11:31 AM, Wednesday, June 8th 2005:
This will need a bit of insight before I delve into this.
There was a period of my life, where I believed so solely in following your heart that I preached it from the mountaintops. I'd say it was roughly 1991-2001. Every choice I seemed to make in this period was through my heart and I had no regrets. None. In fact I've lived the majority of my life without regrets because I follow my heart. I believed, up until this moment, that that was a necessity for a happy life.
I am losing my brain in confusion right now because every single choice I make I can only embrace for a week or so, and then I regret it and want the exact opposite. It's getting to the point of insanity. I honestly define insanity for me as simply not trusting your own thoughts anymore. I used to have strong feelings about something and it was a gut-instinct. I believed it. Sure I was wrong sometimes, but the point was I made very difficult decisions relying on my heart, my intellect and experience and stood by them.
I literally can't figure out the right way to run my day. I second-guess everything I do and with good reason. I've always been lost in my career but now I'm lost everywhere and it's almost too much. Hell I decided to drive to a different Subway to save 30 cents on a sandwich and ended up scraping 2 parked cars (SUVs in fuckin' compact spaces, but that's another rant). But that's nothin' in comparison to the real problems. Just look at the last two months. Hell I make entries up just proclaiming the end of the drama and what's this? I avoid an entry for over a week because I don't want to add to this boring DRIVEL, yet it's all I am. This journey has reduced me to this. I can only seemingly emit the right attitude for long enough to post an entry and then I'm completely lost again.
And it's simply because in the past 3 months I've regretted every decision I've made. All of them. Back with Jessica, not back with Jessica. And not lightly in either direction mind you! The Sunday I talked to Jessica about 2 weeks ago after Japan it was very clear to me that we needed space. Very clear. I felt like all my decisions were based on being lonely and lost. Not fair to either of us to make decisions in that state. Cut to now, and I'm not as confident. I think that maybe we should just try for a bit. But then we'll regret that...
The thing is, space doesn't help these problems. It really is much bigger than car accidents and marriages. It's the fundamental decision making mechanism in my body and soul that just seems completely broken. I can defend any decision just 'cause I'm a good debater. I can do the list of pros and cons and make them identical 10 and 10, 20 and 20... just name it. Maybe this is what happens when Talk Show Hosts get divorced? Heh. I wonder how the political pundits deal with shit in their lives? LOL. I wonder if after Crossfire Bob Novak tries to decide whether to take the job at Fox News and at the same time talks himself into and out of it to the point of doing nothing. Because that's what it all comes down to. You're so doubtful of your decision making ability that you just don't move.
And when the HELL did this happen!??! It's probably my number one character trait in life! That I can make a firm decision, I get shit done, even if it doesn't end up perfect I was productive and moved forward some way. But my life, starting on February 13th has been a series of erratic decisions all of which I've regretted at one point, from buying a piano to flying to Japan, to not taking a different job, to interfering with Jess and Vegas Guy (I just can't call him Moe), to craaaaaazy relationships, to selling the house and country-hopping for years, to a sit-com pilot, to a music career... Wow. The more I think about the last 4 months the more I'm in shock. Who the hell is this guy? And how on earth can this continue without me eventually burning out so fast I can barely stand? It's not like I can just stop making decisions until I cool off - that's all life is! And now, every thought I have - I doubt. I assume it's just my emotions getting the better of me. It's as if I've completely lost the ability to differentiate between the two.
And to a MAN I will wake up (that's funny - heh) to a man I will wake up tomorrow - I've written that before but now it makes no sense. The whole "to a man" cliche. Anyone ever heard that before I wrote it? It means without exception, but for the life of me I can't figure out why it means that.
Where on earth was I? Yeah - I'll wake up tomorrow and feel different. God it's always the same old song and fuckin' dance Kontras. Is this what happens when things don't work out in your 20s? You just get thrown into your 30s unhappy? And you just settle for contentment because it's better than unhappy? I mean I can play the contentment game for a good long time. Get excited about DVD releases, videogame consoles and sports teams. Be happy with a wife that loves me and kick-ass dogs. Wow. That's how it happens isn't it? I've just lasted a bit longer than most. Goddamn, that's exactly how it happens. You push the dream for so long until you just get sick of being miserable and you are so attracted to contentment that you give in.
This is obviously an entry with no real conclusion. Lemme go make a good video at least.
PS - Ha, good video. This is what Shizzle and I find amusing. We run through the house and jump on the furniture back and forth for what seems to me like 3 hours, but in reality is 7 minutes. At least I can be crazy with him and not feel bad about it. ;-)