrong route. Each
person I will be meeting will be a different area, and
therefore would require seeing different stuff. The
last thing you want to do is give someone a reason NOT
to want to help you/represent you. So Im going
to have several very directed type videos for each
occasion. Tomorrow with the Black Eyed Peas I
am music and music only. And that sort of focus makes
it so easy to be HELPED. Its not 4tvs which
albeit fucking impressive, leaves the
well helpless. If someone
wants to see if I can do characters? I show them the
Trinitrons. Until that time I have a video for
every goddamn situation imaginable. Hell just the
range from HERE
is impressive and thats at least in the same
GENRE of entertainment. So this is certainly
- Its funny,
Cheryl wrote me today saying she felt pressure now
that I unlocked that entry LOL Cheryl,
dont. Youve never promised me anything
other than helping me meet some people. I have all
the pressure on me to perform and impress those
people. Whats great however is both of those
scenarios arent really that pressure-filled. I
love performing, and I believe in everything Im
showing. And you know you have the
contacts. This is a pretty perfect scenario and
nothing like what happened to me with Charlotte. YOU
wont send me packin 6 years has
already done that
youre just comin in
at the tail end and maybe reversing my fortune. And
for that, thank you. This is going to be a fun
adventure for hopefully a very long time.
- Expect an update
tomorrow with a pretty cool video. For once the
readers actually have a positive reason to wonder what
happens next. Ha.