- 1:27 AM, Friday,
April 22nd 2005:
-
- To the writer of
my life, good one. Never saw this coming. And wait,
I thought I controlled this
thing?
-
- So I’m
sitting at work today. It’s my last day before I
fly back to North Carolina for my cousin’s
wedding. I believe it actually zipped through my mind:
“You can finally relax and leave the drama at
home”. And that’s when the wife of the
married man Jessica is seeing called me.
-
- Let that sink in a
bit. There ya go.
-
- My first reaction
was to be scared but then I realized: “Hey, I
didn’t do anything wrong”. In fact I take
all that back, my real first reaction was: “Why
is this woman so upset? What loan did I give
her?”. When it finally registered I’d have
given anything to see the look on my face.
-
- Yes, how the fuck
did she find me? How? Well about a week ago she caught
Moe and Jess with a bit of detective work and he
finally confessed. Somehow she remembered
Jessica’s maiden name from 7 years ago as she had
suspicions about the affair then as well. She looked
up marriage records online and got the name Kontras.
Googled me, and well anyone who’s done that will
realize that the whole world opens up. She then found
this journal, and made the “Vegas Guy”
connection, and started matching up his “business
trips” for times when I said Jess was seeing
“Vegas Guy”. Then she went back even further
finding a time in October when I mentioned
interviewing for my current job… and pow.
Thursday morning at 10:30 AM I get the craziest call
ever.
-
- She said:
“Please don’t hang up”. And my response
was: “Why the hell would I do that?” Hell I
had been defending this person for months. I defended
her in 1998 when Jess’s actions pissed me off
then. So what transpired for the next 2 hours was
story after story, and lie after lie being brought to
a head. Unfortunately that meant finding out more than
I really wanted to know, and in fact if true, Jess was
lying to me about several things. It was so surreal.
The whole conversation just struck me so hard. Someone
being lied to like this coming to me for the truth...
and hell the fact that “The Journey” was the
key to it all. If this isn’t a sign that the site
should be a pay site for people to follow, I
don’t know what is.
-
- So first thing I
had to do was call Jess about these crazy stories.
Apparently she met Moe BEFORE Vegas in LA? And 2 days
after our “secret week” she spent the night
with him in Toledo with her family? Huh? I called her
and she happened to be on her way to see Moe in DC and
I just confronted her head on. She said LA was a
complete lie, Moe was making that up. He had this
incredible story about going to dinner and then having
to spend the night at Panera because keys were locked
somewhere yadda yadda… But nothing happened. She
said Toledo was true...but nothing happened there, it
was only because it was late and they had nowhere to
stay. I was so sick to my stomach. I talked with her
that day and she promised me she had no feelings like
that for him and that she was only having dinner
– and then she takes him to meet her grandmother
and spends the night in a hotel with him? And nothing
happened? Huh? She was angry, turned around and
proceeded to call Moe and tell him off. Whatever. I
couldn’t believe she lied to me. I called the
wife back and told her that LA was a lie but Toledo
was true – blah blah. I was about ready to fly
her to LA to just get EVERYONE back. LOL. I threatened
that in one entry during the Vegas Trip. How poetic
would that have been?
-
- The phone calls
lasted all day and I was beat. I got home tonight and
went out with Paddy to give him all the details. I
just had to tell someone how crazy this was. Called
Alaur, even though we’re “not
communicating” because I had to tell someone. It
was just insane. LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE. I mean Moe
lying to his wife, and to Jess – Jess lying to me
– I mean what the fuck is the point? Must
everyone play both sides of the coin? So deceived, so
hurt. And that was just the beginning. I check my
email around midnight after I get back from
Norm’s (that's a restaurant, so many names
here...) with Paddy to read this:
-
- Adam,
-
- I was
sitting here preparing myself for
the
- conversation
with my mother, trying to be as
honest
- with her and
with myself as possible, when I
just
- broke down
because I have not been honest with
you.
- After
everything you've always tried to ingrain in
me,
- I lied to
you. Not that it's any excuse, but I was
in
- such a
strange time in my life and I made the
wrong
- choices. I
know that if I ever expect to have any
kind
- of
relationship with you, even in friendship, that
I
- must tell
you this. I'm so sorry and I'm pretty sure
I
- know what
this means for us.
-
- I have never
been unfaithful to you and
everything
- that I told
you about my relationship with Moe is
true
- up until the
end of January. That is when the
- confusion of
our situation got the best of me and
when
- I began this
terrible path of dishonesty. I had
dinner
- with Moe on
Jan. 31st. We did get locked out of
our
- cars and
went up to my store until morning, so that
he
- could go
back down to get his in the morning. I had
to
- open in the
morning, so I knew I should go
straight
- there. (I
swore up and down to you today on the
phone
- that I
didn't, but I am quite ashamed to say that
I
- held back
because I wasn't ready for the
conversation.
- Completely
selfish, again, I know.) I then
proceeded
- to go
overnight with him to Santa Barbara the
next
- day. I had
sex with him that night and that is
the
- night I
refer to when I say that I cried the
whole
- time because
it hurt to be with someone other
than
- you. I knew
we were through and I was trying to
move
- on, even if
he wasn't the proper choice.
-
- So Vegas was
the second trip for us. I don't
know
- what led me
to deceive you like this. Except that
it
- was
uncharted territory and I didn't know how
to
- behave in
that situation. Looking back,
behaving
- honestly
seems like the right and intrinsic thing
to
- do. When you
came to me that night at Chevy's
and
- told me
about your "experience," I began to tell
you.
- I guess I
didn't really expect you to look so
hurt
- when I began
telling you, after what you had just
told
- me. I got
scared and I only told you about what
was
- going to
happen, not what had already happened.
- In
hindsight, I know I would have saved you a lot
of
- undue stress
and heartache had I told you that
then,
- and I will
never forgive myself for that. I guess
I
- assumed you
wouldn't talk to me ever again if I
went
- through with
Vegas, (just as I'm thinking that
writing
- this to you
now,) and that, in the end, what did
the
- dates mean?
We were through, and I didn't see a
- relationship
for us in the future.
-
- I wasn't
lying when I told you that I really
thought
- I was saving
you from falling back into the trap
of
- "us" when I
went to Vegas. I thought you were
just
- jealous and
I didn't want us to backtrack and
ever
- have to go
through what we went through the 6
months
- previous to
that. I'm sorry that after all this, I
was
- still able
to be jealous enough to spin your
world
- around when
I found out about Alaur.
-
- Adam, I am
not at all proud of how I've acted
with
- you these
last few months and the information
I've
- withheld. I
can only compare it to you having
"locked"
- entries - a
mass of concealed information so as not
to
- hurt my
feelings. Though I can't justify it as
you
- can, since I
said I didn't want to know, that's
the
- only thing I
can liken it to and pray that it
makes
- some sense
to you. I know that I have hurt you and
for
- that I am
deeply sorry.
-
- Incidentally,
while I was writing this, my mom
came
- in and I
told her everything. I know you never
thought
- I would, but
I guess I've decided it was time to
face
- the
consequences of my actions. And yes,.I told
her
- everything.
If I missed anything in the
conversation,
- it was out
of pure overwhelment with all I had
to
- tell. I no
longer contain the secrets I once
did,
- and I thank
you, with all sincerity, for helping
me
- find the
courage to do it. I hope you can
appreciate
- the courage
it took for this letter, though I'm
sure
- you're very
angry and hurt. I never wanted to
hurt
- you, Adam.
On the contrary, I hoped I could
protect
- you.
-
- I love you.
And again, I apologize.
-
- -Jess
-
- Nothing I could
write can compete with the power of that. Sit with
that for a few days.
-
- Adam
|
