- 10:48 PM,
Saturday, April 30th 2005:
-
- There are some
mistakes you can never learn from because they were
made at the absolute core of your being. In my case
believing in someone's potential will always hit me at
such a level that even knowing the outcome (after
writing the friggin' script) won't stop what my heart
tells me is important. Knowing this is about the only
thing that can give me perspective on one of the two
huge occurences this month.
-
- After a few hours
with Alaur 4 weeks ago tonight, I could have
rewritten every entry before they happened all the way
through until here. I knew almost every line
before it happened - and every decision she would make
before she made them. I guess that actually makes
the fact that I continued it even more fantastic.
Knowing everything, I still was in awe of the
feeling I got looking in her eyes, and the
unbelieveable person she became when in my presence.
The way she would talk after not seeing me for even 2
days was almost night and day. Then after an hour or
so, you'd see something blossom that was
unbelieveable. It was that potential for her to be
more that enchanted me.
-
- Without me, she
was a disconnected wife that got all her attention
from the men she surrounded herself with at work and
through friends and was actually somewhat content with
that. Until things are absolutely unliveable, which
may be never, she'll continue the comfortable path. As
well, she'll continue to lie to him which for me...was
too much.
-
- It happened in
Palaur well too late: the turning point. The point
where her actions are go from understandable to
disrespectful. The barometer this time was MUCH, MUCH
quicker. As I said in previous entries, cheating
is bad enough. But to continue like nothing is wrong
for months even years, that is outrageous. Because if
and when they do find out - it taints EVERYTHING. As
well, that whole if and when statement really started
to kick my ass. She would always write "If and when
I leave him..." And as far as I'm concerned, if
you can even MAKE that statement then you're just
using your spouse. You don't lead someone on until you
feel comfortable especially considering this guy has
done nothing but work really hard at his career. She
needs to be honest with him, and watching her
rationalize her lies and holding her true feelings
from him proved to just drive me crazy.
-
- When we last left
off we were giving each other space. She actually
called and kept in contact quite a bit and it was
incredibly endearing. Even calling when I was in North
Carolina to say "I love you" and it melted my
heart. This last Thursday morning we met for coffee
and it was obvious she was in a different "mode". She
wanted so badly for us to be friends during this
period while she was dealing with her husband but it
was very apparent that there was nothing to deal with.
She kept saying she knew she would leave when the
"moment" struck her. She would just wake up one
day and just be sick of it. In the meantime she
enjoyed the free time she had without him, time with
her male co-workers and her alone time... As she said
it wasn't like she was slitting her wrists every
morning. But she knew she would wake up one day and
she'd have ENOUGH.
-
- I contended
that she did wake up that one day...posted an
ad on the internet and proceeded to have a 2 week love
affair. Uhm, that would be your sign that your
marriage is unfulfilling. LOL. You can't get much more
of an obvious "feeling" than that.
-
- As I watched
her go on and on almost as if it was a prepared speech
I just shook my head. This was the same
"speech" I heard 4 weeks previous
at Casa Vega that after a drink and some real
questions completely evaporated. She could only keep
up that facade for so long until she was
just...honest. But what I realized that was the more
time she spent in her life without me, the easier it
was to ignore all that and just be busy with
day-to-day activites. On top of that she always said:
"I don't want to dwell on my situation" which shows
she's comfortable continuing to live the lie.
I have to hand it to Laura in that area. We
discussed it 24-7 and the only time we didn't was when
we could just "sleep". Thus the song "Sleep,
Baby
Sleep". Our
entire existence was trying to figure out what to do
and it was exhausting - but again to her credit, that
was important to her. In the end she did tell Pat
everything and I conted if it wasn't for the
Catholic Church and her family basically disowning
her... things would have been drastically different.
I have to say though given those options, Laura
made the right choice. There's no way she could've
supported me without that support system and we
would've been doomed from the start. And as much as
I felt used by her in the end, I'm now seeing
that she did work her ass off to try and do the right
thing and again - told him the truth.
-
- So do I feel
used? Not purposely, but when I really look at
it...I guess. The things she said to me were pretty
serious. So either she didn't mean them, or just
couldn't face what they meant. Not sure I'll ever
really know, in the same way I can't really know
about Laura.
-
- Anyway, I'm
rambling. Had coffee the following morning and that
was pretty much the end. She wanted so badly to just
be friends and get to know each other better and
I just couldn't. I am a completely different
creature than her and I can't talk about the
TV show I watched the night before when
I feel like she's in a STATE of emergency.
I said point-blank to her: "It's like
playing 20 questions with a guy who's dying".
I remember specifically her reaction as if
I was exagerrating and I really wasn't. If her
relationship with her husband wasn't FOREMOST on
her mind after the month she went through, than we are
2 completely different people. It should be gnawing at
her day and night. The last thing she should be doing
is trying to find ways NOT to dwell on it. But
that was all she wanted. I was as honest as
I could be and just said I couldn't
not dwell. Yes it's draining, yes it's
stressful, yes I'd rather just have fun - but the
truth of the matter is that's not an acceptable or
responsible thing to do giving the situation.
I said to her if she wanted to talk about
something substantial, of course I would talk to her -
otherwise, I couldn't do this.
-
- We hugged and it
was obviously different. It felt very much like she
had her fill of passion and was now onto the
"coping" stage and I wasn't to be a part of
that. I walked away literally shaking my head
almost angry. It's all just so STUPID. What people
will ignore to stay comfortable...hell what people
will do to supposed LOVED ones to play both sides
of a coin is unbelieveable. But who knows,
I could just as easily get a call from her in a
couple weeks and things will be completely different.
She sure has an incredible coping mechanism. And with
as little time as they actually spend together - years
can pass. I've said it before: I think she'll hit
29 (in about 18 months) and start to freak out. The
pressure from him to have kids... She'll have no
choice but to make a decision. But I have a hard
time respecting someone who only deals with difficult
things in life when they are shoved down their throat.
If she knows she's gonna leave him - then fucking
leave. If she thinks she's going to stay, tell him the
truth and deal with the problems that made you have a
love affair. Those are the only two viable options in
my mind.
-
I'm actually not
really hurt the way I was before. "Alaur" is a
lot stronger than Laura was so I don't feel as
much like I'm letting someone down. There was a lot of
that with Laura being that I was her only source
of strength so I haaaaaaaaaad to continue to
fight for her to save her. With Alaur I'm a bit more
of a spectator as I know I've shown her a
different side of herself...and it simply isn't
something she's ready for. I respect that and
have to move on.
-
- I am so completely
ready for May at this point. Unimaginably, the 16
entries in the month are still missing two pretty big
stories that are currently coming to a head. One is
having a roomate in a couple weeks and the other is
just more confusion added to the last two locked
entries. There has never been a month even
CLOSE to April 2005. Nothing even comes close. I
don't know how the trip to Japan next month won't be a
boring 2nd to April. LOL. My life is
amazing.
-
- And to Alaur if
you're reading: I wholeheartedly meant everything
I said to you and still mean it. I think what we
have is outrageously rare and something you don't take
lightly. Just realize that there's a reporter side to
me that has to be very unemotional and point-blank
about things and your actions in the end speak louder
than your words. That doesn't mean you won't prove me
wrong in a month, it just means that in looking at the
past 4 weeks, this is what makes the most
sense.
-
- Bottom line: Fight
for what you believe in, don't ever be passive.
Waiting for a "moment" to hit you is basically
not doing a fucking thing because you're a pussy.
Fight for everything. Be pro-active. Otherwise, you
are going to look up and be 32, in the same situation
and wonder what ever happened to 27? What could have
happened in those 5 years had you just spoken
up!!!!
-
- Scary thought
huh...
-
- Adam
-
- PS -
A Journey Song first: a straight-up
cover.
I didn't change one lyric. It amazed me (ha no
pun intended!) how perfect the two verses were in my
life at this moment. One from my perspective, and one
from hers...
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