10:48 PM, Saturday, April 30th 2005:
There are some mistakes you can never learn from because they were made at the absolute core of your being. In my case believing in someone's potential will always hit me at such a level that even knowing the outcome (after writing the friggin' script) won't stop what my heart tells me is important. Knowing this is about the only thing that can give me perspective on one of the two huge occurences this month.
After a few hours with Alaur 4 weeks ago tonight, I could have rewritten every entry before they happened all the way through until here. I knew almost every line before it happened - and every decision she would make before she made them. I guess that actually makes the fact that I continued it even more fantastic. Knowing everything, I still was in awe of the feeling I got looking in her eyes, and the unbelieveable person she became when in my presence. The way she would talk after not seeing me for even 2 days was almost night and day. Then after an hour or so, you'd see something blossom that was unbelieveable. It was that potential for her to be more that enchanted me.
Without me, she was a disconnected wife that got all her attention from the men she surrounded herself with at work and through friends and was actually somewhat content with that. Until things are absolutely unliveable, which may be never, she'll continue the comfortable path. As well, she'll continue to lie to him which for me...was too much.
It happened in Palaur well too late: the turning point. The point where her actions are go from understandable to disrespectful. The barometer this time was MUCH, MUCH quicker. As I said in previous entries, cheating is bad enough. But to continue like nothing is wrong for months even years, that is outrageous. Because if and when they do find out - it taints EVERYTHING. As well, that whole if and when statement really started to kick my ass. She would always write "If and when I leave him..." And as far as I'm concerned, if you can even MAKE that statement then you're just using your spouse. You don't lead someone on until you feel comfortable especially considering this guy has done nothing but work really hard at his career. She needs to be honest with him, and watching her rationalize her lies and holding her true feelings from him proved to just drive me crazy.
When we last left off we were giving each other space. She actually called and kept in contact quite a bit and it was incredibly endearing. Even calling when I was in North Carolina to say "I love you" and it melted my heart. This last Thursday morning we met for coffee and it was obvious she was in a different "mode". She wanted so badly for us to be friends during this period while she was dealing with her husband but it was very apparent that there was nothing to deal with. She kept saying she knew she would leave when the "moment" struck her. She would just wake up one day and just be sick of it. In the meantime she enjoyed the free time she had without him, time with her male co-workers and her alone time... As she said it wasn't like she was slitting her wrists every morning. But she knew she would wake up one day and she'd have ENOUGH.
I contended that she did wake up that one day...posted an ad on the internet and proceeded to have a 2 week love affair. Uhm, that would be your sign that your marriage is unfulfilling. LOL. You can't get much more of an obvious "feeling" than that.
As I watched her go on and on almost as if it was a prepared speech I just shook my head. This was the same "speech" I heard 4 weeks previous at Casa Vega that after a drink and some real questions completely evaporated. She could only keep up that facade for so long until she was just...honest. But what I realized that was the more time she spent in her life without me, the easier it was to ignore all that and just be busy with day-to-day activites. On top of that she always said: "I don't want to dwell on my situation" which shows she's comfortable continuing to live the lie. I have to hand it to Laura in that area. We discussed it 24-7 and the only time we didn't was when we could just "sleep". Thus the song "Sleep, Baby Sleep". Our entire existence was trying to figure out what to do and it was exhausting - but again to her credit, that was important to her. In the end she did tell Pat everything and I conted if it wasn't for the Catholic Church and her family basically disowning her... things would have been drastically different. I have to say though given those options, Laura made the right choice. There's no way she could've supported me without that support system and we would've been doomed from the start. And as much as I felt used by her in the end, I'm now seeing that she did work her ass off to try and do the right thing and again - told him the truth.
So do I feel used? Not purposely, but when I really look at it...I guess. The things she said to me were pretty serious. So either she didn't mean them, or just couldn't face what they meant. Not sure I'll ever really know, in the same way I can't really know about Laura.
Anyway, I'm rambling. Had coffee the following morning and that was pretty much the end. She wanted so badly to just be friends and get to know each other better and I just couldn't. I am a completely different creature than her and I can't talk about the TV show I watched the night before when I feel like she's in a STATE of emergency. I said point-blank to her:  "It's like playing 20 questions with a guy who's dying". I remember specifically her reaction as if I was exagerrating and I really wasn't. If her relationship with her husband wasn't FOREMOST on her mind after the month she went through, than we are 2 completely different people. It should be gnawing at her day and night. The last thing she should be doing is trying to find ways NOT to dwell on it. But that was all she wanted. I was as honest as I could be and just said I couldn't not dwell. Yes it's draining, yes it's stressful, yes I'd rather just have fun - but the truth of the matter is that's not an acceptable or responsible thing to do giving the situation. I said to her if she wanted to talk about something substantial, of course I would talk to her - otherwise, I couldn't do this.
We hugged and it was obviously different. It felt very much like she had her fill of passion and was now onto the "coping" stage and I wasn't to be a part of that. I walked away literally shaking my head almost angry. It's all just so STUPID. What people will ignore to stay comfortable...hell what people will do to supposed LOVED ones to play both sides of a coin is unbelieveable. But who knows, I could just as easily get a call from her in a couple weeks and things will be completely different. She sure has an incredible coping mechanism. And with as little time as they actually spend together - years can pass. I've said it before: I think she'll hit 29 (in about 18 months) and start to freak out. The pressure from him to have kids... She'll have no choice but to make a decision. But I have a hard time respecting someone who only deals with difficult things in life when they are shoved down their throat. If she knows she's gonna leave him - then fucking leave. If she thinks she's going to stay, tell him the truth and deal with the problems that made you have a love affair. Those are the only two viable options in my mind.

I'm actually not really hurt the way I was before. "Alaur" is a lot stronger than Laura was so I don't feel as much like I'm letting someone down. There was a lot of that with Laura being that I was her only source of strength so I haaaaaaaaaad to continue to fight for her to save her. With Alaur I'm a bit more of a spectator as I know I've shown her a different side of herself...and it simply isn't something she's ready for. I respect that and have to move on.

I am so completely ready for May at this point. Unimaginably, the 16 entries in the month are still missing two pretty big stories that are currently coming to a head. One is having a roomate in a couple weeks and the other is just more confusion added to the last two locked entries. There has never been a month even CLOSE to April 2005. Nothing even comes close. I don't know how the trip to Japan next month won't be a boring 2nd to April. LOL. My life is amazing.
And to Alaur if you're reading: I wholeheartedly meant everything I said to you and still mean it. I think what we have is outrageously rare and something you don't take lightly. Just realize that there's a reporter side to me that has to be very unemotional and point-blank about things and your actions in the end speak louder than your words. That doesn't mean you won't prove me wrong in a month, it just means that in looking at the past 4 weeks, this is what makes the most sense.
Bottom line: Fight for what you believe in, don't ever be passive. Waiting for a "moment" to hit you is basically not doing a fucking thing because you're a pussy. Fight for everything. Be pro-active. Otherwise, you are going to look up and be 32, in the same situation and wonder what ever happened to 27? What could have happened in those 5 years had you just spoken up!!!!
Scary thought huh...
PS - A Journey Song first: a straight-up cover. I didn't change one lyric. It amazed me (ha no pun intended!) how perfect the two verses were in my life at this moment. One from my perspective, and one from hers...