4:12 PM, Sunday, April 17th 2005:
...I started to get excited. I was no longer dreaming, I was planning. I control the journey. I CONTROL THE JOURNEY. This collection of stories and songs and movies, that even I have become a fan of looking through - I control it. I don't have to just be a reporter. I can move mountains in respect to this journey. All I need is a laptop, a camera and access to the most amazing invention in the history of the world:  the internet. I mean - that is what my past 5 years have really been! 4tvs, yes - that was the subplot, but in reaching for those stars something more extraordinary happened. I chronicled like no one has ever chronicled, exactly what it feels like to sacrifice seemeingly everything to follow your heart. Within that journey is music, videos - inspiration... and most of all HONESTY. Complete honesty. When it hurts I cry and I say it. And show it for fuck's sake. This collection of words, music and video is as special to me as anything I've ever created - and I want to make it even more amazing.
What I need is the ability to create and soar in an environment that doesn't have a ceiling with fans over every inch clipping every thought I have before I can see them through. Columbus screams that. LA and NY doesn't. Strangely, Tokyo doesn't. All of Europe doesn't. So what the fuck is that? And it finally hit me. The environment inspires me. LA inspires me, not because of the beauty of this god awful city - but because of the potential it screams. Tokyo and every other strange country inspires me because it's so goddamn foreign. I want to see what happens to this Adam character when he gets his hopes dashed in LA, loses his wife - and says fuck it all: I'm selling my house and moving to another country. Why? To see what type of songs I write. To see what type of movies I make. To just... see.
So somehow in the midst of a morning where I was preparing this rebuttal of someone else's dreams I...agreed. The thought of the journey all over the world capturing every feeling and passion through the eyes of this FREAK OF NATURE who feels the need (and has the discipline) to write and document EVERY GODDAMN aspect... was exciting. That is my stamp. In fact, that is what could very well become how I'm known... for being me. What if? What if I made access to the journey $4.99 a month and then advertised it. What if word of mouth spread? What if it imspired people to be OPEN? To just feel? To lead with their heart? And I mean no offense to other BLOGs out there but they fuckin' suck. Who could ever read them? Endless words, page after page - no one puts any work into it. No structure. No pictures, videos, nothing. I mean I know I'm long winded but at least there's a video when I get boring. What if that got as popular as people watching a sitcom on UPN? Who's to say I can't get known just by how I live my life?
Is this because of a woman? Trying to rationalize someone else's dreams? It is. But the difference here is, in trying to shed light on her dreams I just held a mirror up to mine. She was the catalyst to hold up the mirror, not the reason for what I was seeing. I will thank her forever for showing me the hypocrisy of what I felt, when my whole life was SCREAMING for me to live. Out of love I was truly going to get her to see a compromise and somehow without her saying a WORD - I wrote my own history.
So what the fuck am I saying? I'm selling the house. I'm gonna make as much money as humanly possible this year and then put my shit in storage and go. Just... go. Where? I have no idea. But I will chronicle it all, and will create music and art everywhere I am. It may start in Tokyo. Just talked to Darrick who said you can get a job teaching english there without knowing Japanese. Sounds crazy as fuck to me - but why the hell not? As I said, give me access to the internet, allow me the ability to share my words, feelings, songs - ALL that... and I'm happy. After the sale of the house, even with the split from Jess, and the money from this job - I could have $150,000 in savings by the end of the year and that is freedom. That is the start of an adventure. And goddamnit some of the recent songs have fuckin' ruled - and I want to write some a capella song on a mountain top in some distant land and have a million people feel what it's like to LIVE. To stop the mundane and take control.
Logistics son. What, the fuck. Well I'll throw it down with some logic. Y'all know I can do that. The housing market out here is at a crazy state. Interest rates are rising, and those amazing profits of the past year on homes are not only leveling off, in some cases they're starting dip. You will get the most if you sell right now. Now if I were an entrepreneur...I would rent for about a year and sit on the profit and chill until the foreclosures happen in the next 1-2 years and scoop in like a hawk with my profits. Not my style really, but the option is there if I need it. It's boring reading though, and it sure as fuck ain't me.
So there is some logic behind selling. Throwing all my stuff in storage and being a vagabond - well there's little logic in that. Well I take that back. The readers of this site whose names don't end in Kontras are all for it. I guarantee there's people at home thinking: "FUCKIN COOL. This is gonna get interesting." Conversely, most of you think I need therapy. LOL. I just want to live while I can. If I didn't have a dime to my name, you'd have a right to freak out. Somehow, I have a lot of dimes. I'll be fine.
You all have to be going nuts over the locked entries, and I can offer little solace. As if something locked away is a clue to my madness right now. To have these two entries unlocked back to back pretty much upending my entire life has got to be puzzling to say the least. Honestly, I just saw the world through someone else's eyes and all the logic on the planet couldn't hide the beauty, passion and absolute intrigue of the vision.
"See the road ahead and make it yours."
You know, if you wait long enough, your own lyrics can inspire you. It takes about 10 years.