1:30 PM, Monday, May 30th 2005:
I'll get this over with up front:
When are you gonna come down? When are you going to land?
You've ignored your career for months now,
You need to get up and stand...
You can't be lost forever, remember 2002?
You're running out of time to wait for someday,
But you're too young to be singin' the blues...
So goodbye to April and May, I'm seeing you on your way..
I can't take anymore drama, I'm going back to my ways...
Back to the plotting and scheming man, who let nothin' get in his way...
Oh I've finally decided my future lies, beyond April and May...
I apologize the piano (even closed) is just too damn loud, the mic was even on, but I really just have to use the other piano for quick journey songs or take the time to mix everything seperately. That and the compression for the internet video also makes it difficult to hear the lyrics. Grrr.
Let me also say a quick "Don't take this personally" to anyone or anything that happened in April and May. You just look over these THIRTY friggin' entries and it makes your head spin. I have to get away from them. I have to move on.
So does that mean moving on from Jess? We need space. In all that happened in Japan and all that I feel when talking with her... neither of us can truly take that next step - unless of course we get jealous. It's the strangest pattern, but maybe understandable. I'd like to think that I was bigger than that in February when she mentioned Moe, and there were some serious extenuating circumstances I thought had to be addressed, but it was brought on because of that jealousy. Then when she found out about was the same thing. All the sudden we were completely focused on the other person. But even when no one was in the picture, Japan for example, there was still this hesitency to really get back. Like when it came down to the logistics of it all - we couldn't really do it. That's how the end of Japan was for us, as well as the first day back in LA. Then the roomate came...
...remember that sentence at the end of April? (sigh). In the midst of all the shit in April, in fact the DAY Moe's wife called me - I offered a room up for rent for a girl I'd known of for about 8 years but truly only started talking to after she wrote me saying she dug "Saying When". We talked for a bit online, and she wanted to go to USC film school and just get the fuck out of Columbus. I remember specifically thinking that while I was dealing with two women I felt couldn't just STAND UP AND DEMAND WHAT THEY WANTED - here was someone who was willing to give it all up and move to LA (sound familiar?). I didn't give it a second thought and said she could rent out a room stupid cheap to get on her feet. What I would have given to have that opportunity!
Well she quit her jobs and did it. All within about a week. Talk about balls. As time went on however it became clear that this was somewhat inappropriate but I wasn't going to reneg after she had everything done. Jess was cool with it, even met with her in Columbus while I was in Japan.
Now I was stressin' about it because just as I said with the Japan trip - this is something you DONT do when trying to reconcile. This is a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad idea. I'm not saying I'm this incredible gift to all women and will have to fend them off with a stick, but you just don't put yourself in these situations. Just as you don't go alone to a different country for the same reason.
Yet by the end of Japan as I said, I was getting aggrivated - I was realizing that my decisions on everything were being solely made by me because I was so friggin' lonely and I COULD NOT bring all this back onto both of us again because I felt alone. Hell the second I saw Shizzle and Roxy I felt better. The second I had human contact again I felt like my head was clearer and I started being hesitant again. It's like Japan was just this crazy torture test to see how bad your decision making skills are when you can't speak with anyone for 10 days except through a computer.
Jess understood this on Sunday when we talked. She knew I was exhausted and just losing my mind. She knew I thought I was just uber-lonely and needed some time and space in a normal setting to think about things. But once Cassi arrived it all changed. She admitted just hearing someone behind me when we talked made her skin crawl. And she had even met and liked her. I understood though. I put myself in her shoes and thought about how I'd feel - and then it hit me again... my ass would have picked me up at the airport from Japan and been there every second. Ain't no waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay I would've dealt with that from 2500 miles away. So you put another $250 on credit card debt....
Now - I say that like there was something Jess could've done, and I have to rescind that. The bottom line in ALLLLLLL of this is neither of us felt comfortable making that next step - and there is a REASON Jess didn't come to LA again... there was something holding her back. There has been something holding us back this whole time. And it's really the same shit we dealt with in July of 2004. We struggled for 8 months with our decision then, and when it comes down to it, that's all still there even with me making more money. The one smart thing that people have said, that neither of us have listened to has been: "GIVE EACH OTHER SOME FRIGGIN SPACE". And it's the one thing we've never done. Other than the 2-3 weeks where I hated her ever-lovin' guts, we have been in constant contact with each other about EVERYTHING. We haaaaaaaaaaaave to have some time to deal with shit. It's insane to think she moved all that shit out in December - then lived in LA at her boss's house for 3 whole months, and then still hasn't gotten even an apartment and living in her parents house for the past 2 months. It's this state of PURGATORY for her that is clouding every decision. You have to just commit to the split at some point and know that if it's strong enough, it will be.
I am able to say this now obviously because I'm not the loneliest man on the planet like I was for 10 days in Japan. It's like my head is clear. Hell, I'm even thinking about the C word for the first time since October... GASP CAREER!
It's amazing what having someone bright eyed about LA around you will do for your outlook. Here I am the sourest 29 year old in the city and around her I just feel like a fuggin' downer. It forces me to look at myself and say: "What the fuck man, remember why you're here?!?!?". It's certainly a veiled blessing in disguise and is allowing me to wash off April and May and try to look ahead at all I have and do something about it. I just can't be negative when I'm around someone who I see that has so much ahead of them and can't stop smiling... That's who I was when I got here, hell that's who I was when I was 19 and in talk radio. She is a reminder that it's alllllllllllllll a state of mind. Those with that attitude make it, those with my attitude simmer for 3 years.
I have been falling down the steps for too long. I need to fall up the steps again. I need to start pushing myself, even in wrong directions NOW. I believe it's in music now, I believe "Saying When" is the start, and I believe I have to make others see that. Goodbye April & May...and 2004, 2003 and 2002. LOL. Where oh where has my career gone?