Adam Kontras.com - I'm so fuggin' stupid...





al 8:37 PM, Sunday, July 17th, 2005: No, the minialaur incident from April was not with a 17 year old - I promise. LOL. She just acts like one... "To All the Losers who THINK they have the talent... So it was *very* amusing to me...I visited the website (more of an online- journal) of someone I used to know but haven't spoken with in awhile. They moved from Smalltown U.S.A. to LA 6 years ago in order to pursue a career as a comedian/singer. Now, to read this person's journal entires from day one in LA up until this point...is almost the saddest thing I have ever seen. Everyday they write blogs about their talent and how much potential they have and how one day, somebody will discover it.... Now, maybe I am too much of a realist, but JESUS CHRIST - YOU ARE ALMOST 30 YEARS OLD -YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DISCOVERED IN THE LAST 6 YEARS - WHAT WILL MAKE THE NEXT 6 YEARS ANY DIFFERENT - YOU ARE NO JERRY SEINFELD, RODNEY DANGERFIELD, NOR ONE OF THE WAYAN'S BROTHERS -MAYBE YOU NEED THE REALITY CHECK - YOU ARE NOT AS TALENTED AS YOU MAY THINK! Again, it saddens me to be brutally honest, but I hate seeing people at a certain age continue to live in a dream world. C'mon, let's be self-honest for a minute here. Actually, it is quite amusing..." BLOG WARS 2005! Heh. It's funny, Jess actually saw it and called me before I read it - and from her description I was pretty hurt. Strangely though, also kind of rooting for her a bit because that last entry about her wasn't nice at all. Granted all I really showed were her words, but it was not a very nice tone - so I thought "Good for her, she has some fight in her!" She has every right to throw a little my way. Now that I've read it? LOL. I mean, how could she POSSIBLY have written: "I hate seeing people at a certain age continue to live in a dream world. C'mon, let's be self-honest for a minute here." LOL. And wait this is good: "Maybe I am too much of a realist..." ROFL. To anyone who has read April's "Minialaur" story you literally have to be crying right now. I mean if all you can come up with is I'm not talented or self-honest?!?! Did you mix-up my strength and weakness books? LOL. I mean as an ex talk show host I looooooove a good war of words but dear jesus girl that is a stretch. I came very very close to adding a comment to the myspace blog which would then reveal my name and website so her boyfriend and husband could actually put 2 and 2 together... but I didn't have the heart to do it. It would force all of her issues to a head immediately and then she'd never grow from it. Why I care about that is beyond me... ...and obviously - I do care. There's a whole goddamn entry about it. I don't hide from that fact in the least. This isn't a "haha I don't care what you think anymore". It hurts like hell. But it doesn't hurt because of what she wrote (that legitimately is funny - lol) it hurts because someone I really care about is just hiding from so much. There were moments when we were together that she did get it. The fact that she's reverting back to the vapid little LA girl is just out of comfort. The truth is just way too scary. However the reason for the entry is because unless you've followed the whole journey - some of what she says makes sense and I just have to clarify it a bit. The Journey has been more about trying to figure out which way to go, finding out what I'm supposed to be, following that path - more than actually having a path (i want to be a singer) and following it. That's why 5 1/2 years doesn't really lead me to any big re-evaluations. In fact what I've produced has made me even MORE excited. If I were an aspiring actor however, and I had been on auditions for 6 years without anything - yeah, that's a sign. Or if I were trying to make it as a songwriter and I had been doing demo after demo and sending them out without any positives...I got it. Other than a brief 10 month period in 2001, I have not been "out there" at all because life simply took over. It happens of course. But what's amazing is what I produced during that time ends up being almost more entertaining and incredible than The Trinitrons itself. Of course all of this takes actual, reading, to understand. I talk about this throughout the whole thing and you can see the transformation. It's what makes this an interesting follow to tell you the truth. If it was all "I went to an audition today"... that would really fuckin' get old. But these past 440 little stories delve into everything it takes to endure life out here - and truly find yourself. And of course right now, with meeting Cheryl, I'm now getting re-introduced to that 2001 mentality of getting out there and pushing a product. It will still take brainstorming with better connected people than me to figure out which direction that takes me, but it's certainly a different type of journey. So I just had to add all that because as you may be able to gather - I'm a honest to a fault about shit. Always have been. If I had been here for 6 years following any specific path with nothing to show - my ass would be jumping back into radio in a heartbeat. The truth is, I just don't know which way to go. In the meantime - I'm creating like a madman and you all get to see it. Whoopee-fuckin-dee huh? And finally, Alaur you aren't the person I thought you were - but I know there's a "truth" inside you that you just can't bare to look at because it would mean you'd have to admit you're "lost" at 27. Trust me honey, it's the most liberating thing you can feel when you finally admit it. Because until you do - you'll never find yourself. Let go of the comforts long enough to see that before 27 is literally 5 years ago. Adam PS - This song is a good example of my brain btw. When a rock is thrown at me I splinter like a pane of glass and the ends never meet. This written entry is one part, this song is a different take and a completely different part. Are there more sides? Of course. But believe it or not, sometimes I keep some things for myself. ;-) You said "I love you" but you lied, You'd say anything when I'm inside... You thought if you said it long enough, that maybe you'd be strong enough, Babe you're only strong enough to hide... How do you look deep inside his eyes? Do you think that he can see all of those lies? Do you try to make him look away, or pray that he's just gone that day? Will you look at him when he finds out and dies... But there you go - tellin' all the world, And you know - you're one lucky girl, that I care... Not to reply - 'cause baby I could, And you know - it'd feel so good, to make Jesse cry (oh and your husband too) I said "I love you" and I tried, But I'll say anything when I'm inside... I thought if I said it long enough, that maybe you'd be strong enough, But babe you're only strong enough to hide, Yes babe you're only strong enough to hide, Babe you're only strong enough, maybe you're just wrong enough, Babe you're only strong enough to hide...

8:37 PM, Sunday, July 17th, 2005: No, the minialaur incident from April was not with a 17 year old - I promise. LOL. She just acts like one... "To All the Losers who THINK they have the talent... So it was very amusing to me...I visited the website (more of an online- journal) of someone I used to know but haven't spoken with in awhile. They moved from Smalltown U.S.A. to LA 6 years ago in order to pursue a career as a comedian/singer. Now, to read this person's journal entires from day one in LA up until this point...is almost the saddest thing I have ever seen. Everyday they write blogs about their talent and how much potential they have and how one day, somebody will discover it.... Now, maybe I am too much of a realist, but JESUS CHRIST - YOU ARE ALMOST 30 YEARS OLD -YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DISCOVERED IN THE LAST 6 YEARS - WHAT WILL MAKE THE NEXT 6 YEARS ANY DIFFERENT - YOU ARE NO JERRY SEINFELD, RODNEY DANGERFIELD, NOR ONE OF THE WAYAN'S BROTHERS -MAYBE YOU NEED THE REALITY CHECK - YOU ARE NOT AS TALENTED AS YOU MAY THINK! Again, it saddens me to be brutally honest, but I hate seeing people at a certain age continue to live in a dream world. C'mon, let's be self-honest for a minute here. Actually, it is quite amusing..." BLOG WARS 2005! Heh. It's funny, Jess actually saw it and called me before I read it - and from her description I was pretty hurt. Strangely though, also kind of rooting for her a bit because that last entry about her wasn't nice at all. Granted all I really showed were her words, but it was not a very nice tone - so I thought "Good for her, she has some fight in her!" She has every right to throw a little my way. Now that I've read it? LOL. I mean, how could she POSSIBLY have written: "I hate seeing people at a certain age continue to live in a dream world. C'mon, let's be self-honest for a minute here." LOL. And wait this is good: "Maybe I am too much of a realist..." ROFL. To anyone who has read April's "Minialaur" story you literally have to be crying right now. I mean if all you can come up with is I'm not talented or self-honest?!?! Did you mix-up my strength and weakness books? LOL. I mean as an ex talk show host I looooooove a good war of words but dear jesus girl that is a stretch. I came very very close to adding a comment to the myspace blog which would then reveal my name and website so her boyfriend and husband could actually put 2 and 2 together... but I didn't have the heart to do it. It would force all of her issues to a head immediately and then she'd never grow from it. Why I care about that is beyond me... ...and obviously - I do care. There's a whole goddamn entry about it. I don't hide from that fact in the least. This isn't a "haha I don't care what you think anymore". It hurts like hell. But it doesn't hurt because of what she wrote (that legitimately is funny - lol) it hurts because someone I really care about is just hiding from so much. There were moments when we were together that she did get it. The fact that she's reverting back to the vapid little LA girl is just out of comfort. The truth is just way too scary. However the reason for the entry is because unless you've followed the whole journey - some of what she says makes sense and I just have to clarify it a bit. The Journey has been more about trying to figure out which way to go, finding out what I'm supposed to be, following that path - more than actually having a path (i want to be a singer) and following it. That's why 5 1/2 years doesn't really lead me to any big re-evaluations. In fact what I've produced has made me even MORE excited. If I were an aspiring actor however, and I had been on auditions for 6 years without anything - yeah, that's a sign. Or if I were trying to make it as a songwriter and I had been doing demo after demo and sending them out without any positives...I got it. Other than a brief 10 month period in 2001, I have not been "out there" at all because life simply took over. It happens of course. But what's amazing is what I produced during that time ends up being almost more entertaining and incredible than The Trinitrons itself. Of course all of this takes actual, reading, to understand. I talk about this throughout the whole thing and you can see the transformation. It's what makes this an interesting follow to tell you the truth. If it was all "I went to an audition today"... that would really fuckin' get old. But these past 440 little stories delve into everything it takes to endure life out here - and truly find yourself. And of course right now, with meeting Cheryl, I'm now getting re-introduced to that 2001 mentality of getting out there and pushing a product. It will still take brainstorming with better connected people than me to figure out which direction that takes me, but it's certainly a different type of journey. So I just had to add all that because as you may be able to gather - I'm a honest to a fault about shit. Always have been. If I had been here for 6 years following any specific path with nothing to show - my ass would be jumping back into radio in a heartbeat. The truth is, I just don't know which way to go. In the meantime - I'm creating like a madman and you all get to see it. Whoopee-fuckin-dee huh? And finally, Alaur you aren't the person I thought you were - but I know there's a "truth" inside you that you just can't bare to look at because it would mean you'd have to admit you're "lost" at 27. Trust me honey, it's the most liberating thing you can feel when you finally admit it. Because until you do - you'll never find yourself. Let go of the comforts long enough to see that before 27 is literally 5 years ago. Adam PS - This song is a good example of my brain btw. When a rock is thrown at me I splinter like a pane of glass and the ends never meet. This written entry is one part, this song is a different take and a completely different part. Are there more sides? Of course. But believe it or not, sometimes I keep some things for myself. ;-) You said "I love you" but you lied, You'd say anything when I'm inside... You thought if you said it long enough, that maybe you'd be strong enough, Babe you're only strong enough to hide... How do you look deep inside his eyes? Do you think that he can see all of those lies? Do you try to make him look away, or pray that he's just gone that day? Will you look at him when he finds out and dies... But there you go - tellin' all the world, And you know - you're one lucky girl, that I care... Not to reply - 'cause baby I could, And you know - it'd feel so good, to make Jesse cry (oh and your husband too) I said "I love you" and I tried, But I'll say anything when I'm inside... I thought if I said it long enough, that maybe you'd be strong enough, But babe you're only strong enough to hide, Yes babe you're only strong enough to hide, Babe you're only strong enough, maybe you're just wrong enough, Babe you're only strong enough to hide...