12:00 AM, Thursday, May 12th 2005:
It really, really never ends. (sigh)
It became very apparent over the past week that the trip to Tokyo was no longer what it was intended to be. A single, lost guy soaking in the feeling of being lost in a completely foreign city. The intrigue of that in early March was certainly amazing. I'm now in a completely different place...or am I?
To say this past week was overwhelming is truly spectacular if you consider the month that was right before it. To be able to maintain a connection with Jessica through all of what we explained in the last two entries is just so extraordinary...but what's the commitment? The worst part is, how do we let the dust settle? We can't really get back into the swing of married life without her moving all of her stuff back out here and getting a job. All "weeks" like we had are obviously biased toward comfort because she's not working, I took a lot of time off for her coming to town...hardly a realistic view of things. Do we really know where we stand? Will it ever be more obvious than it was this past week?
So in a sense, this trip to Tokyo tomorrow comes at a perfect time...or the worst fucking time possible. It's pretty much in the Adam Kontras Handbook that if you want to avoid drama, you don't leave your house...EVER. So going to Tokyo for 10 days is just stupid. Not that I can't control myself, I'm just so fuggin' confused on where my commitment should lie!
I could always postpone the trip and go with Jess at a later time, but Jess has no interest in Tokyo whatsoever. She'd go with me, but I'd rather go with her to Italy or someplace slightly romantic. There is nothing romantic about Tokyo. Parts of Japan maybe, but my intention was to just get inundated with that uneasy "Far-from-home" feeling that reeks out of the japaneese culture. That was what I wanted to document on this site. That was what I wanted to write about, sing about, shoot video and take pictures about. I'd almost rather cancel the trip altogether, get most of the money back and apply it towards something else.
That was pretty much where I was a few days ago. Oddly enough though, one morning sitting on the toilet I was just insanely stressed out about the Jess situation and I actually said to myself:
Not even thinking about the fact that I had a trip planned in a few days to the other side of the world completely by myself. This is a rare opportunity that most people just don't get in life. I would regret it forever if I didn't just go, get lost and really try to figure everything out.
Also realize, it's not just Jess - it's the entire domestic life. I absolutely meant every word of what I said last month about selling the home and travelling the world, writing and singing about everything. This is the crossroad of all crossroads. A family, the dogs, still being able to beat on a few doors in LA - or the absolute unknown - finding and meeting people all over the world and making this art. Goddamn that sounds so incredibly attractive to me. I really wasn't saying that because of the Alaur situation. She just brought it to my attention.
So that's how I have to look at this. It's obvious that the connection between Jess and I is stronger than even we realized. I now have to search every part of my being to see if I can give everything 100% to Jessica that we both need to be happy. Hell, she's in the same boat. The decision last July was anything but knee-jerk. It was labored over for the better part of a year. She is just as freaked about the prospect of jumping back in only to be in the same place in a few years, so we owe it to ourselves to allow everyone on the planet to tell us how fuckin crazy they think we are before we do this.
Man I'm so scared to end this entry. LOL. There's a tiny part of me that thinks I will look back on this paragraph in a couple of years and shake my head. I just don't know what I'll be thinking then...
Whew, sometimes I wish I was a reader. Expect an entry a day...