Palauragain: good morning

 

7 minutes later…

 

Palauragain: <just want to say...sorry if I freaked you out with my thoughts yesterday>

 

24 minutes later…

 

AdamBeWorkin: ...

 

7 minutes later…

 

Palauragain: I know u probably dont have much to say to me now...

 

5 minutes later…

 

AdamBeWorkin: you certainly took control of the situation

AdamBeWorkin: and knew the effect you would have

AdamBeWorkin: when you ended things last night

Palauragain: ??

Palauragain: ended things?

AdamBeWorkin: the conversation

Palauragain: I had to go...

Palauragain: u werent responding

Palauragain: u seemed freaked

AdamBeWorkin: would you like to read it?

AdamBeWorkin: I was responding

AdamBeWorkin: and you ignored it and kept going

AdamBeWorkin: you knew exactly how i would react Alaur...

Palauragain: at the fact that I told you...

Palauragain: I dont want to live in LA all my life?

Palauragain: well, it's true...

Palauragain: and maybe it

Palauragain: s best

Palauragain: we figure this shit out about each other sooner than later...

AdamBeWorkin: i was agreeing with you on that

AdamBeWorkin: i think you're just trying to find some drastic reason

Palauragain: it's not 'drastic'

AdamBeWorkin: for this not to work, so you don't have to confront anything

Palauragain: you didnt seem to agree

Palauragain: on what I had to say...

AdamBeWorkin: i said New York...

AdamBeWorkin: but all you said was living like a gypsy

Palauragain: and eventually..I will confront the sitaution with my husband...

Palauragain: because he doesnt want a life like that either

AdamBeWorkin: not including me either

AdamBeWorkin: it was a "solo" dream

Palauragain: apparently so...

Palauragain: I have met one person in my life

Palauragain: who would follow that dream with me...

AdamBeWorkin: lol

Palauragain: unfortunatley, we have no physical passion

Palauragain: but we are friends

Palauragain: and as I have learned, u cant have it all...

AdamBeWorkin: I pray you can find happiness with your choices Alaur

AdamBeWorkin: but the inconsideration you showed last night

AdamBeWorkin: was too much

AdamBeWorkin: to leave it like that

Palauragain: sorry u feel that way

AdamBeWorkin: knowing I was bombarded

AdamBeWorkin: and completely taken off-guard

AdamBeWorkin: you made your choice

AdamBeWorkin: you made your life simple again

AdamBeWorkin: and not because we aren't right for each other

AdamBeWorkin: but because you can't face that

AdamBeWorkin: it's easier to find a hole

AdamBeWorkin: and if you thought all we had was physical passion

AdamBeWorkin: then I was apparently way off base

Palauragain: you showed me that I could have a deep connection with someone...

Palauragain: but maybe we really dont have enough in common...

Palauragain: to ever maintain a relationship

AdamBeWorkin: because you want to be a gypsy?

AdamBeWorkin: lol

AdamBeWorkin: although i won't stay in LA all my life

Palauragain: because I want more out of my life...

AdamBeWorkin: i want my kids to have some stability

AdamBeWorkin: yes

Palauragain: than the typical day to day living

AdamBeWorkin: i dont want them to be dragged all over the world

AdamBeWorkin: before I have kids?

AdamBeWorkin: of course

AdamBeWorkin: why do you think i'm going to Japan

AdamBeWorkin: and Greece

AdamBeWorkin: but you're actually saying

AdamBeWorkin: even though you said you wanted a family in LA

AdamBeWorkin: that you want to have that family all over the world

AdamBeWorkin: and you're willing to break the only true connection you've ever felt

AdamBeWorkin: because of that?

Palauragain: I want to raise my children in a world...

Palauragain: of morals, family and love

Palauragain: people in LA dont live that way

AdamBeWorkin: check check and check

Palauragain: people in this country really dont

AdamBeWorkin: i agree wholeheartedly

Palauragain: and it saddend me

AdamBeWorkin: yet somehow we have morals

AdamBeWorkin: and love

Palauragain: our priorities in this country are screwed

Palauragain: and children get caught up in it

AdamBeWorkin: if the parents are part of it

AdamBeWorkin: of course

AdamBeWorkin: but when you have a connection with someone

AdamBeWorkin: it overcomes that

Palauragain: let me ask you..

Palauragain: where do u see yourself in 5 yrs?

in 10?

AdamBeWorkin: i want a family in 5 years

AdamBeWorkin: i want to continue following my dreams

AdamBeWorkin: i've even toyed with living in Japan

AdamBeWorkin: i'm completely open to moving to different places

AdamBeWorkin: they just have to have some artistic scene

AdamBeWorkin: new york

AdamBeWorkin: parts of europe

AdamBeWorkin: tokyo

AdamBeWorkin: the world is exciting

Palauragain: it is

Palauragain: and I don't want to feel

Palauragain: as though I've 'missed out' on anything in life...

Palauragain: time is the only thing in this world you can never get back

Palauragain: I don't want to look back one day, when I am old and gray

AdamBeWorkin: then you're probably better off never having kids Alaur

Palauragain: and say "I wish I would have...."

AdamBeWorkin: but then you'll have that what-if

Palauragain: my kids will be a part of what I do

Palauragain: whether it's living here in LA for the next 10 yrs

Palauragain: or picking up and moving to Greece

AdamBeWorkin: right

AdamBeWorkin: so what's our problem again?

Palauragain: (sigh)

Palauragain: I don't know

Palauragain: I just want to see...

Palauragain: how close to being on the same page as me

Palauragain: you are

AdamBeWorkin: love is #1

AdamBeWorkin: creating a family in love is #1

AdamBeWorkin: those connections mean everything

AdamBeWorkin: period

AdamBeWorkin: then there's the next layer

AdamBeWorkin: of all the dreams we have individually

AdamBeWorkin: i will not sacrifice #1 for that dream

AdamBeWorkin: read any of a select group of entries

AdamBeWorkin: and you'll know

AdamBeWorkin: i fucking HATE LA

AdamBeWorkin: i've always HATED LA...

AdamBeWorkin: right now however - it's where i can pursue things

AdamBeWorkin: but for me, there's so many artistic cities

AdamBeWorkin: that I could FLOURISH in

AdamBeWorkin: that I'm willing to go anywhere

AdamBeWorkin: and out of this COUNTRY

AdamBeWorkin: is pretty goddamn attractive to me

AdamBeWorkin: but first and foremost is finding someone I am connected to

Palauragain: of course

AdamBeWorkin: to share that with

Palauragain: because I dont want to go on this journey thru life on my own

AdamBeWorkin: well you are now

Palauragain: it would be so much more spectacualr to share it with someone...

Palauragain: I know I am now

Palauragain: but this wont go on forever

Palauragain: I dont want to waste another second of my time...

AdamBeWorkin: my problem with the last conversation

Palauragain: go on..

AdamBeWorkin: was not what you said as much as how you seemingly cared LESS about how that made me feel

AdamBeWorkin: how that effected my night

AdamBeWorkin: how that effected my day

AdamBeWorkin: it was sooooo flippant

AdamBeWorkin: and...immature

AdamBeWorkin: and just completely disregarding of my feelings

AdamBeWorkin: a phone call...something

AdamBeWorkin: anything

AdamBeWorkin: nope

AdamBeWorkin: but as you see - if you were to give me more than 30 seconds... we're more in tune than you think

Palauragain: perhaps...

Palauragain: and immature?

AdamBeWorkin: ?

Palauragain: not looking out for your feelings?

AdamBeWorkin: i kept IMing you during that saying

AdamBeWorkin: what?

AdamBeWorkin: ...

AdamBeWorkin: i'm confused

AdamBeWorkin: where is this coming from

AdamBeWorkin: and you just kept reeling things off

Palauragain: I felt the need to express myself

AdamBeWorkin: and then cut off

AdamBeWorkin: didn't call me

Palauragain: not trying to 'reel' things off

AdamBeWorkin: that's fine - if I'm a friend

AdamBeWorkin: or just some guy

Palauragain: I was on the phone

Palauragain: with my mom

Palauragain: the entire way home last night

AdamBeWorkin: but you know how fragile this whole situation is

Palauragain: talking

Palauragain: about 'stuff'

AdamBeWorkin: you want to conitnue?

AdamBeWorkin: or should i...

Palauragain: go on...

AdamBeWorkin: i assume you were asking why i thought your actions were disregarding of my feelings

AdamBeWorkin: and i was expressing that you knew what you were doing by reeling all that off

AdamBeWorkin: right before you were about to go

AdamBeWorkin: reading that I was stunned

AdamBeWorkin: and then signing off and never saying another word to me all night

AdamBeWorkin: that's inconsiderate

AdamBeWorkin: period

Palauragain: adam

Palauragain: I had to go...

AdamBeWorkin: right

Palauragain: then I went to the gym

Palauragain: then I drove home

AdamBeWorkin: babe

AdamBeWorkin: if it was important

Palauragain: and the entire time

AdamBeWorkin: you would have contacted me

Palauragain: on the road

Palauragain: I spoke to my mom

Palauragain: which is something I should have done

AdamBeWorkin: i believe you spoke to your mom

Palauragain: a week ago

Palauragain: she had alot to say

AdamBeWorkin: i couldn't agree more

Palauragain: about everything

Palauragain: then I got home

AdamBeWorkin: again - you have legitimate excuses

AdamBeWorkin: had i done the same with you and signed off

AdamBeWorkin: it would have given me a sick feeling in my stomach

AdamBeWorkin: and before i went to the gym

AdamBeWorkin: or before i got out of the car

AdamBeWorkin: or somewhere

AdamBeWorkin: i would have made it a point to say: "Jesus, sorry about going off... I just had to say that"

AdamBeWorkin: or even this MORNING

AdamBeWorkin: on your drive in

AdamBeWorkin: something

AdamBeWorkin: to show that you were aware of what a slap that was

AdamBeWorkin: but nothing

Palauragain: you suggested 'time'

Palauragain: and 'less contact'

AdamBeWorkin: and then you contacted me!

Palauragain: I am giving that to you

AdamBeWorkin: ?

Palauragain: yes over IM

Palauragain: but "LESS"

AdamBeWorkin: you can defend your actions to the death Alaur

AdamBeWorkin: i will always feel that was inconsiderate of my feelings period

AdamBeWorkin: so it must be in my head

AdamBeWorkin: i need to grow up a bit

AdamBeWorkin: and not be so thin skinned

Palauragain: i'm not getting defensive

Palauragain: sorry if I made u feel that way

Palauragain: i'm not making excuses for my actions

AdamBeWorkin: no, you're not

AdamBeWorkin: you wanted that

AdamBeWorkin: because you knew that was a test for me

Palauragain: i'm just letting you know things...

AdamBeWorkin: you knew that would make me pissed

AdamBeWorkin: again - not what you said... but how you said it

AdamBeWorkin: you're doubting usa

AdamBeWorkin: usa - lol good typo

AdamBeWorkin: *us

AdamBeWorkin: not me

AdamBeWorkin: you there?

Palauragain: yes...

AdamBeWorkin: what are you thinking...

Palauragain: it wasn't meant to sound so...., so...<whats the word i'm looking for>

Palauragain: i'm just being blunt as possible about my feelings...

Palauragain: and expectations

AdamBeWorkin: well then give me a chance to respond!

Palauragain: cause why would I leave one unfullfilling relationship...

Palauragain: to possibly enter another?

Palauragain: but this I feel is different

Palauragain: in sooo many ways

AdamBeWorkin: i certainly agree with you

Palauragain: but I am just trying to 'feel you out' so to speak...

Palauragain: I dont want to make the same mistake twice

Palauragain: by being with someone who has a different outlook on life

Palauragain: than me

Palauragain: I have learned soooo much these past 5 years

Palauragain: about what I do/don't want out of this life...

AdamBeWorkin: well it's obvious you are serious

AdamBeWorkin: i must give you that

Palauragain: I have learned soo much about myself!

Palauragain: in that length of time

AdamBeWorkin: my only concern is that you don't understand the value of what we have together

Palauragain: I do!

AdamBeWorkin: i'm telling you straight up - i'm willing to go anywhere

AdamBeWorkin: as long as I can continue

AdamBeWorkin: to create

Palauragain: of course

AdamBeWorkin: without a CAP over my head

AdamBeWorkin: ohio

AdamBeWorkin: CAP

Palauragain: I woukdnt 'take' that from you

Palauragain: CAP?

AdamBeWorkin: yeah

AdamBeWorkin: ceiling

AdamBeWorkin: lol

Palauragain: yeah...

Palauragain: heh

AdamBeWorkin: what the FUCK could I be in OHIO?

AdamBeWorkin: a weatherman?!?!?!

Palauragain: I know, I know!!

Palauragain: the possiblities in this city are ENDLESS

AdamBeWorkin: right

AdamBeWorkin: although the people suck

Palauragain: there is sooo much potential to make $$$ here

Palauragain: than couldnt be made in Vegas for me

AdamBeWorkin: you can find other outlets

AdamBeWorkin: right

AdamBeWorkin: New York is the same way

Palauragain: aside from the $$...

AdamBeWorkin: London is the same way

Palauragain: yes, it is

AdamBeWorkin: Paris is the same way

AdamBeWorkin: Tokyo is the same way

Palauragain: I know...

AdamBeWorkin: Hell even Chicago to a very small degree

Palauragain: the world is HUGE

AdamBeWorkin: yes

Palauragain: I cant stay here forever...

AdamBeWorkin: and i want to explore it with you BEFORE children

Palauragain: that, I know

AdamBeWorkin: and proabbly after

Palauragain: we can do after, too...

AdamBeWorkin: right

Palauragain: of course, not when they are infants

AdamBeWorkin: right

Palauragain: stability is a good thing too

Palauragain: it's necessary in life

Palauragain: but...

AdamBeWorkin: see - this is what i wasn't hearing last night

Palauragain: so is taking advantage of what this world has to offer

AdamBeWorkin: but i know you're freaked out baby

AdamBeWorkin: this has to be the most emotional thing you've ever dealt with

Palauragain: ehhh...soo many things rolling thru my head

Palauragain: so..I go home last night...

AdamBeWorkin: ...

Palauragain: and he was sleeping on the couch

Palauragain: he wakes up for 5 minutes

Palauragain: he was really tired, jet lagged, which I figured

AdamBeWorkin: didn't he get in at 11 AM?

Palauragain: says "hi baby" gives me a kiss...then goes back to sleep

Palauragain: and thats it

AdamBeWorkin: ?

Palauragain: yes, he did...got in at like 12 noon actually

AdamBeWorkin: why didn't he sleep during the day?

Palauragain: got home at 2 pm

Palauragain: ran by work

Palauragain: ran errands

AdamBeWorkin: ahh

Palauragain: got back home at 6 pm

Palauragain: and crashed

AdamBeWorkin: got it

Palauragain: so...

Palauragain: that was the extent of my night

Palauragain: which I figured...

Palauragain: I woke up at 8:30 this morning

Palauragain: he was still dead asleep

Palauragain: I didnt want to wake him

Palauragain: I kissed him on the forehead...got ready, and left for work

AdamBeWorkin: you sincerely seem agitated that you couldn't talk to him last night

AdamBeWorkin: were you truly planning on talking?

Palauragain: I figured last night wouldnt be good

AdamBeWorkin: your mom must have really effected you

AdamBeWorkin: oh

Palauragain: my mom had alot to say....

Palauragain: talked about when her & my dad were married

Palauragain: very interesting

Palauragain: I didnt plan on talking to him last night

Palauragain: how could I>?

AdamBeWorkin: no i understand

AdamBeWorkin: i figured Sunday

Palauragain: he's been on East Coast time and working long days the past 5 days

AdamBeWorkin: no matter what

Palauragain: sunday

Palauragain: he is off work

AdamBeWorkin: right

Palauragain: I am off work

Palauragain: no better time

AdamBeWorkin: you sound incredibly assured right now

AdamBeWorkin: not the impression i got last night

AdamBeWorkin: it sounded like you were 19 all the sudden

Palauragain: mmm

AdamBeWorkin: and wanted to be a gypsy having ciestas all day

AdamBeWorkin: lol

AdamBeWorkin: errr siesta

AdamBeWorkin: whatever

AdamBeWorkin: hhe

AdamBeWorkin: it just came so out of the blue!

AdamBeWorkin: but realize, and i mean this

AdamBeWorkin: i want an opportunity for us to "date"

Palauragain: yes....

AdamBeWorkin: you say from one bad relationship to another

Palauragain: and truly get to know each other

AdamBeWorkin: which - ouch.... lol

Palauragain: no, no...

AdamBeWorkin: you don't sign divorce papers

Palauragain: but you understand what I mean?

AdamBeWorkin: and sign a marriage license

AdamBeWorkin: i'm not saying that either

AdamBeWorkin: i have a pretty good feeling babe

AdamBeWorkin: that because of our #1

AdamBeWorkin: which is this just...outrageous connection - emotionally, physically - spirituatlly

AdamBeWorkin: that when we sit down and talk

AdamBeWorkin: it all falls in line

AdamBeWorkin: of course there's compromise

AdamBeWorkin: but you'll never compromise your true self with me

AdamBeWorkin: because i'm am in touch with that in you

AdamBeWorkin: when you "Get" someone

AdamBeWorkin: that's the perk

AdamBeWorkin: he's not in love with you - he's in love with the idea of you

AdamBeWorkin: therefore your passions are completely overlooked

AdamBeWorkin: that isn't the case with me

AdamBeWorkin: you know that

AdamBeWorkin: if i'm willing to put myself through this now...

Palauragain: I feel that

AdamBeWorkin: do you really have any doubt of what i'm willing to do for us?

Palauragain: you wouldn't go thru this situation again...

Palauragain: if you truly didn't believe

AdamBeWorkin: right

AdamBeWorkin: i am not tied to LA the rest of my life

AdamBeWorkin: i HATE the people here

AdamBeWorkin: but i also know every once and awhile

AdamBeWorkin: you run into people

AdamBeWorkin: that feel the same way

AdamBeWorkin: there's a lot of pros here

AdamBeWorkin: and in my past 5 years

AdamBeWorkin: in this journey

AdamBeWorkin: i've found out one thing

AdamBeWorkin: that has to continue

AdamBeWorkin: that I cannot budge from

AdamBeWorkin: i have to be in a city

AdamBeWorkin: that allows me the opportunity to flourish

AdamBeWorkin: where there isn't a ceiling

AdamBeWorkin: so far - this has been the best for that

Palauragain: of course...

AdamBeWorkin: and we can both make bucketloads of money

Palauragain: I realize that

AdamBeWorkin: in real estate

Palauragain: my vision

AdamBeWorkin: and then go anywhere and buy a goddamn mansion

Palauragain: exactly

Palauragain: u just said it

Palauragain: not even a mansion...but

AdamBeWorkin: be it a villa in italy

Palauragain: YES!

AdamBeWorkin: i see that lifestyle

Palauragain: now u get me

Palauragain: lol

AdamBeWorkin: i've always "gotten" you Alaur

AdamBeWorkin: you're just scared to death about it

Palauragain: of course...

Palauragain: only natural, I think...

AdamBeWorkin: uhm... yes

AdamBeWorkin: my concern again, is that you don't understand what our connection is

AdamBeWorkin: if you could place it in the "physical" category... you arent' doing it justice

Palauragain: no, no...I never said that

AdamBeWorkin: I don't stare at your eyes because it makes me hard

AdamBeWorkin: heh

Palauragain: it's obviously more than that

Palauragain: lol

Palauragain: I know what just physical is

AdamBeWorkin: i stare at them because i feel like I can complete you

Palauragain: I've had that before

Palauragain: hell, thats all it is now

Palauragain: my mom asked me a question...

AdamBeWorkin: ?

AdamBeWorkin: k

Palauragain: said "So, you havent seen him in 5 days...

Palauragain: are you racing home to be with him because you really miss him?"

AdamBeWorkin: ouch

Palauragain: I was like "well....not exactly..."

Palauragain: "because I know EXACTLY how it will be once I open that door"

Palauragain: "and I no longer 'look forward' to that..."

Palauragain: our conversation dug deeper...I can get more into it later

AdamBeWorkin: i assume i didn't come up...

AdamBeWorkin: that's a helluva box to open to mom on the phone

Palauragain: ummm, u did

Palauragain: without 'intimate' details

AdamBeWorkin: whew

AdamBeWorkin: i have to say, I'm completely shocked right now

Palauragain: why?

AdamBeWorkin: you are not Laura

Palauragain: ummm, I could have told u that

Palauragain: lol

AdamBeWorkin: you are being aggressive

AdamBeWorkin: and telling the world - this is what i fucking want out of life

AdamBeWorkin: join me or get the fuck out of the way

Palauragain: basically...

AdamBeWorkin: it's refreshing actually

Palauragain: I have the spent the last few years

Palauragain: 'held back' from what I really want to do

Palauragain: being told how to act, what to wear, who to hang out with...

AdamBeWorkin: right

Palauragain: and i'm tired of it

AdamBeWorkin: wait

AdamBeWorkin: he told you who to hang out with?

AdamBeWorkin: let me know when you're back...

AdamBeWorkin: goddamn i'm so stressed out right now

AdamBeWorkin: heh

Palauragain: sorry babe

Palauragain: another day, more drama..

Palauragain: what I mean by 'telling me who to hang with' s...

AdamBeWorkin: always drama!

Palauragain: he would prefer that I hang with his coworkers and friends rather than mine...

Palauragain: <which he also knows!>

Palauragain: but not as well, obviously....

Palauragain: and like I told you, most of my friends are guys...

AdamBeWorkin: right

Palauragain: which I know, must suck for the spouse

Palauragain: I understand that

AdamBeWorkin: well - i believe that would change if your spouse was different

AdamBeWorkin: when you dont get the attention you need at home

AdamBeWorkin: you get it elsewhere - period

Palauragain: but also...its who I'm surrounded with

AdamBeWorkin: of course

Palauragain: which in my case - is ALL guys!

AdamBeWorkin: but the attention doesn't hurt

AdamBeWorkin:

AdamBeWorkin: and also

Palauragain: thats just my line of work

AdamBeWorkin: HE's insecure

Palauragain: of course not..hehe

AdamBeWorkin: about the relationship too

Palauragain: I know

Palauragain: man

AdamBeWorkin: or he wouldn't be angry

Palauragain: I was nervous

Palauragain: he'd ask about the bruise

AdamBeWorkin: how did he see it?

Palauragain: which is slightly faded now

Palauragain: but apaprently he didnt

AdamBeWorkin: and what the fuck did we do?

Palauragain: who knows...

AdamBeWorkin: so you had sex last night?

AdamBeWorkin: wasn't he asleep?

AdamBeWorkin: lol

Palauragain: I do bruise easily

Palauragain: no we didnt

Palauragain: but I sleep in panties

Palauragain: and nothing else

AdamBeWorkin: "we can do it till we both WAKE UP"

Palauragain: which exposes the hipbone

Palauragain: hehe

AdamBeWorkin: ahhh

AdamBeWorkin: but on that subject with the guys

AdamBeWorkin: if he's never around

AdamBeWorkin: nor talks to you in any deep meaningful way

AdamBeWorkin: he has zero room to talk

AdamBeWorkin: that's what happens when someone like YOU

AdamBeWorkin: is in that relationship

AdamBeWorkin: you need that interraction

Palauragain: yes...

AdamBeWorkin: you need to be with people that care about who you are

AdamBeWorkin: and give you that attention

Palauragain: exactly

AdamBeWorkin: i really think you will be floored

AdamBeWorkin: at how your feelings change

Palauragain: it's so not hard to understand!!

AdamBeWorkin: when given the time

Palauragain: but he just doesnt get it!!

AdamBeWorkin: to ease into the right relationship

Palauragain: yeah...

Palauragain: brb babe

AdamBeWorkin: k

Palauragain: k...

Palauragain: my friend in vegas has the most beautiful child!

Palauragain: she emailed me pics

Palauragain: he has loooong dark almost back hair, delicate pale skin and these HUGE blue-green eyes!

Palauragain: *black hair

Palauragain: lol

Palauragain: he just turned 1...so cute

AdamBeWorkin: awwwwwwwww

Palauragain: lol

Palauragain: sooooo adorable

Palauragain: anyway....

Palauragain: and she was one girl...

Palauragain: that I could NEVER imagine as a mother

AdamBeWorkin: one girl?

AdamBeWorkin: ahh

AdamBeWorkin: heh

Palauragain: she was a party girl! big time!

Palauragain: lol

AdamBeWorkin: sounds like someone i know...

Palauragain: hmmmm...?!

AdamBeWorkin: lol

AdamBeWorkin: back in the DAY...

Palauragain: yes, yes...many moons ago

Palauragain: before I got the ring on my finger

Palauragain: hehe

AdamBeWorkin: ;-)

AdamBeWorkin: well i hope you feel a bit better

AdamBeWorkin: i feel like I'm gonna puke

AdamBeWorkin: but i guess I'll deal with that

AdamBeWorkin: lol

Palauragain: ?!?!?!?

AdamBeWorkin: babe - the roller coaster i've been on the last 24 hours

AdamBeWorkin: jeeeeeeeeeeesus

Palauragain: :)

Palauragain: and this is only day 1

AdamBeWorkin: well that whole thing is done btw

AdamBeWorkin: we need to talk at some point before saturday

AdamBeWorkin: just for peace of mind

AdamBeWorkin: i feel like i've been through a tornado

Palauragain: <sigh>

AdamBeWorkin: what makes me happy though

AdamBeWorkin: is that even with doubts about me...

AdamBeWorkin: you still know what has to be done

Palauragain: yeah....

Palauragain: I know

Palauragain: what must be

AdamBeWorkin: ...

Palauragain: with that situation...

Palauragain: and with us...

AdamBeWorkin: and with us...?

Palauragain: time will tell

AdamBeWorkin: i think you're making an exit strategy

AdamBeWorkin: to "play the field"

AdamBeWorkin: if you seperate from him

Palauragain: adam...

AdamBeWorkin: am i wrong?

Palauragain: I don't know if 'jumping' into something serious immediatly after is the right thing to do...

Palauragain: I've told u that before

AdamBeWorkin: what's the choice?

AdamBeWorkin: losing this?

AdamBeWorkin: i agree

Palauragain: I didnt say that

AdamBeWorkin: common sense says

AdamBeWorkin: that's stupid

Palauragain: I just want to take things 'slowly'

Palauragain: when it gets the that point...

Palauragain: after my marriage dissolves

Palauragain: whenever that may be

AdamBeWorkin: we had the opportunity to take things slowly

AdamBeWorkin: we chose not to

AdamBeWorkin: and am I supposed to be your "friend" when we see each other again?

Palauragain: we didnt have the opportunity!

AdamBeWorkin: am i not allowed to look at you like "that"?

Palauragain: how can u just 'turn off' that feeling now

Palauragain: ?

AdamBeWorkin: no SHIT

AdamBeWorkin: lol

AdamBeWorkin: i agree you can't walk out of divorce court

AdamBeWorkin: and down the aisle

AdamBeWorkin: lol

AdamBeWorkin: i have said up and down i want to date

AdamBeWorkin: but i have to have some re-assurance

AdamBeWorkin: that i'm not one of many dates

AdamBeWorkin: and you're just "seeing" what's out there

AdamBeWorkin: i have a feeling however

AdamBeWorkin: that that is what you're trying to do

AdamBeWorkin: and if that's the case

AdamBeWorkin: i can't go through all of this with you

AdamBeWorkin: while you date Alaur

Palauragain: not that I need to 'see what's out there...' but

AdamBeWorkin: or whomever

Palauragain: maybe I just need time by myself....

Palauragain: for a bit

Palauragain: 'soul searching?'

Palauragain: heh

Palauragain: <read that in an entry of yours>

AdamBeWorkin: then you connect with me when you're ready for more

AdamBeWorkin: period

AdamBeWorkin: what would you do from my persepctive?

Palauragain: I see you've written a few more <locked> entries....

AdamBeWorkin: AdamBeWorkin: what would you do from my persepctive?

Palauragain: adam, I adore you....

Palauragain: but i cant keep you "waiting around"

Palauragain: while I explore myself

Palauragain: thats selfish

Palauragain: and I just wouldn't expect you too

Palauragain: but think about being "me" for a minute

Palauragain: bouncing from one long relationship..to another...which leads to marriage

Palauragain: and never having time inbetween

Palauragain: to be 'just me'

AdamBeWorkin: which will have to include other people...

AdamBeWorkin: you know that

AdamBeWorkin: i will still contest you've been single and "just you" for 2 1/2 years

AdamBeWorkin: but you have to do what you feel here

Palauragain: not entirely true

Palauragain: I have given up stuff to be with him

Palauragain: I have passed on job opportinities

Palauragain: to please him

Palauragain: I've been 'held back'

Palauragain: for sooo long, it feels

Palauragain: from my ex ****...to ****...

Palauragain: and I'd just hate to have that happene again

AdamBeWorkin: babe - this all makes sense

AdamBeWorkin: when you're not with me

AdamBeWorkin: on paper

AdamBeWorkin: (or LCD)

AdamBeWorkin: you are dead on

AdamBeWorkin: your family and friends would tell you the same thing

Palauragain: right...

AdamBeWorkin: and you know what I'm going to say next

AdamBeWorkin: lol

AdamBeWorkin: when you are with me...

Palauragain: tell...

AdamBeWorkin: those things aren't acceptable

AdamBeWorkin: because the risk of losing this...

AdamBeWorkin: which i think is one in a million

AdamBeWorkin: isn't worth that

AdamBeWorkin: but, the bottom line is - i can't always be with you

AdamBeWorkin: and 9 times out of 10

Palauragain: <or for you...one in four>

Palauragain: ;)

Palauragain: i'm only playing....

Palauragain: 9 times out of 10..?

Palauragain: <ehhhhh, either working or I pissed him off again>

AdamBeWorkin: ...

Palauragain: ...?

AdamBeWorkin: ...

Palauragain: no comment?

Palauragain: nothing further to talk about...?

Palauragain: or are you honestly just busy?

AdamBeWorkin: i'm not busy

Palauragain: then please talk

AdamBeWorkin: your flippancy floors me

Palauragain: it's called sarcasm

Palauragain: and I will stop

Palauragain: if you want me to

Palauragain: Adaaaaaaaam!!

Palauragain: come on...

AdamBeWorkin: ...

Palauragain: <sigh>

Palauragain: talk?

Palauragain: please?

Palauragain: continue?

AdamBeWorkin: ...

AdamBeWorkin: i'm

AdamBeWorkin: why don't you see the seriousness of this to me

AdamBeWorkin: why can't you see this from my perspective

Palauragain: I DO!!!!

AdamBeWorkin: you ARE 1 in a million to me

Palauragain: I CAN!!

Palauragain: I BELIEVE YOU!!

AdamBeWorkin: well as I said before

AdamBeWorkin: this feels so fragile

AdamBeWorkin: because you are willing to sacrifice it

AdamBeWorkin: because it seems "right" to "find yourself" afterwards

Palauragain: I'm not willing!!!!

Palauragain: I just want to be sure

AdamBeWorkin: ok

Palauragain: that I am 100% ready

Palauragain: to give myself to you

Palauragain: after going thru what will be

AdamBeWorkin: i dont expect that

Palauragain: the most PAINFUL thing in my life

AdamBeWorkin: FOR A YEAR ALAUR

AdamBeWorkin: i seriously dont

AdamBeWorkin: i said i want to date

AdamBeWorkin: i would want you to seperate from him

AdamBeWorkin: and move in with someone for several months

AdamBeWorkin: or until we felt that was just stupid

Palauragain: of course

Palauragain: take things slower....

AdamBeWorkin: i would want a goddamn DAY with you

AdamBeWorkin: to fucking laugh

Palauragain: we have!!!

AdamBeWorkin: no

Palauragain: spent multiple hours

AdamBeWorkin: we haven't

Palauragain: laughing together

AdamBeWorkin: yes - but there's always a clock

AdamBeWorkin: babe - we're perfect

AdamBeWorkin: so we can make the best

Palauragain: of course there is

AdamBeWorkin: out of a few hours

Palauragain: and there will be as long as i'm married - u know that

AdamBeWorkin: yup

AdamBeWorkin: well - not exactly

Palauragain: ?

AdamBeWorkin: we could've had saturday

AdamBeWorkin: or sunday last weekend

Palauragain: still - with a CLOCK

AdamBeWorkin: but there will be other times

AdamBeWorkin: hell no

AdamBeWorkin: with no clock!

Palauragain: YES!

AdamBeWorkin: NO!

AdamBeWorkin: lol

AdamBeWorkin: rofl

Palauragain: I'd have to have been home

AdamBeWorkin: my point is

Palauragain: by some POINT Adam!!

AdamBeWorkin: WELL YES

AdamBeWorkin: and we're gonna DIE

Palauragain: to answer the house line!!!!!!!!!!!!

AdamBeWorkin: so there's ANOTHER CLOCK

Palauragain: when he called, right?!?!?

AdamBeWorkin: lol

Palauragain: always a clock

Palauragain: <sigh>

AdamBeWorkin: hahah

AdamBeWorkin: no i meant

AdamBeWorkin: had you gotten there at like 10 AM...

AdamBeWorkin: for example

AdamBeWorkin: that's a day babe

AdamBeWorkin: that's a day to go eat

Palauragain: <like we do that anyways>

Palauragain: heh

AdamBeWorkin: well

AdamBeWorkin: and just be

AdamBeWorkin: you know what i mean

AdamBeWorkin: let's get this down sweetie

Palauragain: I undertand....

AdamBeWorkin: i mean to the T

AdamBeWorkin: so you understa