9:13 PM, Tuesday, July 26th, 2005:
I should be used to these ironies. They have littered the journey. What I’m not used to is having one entry with such a devastating low and immediate high back to back. Hang on for this one.
As you guys have already read in the recently unlocked “this will be the end” entry – I’m in a pretty strange place. Then of course you get the “I’m broken” locked entry and well…something is up. There’s obviously more than I can divulge right now, but I might as well let you all understand the gist of it.
I have said consistently since Japan that I didn’t want to make decisions about Jess and I when I was in this lonely state, because your head just isn’t clear. It seemed irresponsible to both of us. What I’m realizing however is…I don’t function correctly without support of those who love me around. I rely so heavily on talking to Jessica multiple times a day, and whenever I have a problem. That intimate relationship we still have is a relationship with my wife. I have no other family anywhere close to me out here and I’m really seeing how much her support on a day-to-day level is the only thing that gets me through. You can tell me until you’re blue in the face how I need to be able to be independent and not have to rely on someone for my strength but the truth of the matter is, I need her. I miss her. And I will not make it out here much longer without her. I can’t function normally by myself. It is a “lost” I have never known. It’s what I touched upon in the “this will be the end” entry. It’s ironic that my fear of Jess taking me away from LA pushed us apart, and now all I want is to be back with her – no matter WHERE the fuck she is.
I have held this in though, I locked the entry that touched on this and just tried to support Jess. The last thing she needed to hear was this. She had finally gotten the apartment, good job, going to nursing school. She is JUST now getting into a routine that she can grow from. My needs had to come second for awhile. The days after I locked the entry though…I just felt more and more sure. I just want to be with her again. If Cheryl turns out to be a complete fabrication – I’m coming home. Even if things work out career-wise, I want Jess to come back and give this a legitimate try. She can go to school full-time here with the money I’m making and we can reconnect for more than just one beautiful weekend. It took me losing my ever-lovin’ mind, but the bottom line is I need her more than I need my career. I was coming back the first week of August for the family reunion and I was getting more and more excited. I wanted to sit-down face to face and really explain everything. Then last Friday happened.
She went out with someone and really hit it off. By Saturday when I felt the need to tell her all of this IMMEDIATELY, it was already too late. She connected quickly and really likes him. I lost my mind. I know what she means by “really likes”. She’s comparing it to how quickly we knew. We knew within a day or two about each other and literally spent everyday after with each other. She was in that mode, and as the days past no matter what I said, she was completely in love with someone else.
I started to realize that I was about to lose my only support on an intimate level and it was the trigger. Sure we’d still talk – but she is now in a different mode. Sharing all of her time and feelings and dreams with him. Which is the great thing about love! The last thing I’d want to do is keep her from that. But good fuck the timing couldn’t have been worse. The potential of new will always beat the past.
The problem of course is it’s at a time when I’m literally, literally at the end of my rope. I’m fighting tears throughout the day for literally no reason. It comes at a time when I’m realizing just how much her support has helped me because for the first time, it’s going to go to someone else… I mean Christ do you always realize too late? I planned on sitting her down in Columbus and telling her all of this. Deal with everything back in LA without the “ticking clock” we’ve always had. In the end if everything fell through with Cheryl helping me, I would have no problem going back to Columbus. And that really still stands either way. I will go on the adventure with Cheryl as long as humanly possible, but if it breaks down – I really am done.
Of course all of this is literally hours too late. Had I just unlocked that friggin’ entry on the Wednesday before…whew. If it wasn’t for what lies within the “I’m broken” entry – this would almost be comical. It’s just another comedy of errors with us that will eventually work itself out one way or another. Unfortunately, my “needs” level has absolutely skyrocketed. I’m now coming to terms with just how much her support and love kept me going. Now the trip back to Columbus makes me sick to my stomach. Literally sick to my stomach. I don’t want to go back at all. Since that Friday night, it’s gotten even stronger and closer between them, and it’s very easy to see the road for the next several months. I don’t want to interfere the way I felt I did with Vegas Guy. I want her to have every opportunity to have a fresh start with someone. And just from speaking to her it is more than obvious how she feels. Man we have put each other through more pain in one year than I could have possibly imagined… and it’s nowhere close to ending.
Now, you ready for this?
Tomorrow I’m going to be backstage at the G4 Video Game Awards “G-Phoria” getting the members of the Black Eyed Peas to watch my “Confusing Love” and “Saying When” videos that are pre-loaded on my PSP. Cheryl has known them for awhile and after seeing “Saying When” she thought it was time for me to just get in touch with some of the people she knows – and just let them see/hear it. Thanks to my PSP (which is now a business expense thank-you-very-much) I can instantly load it for them off of a memory stick. It’s gonna be a guerilla style type thing, but with Cheryl there I think our chances will be good and it will definitely be pretty exciting. Because of the other events in my life right now, I am not losing my fucking mind over this just yet. LOL. That’s a good thing I guess. Really, it’s nothing to lose your mind over anyway – but you all know what I know: There is some incredible shit tucked away on this site, and it really comes down to someone helping you contact the right people.
I mean, come on – how cool is that.
Oh and that’s also why there isn’t going to be one big ass 3 minute-cover-every-talent video I talked about a few entries back. It’s just the wrong route. Each person I will be meeting will be a different area, and therefore would require seeing different stuff. The last thing you want to do is give someone a reason NOT to want to help you/represent you. So I’m going to have several very directed type videos for each occasion. Tomorrow with the Black Eyed Peas – I am music and music only. And that sort of focus makes it so easy to be HELPED. It’s not 4tvs which albeit fucking impressive, leaves the “helper”…well helpless. If someone wants to see if I can do characters? I show them the Trinitrons. Until that time – I have a video for every goddamn situation imaginable. Hell just the range from HERE to HERE is impressive and that’s at least in the same GENRE of entertainment. So this is certainly good.
It’s funny, Cheryl wrote me today saying she felt pressure now that I unlocked that entry – LOL – Cheryl, don’t. You’ve never promised me anything other than helping me meet some people. I have all the pressure on me to perform and impress those people. What’s great however is both of those scenarios aren’t really that pressure-filled. I love performing, and I believe in everything I’m “showing”. And you know you have the contacts. This is a pretty perfect scenario and nothing like what happened to me with Charlotte. YOU won’t send me packin’ – 6 years has already done that…you’re just comin’ in at the tail end and maybe reversing my fortune. And for that, thank you. This is going to be a fun adventure for hopefully a very long time.
Expect an update tomorrow with a pretty cool video. For once the readers actually have a positive reason to wonder what happens next. Ha.