8:14 PM, Tuesday, May 10th 2005: the midst of it all it just became necessary to see each other.
Actually, I'd been saying I wanted to see you but you were not too keen on the idea. Probably because of Alaur and that confusion.
Yeah, I guess not to sound shitty, but I had to see that through to some reasonable point before I could just blow it off completely. I was trying to keep my guard up with you but it wasn't a week until I just said "I miss you, I miss you, I miss you" You sounded as if I had just melted your heart. I honestly didn't mean to have that effect on you, but it was the truth. The flight was planned the next day. What I really wasn't prepared for was just how I'd feel when I saw you. Whew.
I had to pee so bad.
There ya go babe. Storybook ending indeed.
....BUT I saw you outside and had to run up and hug you.
Very true. When we got home and were able to hug and kiss one thing ran through my mind: "This week is going to change our lives". I didn't say it then, but I sure as hell thought it.
Yes, he held my face...looked in my EYES and felt PASSION goddamnit. ;-)
Oh for fuck's sake. LOL. Can I please defend myself? (editor's note: she's diggin' at me about things I said to Alaur...) I'm sure YOU know exactly what I meant here Jess. When you're with someone who is risking their MARRIAGE just to be with you, there is a different type of PASSION. Not good or bad, just INTENSE.
Blah blah blah go on... ;-)
(grrrrr) So it was a beautiful night and morning...
And then I asked you what I thought was a random question...
...and the biggest fight in the history of Jess and Adam began. So now I get to look like the bad guy. Let me take everyone back to July of last year. (sigh)
After 8 months of discussion and working things out, Jess and I decided to split on July 9th. Because of her work, she couldn't move out until September. Of course by the time September came around it was bumped until Thanksgiving and a few days later until the first of the year. There is a reason you don't split up and live with each other for 6 months. It starts to throw everything out of whack.
I felt like the person pushing this split because I saw Jessica being miserable in LA. If it were up to her, I'm certain she would have just stayed and been unhappy. That's just how much she loved me. This is all well documented in the entries last July and August. Of course as time went on, and the move out dates kept being pushed I was incredibly antsy. When I went back to Columbus at the end of September for the Trinitrons 3 show, I felt that was my time to finally be single. I wasn't going to shove Jessica's face in it, but I couldn't keep waiting for a date that was constantly changing. Jess had to stay because of work and I was making this trip alone.
I was planning to come out and surprise you but got sick the night you left and ended up having an appendectomy.
Of course this is when the airplane kiss happened that I mentioned back in February. I was absolutely, positively looking to meet someone in every possible way.
Actually while you were shoving your tongue down her throat, I was puking my guts up on the bathroom floor until 3 AM. Miserable, alone with no sheets on the bed because I was washing them for you you prick. :-)
(sigh) I wish people could see us smirking right now.
Who's smirking!??!?! ;-)
That's what that face means damnit. So I was freaked about Jess who I wasn't called about until the next evening and by that time was already being rushed to the hospital and the surgery was that night. I was in my uncle's wedding the next day completely helpless. Luckily our friends out here helped out. The surgery was alright, but Jess was obviously miserable. Her plan of surprising me was gone.
Couldn't eat, couldn't walk, couldn't bathe...I was desperate for you.
Boy you're just really buttering them up for what I do next aren't ya. I do regret that I met someone that weekend. I had no idea what was "appropriate" anymore. I thought making some valiant effort to cancel my Trinitrons show would be something a HUSBAND would do, not something a friend would do. This was my weekend to finally break apart and I felt like doing anything different at this point would completely confuse you. I stll called about 5 times a day making sure you were alright, and thankfully you were. When I finally talked to you and not our friends helping you, you were obviously emotional and wanted me to come back. I was completely torn.
I was incredibly lonely, needed you more than I ever did, and you weren't there.
Obviously, I didn't go back. I didn't cancel the show, and I continued with what I had set out to do from the beginning. I feel like an absolute asshole right now, but just as Jess did in February I was certain we were "done" and had to move on. I did meet and have sex with someone during the trip all the while still talking to Jess seeing how she was. I just had to register it in my head as being a friend to her although I knew this would absolutely kill her.
I should have told you the moment I got back. I regret this to no end. Because when I got back you were in wife-mode big time. Wanted to work everything out, wanted to be back together in every way and I was even more confused. Maybe this could work out? Maybe our love was really strong enough? We ended up having an incredible week (seems like that's always the way) and I honest to GOD thought we were getting back together. I told myself that if we truly were, I would have to tell you everything that happened in Columbus - otherwise what was the point?
How 'bout the honesty you always speak so highly of?
It obviously ate me up Jess, but if we weren't going to be together, it almost seemed like I'd be doing it just for me. As if it was something for me to get off my chest, completely hurting you. If we had any intention of getting back together (i.e. right now) I was completely ready to tell you. Hell even in February I started to tell you all this.
However, the weeks went on and nothing had changed. It seemed to me once her pain was better she was able to go back to work and wasn't as needy. I was starting a new job and it was very obvious we were not reconciling. I was happy I didn't tell her as I wanted to keep the peace until December 22nd when she was leaving to go back to Columbus.
I met one other person in December right before Jess left but we were so distant that it didn't even seem to matter at that point. Of course now it DOES matter. Telling Jess these things hurt her so bad. I keep envisioning her screaming and crying last Thursday and feeling so responsible for all this pain. It was as if I held her up for 6 months while we were seperate so she had the power to leave, and now I was just laying all this betrayal on her. It doesn't matter if we were seperated or not. And this is what so many people can never understand about Jess and I. We hold ourselves to higher standards than most relationships. Even if we're seperated we demand and expect honesty. I couldn't imagine trying to tell her this while living under the same roof and felt no other choice but to keep it from her until we had both moved on.
So I think everybody understands the hurt I felt with those two. I expected there to be more after we split, and even two of those hurt for different reasons I won't really mention. Alaur was only painful because of Adam's connection with her, the rest all had other... goddamn you're a sex addict Adam.
It's the piano. They can't get away from the piano.
You're selling the piano.
So suffice to say our "discussion" got ugly. I was trying to be relatively calm but even got some incredible 2 inch from your face SCREAMS. I believe your hair actually flew back like in the cartoons.
I was PISSED. I slammed my elbow against the wall (MADE OF PLASTER) and still have the bruises to show it (funny, even as mad as I was at you I loved you enough not to hurt you - I hurt my own fucking self).
Well that's not true. I remember you charging me with fists of fury as I braced myself and pushed you back onto the bed. I really thought you were going to kill me.
If I were stronger I would've. I really gotta start working out. Anyway, they get the picture.
Everything was so overwhelming and with no end in sight. It continued to hurt all day, and honestly to this moment still hurts both of us.
Especially now that we get to talk about it again! Although, I must say I'm enjoying this entry a bit more than the last one.
Ha ha. By the next day however it was clear we needed to get out of the city. There were still moments of screaming and crying, but they were slightly lessened. We decided on Lake Arrowhead but had no place in mind. Thought we'd be adventurous. Little did we know how adventurous we'd be.
So I'm a good navigator but I think I picked the wrong route. Mountain roads are scary enough, but the fog...good god the fog.
I will admit it now, I've never been more certain that we were going to careen off the side of a mountain in my life. It was so foggy that all I could see was the faint white stripe on the side of the road. And if we actually passed a turn (where that white stripe no longer exists) you could see NOTHING. Not even exagerrating. I think I shit green for 3 days. We went about 8 miles an hour for what seemed like hours - oh and I had no gas. Scary as shit.
And no cell phone service. Good times. I seriously thought we were not going to make it through that night alive. I realized if we died that night I needed to let you know what was guarded in my heart and I just blurted out "I love you and I think we can get through this!"
We were ready to stop at ANY house or establishment and just sit and pray for daylight. Amazingly the first thing we saw was "The Storybook Inn: Lodging and Fine Dining."
Before the stupid internet connection went out earlier in the day, I had actually seen a recomendation on this bed and breakfast and thought it looked really romantic and perfect for us.
To spar...
Cute...but when I went to book a reservation it was close to $200 a night. At this point however we were willing to pay $500 a night and would have parked our car there and slept. Luckily someone cancelled because of the fog...
They were the smart ones.
...and we were in luck. Only $89.95! We ordered in some food and tried to relax.
The symbolism wasn't lost on me at all. All this fog and absolute fright between us only to find "The Storybook Inn" which was just amazing. It was like a familiar home.
Warm, inviting and absolutely PERFECT. It felt like the story of our lives that night.
Yes dear, you had internet access. We had our entire lives in front of us, but you had internet access.
Hey, I mentioned the symbolism first. Just let me geek out a bit.
The next two days were easily the most schizophrenic days of our lives. Absolute euphoria followed by INSANE tears and overwhelming emotion. Along with our loving photo from the last entry, the rest could be summed up with this one:

It just hurts. Lies hurt, betrayal hurts, regret hurts. I think more than anything we just both kept being saddened that we had put each other through all of this SHIT. It's what happens when you spend 6 years thinking only of "us" and are then forced to think only for "you". The other person gets fucked.

That's a great picture. I look pathetic.
Poetic. Little by little we moved through things and of course now we're left with... what?
(sigh) x2. It's why the title is a question. I'm sure anyone who has read from July on, is so excited at the prospect of us getting back together, but it isn't that easy. Are we ready to do this?
Maybe we're back at the beginning of 2000, or maybe we're just back in July of last year, but no matter what we're no longer in April 2005.
Well said babe. I contend that my job has added a variable to our lives that makes things possible we never saw before. Just as I was fighting back in February, I want the chance to just see through all of this. Unfortunately you driving all your shit back to LA is a huuuuuuuuuuuuge step that we're both cautious about.
I don't want end up five years from now in the same position we were last summer and thinking: "We should've made the break when we had a chance". When all our shit was seperated and our seperate paths had already begun.
Yet somehow babe, those paths keep leading right back to each other. Do we ignore that? Do we FORCE ourselves to start lives with other people when it's so obvious how connected we are? Can we even be friends through all this? Are battered wives ever deep fried?
LOLOLOLOL - Don't say that, they're gonna think you beat me.
Just trying to lighten shit up. These are enormous questions that we're faced with, and it really just isn't clear now. We have to spend some time really soul searching.
I feel we're both in a much better place to make those decisions now.
I am very, very aware of how hard it was to come to the decisions we did last summer and the last thing I want to do is erase all of that because of this intensely emotional week. I guess this is the fog coming back down the mountain. Heh.
It was clear at the bottom...
That it was. Anyway, Jess and I are going to try and enjoy her last evening here and well, this isn't really enjoyable. I hope everyone understands why we felt the need to go through every part of this. There was just so much of the story locked up and I really wanted us both to explain what I think is the most endearing photo of Jess and I ever taken. Feel free to tell us what you think: Jess or Adam. Here's to storybook endings...
Jess and Adam