- 4:12 PM, Sunday,
April 17th 2005:
- ...I started to
get excited. I was no longer dreaming, I was
planning. I control the journey.
I CONTROL THE JOURNEY. This collection
of stories and songs and movies, that even I have
become a fan of looking through - I control it. I
don't have to just be a reporter. I can move
mountains in respect to this journey. All I need
is a laptop, a camera and access to the most amazing
invention in the history of the world: the
internet. I mean - that is what my past 5 years
have really been! 4tvs, yes - that was the subplot,
but in reaching for those stars something more
extraordinary happened. I chronicled like no one
has ever chronicled, exactly what it feels like to
sacrifice seemeingly everything to follow your heart.
Within that journey is music, videos - inspiration...
and most of all HONESTY. Complete honesty. When it
hurts I cry and I say it. And show it for fuck's sake.
This collection of words, music and video is as
special to me as anything I've ever created - and
I want to make it even more amazing.
- What I need
is the ability to create and soar in an environment
that doesn't have a ceiling with fans over every inch
clipping every thought I have before I can
see them through. Columbus screams that. LA and NY
doesn't. Strangely, Tokyo doesn't. All of Europe
doesn't. So what the fuck is that? And it finally hit
me. The environment inspires me. LA inspires me, not
because of the beauty of this god awful city -
but because of the potential it screams. Tokyo and
every other strange country inspires me because it's
so goddamn foreign. I want to see what happens to
this Adam character when he gets his hopes dashed in
LA, loses his wife - and says fuck it all: I'm selling
my house and moving to another country. Why? To see
what type of songs I write. To see what type of movies
I make. To just... see.
- So somehow in the
midst of a morning where I was preparing this
rebuttal of someone else's dreams I...agreed. The
thought of the journey all over the world capturing
every feeling and passion through the eyes of this
FREAK OF NATURE who feels the need (and
has the discipline) to write and document
EVERY GODDAMN aspect... was exciting. That
is my stamp. In fact, that is what could very well
become how I'm known... for being me. What if? What if
I made access to the journey $4.99 a month and then
advertised it. What if word of mouth spread? What if
it imspired people to be OPEN? To just feel? To lead
with their heart? And I mean no offense to other BLOGs
out there but they fuckin' suck. Who could ever read
them? Endless words, page after page - no one puts any
work into it. No structure. No pictures, videos,
nothing. I mean I know I'm long winded but
at least there's a video when I get boring. What
if that got as popular as people watching a
sitcom on UPN? Who's to say I can't get known just by
how I live my life?
- Is this because of
a woman? Trying to rationalize someone else's dreams?
It is. But the difference here is, in trying to shed
light on her dreams I just held a mirror up to
mine. She was the catalyst to hold up the mirror, not
the reason for what I was seeing. I will
thank her forever for showing me the hypocrisy of what
I felt, when my whole life was SCREAMING for
me to live. Out of love I was truly going to get
her to see a compromise and somehow without her saying
a WORD - I wrote my own history.
- So what the fuck
am I saying? I'm selling the house. I'm gonna
make as much money as humanly possible this year and
then put my shit in storage and go. Just... go. Where?
I have no idea. But I will chronicle it all,
and will create music and art everywhere I am. It
may start in Tokyo. Just talked to Darrick who said
you can get a job teaching english there without
knowing Japanese. Sounds crazy as fuck to me - but why
the hell not? As I said, give me access to the
internet, allow me the ability to share my words,
feelings, songs - ALL that... and I'm happy.
After the sale of the house, even with the split from
Jess, and the money from this job - I could have
$150,000 in savings by the end of the year and that is
freedom. That is the start of an adventure. And
goddamnit some of the recent songs have fuckin' ruled
- and I want to write some a capella song on a
mountain top in some distant land and have a million
people feel what it's like to LIVE. To stop the
mundane and take control.
- Logistics son.
What, the fuck. Well I'll throw it down with some
logic. Y'all know I can do that. The housing market
out here is at a crazy state. Interest rates are
rising, and those amazing profits of the past year on
homes are not only leveling off, in some cases they're
starting dip. You will get the most if you sell right
now. Now if I were an entrepreneur...I would
rent for about a year and sit on the profit and chill
until the foreclosures happen in the next 1-2 years
and scoop in like a hawk with my profits. Not my style
really, but the option is there if I need it.
It's boring reading though, and it sure as fuck ain't
- So there is some
logic behind selling. Throwing all my stuff in storage
and being a vagabond - well there's little logic in
that. Well I take that back. The readers of this
site whose names don't end in Kontras are all for it.
I guarantee there's people at home thinking:
"FUCKIN COOL. This is gonna get interesting."
Conversely, most of you think I need therapy.
LOL. I just want to live while I can. If
I didn't have a dime to my name, you'd have a
right to freak out. Somehow, I have a lot of
dimes. I'll be fine.
- You all have to be
going nuts over the locked entries, and I can
offer little solace. As if something locked away is a
clue to my madness right now. To have these two
entries unlocked back to back pretty much upending my
entire life has got to be puzzling to say the least.
Honestly, I just saw the world through someone
else's eyes and all the logic on the planet couldn't
hide the beauty, passion and absolute intrigue of the
the road ahead and make it yours."
- You know, if you
wait long enough, your own lyrics can inspire you. It
takes about 10 years.