10:05 AM, Sunday, June 19th 2005:
This has to be the strangest period of my life. I mean when I look back on everything as a whole, I can't imagine a more lost and surreal time than the year I turned 30. True for so many I'm sure, but as usual I tend to do things a bit more extreme than most. Take for example this:
click the pics to enlarge
There's only one reason this was extreme: because I was videotaping it. People jump out of trees 50 feet off the ground all the time on zip lines (yeah, they're called the green berets Adam), but when you videotape it - you're automatically entered in the internet idiot sweepstakes. You can win notoriety worldwide for busting your ASS and being stupid. I guess if this was how I was remembered, so be it. Unfortunately, as I have become accustomed, LOL, I will not be famous whatsoever as it was rather uneventful (and fun as hell). The good news is I can still walk. The audio in the video is quite interesting. First, take note of the "whooka-chee" sound effect I decided to add as I dove off. I neither remember doing this nor why I would choose that sound for myself, but there it is. Then of course there's Marty's "Good damn..." because I was the only one stupid enough to dive off like that, as opposed to stepping off and praying. Also notice his insistence on me doing it one handed. ?!!? Are you fucking mad? You might as well just fall the fuck off the tree at the beginning rather than even attempt to do that one-handed. The downforce of that jump alone made me nearly lose my grip two-handed - Moose wants me to let go of one hand? Needless to say his feet were firmly planted on the ground the entire day so he can't say SHIT. ;-)
Such a side-note to this entry but a much-needed one in this boring drivel I call soul searching. The problem comes rather simply: I like it here. I like Columbus. I like the space, I like the lay-out, I like what they consider traffic, I love the weather changes, I like the english, I like my friends and family, I like what $200,000 can buy you out here. Literally the profit made on our home in LA could buy you a mansion and more land than you could ever need. There is something almost oppressive about LA, and that weight is gone in Ohio...
...and there is the shift. Goddamn, I can't believe I even wrote that sentence without stopping myself. It is the exact opposite of what I'm sure I wrote 5 years ago. Lemme find it...
Entry #47 - Thursday, May 25th, 2000:
Let me start off by saying...I am home. Los Angeles, California is my home and will be for some time. Never was that clearer than this past weekend I spent in Columbus. I have never felt more uneasy in my life. Completely claustrophobic. Jess and I came back for our wedding shower and to make a few more arrangements for the wedding in August. What really got me was driving on the freeways. Not because of the outrageous construction (which truly is incredible right now), but seeing the road signs was a constant reminder of where I was, and it just freaked me out. You must remember that Jess and I were already resigned to the fact that we were coming back at the end of July. As I stated previously the decision was simply aritmetic and out of our control. So many times this past weekend I felt like an immense failure. As if I was back and nothing had changed. Or many times like LA had never happened, like it was all a dream. Never was that more apparent than when I went back to CD101 to see everyone again, and felt the stress of commercial deadlines. So completely surreal, and incredibly anxiety-filled. An almost constant feeling of "MUST-GET-OUT".


...and even more ironic, I had a dream last night of going to CD101 and Joe telling me he was resigning as production director tomorrow and I was about to go talk to Andyman. Literally the opposite of my feelings 5 years ago. How does LA feel like the trap now and Columbus the opposite? I guess it's because the age old question of "what would you do?" if I were back in Ohio just doesn't hold the same weight because...what the hell am I doing now in LA?
Hell it's really no wonder. I mean these are the times when the tough guys keep toughing it out (and the smart ones go back home before they lose everything LOL). Of course 5 years later I am a bit more cynical, a bit more surly about the city. But what's worse is the struggle is in my head! I'm beating my head against the wall, but it's the wall in my HOUSE, not the walls at the studios or manager's offices.
Man the 101 dream was perfect though. I remember being in the big room looking at the signatures from the artists that came in since I was gone and there was a big one of Tom Waits and I was sooooooooooo bummed I didn't have my piano there for him to sign. LOL. (Quick aside for new readers, I have a spinnett that I learned how to play on that I kept at the station while I was working there that now has hundreds of bands autographs all over it. It's the shit.) But I know all that is just the fantasy world because the LAST thing I want to do is be a production director. Jesus that job sucked. It was just a section of my head that longs for a time when I was happy and hopeful. It is very, very hard to be hopeful anymore and as we all know, when you lose that - you lose everything. What's happening now is, my conjured up dreams of hope are getting dashed by my logic left and right. I simply can't fool myself anymore. I used to be able to have an idea and a pretty uneducated goal and follow it like a race horse for months. Now any idea has a lifespan of literally 24 hours before I've put more holes in it than it could have possibly withstood. Which brings me back to needing someone "in the know" to simply point me. I'll believe that person for at least a week. LOL.
When I get back to LA I think I'm gonna work on a 3-4 minute demo reel that just shows how fuckin' whacked out I am, but shows where I excel. Put it together with a headshot, a screenshot of and a letter and just send that puppy to every management company I can find. To get represented? NO. TO GET A GODDAMN MEETING for more than 5 seconds to just pick someone's brain. Again, at least that's falling up the stairs not down the stairs.
All this falling damnit. I wanna fly again. I guess I'll have to settle for falling with style.