locked until 07.26.05
10:03 AM, Tuesday, July 12th, 2005:
Oh…poor, poor readers. You were so close to being able to read yet another drunken classic by yours truly. Instead you just get to see and hear one.
So Monday night after writing the "Starry Eyed Adam" entry, I threw a splash of whiskey into a glass and sat at the piano. I had some free time and wanted to just take in all that was happening. Try to process it. My mind just races so fast about prospects like this that I end up hiding my true feelings. And as it stands, this entry will probably be locked for awhile because of that. So today's formula is: alcohol + piano = ABSOLUTE FEAR.
I am petrified. I cannot go through Charlotte again. Jess ain't around this time. If I spend a year of my life and end up like I did in 2002 - I'm done. I'm absolutely done. I will be back in Columbus with a family and a radio career. Do your "Journey" research and you'll see how bad it got before - and that was with legitimate support. I am alone now. For all intents and purposes (no offense to my roommate Cassi) I am alone. I know how I work. I will give in to Shades, believe in her - and go on an adventure. If she turns out to be as much of a wreck as Charlotte was…. Whew.
So that's what comes through in the song, and then of course I wrote a nice little drunken entry…and promptly erased it by accident. LOL. Alcohol really brings down my walls and the shell that is left is surreal. It's this crazy part of my psyche that is just hidden all day you know? It's this 5 year old boy - looking up for someone to hold him after just getting thrown to the ground and not trusting the next set of open-arms. It's a fear that gets even more amplified because of how bad I was in 2002. The overwhelming feeling is "PLEASE DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME". That's of course on the inside, and my outside is perfectly calm, cool and collected. Which is why this entry will remain locked for the time being.
The other reason is because of where I'm going with the whole "This will be the end" title. In nearly 6 years I have never said that. I simply don't have the support to pull it off and I simply know myself too well. I don't know if it means I'll sell it all and go around the world, or go back to Columbus or what…but I have to save myself at some point. I can spiral down so quickly, and without Jessica… whew. I'm just trying to be realistic. I am winding down. I want a family, I want a normal life - yes, I love Jessica to death and talk to her 3 times a day… Whew, can't believe what I'm saying. I have to keep this locked - this would fuck with Jess so bad. She's finally accepting it all and now this? But it really doesn't rely on us being together. I need to be close to those that love me - period. And that isn't in LA. I pray Shades is the person that can help me, but I'm at the end of my rope. If I even begin to believe in her she will absolutely own my soul. I will give it my all and without any other support… I will be in danger.
There is of course the other flip side to all of this, and maybe the reality: that I can never really get back to where I was in 2001. That sense of excitement and "oh my god I'm going to make it" feeling will never get back to the heights of the comedy store. My career may legitimately get past it and STILL never feel it. I think that "excited kid" is no more. The moments are now quick little fleeting spots in time surrounded by all the fear and overanalytical caution of someone who was buuuuuuuuuurned.
And I guess I've never really realized until now just how much fear is hidden inside me. I'm re-taking steps from over 4 years ago and the flashbacks are intense. My inner-child part of me is just freakin' out. DON'T GO THERE AGAIN. But I have to. That's why I'm here. I have to follow this to the end. But it's that "end" that concerns me. The more I invest in this, the more I believe… the more I will allow myself for what will literally shatter my well-being. I believe it could be the end of The Journey. It could be where I say - I've had enough, it's not worth it…I want a family - I didn't make it. This is very scary for me and we'll just have to see what happens…
…and of course write disturbing songs throughout the whole process. ;-)