locked until 07.10.05 
9:37 PM, Thursday, July 7th 2005:
I just am.
I am so utterly embarrassed by the following instant message I can't stop shaking my head. How could I have been so stupid. This is from today, I IM'd the infamous Alaur something along the lines of "Wow, Paris really WAS pissed about losing the Olympics…" and we got to talking about work. We've talked maybe 2-3 times in the past 3 months online for no more than a few seconds. Anyway, I was telling her that there's money to be made as a loan officer (she's already in the mortgage industry)...
Minialaur: no experience though
AdamBeWorkin: yeah
AdamBeWorkin: but you can parlay your experience
AdamBeWorkin: in what you're doing now
Minialaur: ya, that's true...
AdamBeWorkin: and bullshit your way into any situation
AdamBeWorkin: a reference and a pretty face will get you everywhere
AdamBeWorkin: it's so stupid
Minialaur: ya, I can be master bullshitter
Minialaur: lol
AdamBeWorkin: speaking of that...
Minialaur: it would still be a drive, though...
AdamBeWorkin: take no offense to this...
Minialaur: yes?
AdamBeWorkin: how's the relationship going?
Minialaur: oooh, that's going great...
Minialaur: we just remodeled the house
AdamBeWorkin: LOL
AdamBeWorkin: was that a joke?
Minialaur: work is my major downer
Minialaur: lol
Minialaur: no, serious!
Minialaur: we've been so consumed with the house
AdamBeWorkin: i ask how your marriage is and you say the house is remodeled?
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Minialaur: it hasn't given us time to get on each other's nerves or whatever! lol
AdamBeWorkin: that's the most unintentionally funny thing you've ever said
Minialaur: in all honesty, my marriage is going well..
Minialaur: we got through some rough patches..
Minialaur: those sort of things happen
Minialaur: sure it won't be the last time...
AdamBeWorkin: (sigh)
AdamBeWorkin: that's all i can do...
Minialaur: it just makes your relationship stronger...
Minialaur: once u go through things and at the end realize...
AdamBeWorkin: you really don't want to talk to me about this...
Minialaur: that you still love this person more than anyone/thing..
Minialaur: how's jessica?
AdamBeWorkin: pretty lonely
Minialaur: really?
AdamBeWorkin: yeah
Minialaur: whens the last time u spoke?
AdamBeWorkin: we speak pretty much everyday
Minialaur: ehhh...
Minialaur: how are you about things w/ her?
AdamBeWorkin: i feel for her
AdamBeWorkin: but...
AdamBeWorkin: i can't solve the problem
Minialaur: you live and learn thru experiences...
Minialaur: maybe in time she will figure out what she truly wants
Minialaur: I dont think anyone ever truly knows...
Minialaur: but you have to make the best of each day and live your life...
AdamBeWorkin: i can't wait to talk to you a month before your 30th birthday
Minialaur: I'm sure I'll be even different then...
Minialaur: the 20's are a trying time
Minialaur: I'm not using age as an excuse, but...
Minialaur: every year I learn something new about myself!
Minialaur: hell, I'll be 28 in a few months!
AdamBeWorkin: ******, it's like you don't even remember who you're talking to...
Minialaur: I do, I do...we talked many, many times...
Minialaur: about these exact things..
AdamBeWorkin: avoidance is easy in your 20s
AdamBeWorkin: i hope it isn't easy in your 30s
AdamBeWorkin: for your sake...
Minialaur: avoidance of..?
AdamBeWorkin: ?
Minialaur: I'm just an indeciscive person...one day I want this, next month - that...
Minialaur: my dad is 54 and STILL doesn't know what he wants...
AdamBeWorkin: everyone's indecisive about that
Minialaur: damn those Dutch genes!
Minialaur: LOL
AdamBeWorkin: but there's some universal truths that you know now...
AdamBeWorkin: that are far easier to avoid
AdamBeWorkin: than to actually face
Minialaur: ain't that the truth!
AdamBeWorkin: (sigh)
AdamBeWorkin: your situation literally stresses me out beyond belief
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: like I'm completely tense right now and need to go walk to lunch
Minialaur: lol
Minialaur: you're so cute
Minialaur: I'm actually hungry too!
Minialaur: time for food!
So again, I reiterate. I'm the stupidest person alive. My lack of judgement with Minialaur is so incredible to me…I just wish I could ERASE it from the Journey. I mean Palaur at least had some intrigue - hell I was young enough to be fooled. But again? Pushing 30? I'm retarded. I'm literally retarded. How could I have ever fallen for that. The thought of her now literally turns my stomach. She's absolutely the girl I sang about in "Much Simpler Now".
Hell I can't be too hard on myself honestly as it was soooooooooo quick. I gave a small window of opportunity and shut it about as quickly as could be expected. Granted, I could've never opened it in the first place…but I'm a stupid romantic at heart who can never douse the flames of potential. Whatever Adam, you're just fuckin stupid sometimes. LOL.
And now that I've successfully bored most newcomers to this journal with a sideline to a story that you could only understand if you read 7 entries 3 months ago I can talk about the other reason I'm really stupid in realitve privateness…
…so I google video blogging last weekend and find all sorts of groups and sites for these vlogs just like mine! Well, not exactly - but moreso than I thought. I join a yahoo vlogging group and proceed to get schooled in why I must have a feed for my journal or no one will give me the time of day. A feed is basically a tool that allows people that follow multiple blogs to open one program and be shown immediately when and if the blogs have updated so they don't waste their time randomly checking sites. Pretty nifty actually. And for videoblogs - it will even download the video for them so it's ready right away. In today's world of streaming media - I don't really see why this is a big deal unless you're on dial-up…and of course then why the fuck are you trying to view video blogs?
Now, I've said it a few times (hell it's even on my opening journey page) - I hate damn near everything about blogs. First off, the lay-out is justso bad in every blog I've ever seen that you can barely get through an entry. The organization for their archived stuff is absolutely horrendous and you can't really skim through a period of time and get a feel for what it is you're taking in. Why is it like this? Because no one wants to take the time to learn how to make their own layouts - they just use a template that's easier for them and never really think of those actually reading. For example, you can look at any month on my site, let's take last month's, and there's nice big titles, pictures and it all pretty much fits on one page without a lot of scrolling. You can see the whole month (unless I went crazy like April and May) and click on what looks interesting. You can just watch the video on the right or you can skim the entry…there are 6 years that are organized so efficiently that you can easily click through the months and it's actually inviting to the reader. I mean seriously:
A complete stranger to the site can look at that and go… "Hmm - I wonder what's behind that picture" I'm at least trying to make a somewhat attractive site. There's pictures within that are designed around the reader's EASE of viewing them and of course a video. An actual edited video. Not always with effects or whatnot, but something that has been cut down to size and compressed for the ease of the viewer. Now, I'm not arrogant enough to say my content is so riveting that the world must pay attention - but by all means I give it every opportunity to be entertaining and I'm obviously very, very committed to what will keep a reader interested.
I just don't see that with other blogs/vlogs. I mean I literally watched a 3 minute long video of a guy going to a grocery store to get food for a 4th of July cookout. ?!?! And I don't fault the guy who did it - he's just following the lead of other blogs and he's right in line! He has the same cookie-cutter layout, the same frame capture of the video for his link to the .mov, and it looks and feels like every other "successful" vlog out there. So I'm sure he's satisfied, but if no one wants to read/view it - what's the point of it being online?
To the point Kontras…
Well I'm now part of this community. All the way to going to a "vloggercue" on Saturday up in Ojai, California with other vloggers on the west coast. I still haven't the slightest idea what this is, but I believe something is going to be broadcast on the net and basically the community gets together to talk about the whole growing phenomenon and what they can do to help it grow. And as you can see, I'm a bit torn here. It's much like the way I felt when I joined the improv group in '02. How do you participate in something you don't believe in? I mean I'm sure the get together will be fun, and we all have common interests obviously (video, web, computers) but in the end if I'm going to be part of something, a community, I have to believe in what we're doing. Whenever you join a group there has to be a mutual respect. And goddamn, I know it comes off as arrogant, but I'm just trying to be honest when I say I don't enjoy blogs or vlogs. In fact it's that actual DISLIKE that makes me so critical of mine, and determined to not fall into the same traps.
The positive spin in all of this is maybe I can help influence some people to change the way they do their blogs. To think more of the person reading. I mean they are obviously investing time into the project, I'm sure they want to make it as good as possible. But is that too assuming of me? Who am I to tell all these people what to do? Blogging has gotten worldwide media attention without the help of Mr. Adam Kontras, so they obviously don't need a thing.
I guess we'll see what happens on Saturday. Although, I fully expect the guy running the thing in Ojai to read this and UNinvite my ass and kick me out of the group - LOL. Please know that I just want to be part of something I sincerely believe in and I can't fake it. Everyone in the group seems so happy and they're all following 20 blogs in their "feed readers" and just love it. I just don't think I can be that guy, you know? And I find it arrogant to expect people to read mine if I won't read theirs, so I'm not sure how this will all work out.
Man, if I don't lock this, there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to go on Saturday. LOL. Hate to do this all covert and shit, but this puppy ain't gonna be public until Sunday…
PS - I guess I'm just subconsciously trying to alienate myself from this group, 'cause I got an idea for a vlog spoof and just couldn't resist. Enjoy what may be my first and last video as a member of a vlogging group. LOL.