Adam Kontras.com - 1 Year & 100 Entries ago...




al

12:33 AM, Monday, July 4th 2005:

How the hell does it happen? I mean do I just throw my hands up and accept that there actually are Journey Gods?

Today is just a hard day for me and Jess. Today was really the last day in 2004 we were "us". I wrote an entry, which was the last entry where things were "ok", and since then the world has been turned completely upside down...

...of course it was exactly 1 year ago, and 100 entries on the dot. I literally looked back and saw "335" and my jaw just dropped. The weight of an entire year, one HUNDRED entries...all that's happened. It's just exhausting. Of course the next entry in 2004 was the big "lie". I had to act like the song was just "art" and that everything was fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine yet on the 9th we made it official. Ugh.

But you know what the hardest part of everything is? It hasn't been a year. It's been a month. Jess and I simply couldn't let go. It has continued to drag on so long that there is no healing, there is no growing, there is no moving. It has been so hard and so confusing on both of us that we're emotionally wrecked muuuuuuuuch worse than we were a year ago. What I would give to go back to July and literally disconnect. Maybe not right then, but certainly before JANUARY. AS stupid as it seemed since we were still souch good friends, she should have moved out immediately so we could GRIEVE. 'Cause we're forced to grieve now a year later, although it feels soooooo new. 'Cause fuck a matter of weeks ago we were getting back together! AHHHH.

So immensely saddened by how the situation turned out. I mean in the end, I think we both know the separation was the right choice - but to have literally dragged it out for a year has completely floored us both. What a roller coaster.

While on the subject, check out this letter from an old WTVN Listener I haven't heard from in nearly ten years:

Dear Adam,

I don't know if you remember me, but I use to listen to you when you were at WTVN and talked to you a couple of times. I also wrote you a letter when you were having problems with Burgundie. About 4 or so yrs ago you sent me a letter to catch me up on what you were doing . You told me about your website, which I did check out at the time, but since then I have had some severe health problems and have not felt like being on the computor much. But I have thought about you often.

So a couple weeks ago I decided to get on your site and see what was going on with you. To say I was shocked, was a understatement. I had hoped you had found great success with your career, because I believe you are very, very talented, but I also wished personal happiness for you. To find neither of these things are working out too well at this time was very upsetting. And to read what you wrote in your diary and hear such pain and unhappiness and depression, just broke my heart.

I hope if there is anything I can do to help please contact me.

Always a friend,

****

Whew. So many things to say here. This is what makes this Journey so friggin' hard. This is not the best representation of who I am in my day to day life. It is my inner-most fears and feelings and yeah right now, there is a lot of upheaval. But from her perspective, looking at everything since WTVN, it's obvious that I'm distraught. God how do I make the separation in these entries that I'm still hopeful? (You could start by writing a hopeful friggin' entry Adam - lol). Man, it's like this:

Jess will be my friend for life, and I love her dearly. That's what I remember when I think of the divorce. I feel so grateful to have a friend who knows me so well and has been through so much with me - and honestly WHO KNOWS what the future brings. It is a sad story, but I am not mired in depression over it. So please don't get that impression.

Career-wise? Every single day I wake up and am as confident as ever of how talented I am. Take the last entry for example! I just go into situations and excel. To the point that the people around me literally think I am doing the one thing I was meant to do in life. Then I sit at the piano and sing a song and they can't stop asking me: "Why don't you have a deal! What are you doing here! Do you have an agent?!?!". Literally every thing I seem to try I excel at and I don't have a doubt in the world about that. IN fact, as an artist (I've said this a million times) I'm so happy I can barely contain myself. I think this site is the most creative and impressive thing ever put together. It shows so much, it allows me to be so much... WHAT A CANVAS!!!! It's so envigorating to me! Making it is literally putting the puzzle pieces together to from someone else's view of success. Two completely different pursuits. Something I'm DEFINITELY still pursuing, but it doesn't effect the artist side of me.

So please, when I rant about how much it sucks being a failure and being so lost - I'm lost on the puzzle side of things. Just slammin' the pieces together. As an artist, creator, inventor... I've literally never been happier. Like today's video. What a cool way of showing them taking my piano and going back to the old one. I mean...that's art. That was fun to create. It takes a LOT of time to put this shit together, and each entry, each video is a piece of me and a piece of art. It's literally the definition of art. Artists put a piece of themselves onto a medium for others to see. It's painful. It's oftentimes emotional - but it is a part of them. It is what makes artists vulnerable. It's also what makes us continue to sing, write, shoot and create.

Wow - I'm all pumped up now. LOL. Wasn't this supposed to be a sad entry? I'm not sad. I'm just reporting the story and there's an incredibly tough side to everything that is impossible to ignore. Stick with me folks...it's gonna get better.

Adam

PS - gotta include the lyrics as there's a funny joke that dats back to February that a few of you might find funny:

I can't drive this to work and back,

It's got no rims but it's nice and black,

This won't go to Vegas for days,

Leave me cold, leave me playin' with one hand,

No this 13 grand, better be all I need...**

**changed in the video to "This ain't no baby grand, but it's been good to me" since I changed to my old piano

12:33 AM, Monday, July 4th 2005: How the hell does it happen? I mean do I just throw my hands up and accept that there actually are Journey Gods? Today is just a hard day for me and Jess. Today was really the last day in 2004 we were "us". I wrote an entry, which was the last entry where things were "ok", and since then the world has been turned completely upside down... ...of course it was exactly 1 year ago, and 100 entries on the dot. I literally looked back and saw "335" and my jaw just dropped. The weight of an entire year, one HUNDRED entries...all that's happened. It's just exhausting. Of course the next entry in 2004 was the big "lie". I had to act like the song was just "art" and that everything was fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine yet on the 9th we made it official. Ugh. But you know what the hardest part of everything is? It hasn't been a year. It's been a month. Jess and I simply couldn't let go. It has continued to drag on so long that there is no healing, there is no growing, there is no moving. It has been so hard and so confusing on both of us that we're emotionally wrecked muuuuuuuuch worse than we were a year ago. What I would give to go back to July and literally disconnect. Maybe not right then, but certainly before JANUARY. AS stupid as it seemed since we were still souch good friends, she should have moved out immediately so we could GRIEVE. 'Cause we're forced to grieve now a year later, although it feels soooooo new. 'Cause fuck a matter of weeks ago we were getting back together! AHHHH. So immensely saddened by how the situation turned out. I mean in the end, I think we both know the separation was the right choice - but to have literally dragged it out for a year has completely floored us both. What a roller coaster. While on the subject, check out this letter from an old WTVN Listener I haven't heard from in nearly ten years: Dear Adam, I don't know if you remember me, but I use to listen to you when you were at WTVN and talked to you a couple of times. I also wrote you a letter when you were having problems with Burgundie. About 4 or so yrs ago you sent me a letter to catch me up on what you were doing . You told me about your website, which I did check out at the time, but since then I have had some severe health problems and have not felt like being on the computor much. But I have thought about you often. So a couple weeks ago I decided to get on your site and see what was going on with you. To say I was shocked, was a understatement. I had hoped you had found great success with your career, because I believe you are very, very talented, but I also wished personal happiness for you. To find neither of these things are working out too well at this time was very upsetting. And to read what you wrote in your diary and hear such pain and unhappiness and depression, just broke my heart. I hope if there is anything I can do to help please contact me. Always a friend, **** Whew. So many things to say here. This is what makes this Journey so friggin' hard. This is not the best representation of who I am in my day to day life. It is my inner-most fears and feelings and yeah right now, there is a lot of upheaval. But from her perspective, looking at everything since WTVN, it's obvious that I'm distraught. God how do I make the separation in these entries that I'm still hopeful? (You could start by writing a hopeful friggin' entry Adam - lol). Man, it's like this: Jess will be my friend for life, and I love her dearly. That's what I remember when I think of the divorce. I feel so grateful to have a friend who knows me so well and has been through so much with me - and honestly WHO KNOWS what the future brings. It is a sad story, but I am not mired in depression over it. So please don't get that impression. Career-wise? Every single day I wake up and am as confident as ever of how talented I am. Take the last entry for example! I just go into situations and excel. To the point that the people around me literally think I am doing the one thing I was meant to do in life. Then I sit at the piano and sing a song and they can't stop asking me: "Why don't you have a deal! What are you doing here! Do you have an agent?!?!". Literally every thing I seem to try I excel at and I don't have a doubt in the world about that. IN fact, as an artist (I've said this a million times) I'm so happy I can barely contain myself. I think this site is the most creative and impressive thing ever put together. It shows so much, it allows me to be so much... WHAT A CANVAS!!!! It's so envigorating to me! Making it is literally putting the puzzle pieces together to from someone else's view of success. Two completely different pursuits. Something I'm DEFINITELY still pursuing, but it doesn't effect the artist side of me. So please, when I rant about how much it sucks being a failure and being so lost - I'm lost on the puzzle side of things. Just slammin' the pieces together. As an artist, creator, inventor... I've literally never been happier. Like today's video. What a cool way of showing them taking my piano and going back to the old one. I mean...that's art. That was fun to create. It takes a LOT of time to put this shit together, and each entry, each video is a piece of me and a piece of art. It's literally the definition of art. Artists put a piece of themselves onto a medium for others to see. It's painful. It's oftentimes emotional - but it is a part of them. It is what makes artists vulnerable. It's also what makes us continue to sing, write, shoot and create. Wow - I'm all pumped up now. LOL. Wasn't this supposed to be a sad entry? I'm not sad. I'm just reporting the story and there's an incredibly tough side to everything that is impossible to ignore. Stick with me folks...it's gonna get better. Adam PS - gotta include the lyrics as there's a funny joke that dats back to February that a few of you might find funny: I can't drive this to work and back, It's got no rims but it's nice and black, This won't go to Vegas for days, Leave me cold, leave me playin' with one hand, No this 13 grand, better be all I need... changed in the video to "This ain't no baby grand, but it's been good to me" since I changed to my old piano