Adam Kontras.com - The Catalyst To...





10:37 PM, Saturday, April 16th 2005: A white coffee mug with old, black coffee. The absolute world on my shoulders. "Mr. Telephone Man" from New Edition playing behind me on the "oldies" station at Denny's. It runs through my mind how stupid it is they started the 80s flashback shit too premature until I realize... this song is 21 years old. I played this tape so much when I was... well 8 years old. I was watching myslef closely as I sipped the coffee. I had just gotten out of a parked car where I tried so valiantly to predict a situation. I felt I had been there before, and was going to distance myself from the heartache of going through it again. Within seconds it was quite obvious that this was not the same person who had hurt me although the situation was nearly identical. I wasn't going anywhere. Of course by staying on the roller coaster I had pretty much stamped my ticket for more stress than my body could possibly continue to handle. After what had happened to Jess and me just weeks before, and the entire year previous, this was truly starting to effect me. As I got out of her car I just hunched over the top of my driver's side door. I could feel weight. I had nowhere to be and coffee at Denny's seemed as reasonable as anywhere. Dressed up in my normal work attire I was immediately aware of the fact that I was a man with man's problems. I was playing the part of a business man months from 30, drinking coffee at a diner, listening to oldies music and thinking of my childhood. I remember trying to memorize the words to New Edition songs and that being my only focus. If only I didn't have to do homework I thought! Think of all that I could do if it wasn't for that! I'll refrain from the next line about how my problems were harder. Honestly, all problems are relative and you should never belittle anyone for age. Of course shit gets harder, but stress is all relative and at 8, homework sucked. But yeah, I wanted stress homework instead. My life had recently been so wrought with irony, drama and absolute insanity that my shoulders actually hurt. I was just exhausted. My life has always had a flair for the dramatic, but recent events were pushing things to an almost unbelieveable end. I wanted so badly to be smooth. I wanted so badly after putting Jess on that plane two weeks previous to just sit back, and allow myself to relax. The rollercoaster was finally ending. Little did I know 48 hours later, in an admittedly exhausted emotional state - I would be forced to be stronger than before and fuck, even that's a title of one of my CDs. Why do I have to write and produce so much? Ever word I utter lately seems to be directly from a song. That's what lead me to sipping on this coffee on a Friday night. It wouldn't be long until I took a call from Jess that would continue the intimate relationship I had with heartache. As a wise man once said: "When you lead with your heart, you gotta know..." The following morning I prepared myself for the meeting with her that would really get to the bottom of her future goals. This woman had to see the irresponsibility of her ideas of living like a "gypsy" all over the world just to experience some other "culture". I felt that a compromise was in order. So I went through the conversation in my mind. I could easily do both sides of this discussion with the connection we had... I was going to express why I was willing to move to a city, only if it was an artistic mecca. But not for months or whatever... it would have to be a legitimate stay. I didn't want to be a gypsy roaming the earth, I wanted the stability to raise a family in. And I had to be in a place where my goals and dreams could be met. And then it just hit me after saying that for 5 years. What. are. my. goals. Why am I OK going to New York, but not Columbus? What am I going to "pull off" in New York? It represents the same thing LA does, just colder. SO WHAT DO I WANT?! I was so sick of answering this question and yet I was going to sit down with her and "compromise"? And like a slap to the face, pieces fell from the sky and started twisting and turning as if my life was a giant Lumines game (sorry Tetris, you've been replaced), yet now I was controlling it. Was this fate? Was this the moment? Was some absolute chance meeting 48 hours after letting Jessica fly back "home" actually going to change my life? Was I about to define my purpose and start the real Journey all within a matter of seconds? I was... Adam

10:37 PM, Saturday, April 16th 2005: A white coffee mug with old, black coffee. The absolute world on my shoulders. "Mr. Telephone Man" from New Edition playing behind me on the "oldies" station at Denny's. It runs through my mind how stupid it is they started the 80s flashback shit too premature until I realize... this song is 21 years old. I played this tape so much when I was... well 8 years old. I was watching myslef closely as I sipped the coffee. I had just gotten out of a parked car where I tried so valiantly to predict a situation. I felt I had been there before, and was going to distance myself from the heartache of going through it again. Within seconds it was quite obvious that this was not the same person who had hurt me although the situation was nearly identical. I wasn't going anywhere. Of course by staying on the roller coaster I had pretty much stamped my ticket for more stress than my body could possibly continue to handle. After what had happened to Jess and me just weeks before, and the entire year previous, this was truly starting to effect me. As I got out of her car I just hunched over the top of my driver's side door. I could feel weight. I had nowhere to be and coffee at Denny's seemed as reasonable as anywhere. Dressed up in my normal work attire I was immediately aware of the fact that I was a man with man's problems. I was playing the part of a business man months from 30, drinking coffee at a diner, listening to oldies music and thinking of my childhood. I remember trying to memorize the words to New Edition songs and that being my only focus. If only I didn't have to do homework I thought! Think of all that I could do if it wasn't for that! I'll refrain from the next line about how my problems were harder. Honestly, all problems are relative and you should never belittle anyone for age. Of course shit gets harder, but stress is all relative and at 8, homework sucked. But yeah, I wanted stress homework instead. My life had recently been so wrought with irony, drama and absolute insanity that my shoulders actually hurt. I was just exhausted. My life has always had a flair for the dramatic, but recent events were pushing things to an almost unbelieveable end. I wanted so badly to be smooth. I wanted so badly after putting Jess on that plane two weeks previous to just sit back, and allow myself to relax. The rollercoaster was finally ending. Little did I know 48 hours later, in an admittedly exhausted emotional state - I would be forced to be stronger than before and fuck, even that's a title of one of my CDs. Why do I have to write and produce so much? Ever word I utter lately seems to be directly from a song. That's what lead me to sipping on this coffee on a Friday night. It wouldn't be long until I took a call from Jess that would continue the intimate relationship I had with heartache. As a wise man once said: "When you lead with your heart, you gotta know..." The following morning I prepared myself for the meeting with her that would really get to the bottom of her future goals. This woman had to see the irresponsibility of her ideas of living like a "gypsy" all over the world just to experience some other "culture". I felt that a compromise was in order. So I went through the conversation in my mind. I could easily do both sides of this discussion with the connection we had... I was going to express why I was willing to move to a city, only if it was an artistic mecca. But not for months or whatever... it would have to be a legitimate stay. I didn't want to be a gypsy roaming the earth, I wanted the stability to raise a family in. And I had to be in a place where my goals and dreams could be met. And then it just hit me after saying that for 5 years. What. are. my. goals. Why am I OK going to New York, but not Columbus? What am I going to "pull off" in New York? It represents the same thing LA does, just colder. SO WHAT DO I WANT?! I was so sick of answering this question and yet I was going to sit down with her and "compromise"? And like a slap to the face, pieces fell from the sky and started twisting and turning as if my life was a giant Lumines game (sorry Tetris, you've been replaced), yet now I was controlling it. Was this fate? Was this the moment? Was some absolute chance meeting 48 hours after letting Jessica fly back "home" actually going to change my life? Was I about to define my purpose and start the real Journey all within a matter of seconds? I was... Adam