locked until 04.30.05 
11:11 PM, Firday, April 15th 2005:
(sigh) - Thursday Morning:

Palauragain: good morning

7 minutes later…
Palauragain: <just want to say...sorry if I freaked you out with my thoughts yesterday>
24 minutes later…
AdamBeWorkin: ...
7 minutes later…
Palauragain: I know u probably dont have much to say to me now...
5 minutes later…
AdamBeWorkin: you certainly took control of the situation
AdamBeWorkin: and knew the effect you would have
AdamBeWorkin: when you ended things last night
Palauragain: ??
Palauragain: ended things?
AdamBeWorkin: the conversation
Palauragain: I had to go...
Palauragain: u werent responding
Palauragain: u seemed freaked
AdamBeWorkin: would you like to read it?
AdamBeWorkin: I was responding
AdamBeWorkin: and you ignored it and kept going
AdamBeWorkin: you knew exactly how i would react Alaur...
Palauragain: at the fact that I told you...
Palauragain: I dont want to live in LA all my life?
Palauragain: well, it's true...
Palauragain: and maybe it
Palauragain: s best
Palauragain: we figure this shit out about each other sooner than later...
AdamBeWorkin: i was agreeing with you on that
AdamBeWorkin: i think you're just trying to find some drastic reason
Palauragain: it's not 'drastic'
AdamBeWorkin: for this not to work, so you don't have to confront anything
Palauragain: you didnt seem to agree
Palauragain: on what I had to say...
AdamBeWorkin: i said New York...
AdamBeWorkin: but all you said was living like a gypsy
Palauragain: and eventually..I will confront the sitaution with my husband...
Palauragain: because he doesnt want a life like that either
AdamBeWorkin: not including me either
AdamBeWorkin: it was a "solo" dream
Palauragain: apparently so...
Palauragain: I have met one person in my life
Palauragain: who would follow that dream with me...
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: unfortunatley, we have no physical passion
Palauragain: but we are friends
Palauragain: and as I have learned, u cant have it all...
AdamBeWorkin: I pray you can find happiness with your choices Alaur
AdamBeWorkin: but the inconsideration you showed last night
AdamBeWorkin: was too much
AdamBeWorkin: to leave it like that
Palauragain: sorry u feel that way
AdamBeWorkin: knowing I was bombarded
AdamBeWorkin: and completely taken off-guard
AdamBeWorkin: you made your choice
AdamBeWorkin: you made your life simple again
AdamBeWorkin: and not because we aren't right for each other
AdamBeWorkin: but because you can't face that
AdamBeWorkin: it's easier to find a hole
AdamBeWorkin: and if you thought all we had was physical passion
AdamBeWorkin: then I was apparently way off base
Palauragain: you showed me that I could have a deep connection with someone...
Palauragain: but maybe we really dont have enough in common...
Palauragain: to ever maintain a relationship
AdamBeWorkin: because you want to be a gypsy?
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: although i won't stay in LA all my life
Palauragain: because I want more out of my life...
AdamBeWorkin: i want my kids to have some stability
AdamBeWorkin: yes
Palauragain: than the typical day to day living
AdamBeWorkin: i dont want them to be dragged all over the world
AdamBeWorkin: before I have kids?
AdamBeWorkin: of course
AdamBeWorkin: why do you think i'm going to Japan
AdamBeWorkin: and Greece
AdamBeWorkin: but you're actually saying
AdamBeWorkin: even though you said you wanted a family in LA
AdamBeWorkin: that you want to have that family all over the world
AdamBeWorkin: and you're willing to break the only true connection you've ever felt
AdamBeWorkin: because of that?
Palauragain: I want to raise my children in a world...
Palauragain: of morals, family and love
Palauragain: people in LA dont live that way
AdamBeWorkin: check check and check
Palauragain: people in this country really dont
AdamBeWorkin: i agree wholeheartedly
Palauragain: and it saddend me
AdamBeWorkin: yet somehow we have morals
AdamBeWorkin: and love
Palauragain: our priorities in this country are screwed
Palauragain: and children get caught up in it
AdamBeWorkin: if the parents are part of it
AdamBeWorkin: of course
AdamBeWorkin: but when you have a connection with someone
AdamBeWorkin: it overcomes that
Palauragain: let me ask you..
Palauragain: where do u see yourself in 5 yrs?
in 10?
AdamBeWorkin: i want a family in 5 years
AdamBeWorkin: i want to continue following my dreams
AdamBeWorkin: i've even toyed with living in Japan
AdamBeWorkin: i'm completely open to moving to different places
AdamBeWorkin: they just have to have some artistic scene
AdamBeWorkin: new york
AdamBeWorkin: parts of europe
AdamBeWorkin: tokyo
AdamBeWorkin: the world is exciting
Palauragain: it is
Palauragain: and I don't want to feel
Palauragain: as though I've 'missed out' on anything in life...
Palauragain: time is the only thing in this world you can never get back
Palauragain: I don't want to look back one day, when I am old and gray
AdamBeWorkin: then you're probably better off never having kids Alaur
Palauragain: and say "I wish I would have...."
AdamBeWorkin: but then you'll have that what-if
Palauragain: my kids will be a part of what I do
Palauragain: whether it's living here in LA for the next 10 yrs
Palauragain: or picking up and moving to Greece
AdamBeWorkin: right
AdamBeWorkin: so what's our problem again?
Palauragain: (sigh)
Palauragain: I don't know
Palauragain: I just want to see...
Palauragain: how close to being on the same page as me
Palauragain: you are
AdamBeWorkin: love is #1
AdamBeWorkin: creating a family in love is #1
AdamBeWorkin: those connections mean everything
AdamBeWorkin: period
AdamBeWorkin: then there's the next layer
AdamBeWorkin: of all the dreams we have individually
AdamBeWorkin: i will not sacrifice #1 for that dream
AdamBeWorkin: read any of a select group of entries
AdamBeWorkin: and you'll know
AdamBeWorkin: i fucking HATE LA
AdamBeWorkin: i've always HATED LA...
AdamBeWorkin: right now however - it's where i can pursue things
AdamBeWorkin: but for me, there's so many artistic cities
AdamBeWorkin: that I could FLOURISH in
AdamBeWorkin: that I'm willing to go anywhere
AdamBeWorkin: and out of this COUNTRY
AdamBeWorkin: is pretty goddamn attractive to me
AdamBeWorkin: but first and foremost is finding someone I am connected to
Palauragain: of course
AdamBeWorkin: to share that with
Palauragain: because I dont want to go on this journey thru life on my own
AdamBeWorkin: well you are now
Palauragain: it would be so much more spectacualr to share it with someone...
Palauragain: I know I am now
Palauragain: but this wont go on forever
Palauragain: I dont want to waste another second of my time...
AdamBeWorkin: my problem with the last conversation
Palauragain: go on..
AdamBeWorkin: was not what you said as much as how you seemingly cared LESS about how that made me feel
AdamBeWorkin: how that effected my night
AdamBeWorkin: how that effected my day
AdamBeWorkin: it was sooooo flippant
AdamBeWorkin: and...immature
AdamBeWorkin: and just completely disregarding of my feelings
AdamBeWorkin: a phone call...something
AdamBeWorkin: anything
AdamBeWorkin: nope
AdamBeWorkin: but as you see - if you were to give me more than 30 seconds... we're more in tune than you think
Palauragain: perhaps...
Palauragain: and immature?
AdamBeWorkin: ?
Palauragain: not looking out for your feelings?
AdamBeWorkin: i kept IMing you during that saying
AdamBeWorkin: what?
AdamBeWorkin: ...
AdamBeWorkin: i'm confused
AdamBeWorkin: where is this coming from
AdamBeWorkin: and you just kept reeling things off
Palauragain: I felt the need to express myself
AdamBeWorkin: and then cut off
AdamBeWorkin: didn't call me
Palauragain: not trying to 'reel' things off
AdamBeWorkin: that's fine - if I'm a friend
AdamBeWorkin: or just some guy
Palauragain: I was on the phone
Palauragain: with my mom
Palauragain: the entire way home last night
AdamBeWorkin: but you know how fragile this whole situation is
Palauragain: talking
Palauragain: about 'stuff'
AdamBeWorkin: you want to conitnue?
AdamBeWorkin: or should i...
Palauragain: go on...
AdamBeWorkin: i assume you were asking why i thought your actions were disregarding of my feelings
AdamBeWorkin: and i was expressing that you knew what you were doing by reeling all that off
AdamBeWorkin: right before you were about to go
AdamBeWorkin: reading that I was stunned
AdamBeWorkin: and then signing off and never saying another word to me all night
AdamBeWorkin: that's inconsiderate
AdamBeWorkin: period
Palauragain: adam
Palauragain: I had to go...
AdamBeWorkin: right
Palauragain: then I went to the gym
Palauragain: then I drove home
AdamBeWorkin: babe
AdamBeWorkin: if it was important
Palauragain: and the entire time
AdamBeWorkin: you would have contacted me
Palauragain: on the road
Palauragain: I spoke to my mom
Palauragain: which is something I should have done
AdamBeWorkin: i believe you spoke to your mom
Palauragain: a week ago
Palauragain: she had alot to say
AdamBeWorkin: i couldn't agree more
Palauragain: about everything
Palauragain: then I got home
AdamBeWorkin: again - you have legitimate excuses
AdamBeWorkin: had i done the same with you and signed off
AdamBeWorkin: it would have given me a sick feeling in my stomach
AdamBeWorkin: and before i went to the gym
AdamBeWorkin: or before i got out of the car
AdamBeWorkin: or somewhere
AdamBeWorkin: i would have made it a point to say: "Jesus, sorry about going off... I just had to say that"
AdamBeWorkin: or even this MORNING
AdamBeWorkin: on your drive in
AdamBeWorkin: something
AdamBeWorkin: to show that you were aware of what a slap that was
AdamBeWorkin: but nothing
Palauragain: you suggested 'time'
Palauragain: and 'less contact'
AdamBeWorkin: and then you contacted me!
Palauragain: I am giving that to you
AdamBeWorkin: ?
Palauragain: yes over IM
Palauragain: but "LESS"
AdamBeWorkin: you can defend your actions to the death Alaur
AdamBeWorkin: i will always feel that was inconsiderate of my feelings period
AdamBeWorkin: so it must be in my head
AdamBeWorkin: i need to grow up a bit
AdamBeWorkin: and not be so thin skinned
Palauragain: i'm not getting defensive
Palauragain: sorry if I made u feel that way
Palauragain: i'm not making excuses for my actions
AdamBeWorkin: no, you're not
AdamBeWorkin: you wanted that
AdamBeWorkin: because you knew that was a test for me
Palauragain: i'm just letting you know things...
AdamBeWorkin: you knew that would make me pissed
AdamBeWorkin: again - not what you said... but how you said it
AdamBeWorkin: you're doubting usa
AdamBeWorkin: usa - lol good typo
AdamBeWorkin: *us
AdamBeWorkin: not me
AdamBeWorkin: you there?
Palauragain: yes...
AdamBeWorkin: what are you thinking...
Palauragain: it wasn't meant to sound so...., so...<whats the word i'm looking for>
Palauragain: i'm just being blunt as possible about my feelings...
Palauragain: and expectations
AdamBeWorkin: well then give me a chance to respond!
Palauragain: cause why would I leave one unfullfilling relationship...
Palauragain: to possibly enter another?
Palauragain: but this I feel is different
Palauragain: in sooo many ways
AdamBeWorkin: i certainly agree with you
Palauragain: but I am just trying to 'feel you out' so to speak...
Palauragain: I dont want to make the same mistake twice
Palauragain: by being with someone who has a different outlook on life
Palauragain: than me
Palauragain: I have learned soooo much these past 5 years
Palauragain: about what I do/don't want out of this life...
AdamBeWorkin: well it's obvious you are serious
AdamBeWorkin: i must give you that
Palauragain: I have learned soo much about myself!
Palauragain: in that length of time
AdamBeWorkin: my only concern is that you don't understand the value of what we have together
Palauragain: I do!
AdamBeWorkin: i'm telling you straight up - i'm willing to go anywhere
AdamBeWorkin: as long as I can continue
AdamBeWorkin: to create
Palauragain: of course
AdamBeWorkin: without a CAP over my head
AdamBeWorkin: ohio
AdamBeWorkin: CAP
Palauragain: I woukdnt 'take' that from you
Palauragain: CAP?
AdamBeWorkin: yeah
AdamBeWorkin: ceiling
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: yeah...
Palauragain: heh
AdamBeWorkin: what the FUCK could I be in OHIO?
AdamBeWorkin: a weatherman?!?!?!
Palauragain: I know, I know!!
Palauragain: the possiblities in this city are ENDLESS
AdamBeWorkin: right
AdamBeWorkin: although the people suck
Palauragain: there is sooo much potential to make $$$ here
Palauragain: than couldnt be made in Vegas for me
AdamBeWorkin: you can find other outlets
AdamBeWorkin: right
AdamBeWorkin: New York is the same way
Palauragain: aside from the $$...
AdamBeWorkin: London is the same way
Palauragain: yes, it is
AdamBeWorkin: Paris is the same way
AdamBeWorkin: Tokyo is the same way
Palauragain: I know...
AdamBeWorkin: Hell even Chicago to a very small degree
Palauragain: the world is HUGE
AdamBeWorkin: yes
Palauragain: I cant stay here forever...
AdamBeWorkin: and i want to explore it with you BEFORE children
Palauragain: that, I know
AdamBeWorkin: and proabbly after
Palauragain: we can do after, too...
AdamBeWorkin: right
Palauragain: of course, not when they are infants
AdamBeWorkin: right
Palauragain: stability is a good thing too
Palauragain: it's necessary in life
Palauragain: but...
AdamBeWorkin: see - this is what i wasn't hearing last night
Palauragain: so is taking advantage of what this world has to offer
AdamBeWorkin: but i know you're freaked out baby
AdamBeWorkin: this has to be the most emotional thing you've ever dealt with
Palauragain: ehhh...soo many things rolling thru my head
Palauragain: so..I go home last night...
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: and he was sleeping on the couch
Palauragain: he wakes up for 5 minutes
Palauragain: he was really tired, jet lagged, which I figured
AdamBeWorkin: didn't he get in at 11 AM?
Palauragain: says "hi baby" gives me a kiss...then goes back to sleep
Palauragain: and thats it
AdamBeWorkin: ?
Palauragain: yes, he did...got in at like 12 noon actually
AdamBeWorkin: why didn't he sleep during the day?
Palauragain: got home at 2 pm
Palauragain: ran by work
Palauragain: ran errands
AdamBeWorkin: ahh
Palauragain: got back home at 6 pm
Palauragain: and crashed
AdamBeWorkin: got it
Palauragain: so...
Palauragain: that was the extent of my night
Palauragain: which I figured...
Palauragain: I woke up at 8:30 this morning
Palauragain: he was still dead asleep
Palauragain: I didnt want to wake him
Palauragain: I kissed him on the forehead...got ready, and left for work
AdamBeWorkin: you sincerely seem agitated that you couldn't talk to him last night
AdamBeWorkin: were you truly planning on talking?
Palauragain: I figured last night wouldnt be good
AdamBeWorkin: your mom must have really effected you
AdamBeWorkin: oh
Palauragain: my mom had alot to say....
Palauragain: talked about when her & my dad were married
Palauragain: very interesting
Palauragain: I didnt plan on talking to him last night
Palauragain: how could I>?
AdamBeWorkin: no i understand
AdamBeWorkin: i figured Sunday
Palauragain: he's been on East Coast time and working long days the past 5 days
AdamBeWorkin: no matter what
Palauragain: sunday
Palauragain: he is off work
AdamBeWorkin: right
Palauragain: I am off work
Palauragain: no better time
AdamBeWorkin: you sound incredibly assured right now
AdamBeWorkin: not the impression i got last night
AdamBeWorkin: it sounded like you were 19 all the sudden
Palauragain: mmm
AdamBeWorkin: and wanted to be a gypsy having ciestas all day
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: errr siesta
AdamBeWorkin: whatever
AdamBeWorkin: hhe
AdamBeWorkin: it just came so out of the blue!
AdamBeWorkin: but realize, and i mean this
AdamBeWorkin: i want an opportunity for us to "date"
Palauragain: yes....
AdamBeWorkin: you say from one bad relationship to another
Palauragain: and truly get to know each other
AdamBeWorkin: which - ouch.... lol
Palauragain: no, no...
AdamBeWorkin: you don't sign divorce papers
Palauragain: but you understand what I mean?
AdamBeWorkin: and sign a marriage license
AdamBeWorkin: i'm not saying that either
AdamBeWorkin: i have a pretty good feeling babe
AdamBeWorkin: that because of our #1
AdamBeWorkin: which is this just...outrageous connection - emotionally, physically - spirituatlly
AdamBeWorkin: that when we sit down and talk
AdamBeWorkin: it all falls in line
AdamBeWorkin: of course there's compromise
AdamBeWorkin: but you'll never compromise your true self with me
AdamBeWorkin: because i'm am in touch with that in you
AdamBeWorkin: when you "Get" someone
AdamBeWorkin: that's the perk
AdamBeWorkin: he's not in love with you - he's in love with the idea of you
AdamBeWorkin: therefore your passions are completely overlooked
AdamBeWorkin: that isn't the case with me
AdamBeWorkin: you know that
AdamBeWorkin: if i'm willing to put myself through this now...
Palauragain: I feel that
AdamBeWorkin: do you really have any doubt of what i'm willing to do for us?
Palauragain: you wouldn't go thru this situation again...
Palauragain: if you truly didn't believe
AdamBeWorkin: right
AdamBeWorkin: i am not tied to LA the rest of my life
AdamBeWorkin: i HATE the people here
AdamBeWorkin: but i also know every once and awhile
AdamBeWorkin: you run into people
AdamBeWorkin: that feel the same way
AdamBeWorkin: there's a lot of pros here
AdamBeWorkin: and in my past 5 years
AdamBeWorkin: in this journey
AdamBeWorkin: i've found out one thing
AdamBeWorkin: that has to continue
AdamBeWorkin: that I cannot budge from
AdamBeWorkin: i have to be in a city
AdamBeWorkin: that allows me the opportunity to flourish
AdamBeWorkin: where there isn't a ceiling
AdamBeWorkin: so far - this has been the best for that
Palauragain: of course...
AdamBeWorkin: and we can both make bucketloads of money
Palauragain: I realize that
AdamBeWorkin: in real estate
Palauragain: my vision
AdamBeWorkin: and then go anywhere and buy a goddamn mansion
Palauragain: exactly
Palauragain: u just said it
Palauragain: not even a mansion...but
AdamBeWorkin: be it a villa in italy
Palauragain: YES!
AdamBeWorkin: i see that lifestyle
Palauragain: now u get me
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: i've always "gotten" you Alaur
AdamBeWorkin: you're just scared to death about it
Palauragain: of course...
Palauragain: only natural, I think...
AdamBeWorkin: uhm... yes
AdamBeWorkin: my concern again, is that you don't understand what our connection is
AdamBeWorkin: if you could place it in the "physical" category... you arent' doing it justice
Palauragain: no, no...I never said that
AdamBeWorkin: I don't stare at your eyes because it makes me hard
AdamBeWorkin: heh
Palauragain: it's obviously more than that
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: I know what just physical is
AdamBeWorkin: i stare at them because i feel like I can complete you
Palauragain: I've had that before
Palauragain: hell, thats all it is now
Palauragain: my mom asked me a question...
AdamBeWorkin: ?
AdamBeWorkin: k
Palauragain: said "So, you havent seen him in 5 days...
Palauragain: are you racing home to be with him because you really miss him?"
AdamBeWorkin: ouch
Palauragain: I was like "well....not exactly..."
Palauragain: "because I know EXACTLY how it will be once I open that door"
Palauragain: "and I no longer 'look forward' to that..."
Palauragain: our conversation dug deeper...I can get more into it later
AdamBeWorkin: i assume i didn't come up...
AdamBeWorkin: that's a helluva box to open to mom on the phone
Palauragain: ummm, u did
Palauragain: without 'intimate' details
AdamBeWorkin: whew
AdamBeWorkin: i have to say, I'm completely shocked right now
Palauragain: why?
AdamBeWorkin: you are not Laura
Palauragain: ummm, I could have told u that
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: you are being aggressive
AdamBeWorkin: and telling the world - this is what i fucking want out of life
AdamBeWorkin: join me or get the fuck out of the way
Palauragain: basically...
AdamBeWorkin: it's refreshing actually
Palauragain: I have the spent the last few years
Palauragain: 'held back' from what I really want to do
Palauragain: being told how to act, what to wear, who to hang out with...
AdamBeWorkin: right
Palauragain: and i'm tired of it
AdamBeWorkin: wait
AdamBeWorkin: he told you who to hang out with?
AdamBeWorkin: let me know when you're back...
AdamBeWorkin: goddamn i'm so stressed out right now
AdamBeWorkin: heh
Palauragain: sorry babe
Palauragain: another day, more drama..
Palauragain: what I mean by 'telling me who to hang with' s...
AdamBeWorkin: always drama!
Palauragain: he would prefer that I hang with his coworkers and friends rather than mine...
Palauragain: <which he also knows!>
Palauragain: but not as well, obviously....
Palauragain: and like I told you, most of my friends are guys...
AdamBeWorkin: right
Palauragain: which I know, must suck for the spouse
Palauragain: I understand that
AdamBeWorkin: well - i believe that would change if your spouse was different
AdamBeWorkin: when you dont get the attention you need at home
AdamBeWorkin: you get it elsewhere - period
Palauragain: but also...its who I'm surrounded with
AdamBeWorkin: of course
Palauragain: which in my case - is ALL guys!
AdamBeWorkin: but the attention doesn't hurt
AdamBeWorkin: and also
Palauragain: thats just my line of work
AdamBeWorkin: HE's insecure
Palauragain: of course not..hehe
AdamBeWorkin: about the relationship too
Palauragain: I know
Palauragain: man
AdamBeWorkin: or he wouldn't be angry
Palauragain: I was nervous
Palauragain: he'd ask about the bruise
AdamBeWorkin: how did he see it?
Palauragain: which is slightly faded now
Palauragain: but apaprently he didnt
AdamBeWorkin: and what the fuck did we do?
Palauragain: who knows...
AdamBeWorkin: so you had sex last night?
AdamBeWorkin: wasn't he asleep?
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: I do bruise easily
Palauragain: no we didnt
Palauragain: but I sleep in panties
Palauragain: and nothing else
AdamBeWorkin: "we can do it till we both WAKE UP"
Palauragain: which exposes the hipbone
Palauragain: hehe
AdamBeWorkin: ahhh
AdamBeWorkin: but on that subject with the guys
AdamBeWorkin: if he's never around
AdamBeWorkin: nor talks to you in any deep meaningful way
AdamBeWorkin: he has zero room to talk
AdamBeWorkin: that's what happens when someone like YOU
AdamBeWorkin: is in that relationship
AdamBeWorkin: you need that interraction
Palauragain: yes...
AdamBeWorkin: you need to be with people that care about who you are
AdamBeWorkin: and give you that attention
Palauragain: exactly
AdamBeWorkin: i really think you will be floored
AdamBeWorkin: at how your feelings change
Palauragain: it's so not hard to understand!!
AdamBeWorkin: when given the time
Palauragain: but he just doesnt get it!!
AdamBeWorkin: to ease into the right relationship
Palauragain: yeah...
Palauragain: brb babe
AdamBeWorkin: k
Palauragain: k...
Palauragain: my friend in vegas has the most beautiful child!
Palauragain: she emailed me pics
Palauragain: he has loooong dark almost back hair, delicate pale skin and these HUGE blue-green eyes!
Palauragain: *black hair
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: he just turned 1...so cute
AdamBeWorkin: awwwwwwwww
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: sooooo adorable
Palauragain: anyway....
Palauragain: and she was one girl...
Palauragain: that I could NEVER imagine as a mother
AdamBeWorkin: one girl?
AdamBeWorkin: ahh
AdamBeWorkin: heh
Palauragain: she was a party girl! big time!
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: sounds like someone i know...
Palauragain: hmmmm...?!
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: back in the DAY...
Palauragain: yes, yes...many moons ago
Palauragain: before I got the ring on my finger
Palauragain: hehe
AdamBeWorkin: ;-)
AdamBeWorkin: well i hope you feel a bit better
AdamBeWorkin: i feel like I'm gonna puke
AdamBeWorkin: but i guess I'll deal with that
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: ?!?!?!?
AdamBeWorkin: babe - the roller coaster i've been on the last 24 hours
AdamBeWorkin: jeeeeeeeeeeesus
Palauragain: :)
Palauragain: and this is only day 1
AdamBeWorkin: well that whole thing is done btw
AdamBeWorkin: we need to talk at some point before saturday
AdamBeWorkin: just for peace of mind
AdamBeWorkin: i feel like i've been through a tornado
Palauragain: <sigh>
AdamBeWorkin: what makes me happy though
AdamBeWorkin: is that even with doubts about me...
AdamBeWorkin: you still know what has to be done
Palauragain: yeah....
Palauragain: I know
Palauragain: what must be
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: with that situation...
Palauragain: and with us...
AdamBeWorkin: and with us...?
Palauragain: time will tell
AdamBeWorkin: i think you're making an exit strategy
AdamBeWorkin: to "play the field"
AdamBeWorkin: if you seperate from him
Palauragain: adam...
AdamBeWorkin: am i wrong?
Palauragain: I don't know if 'jumping' into something serious immediatly after is the right thing to do...
Palauragain: I've told u that before
AdamBeWorkin: what's the choice?
AdamBeWorkin: losing this?
AdamBeWorkin: i agree
Palauragain: I didnt say that
AdamBeWorkin: common sense says
AdamBeWorkin: that's stupid
Palauragain: I just want to take things 'slowly'
Palauragain: when it gets the that point...
Palauragain: after my marriage dissolves
Palauragain: whenever that may be
AdamBeWorkin: we had the opportunity to take things slowly
AdamBeWorkin: we chose not to
AdamBeWorkin: and am I supposed to be your "friend" when we see each other again?
Palauragain: we didnt have the opportunity!
AdamBeWorkin: am i not allowed to look at you like "that"?
Palauragain: how can u just 'turn off' that feeling now
Palauragain: ?
AdamBeWorkin: no SHIT
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: i agree you can't walk out of divorce court
AdamBeWorkin: and down the aisle
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: i have said up and down i want to date
AdamBeWorkin: but i have to have some re-assurance
AdamBeWorkin: that i'm not one of many dates
AdamBeWorkin: and you're just "seeing" what's out there
AdamBeWorkin: i have a feeling however
AdamBeWorkin: that that is what you're trying to do
AdamBeWorkin: and if that's the case
AdamBeWorkin: i can't go through all of this with you
AdamBeWorkin: while you date Alaur
Palauragain: not that I need to 'see what's out there...' but
AdamBeWorkin: or whomever
Palauragain: maybe I just need time by myself....
Palauragain: for a bit
Palauragain: 'soul searching?'
Palauragain: heh
Palauragain: <read that in an entry of yours>
AdamBeWorkin: then you connect with me when you're ready for more
AdamBeWorkin: period
AdamBeWorkin: what would you do from my persepctive?
Palauragain: I see you've written a few more <locked> entries....
AdamBeWorkin: AdamBeWorkin: what would you do from my persepctive?
Palauragain: adam, I adore you....
Palauragain: but i cant keep you "waiting around"
Palauragain: while I explore myself
Palauragain: thats selfish
Palauragain: and I just wouldn't expect you too
Palauragain: but think about being "me" for a minute
Palauragain: bouncing from one long relationship..to another...which leads to marriage
Palauragain: and never having time inbetween
Palauragain: to be 'just me'
AdamBeWorkin: which will have to include other people...
AdamBeWorkin: you know that
AdamBeWorkin: i will still contest you've been single and "just you" for 2 1/2 years
AdamBeWorkin: but you have to do what you feel here
Palauragain: not entirely true
Palauragain: I have given up stuff to be with him
Palauragain: I have passed on job opportinities
Palauragain: to please him
Palauragain: I've been 'held back'
Palauragain: for sooo long, it feels
Palauragain: from my ex ****...to ****...
Palauragain: and I'd just hate to have that happene again
AdamBeWorkin: babe - this all makes sense
AdamBeWorkin: when you're not with me
AdamBeWorkin: on paper
AdamBeWorkin: (or LCD)
AdamBeWorkin: you are dead on
AdamBeWorkin: your family and friends would tell you the same thing
Palauragain: right...
AdamBeWorkin: and you know what I'm going to say next
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: when you are with me...
Palauragain: tell...
AdamBeWorkin: those things aren't acceptable
AdamBeWorkin: because the risk of losing this...
AdamBeWorkin: which i think is one in a million
AdamBeWorkin: isn't worth that
AdamBeWorkin: but, the bottom line is - i can't always be with you
AdamBeWorkin: and 9 times out of 10
Palauragain: <or for you...one in four>
Palauragain: ;)
Palauragain: i'm only playing....
Palauragain: 9 times out of 10..?
Palauragain: <ehhhhh, either working or I pissed him off again>
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: ...?
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: no comment?
Palauragain: nothing further to talk about...?
Palauragain: or are you honestly just busy?
AdamBeWorkin: i'm not busy
Palauragain: then please talk
AdamBeWorkin: your flippancy floors me
Palauragain: it's called sarcasm
Palauragain: and I will stop
Palauragain: if you want me to
Palauragain: Adaaaaaaaam!!
Palauragain: come on...
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: <sigh>
Palauragain: talk?
Palauragain: please?
Palauragain: continue?
AdamBeWorkin: ...
AdamBeWorkin: i'm
AdamBeWorkin: why don't you see the seriousness of this to me
AdamBeWorkin: why can't you see this from my perspective
Palauragain: I DO!!!!
AdamBeWorkin: you ARE 1 in a million to me
Palauragain: I CAN!!
Palauragain: I BELIEVE YOU!!
AdamBeWorkin: well as I said before
AdamBeWorkin: this feels so fragile
AdamBeWorkin: because you are willing to sacrifice it
AdamBeWorkin: because it seems "right" to "find yourself" afterwards
Palauragain: I'm not willing!!!!
Palauragain: I just want to be sure
AdamBeWorkin: ok
Palauragain: that I am 100% ready
Palauragain: to give myself to you
Palauragain: after going thru what will be
AdamBeWorkin: i dont expect that
Palauragain: the most PAINFUL thing in my life
AdamBeWorkin: i seriously dont
AdamBeWorkin: i said i want to date
AdamBeWorkin: i would want you to seperate from him
AdamBeWorkin: and move in with someone for several months
AdamBeWorkin: or until we felt that was just stupid
Palauragain: of course
Palauragain: take things slower....
AdamBeWorkin: i would want a goddamn DAY with you
AdamBeWorkin: to fucking laugh
Palauragain: we have!!!
AdamBeWorkin: no
Palauragain: spent multiple hours
AdamBeWorkin: we haven't
Palauragain: laughing together
AdamBeWorkin: yes - but there's always a clock
AdamBeWorkin: babe - we're perfect
AdamBeWorkin: so we can make the best
Palauragain: of course there is
AdamBeWorkin: out of a few hours
Palauragain: and there will be as long as i'm married - u know that
AdamBeWorkin: yup
AdamBeWorkin: well - not exactly
Palauragain: ?
AdamBeWorkin: we could've had saturday
AdamBeWorkin: or sunday last weekend
Palauragain: still - with a CLOCK
AdamBeWorkin: but there will be other times
AdamBeWorkin: hell no
AdamBeWorkin: with no clock!
Palauragain: YES!
AdamBeWorkin: NO!
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: rofl
Palauragain: I'd have to have been home
AdamBeWorkin: my point is
Palauragain: by some POINT Adam!!
AdamBeWorkin: WELL YES
AdamBeWorkin: and we're gonna DIE
Palauragain: to answer the house line!!!!!!!!!!!!
AdamBeWorkin: so there's ANOTHER CLOCK
Palauragain: when he called, right?!?!?
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: always a clock
Palauragain: <sigh>
AdamBeWorkin: hahah
AdamBeWorkin: no i meant
AdamBeWorkin: had you gotten there at like 10 AM...
AdamBeWorkin: for example
AdamBeWorkin: that's a day babe
AdamBeWorkin: that's a day to go eat
Palauragain: <like we do that anyways>
Palauragain: heh
AdamBeWorkin: well
AdamBeWorkin: and just be
AdamBeWorkin: you know what i mean
AdamBeWorkin: let's get this down sweetie
Palauragain: I undertand....
AdamBeWorkin: i mean to the T
AdamBeWorkin: so you understand what I'm expecting
Palauragain: over IMs?
AdamBeWorkin: and what I need from you now
Palauragain: yes...
AdamBeWorkin: over the IM
AdamBeWorkin: on the phone
AdamBeWorkin: whatever
AdamBeWorkin: whew
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: exhausted?
AdamBeWorkin: I would expect in the pretty near future that you seperate from him
AdamBeWorkin: move in with a friend
AdamBeWorkin: whatever
AdamBeWorkin: that you make that stand
Palauragain: mmhmmmm
AdamBeWorkin: because that's the only one
AdamBeWorkin: he'll EVER hear
Palauragain: I can tell you...
Palauragain: he WON'T let this go easily...
Palauragain: without a HUGE fight
Palauragain: he doesn't give up
AdamBeWorkin: of course
Palauragain: his faith/personality won't let him
AdamBeWorkin: right
AdamBeWorkin: that's fine
Palauragain: I told you already...
AdamBeWorkin: but you could tell him the truth
AdamBeWorkin: and well...
Palauragain: he WOULDN'T let me leave in Dec.
AdamBeWorkin: but that's your decision
AdamBeWorkin: bullshit
AdamBeWorkin: if you wanted to
AdamBeWorkin: the next trip he took
Palauragain: he BLOCKED the door Adam!!!
AdamBeWorkin: you could've left
Palauragain: I mean, WTF!?!
AdamBeWorkin: right?
Palauragain: in December
AdamBeWorkin: the next trip you could've left
AdamBeWorkin: right?
Palauragain: I am NOT a pussy
Palauragain: I'm NOT gonna just bail
Palauragain: when hes out of town
AdamBeWorkin: oh that's a pussy?
Palauragain: and take the EASY way out
AdamBeWorkin: when do you think it's gonna happen?
AdamBeWorkin: you think it's gonna happen with him there?
Palauragain: that shows lack of respect
Palauragain: we can discuss it while he's here
AdamBeWorkin: yeah you can discuss it
Palauragain: and I can pack when he's at work if need be
AdamBeWorkin: fair enough
Palauragain: I just can't do it when he's gone...
AdamBeWorkin: fair enough
Palauragain: and he'd KILL me if I took the dog
Palauragain: what a fight that would be, ehhhh
Palauragain: \anyway...
AdamBeWorkin: i just don't want to hear you say a body standing in front of a doorway is your obstacle to the rest of your life
Palauragain: NO!
AdamBeWorkin: ok
Palauragain: that was ONE instance
AdamBeWorkin: glad we're getting this out
AdamBeWorkin: :-)
Palauragain: he BLOCKED the door
Palauragain: I calmed down
Palauragain: and we talked
Palauragain: for hours...
AdamBeWorkin: k
AdamBeWorkin: we're off the subject here
AdamBeWorkin: heh
Palauragain: and the situation lessened...
Palauragain: oooh
AdamBeWorkin: oooh?
AdamBeWorkin: ...
AdamBeWorkin: were you just touched?
Palauragain: my stomach is hurting
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: ahh
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: let me continue this
AdamBeWorkin: so as i said
AdamBeWorkin: this is all i'm expecting
Palauragain: I need to eat...soon
AdamBeWorkin: me too
Palauragain: go on...
AdamBeWorkin: that you have to seperate at some point
AdamBeWorkin: and start that phase
AdamBeWorkin: the horrible phase
AdamBeWorkin: the fighting
AdamBeWorkin: visiting your mom
AdamBeWorkin: all that shit
Palauragain: ya..
AdamBeWorkin: the seperation papers
AdamBeWorkin: it's a process
AdamBeWorkin: and it's hard
AdamBeWorkin: and you will need my support as a friend
AdamBeWorkin: i would HOPE you would
Palauragain: yes
AdamBeWorkin: our connection is so strong
AdamBeWorkin: that i have no problem
AdamBeWorkin: being there for you through all of that
Palauragain: k...
AdamBeWorkin: even if you need to go to vegas for 3 weeks
AdamBeWorkin: and lose it at home
AdamBeWorkin: i understand, probably more than you even do,
AdamBeWorkin: all the emotions
Palauragain: yes...
AdamBeWorkin: you are about to go through
Palauragain: because u have been there
Palauragain: I never have
AdamBeWorkin: yes
AdamBeWorkin: but
AdamBeWorkin: i have to be part of your life
AdamBeWorkin: we have to be able to see each other from time to time
AdamBeWorkin: throughout all this
AdamBeWorkin: our relationship will require some work
AdamBeWorkin: to maintain
AdamBeWorkin: and i'm the most understanding man on the PLANET
AdamBeWorkin: but will need to know that you VALUE this
AdamBeWorkin: enough to sustain it
AdamBeWorkin: throughout
Palauragain: I believe that...
Palauragain: f*ck babe boss is calling
Palauragain: I have to go
AdamBeWorkin: k
Palauragain: can I call u later?
AdamBeWorkin: can you call at lunch?
AdamBeWorkin: please....
Palauragain: I wont be able to talk about this though
Palauragain: in front ofpeople
AdamBeWorkin: that's fine
Palauragain: k..gotta go
AdamBeWorkin: i just have to hear you at some point
AdamBeWorkin: k
Palauragain: bye!
Palauragain: hey
Palauragain: maybe i can call
Palauragain: on my ride home
Palauragain: so we can actually talk?
AdamBeWorkin: well that too obviously
AdamBeWorkin: just try to get in contact with me

(sigh) You have to admit I didn't back down. I was obviously PISSED and let her know that. Is everything all peachy keen now? NO. I can't go 24 hours without second-guessing anything. It's absolutely nauseating. I hope that fact gives you guys an insight as to just how incredible it is when we're together. No sane person would put up with this, especially considering the parallels to Palaur and the fact that Jess is so recent, unless it wasn't the most incredible connection.
She called that night and it was great to hear her voice. It's funny, she always hits me with some witty comment that immediately puts her on a different level. My generation has always struck me as "quicker" than most. The MTV Generation has a sense of humor and a delivery that is so fast and biting. It's like you know you can joke with someone else your age in an almost crude manner because they grew up just like you. She isn't crude - but she alludes to random things between us so matter of factly sometimes and it just catches me off-guard. What I'm basically trying to say is I'm fucking in love with her. Did I make that clear? LOL. We agreed to meet on Saturday as she had an appointment in the valley and Pat (hell I might as well just use Palaur names - lol) didn't get home until later. A PUBLIC place mind you...
The next day at work was awesome. I so thought it was Thursday until halfway to work and all the sudden I realized it was Friday. It made my fucking DAY. I was on cloud nine. It's the little things in life huh? So we talked about stupid shit in the morning until I brought up her time-frame on Saturday. We ended up having one of the best conversations ever. Not necessarily good for us - but as far as reading it later? The end fucking rules. You can feel the tension - the emotion... she told me later that even she saved this. It's some good shit:
AdamBeWorkin: k so when do you need to be back home saturday?
Palauragain: ummm, dont know his schedule
Palauragain: p*** no later than 7
AdamBeWorkin: got it
AdamBeWorkin: well that helps
Palauragain: cause we are going boarding
Palauragain: early on sunday
AdamBeWorkin: awesome
Palauragain: want to get to bed at a reasonable hour
AdamBeWorkin: how was last night?
Palauragain: very good actually....
AdamBeWorkin: do tell...
Palauragain: we watched SP, palyed with Oz...and got high and laughed at stupid shit
Palauragain: hehe
Palauragain: *played with
Palauragain: then he even blowdried my hair
Palauragain: <which, normally I have to beg him a zillion times to do>
Palauragain: then we went to bed
Palauragain: and he woke up early this morning
Palauragain: and made me coffee
Palauragain: <not the usual routine> lol
Palauragain: nice surprise...
Palauragain: anyway
AdamBeWorkin: anyway...
Palauragain: no thoughts?
AdamBeWorkin: of course i have thoughts
AdamBeWorkin: and you know what they are
AdamBeWorkin: no need to say things 500 times!
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: he's just trying to 'make up' for being gone alot
Palauragain: sure this nice guy routine wont last forever...
AdamBeWorkin: i have a feeling you're going to wait for this "magical moment" your mom described
AdamBeWorkin: for a loooooooooooooooooooong time
Palauragain: why do u say that?
Palauragain: "looooong time"?
AdamBeWorkin: just an instinct i guess
AdamBeWorkin: the "itch" to stop wasting your time...
AdamBeWorkin: could be years away
Palauragain: I don't know...
AdamBeWorkin: if you don't feel it now...
Palauragain: if only every night could be as cool as last night
AdamBeWorkin: after all you've experienced
Palauragain: but they aren't
AdamBeWorkin: Alaur - life is never like that
Palauragain: we can laugh together...
Palauragain: we have shit in common
Palauragain: just, as I said a million times
AdamBeWorkin: right it's comfortable...
Palauragain: "Not a common vision for life!"
AdamBeWorkin: right but you know that...
AdamBeWorkin: yet - you're cool being comfortable
AdamBeWorkin: it's fun
AdamBeWorkin: that itch hits around 29
AdamBeWorkin: when you start REALLY freaking out
Palauragain: comfort is well...comforting...
Palauragain: I don't know when the 'itch' will happen
Palauragain: I mean, it's happened in the past
Palauragain: but I had no real motivation to leave him then
AdamBeWorkin: if it isn't killing you after me
AdamBeWorkin: if there's no motivation to deal after us...
AdamBeWorkin: whew
AdamBeWorkin: it'll be awhile babe
Palauragain: Adam...before, when we would fight
Palauragain: the big fights
Palauragain: I'd want to leave...but couldnt imagine my life without him...
Palauragain: he would stop me from going
Palauragain: and we'd talk about things...
Palauragain: over and over and over
Palauragain: now...
Palauragain: next time a 'real' fight occurs
Palauragain: I have...well....
Palauragain: more of a 'reason'
AdamBeWorkin: that's what I have always meant about
Palauragain: to leave
AdamBeWorkin: the type of woman that will be my soul mate
Palauragain: b/c I know their is more out there for me
AdamBeWorkin: you know what you want - and you take it
Palauragain: yes...
AdamBeWorkin: you don't wait when you know
AdamBeWorkin: so your approach
AdamBeWorkin: is different than mine would be
Palauragain: Adam...I love him
Palauragain: alot
Palauragain: it's hard
AdamBeWorkin: when i knew there was no "future" for Jess
Palauragain: very very hard
AdamBeWorkin: who i loved DEARLY
AdamBeWorkin: still do
AdamBeWorkin: i love her so much
Palauragain: ya, but you were togther for HOW LONG???
AdamBeWorkin: but i wasn't going to waste
AdamBeWorkin: one MINUTE
AdamBeWorkin: when that happened?
AdamBeWorkin: married for 3 years
Palauragain: not true
AdamBeWorkin: not true?
Palauragain: <~~married less than 3 yrs
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: because u said..
AdamBeWorkin: why does it matter?
Palauragain: u guys 'knew' their was no future
Palauragain: awhile back
Palauragain: YET...
Palauragain: u still STAYED TOGETHER
AdamBeWorkin: ?
AdamBeWorkin: ?
Palauragain: for months...
AdamBeWorkin: because we couldn't AFFORD to move OUT
Palauragain: you told me
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: no no
Palauragain: more than that
AdamBeWorkin: but we talked about it
Palauragain: I think
AdamBeWorkin: immediately
Palauragain: but u still
AdamBeWorkin: and had NO reason other than that
Palauragain: tried to work things out!
AdamBeWorkin: of course
Palauragain: SEE!?!?
AdamBeWorkin: yeah but we talked
AdamBeWorkin: you will avoid that
Palauragain: how so??
Palauragain: we have talked
AdamBeWorkin: Alaur
Palauragain: I cant tell u how many times
AdamBeWorkin: seriously
AdamBeWorkin: after what's happened to you the past 2 weeks
Palauragain: December was the last time
AdamBeWorkin: to not feel the need to sit his ass down and say - we REALLY need to figure this out
AdamBeWorkin: is glaring to me
Palauragain: Addddddam - you are making this REALLY hard for me
AdamBeWorkin: no i'm not babe!
Palauragain: YES
AdamBeWorkin: I'm just saying
Palauragain: I have to go now
AdamBeWorkin: i couldn't do what you did last night...
AdamBeWorkin: that's all
Palauragain: how not???
Palauragain: you still LOVE that person
AdamBeWorkin: because i'd feel like i was wasting his time
Palauragain: RESPECT them
AdamBeWorkin: right
Palauragain: have FUN with them
AdamBeWorkin: so you tell them the truth
Palauragain: how NOT!?!?
AdamBeWorkin: that's resepctful...
Palauragain: TRUTH ABOUT WHAT?!?!?
AdamBeWorkin: about HOW YOU FEEL
Palauragain: what do u WANT me to say???
Palauragain: huh????
AdamBeWorkin: to him?
Palauragain: I HAVE!
Palauragain: YES
Palauragain: to him!
AdamBeWorkin: that you have feelings that dont include him
AdamBeWorkin: you are imagining a life without him
AdamBeWorkin: you're unhappy
Palauragain: but I do have feelings for him!
Palauragain: deep ones
AdamBeWorkin: of course!
Palauragain: thats not all true
AdamBeWorkin: but are you gonna have a family with him?
Palauragain: I'm not 100% unhappy
Palauragain: I'm not 100% happy either
Palauragain: family is not in my mind right now
AdamBeWorkin: right - that's why i'm saying
Palauragain: and when we have discussed family
AdamBeWorkin: you will be comfortable...
Palauragain: we agree to hold off
Palauragain: b/c of jobs
AdamBeWorkin: because you see no reason to tell him about me
Palauragain: what do u want me to do right now?!?!?
AdamBeWorkin: or about your feelings
AdamBeWorkin: Alaur...the truth
AdamBeWorkin: the absolute truth
Palauragain: tell him about what happened with you and I???
AdamBeWorkin: is that you were so unhappy
AdamBeWorkin: that you found the attention elsewhere
Palauragain: <sigh>
AdamBeWorkin: that is the truth
Palauragain: I can't deal with this right now
AdamBeWorkin: if you regret it now...
Palauragain: I have to go
AdamBeWorkin: don't run Alaur
AdamBeWorkin: i'm not being unfair
Palauragain: I can't let this affect my work right now
AdamBeWorkin: i'm trying to help you
AdamBeWorkin: calm down
Palauragain: this is the wrong time to discuss this
AdamBeWorkin: please
AdamBeWorkin: listen to me for a second
Palauragain: can't
AdamBeWorkin: all i'm saying is
Palauragain: I'm going to lunch
AdamBeWorkin: your actions say something
AdamBeWorkin: that you don't want to hear
Palauragain: YES I KNOW THAT
Palauragain: I FUKKED UP
Palauragain: I ADMIT IT
AdamBeWorkin: ouch
Palauragain: I shouldnt have been earching on the fukken internet
AdamBeWorkin: Goodbye Alaur
Palauragain: that I would CLICK with
AdamBeWorkin: and you'll never understand the connection...
Palauragain: SOOO DAMN MUCH
AdamBeWorkin: because we did more than click
Palauragain: My intentions were HARMLESS
Palauragain: I KNOW Adam!
Palauragain: I know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AdamBeWorkin: but i'm a fuck up
AdamBeWorkin: calllllllllm down sweetie
Palauragain: I dont know how to handle al lthis right now
AdamBeWorkin: just breath
Palauragain: my feelings for you
Palauragain: were NOT supposed to happen
Palauragain: they JUST DID
AdamBeWorkin: then give him everything you can
Palauragain: I can't
AdamBeWorkin: and forget about how we feel
AdamBeWorkin: when we're together
Palauragain: forget it??
AdamBeWorkin: because it'll only hurt you
AdamBeWorkin: well you're gonna need to
Palauragain: just like that?
Palauragain: impossible
AdamBeWorkin: what's your choice?
AdamBeWorkin: go back and forth?
Palauragain: I don't know right now
Palauragain: look
Palauragain: I'm all flustred right now
Palauragain: I can't be like this now
Palauragain: at work
AdamBeWorkin: ok
Palauragain: let me go to lunch
AdamBeWorkin: i'm soooooooo sorry
Palauragain: and deal with my emotions
Palauragain: and i'll talk to u later on
AdamBeWorkin: k
AdamBeWorkin: babe
AdamBeWorkin: i care about you
AdamBeWorkin: a lot
AdamBeWorkin: you will always mean so much to me
AdamBeWorkin: always
Palauragain: ...
AdamBeWorkin: this connection won't break
AdamBeWorkin: in a day
AdamBeWorkin: a week
AdamBeWorkin: or a month
AdamBeWorkin: any moment we EVER see each other
AdamBeWorkin: and look into each other's eyes
AdamBeWorkin: we will be there
AdamBeWorkin: instantly
AdamBeWorkin: so if you have to run from it
AdamBeWorkin: for now
AdamBeWorkin: because it's too hard
AdamBeWorkin: then do what you need to do
AdamBeWorkin: give him EVERY opportunity
AdamBeWorkin: hell - if you seperate DATE EVERYONE you can
AdamBeWorkin: but if you look up...
AdamBeWorkin: and you're still unfulfilled
AdamBeWorkin: just let me know
AdamBeWorkin: ok?
AdamBeWorkin: what baby....
AdamBeWorkin: i am only fucking you up more
Palauragain: so many questions....
Palauragain: so few answers...
Palauragain: I have to go now Adam...
Palauragain: we'll talk soon
AdamBeWorkin: i have to go now too
AdamBeWorkin: go
Palauragain: k...
Palauragain: bye
AdamBeWorkin: bye

Wow. I think the part where she says she has to go to lunch and then just goes "I FUKKED UP" "I ADMIT IT" - awesome. I don't mean to make light of it because we were both in pain, but as a reader - I want to see a little more of that shit huh! Come on guys break each other's hearts!!! We need some ACTION!
Well after this I went to lunch and just sat there. I knew I had to let go. I was hurting her more. She couldn't do this with my constant interference I just HAD to cut it off. We decided to meet in the Denny's parking lot again because it's right on her way home. I was ready to just give her a kiss and say call me whenever this is DONE. She needed to talk to him NOW and deal with this.
As I started with the "talk to him" monologue she just went off: "WHY? IT'S THE SAME SHIT WE TALKED ABOUT BEFORE! And the time before THAT, and the TIME BEFORE THAT." I looked at her like she was CRAZY. I finally replied - THEN LEAVE. You can't have this both ways. You have to give the guy another chance, and the way you do that is by telling him - I'M UN-FUCKING-HAPPY and you NEED to deal with this shit NOW.
...but you know what - she completely sucker-punched me. I was in love with her from sentence 2. Here was a woman who KNEW WHAT SHE HAD TO DO, she was just scared. She beat me to the punch every time. This wasn't Laura - I wasn't pumping her up, she was just scattered and said "GIVE ME TIME". And in all honesty, two weeks ago - I didn't even KNOW this woman existed, so I knew I just had to be patient. I had to. She asked for time, she promised me she would talk to him this weekend. She knew she had to, she wasn't going to fuck around. And with that, I was reeled in again. Everyone: "Just when I think I'm out...they pulllll me back in." I got out of my car and fell on top of the roof of my car. I was completely exhausted. I went into Denny's and drank coffee and felt old. It felt like the absolute world was on my shoulders.
Which, it is. Guys, something tells me that this is going to make Palaur look like the quickest 9 1/2 weeks ever. But what do you do? I have to see it through and do all I can to allow the "truth" to come out. I just hope I don't lose my mind in the process. I'll talk to her tomorrow about the Gypsy thing. 'Cause honestly, that might be where I can distance myself from her - because I have to stay in LA or New York. If she has to go spend time all over the world... then we're doomed to begin with - but something tells me there's a compromise in here that will allow this to go on and on and on....
Hey, at least I'm smiling...and writing cool songs. ;-)