- 11:31 AM,
Wednesday, June 8th 2005:
- This will need a
bit of insight before I delve into this.
- There was a period
of my life, where I believed so solely in
following your heart that I preached it from the
mountaintops. I'd say it was roughly 1991-2001. Every
choice I seemed to make in this period was
through my heart and I had no regrets. None. In
fact I've lived the majority of my life without
regrets because I follow my heart. I believed, up
until this moment, that that was a necessity for a
- I am losing
my brain in confusion right now because every single
choice I make I can only embrace for a week
or so, and then I regret it and want the exact
opposite. It's getting to the point of insanity. I
honestly define insanity for me as simply not trusting
your own thoughts anymore. I used to have strong
feelings about something and it was a gut-instinct.
I believed it. Sure I was wrong sometimes,
but the point was I made very difficult decisions
relying on my heart, my intellect and experience and
stood by them.
- I literally
can't figure out the right way to run my day.
I second-guess everything I do and with good
reason. I've always been lost in my career but now I'm
lost everywhere and it's almost too much. Hell
I decided to drive to a different Subway to save
30 cents on a sandwich and ended up scraping 2 parked
cars (SUVs in fuckin' compact spaces, but that's
another rant). But that's nothin' in comparison
to the real problems. Just look at the last two
months. Hell I make entries up just proclaiming
the end of the drama and what's this? I avoid an
entry for over a week because I don't want to add
to this boring DRIVEL, yet it's all I am. This journey
has reduced me to this. I can only seemingly emit
the right attitude for long enough to post an entry
and then I'm completely lost again.
- And it's simply
because in the past 3 months I've regretted every
decision I've made. All of them. Back with Jessica,
not back with Jessica. And not lightly in either
direction mind you! The Sunday I talked to
Jessica about 2 weeks ago after Japan it was very
clear to me that we needed space. Very clear.
I felt like all my decisions were based on being
lonely and lost. Not fair to either of us to make
decisions in that state. Cut to now, and I'm not as
confident. I think that maybe we should
just try for a bit. But then we'll regret
- The thing is,
space doesn't help these problems. It really is much
bigger than car accidents and marriages. It's the
fundamental decision making mechanism in my body and
soul that just seems completely broken. I can
defend any decision just 'cause I'm a good debater.
I can do the list of pros and cons and make them
identical 10 and 10, 20 and 20... just name it. Maybe
this is what happens when Talk Show Hosts get
divorced? Heh. I wonder how the political pundits
deal with shit in their lives? LOL. I wonder if
after Crossfire Bob Novak tries to decide whether to
take the job at Fox News and at the same time talks
himself into and out of it to the point of doing
nothing. Because that's what it all comes down to.
You're so doubtful of your decision making ability
that you just don't move.
- And when the HELL
did this happen!??! It's probably my number one
character trait in life! That I can make a firm
decision, I get shit done, even if it doesn't end
up perfect I was productive and moved forward
some way. But my life, starting on February
13th has been a series of erratic decisions all of
which I've regretted at one point, from buying a piano
to flying to Japan, to not taking a different job, to
interfering with Jess and Vegas Guy (I just can't call
him Moe), to craaaaaazy relationships, to selling the
house and country-hopping for years, to a sit-com
pilot, to a music career... Wow. The more I think
about the last 4 months the more I'm in shock. Who the
hell is this guy? And how on earth can this continue
without me eventually burning out so fast I can barely
stand? It's not like I can just stop making
decisions until I cool off - that's all life is! And
now, every thought I have - I doubt.
I assume it's just my emotions getting the better
of me. It's as if I've completely lost the ability to
differentiate between the two.
- And to a MAN
I will wake up (that's funny - heh) to a man I
will wake up tomorrow and...wow - I've written that
before but now it makes no sense. The whole "to a man"
cliche. Anyone ever heard that before I wrote it?
It means without exception, but for the life of me
I can't figure out why it means that.
- Where on earth was
I? Yeah - I'll wake up tomorrow and feel different.
God it's always the same old song and fuckin' dance
Kontras. Is this what happens when things don't work
out in your 20s? You just get thrown into your 30s
unhappy? And you just settle for contentment because
it's better than unhappy? I mean I can play
the contentment game for a good long time. Get excited
about DVD releases, videogame consoles and sports
teams. Be happy with a wife that loves me and kick-ass
dogs. Wow. That's how it happens isn't it? I've just
lasted a bit longer than most. Goddamn, that's exactly
how it happens. You push the dream for so long until
you just get sick of being miserable and you are so
attracted to contentment that you give in.
- This is obviously
an entry with no real conclusion. Lemme go make a good
video at least.
- PS - Ha, good
This is what Shizzle and I find amusing. We run
through the house and jump on the furniture back and
forth for what seems to me like 3 hours, but in
reality is 7 minutes. At least I can be crazy with him
and not feel bad about it. ;-)