locked until 06.02.05 - Jess and I both write about it in entry 416
1:27 AM, Friday, April 22nd 2005:
To the writer of my life, good one. Never saw this coming. And wait, I thought I controlled this thing?
So I’m sitting at work today. It’s my last day before I fly back to North Carolina for my cousin’s wedding. I believe it actually zipped through my mind: “You can finally relax and leave the drama at home”. And that’s when the wife of the married man Jessica is seeing called me.
Let that sink in a bit. There ya go.
My first reaction was to be scared but then I realized: “Hey, I didn’t do anything wrong”. In fact I take all that back, my real first reaction was: “Why is this woman so upset? What loan did I give her?”. When it finally registered I’d have given anything to see the look on my face.
Yes, how the fuck did she find me? How? Well about a week ago she caught Moe and Jess with a bit of detective work and he finally confessed. Somehow she remembered Jessica’s maiden name from 7 years ago as she had suspicions about the affair then as well. She looked up marriage records online and got the name Kontras. Googled me, and well anyone who’s done that will realize that the whole world opens up. She then found this journal, and made the “Vegas Guy” connection, and started matching up his “business trips” for times when I said Jess was seeing “Vegas Guy”. Then she went back even further finding a time in October when I mentioned interviewing for my current job… and pow. Thursday morning at 10:30 AM I get the craziest call ever.
She said: “Please don’t hang up”. And my response was: “Why the hell would I do that?” Hell I had been defending this person for months. I defended her in 1998 when Jess’s actions pissed me off then. So what transpired for the next 2 hours was story after story, and lie after lie being brought to a head. Unfortunately that meant finding out more than I really wanted to know, and in fact if true, Jess was lying to me about several things. It was so surreal. The whole conversation just struck me so hard. Someone being lied to like this coming to me for the truth... and hell the fact that “The Journey” was the key to it all. If this isn’t a sign that the site should be a pay site for people to follow, I don’t know what is.
So first thing I had to do was call Jess about these crazy stories. Apparently she met Moe BEFORE Vegas in LA? And 2 days after our “secret week” she spent the night with him in Toledo with her family? Huh? I called her and she happened to be on her way to see Moe in DC and I just confronted her head on. She said LA was a complete lie, Moe was making that up. He had this incredible story about going to dinner and then having to spend the night at Panera because keys were locked somewhere yadda yadda… But nothing happened. She said Toledo was true...but nothing happened there, it was only because it was late and they had nowhere to stay. I was so sick to my stomach. I talked with her that day and she promised me she had no feelings like that for him and that she was only having dinner – and then she takes him to meet her grandmother and spends the night in a hotel with him? And nothing happened? Huh? She was angry, turned around and proceeded to call Moe and tell him off. Whatever. I couldn’t believe she lied to me. I called the wife back and told her that LA was a lie but Toledo was true – blah blah. I was about ready to fly her to LA to just get EVERYONE back. LOL. I threatened that in one entry during the Vegas Trip. How poetic would that have been?
The phone calls lasted all day and I was beat. I got home tonight and went out with Paddy to give him all the details. I just had to tell someone how crazy this was. Called Alaur, even though we’re “not communicating” because I had to tell someone. It was just insane. LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE. I mean Moe lying to his wife, and to Jess – Jess lying to me – I mean what the fuck is the point? Must everyone play both sides of the coin? So deceived, so hurt. And that was just the beginning. I check my email around midnight after I get back from Norm’s (that's a restaurant, so many names here...) with Paddy to read this:
I was sitting here preparing myself for the
conversation with my mother, trying to be as honest
with her and with myself as possible, when I just
broke down because I have not been honest with you.
After everything you've always tried to ingrain in me,
I lied to you. Not that it's any excuse, but I was in
such a strange time in my life and I made the wrong
choices. I know that if I ever expect to have any kind
of relationship with you, even in friendship, that I
must tell you this. I'm so sorry and I'm pretty sure I
know what this means for us.
I have never been unfaithful to you and everything
that I told you about my relationship with Moe is true
up until the end of January. That is when the
confusion of our situation got the best of me and when
I began this terrible path of dishonesty. I had dinner
with Moe on Jan. 31st. We did get locked out of our
cars and went up to my store until morning, so that he
could go back down to get his in the morning. I had to
open in the morning, so I knew I should go straight
there. (I swore up and down to you today on the phone
that I didn't, but I am quite ashamed to say that I
held back because I wasn't ready for the conversation.
Completely selfish, again, I know.) I then proceeded
to go overnight with him to Santa Barbara the next
day. I had sex with him that night and that is the
night I refer to when I say that I cried the whole
time because it hurt to be with someone other than
you. I knew we were through and I was trying to move
on, even if he wasn't the proper choice.
So Vegas was the second trip for us. I don't know
what led me to deceive you like this. Except that it
was uncharted territory and I didn't know how to
behave in that situation. Looking back, behaving
honestly seems like the right and intrinsic thing to
do. When you came to me that night at Chevy's and
told me about your "experience," I began to tell you.
I guess I didn't really expect you to look so hurt
when I began telling you, after what you had just told
me. I got scared and I only told you about what was
going to happen, not what had already happened.
In hindsight, I know I would have saved you a lot of
undue stress and heartache had I told you that then,
and I will never forgive myself for that. I guess I
assumed you wouldn't talk to me ever again if I went
through with Vegas, (just as I'm thinking that writing
this to you now,) and that, in the end, what did the
dates mean? We were through, and I didn't see a
relationship for us in the future.
I wasn't lying when I told you that I really thought
I was saving you from falling back into the trap of
"us" when I went to Vegas. I thought you were just
jealous and I didn't want us to backtrack and ever
have to go through what we went through the 6 months
previous to that. I'm sorry that after all this, I was
still able to be jealous enough to spin your world
around when I found out about Alaur.
Adam, I am not at all proud of how I've acted with
you these last few months and the information I've
withheld. I can only compare it to you having "locked"
entries - a mass of concealed information so as not to
hurt my feelings. Though I can't justify it as you
can, since I said I didn't want to know, that's the
only thing I can liken it to and pray that it makes
some sense to you. I know that I have hurt you and for
that I am deeply sorry.
Incidentally, while I was writing this, my mom came
in and I told her everything. I know you never thought
I would, but I guess I've decided it was time to face
the consequences of my actions. And yes,.I told her
everything. If I missed anything in the conversation,
it was out of pure overwhelment with all I had to
tell. I no longer contain the secrets I once did,
and I thank you, with all sincerity, for helping me
find the courage to do it. I hope you can appreciate
the courage it took for this letter, though I'm sure
you're very angry and hurt. I never wanted to hurt
you, Adam. On the contrary, I hoped I could protect
I love you. And again, I apologize.
Nothing I could write can compete with the power of that. Sit with that for a few days.