3:45 PM, Sunday, May 21st 2005:
You know, I knew there would be quite the culture shock coming home, in may ways even moreso than coming to Tokyo, but I didn't expect it to happen at the airport.
Sitting at the gate I had to listen to two guys talking to this woman about how much they hated Japan. Hated the flight, were stuck here for 3 weeks had to eat the shitty food. One guy said his flight to Tokyo was so long he had to "shoot one off" to relieve the stress. All the way to the ceiling apparently. (Sigh) I had landed in Los Angeles apparently 10 hours early. Oh how I longed for the joy of not knowing a damn thing anyone around you was saying.
Even on the plane hearing english was actually a negative. Isn't that weird? Guy behind me is an engineer, works on planes and he was simply talking to the guy next to him...but I had to put my headphones on and listen to the "buckle your seatbelt" rules just to feel "ok". It's as if hearing other conversations feels intrusive somehow. It's like they're entering my head when I don't want them to. Isn't that WEIRD? I assume I'll get over that. But there is going to be a post-Japan depression for sure for a week or so. Just the thought of work right now is nauseating. Especially with the fact that it's 100% cold-calling now. So isn't me. I don't know how long I'll be able to deal with that.
I guess there should be some epic final entry but there's nothing really epic to say. Honestly, it was what I thought it would be and I feel the way I thought I would. I absolutely loved the adventure of it all, I absolutely loved chronicling it like this with the moveis, pictures and songs... but I also love being at home and desperately miss a human connection. The big question that remains is if that connection is Jessica or is it just anyone. It's both obviously. I will be satiated with my DOGS at this point, but it doesn't mean that's all I need. One thing is for sure, Jess and I have to shit or get off the pot on this in a relatively timely matter or we're simply going to destroy each other. It is so hard to be up in the air on where we stand, what it means, if it's worth it, if we'll regret, why now, BLAH BLAH BLAH. If we decide we can't risk getting back together, we have to stop being in constant contact and vice versa if we're ready to do this. I hold firm that we owe it to ourselves to give this a shot, but maybe that just means her living in LA with me for a month before truckin' all her shit back. It's the whole 2500 miles, thousands of dollars in moving expenses that has both of us a little wary for sure.
What a lovely mess. And maaaaaaaaaaaaan do I miss her. I keep needing to remind myself that when I get off this airplane she won't be there, and I probably won't see her until August when I go back to Columbus for a reunion. I just hate being alone. In the strangest way, that's what the journey is for. Seriously, the only reason this whole trip was possible was because of the excitement I got from being able to share it with everyone. Making that song for Kabuki-No! was such an exhilarating feeling knowing people would be able to watch it immediately from the other side of the world. I guess you're never alone with the internet.
What a state to be in as I approach 30. Absolutely lost. Flying all over the world just trying to figure out what my life is going to be. It's incredible how badly I want a goal to work towards. Without it, I am a complete loose cannon following any ray of light I can conjure up and hoping it means something. I can only imagine what people think reading this. What would you guys do? Oh yeah, and my CAREER. Remember that? AHHHHHHHHHH.
Could it be? Tokyo completely confused me more? In a sense, yeah. It showed me even moreso...that I can do anything. Which makes settling for anything even harder to do. If I can do anything shouldn't I be doing MORE!?!?! It's going to be a constant battle for sure. So yeah, Tokyo just made me feel like more of a badass. To do Japan the way I did, that fearlessly, with nothing planned quite simply took balls. To have it turn out as well as it did just makes my balls match my big american penis. Heh.
What a trip though. I have absolutely no regrets. Well, I did get offered a "massage" last night and it occured to me if I felt more "single" I probably would've gone just to see their reaction to my BIG AMERICAN PENIS (I have to make shirts) but as I said before, the thought of paying for anything sexual is just so foreign to me. Even in a foreign land. I was amazed I was asked though - she must have been curious. Heh.
Ooooh food and drink service. I'll shut down for the moment.
(An Hour Later)
You know, I think I"m about 2 good years away from being absolutely certifiable. In absolute seriousness. I am completely on the verge of CRAZY. I have all the makings of the recluse crazy man who loses all touch with reality. I can't find the everyday simple goals that allow you to get through the day. My path is branching in 8 different directions, and whenever I choose one, I spend the entire time wondering what the hell were on the other 7 paths. You know what I need? You know what I really need? I need a kid. Christ I can't believe I'm saying this, but I need someone who is completely helpless that I am responsible that pushes me to think of him first. Without that I'm a goddamn crazy-man. That, or I need a manager that says - "do this.". Ugh. See what I mean? Crazy I tell you. I can see me being a guy rocking back and forth in a straight jacket with my mind moving at 1,000 miles an hour going through every scenario that could've been. How do you turn that off? How do you stop your mind? Fuck two years - I'm crazy now. LOL.
Eh, it's just when I'm forced to make some sweeping entry about what something means like this Tokyo trip. Hell folks, I have no idea. I was lost on my way to Japan, and I'm just as lost thinking about what lies ahead. I'll tell you this though. In 2003 when Jess and I bought the house and were starting our new life with kids in the near future...I was fine. The past year however has been so fuckin' turbulant I can barely get through a peaceful hour. That has to mean something. So just take your time Adam, have a million conversations, and the answers will come through. Stop forcing yourself to make the decisions when it's not time. Remember how Jordan let the game come to him? Exactly.
Helluva 10 entries huh? Didn't believe I'd be able to pull off an entry a day did ya. Yeah, I'm pretty amazed by that too. This will either be one of the last things I do as a crazy single guy, or the start of a dozen adventures...I just don't know. Career wise I honestly think my shit would go over in Tokyo if I reworked The Trinitrons to be more music oriented. Man I need a friggin' manager...NOW. NO more fuckin' around. Jesus could it be anymore obvious? I don't know DICK about how to "make it" I just know I have more unused talent drippin' out of me and THAT makes me crazy. All untapped potential, mine or someone elses, make me crazy. A married woman who sells herself short? Check. A relationship with a person you feel is literally your second half? Check. A list of talents that are only shown on an unknown website that is the biggest form of public masturbation ever invented? Check. Ha! That's a good one. At least I still have perspective.
I'm done folks. Tokyo is over, and so is my rambling. I haven't the slightest idea what the future holds and am just as anxious to see how this year plays out as anyone else. God I'm envious of the reader. This is a bitch to have to live sometimes...
Thanks for reading everything. It made my trip 10 times more enjoyable to have people to share it with. The sincerest gratitude possible is in my heart.
PS - the song was done after being up for about 30 straight hours and y'all better give me props. Sooooo dead, but had to finish the "Journey to Japan". Also if I stole a part of this melody from someone I'm sorry. It haunted me in Japan and I have no idea why. Then again it may be my "Scrambled Eggs" (For non beatle fans, McCartney dreamed the melody to 'Yesterday' and played it for everyone as 'Scrambled Eggs' and was sure it was someone else's melody. When everyone said no it wasn't - he recorded it. Oh well. There's better things to sue me for. Heh.