locked until 06.02.05 - Jess and I both write about it in entry 416
11:15 PM, Tuesday, April 26th 2005:
I’m a bit slap-happy at this point. That should explain the video. And yet another locked fucking entry.
Well my weekend in North Carolina was now officially fucked. I was in such a daze and couldn’t go 10 seconds without thinking about how fucked up everything was. Feeling bad for the wife, wanting to spit on Jess, and oh yeah – Alaur? That woman you’re so madly in love with? She’s being perfect through all this and telling the truth and dealing with her shit. Taking time to call on Friday night and being incredibly loving. Yet I had to force myself to not feel attached to her because SHE was married and we were doing the RIGHT thing by being completely separate while she works through this. Sure sucks having integrity. I avoided calling Jess all weekend and got information about stuff through the wife. It’s amazing the lies Moe is still spreading even though he KNOWS the wife and I talked.
But wait, it gets so much better. How ‘bout I tell you that there’s still more lies from Jess! I get dropped off on Monday 4 hours early for my flight and although I’ve been strong for 4 days, I knew there was no way I would not call Jess in this state of boredom. So I call, leave a message she calls back an hour later. She’s obviously crying, incredibly sad – I am stone cold at this point. I am amazed that she could lie to me continuously or make me BEG for the truth and only answer when confronted exactly? Like the Toledo thing – nothing happened…but did they kiss? Well yes. (sigh) SO MUST I RUN DOWN POSITIONS? What is your goddamn definition of “nothing”? What are you hiding? I was just sick of it. I had nothing to say. The conversation ended poorly but to be expected. I had nothing to say and was sick at the thought of her.
I then get drunk with a girl on the plane and start to feel good about shit again. Had a blast, it was very fun. Is there more to that story? Of course! But I'll give that it's own entry. Anyway, as my second plane of the day is about to take off to Burbank I call Jess and just say I was sorry for berating her, it’s accomplishing nothing. I call her when I get into Burbank and are you ready for this? She was lying to me about Toledo and another incident she swore was just platonic up and down all day Thursday and for the week previous. And did she just come clean and tell me? No I had to ask her and basically pull teeth. She just lied to my face until I asked her specifically. I was so fucking angry…GODDAMN. It’s never ending. All she could say was she was sorry and I just didn’t give a shit. I hung up last night night completely wiped out.
I talked to the wife today and found out that not only is she an avid reader, so is Moe. Of course Jess now has a renewed interest – and well I just WRITE the damn thing. My life is hitting heights of surreality that I never dreamed. But I have to say, I expect much more. So I figured I’d say hello to everyone. Maybe we can all vacation together at Disneyworld. I’ll pay for EVERYONE as long as I can tape our first dinner and post it on the site. Who wouldn’t pay to watch THAT meal?!?! I think I'm losing my mind. I actually think that would be funny as shit and I actually think I'd go through with it if I could make a DVD. I'm so twisted.
Yes, I’m dumbstruck right now. There aren’t words to describe how betrayed I feel and how badly I just want someone to be honest with me. The fact that she continued to lie AFTER I confronted her – and AFTER the email, and AFTER my call yesterday – I mean what the fuck. JUST COME CLEAN. Because everytime I have to fucking paint you into a corner – your admission then is useless. Ugh who cares. They completely deserve each other. I seriously wish this could be unlocked. This is such an incredible story. But this has to be the worst written entry ever. I’m just all over the place. I can’t remember a time when I was more lost. And I feel I’ve completely put a wedge between Alaur and I because now I’m this insanely needy person who will come off as such to her and that’s the last thing she needs. How will she ever do this...
I love this video though. I have to admit that in the years to come I’ll look back at this as one my favorite ones. Everyone thinks they’re looking in on my secret thoughts in this isolated little site and now I just look at them and say surprise – I SEE YOU. I KNOW YOU’RE WATCHING ME. HOW YA DOIN? HAVIN FUN? Wonderin’ what will happen next? Find it a little crazy that EVERYTHING you do is affecting some random website?!?!?!
Classic. It's funny, I write this entry with a "Writer" hat - so I look at the video and think:  "Oh dear, Adam really has lost his mind." Believe me, that video could have been a LOT worse.