locked until 04.30.05 
8:50 PM, Wednesday, April 13th 2005:
The following two back to back days are classic Palaur legend rolled into the quickest amount of time. I  mean I must admit, this one sure doesn't fuck around does it?
So we talked Monday night and Tuesday morning. It was beautiful and loving. Nothing I liked better than hearing her as I went to sleep and hearing her as I awoke. It looked like we'd finally have the lunch we had tried to set-up for days the previous week:
Palauragain: hey!
Adambeworkin: i know i know
Adambeworkin: lol
Adambeworkin: goddamn piano tuner was an hour late
Adambeworkin: couldn't work out
Adambeworkin: and was late for work
Palauragain: haha
Adambeworkin: and he didnt fix DICK
Palauragain: after all that??
Adambeworkin: grrrrr
Adambeworkin: yeah
Adambeworkin: please tell me you have pleasant news
Palauragain: 'pleasant'?
Palauragain: haha
Palauragain: hmmmm
Adambeworkin: as in the opposite of
Adambeworkin: i'm not eating today
Adambeworkin: so you'll never see me again
Adambeworkin: lol
Adambeworkin: :-)
Adambeworkin: ;-)
Adambeworkin: :-8
Adambeworkin: hmmm - i need more quizical faces
Adambeworkin: :-/
Adambeworkin: ======D~~~
Adambeworkin: now ya see, that there is what we did back in the day - to make the girls go "ewww"
Adambeworkin: ;-)
Palauragain: sorry...damn
Palauragain: people are CRAZY
Palauragain: men in particular
Adambeworkin: watch it
Adambeworkin: i've been told i'm a man
Palauragain: man...so....last night at the gym...
Palauragain: this guy who I see almost all the time
Palauragain: came over
Palauragain: started talking
Palauragain: introduced himself blah blah
Palauragain: I was nice, shook his hand, said 'hello' and went back to my workout
Adambeworkin: right
Palauragain: he proceeded to ask what I did for a living, blah blah...
Palauragain: I said I work in commercial real estate
Palauragain: and my name was Alaur
Palauragain: THATS IT!
Palauragain: so...
Adambeworkin: well you obviously tried to fuck him
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: I get a call right now!
Palauragain: shut up!!!
Palauragain: he tracked me down.......!!!!!!!!
Palauragain: called the receptionist
Adambeworkin: wait
Adambeworkin: that's scary as fuck
Palauragain: she transferred his cal lto me
Adambeworkin: he should at least wait until he sees you again
Adambeworkin: and ask for your #
Palauragain: I answered "This is *****"
Adambeworkin: christ
Palauragain: NO SHIT!!!
Palauragain: he said "Hi, this is ****, remember me?"
Palauragain: I was sooo caught off guard
Palauragain: I didnt know who it was at first
Palauragain: then he said "from the gym...:"
Adambeworkin: wow - was that just right now
Adambeworkin: wow - it must be a sign
Adambeworkin: go for it
Adambeworkin: lololololol
Adambeworkin: what did you tell him?
Palauragain: Call EVERY SINGLE real estate comapny in West LA??!?!
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: and ask for a "Alaur"!?!?!?
Palauragain: I know I laugh now..but thats kinda weird
Adambeworkin: KINDA?
Adambeworkin: so what did you say?
Palauragain: said he wanted to 'take me for coffee and talk business'
Palauragain: I said "I really dont know my schedule right now, I'll have to get back with you'
Palauragain: He said "Ok, see you at the gym"
Adambeworkin: you should have said - if i wanted you to call me i would have given you my number
Adambeworkin: CLICK
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: No shit!
Adambeworkin: but, well - i might be a bit biased
Palauragain: I was just completely caught OFF GUARD
Adambeworkin: i mean, that's pretty stupid aggressive
Adambeworkin: i've walked that thin line of stalker in my day
Adambeworkin: but you don't track someone down
Adambeworkin: who didn't give you their #
Adambeworkin: and expect them to be anything but freaked out
Palauragain: no kidding..not the best impression to make right off
Palauragain: usually I work out with my friend *****
Adambeworkin: yeah - but he got you when you're thinking about business opportunities
Palauragain: so guys leave me alone
Adambeworkin: ahh
Adambeworkin: good call
Palauragain: but last night I worked out alone
Palauragain: so...I guess I was fair game?
Palauragain: lol
Adambeworkin: is that why you were so late?!?!!?!
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: shooooosh!
Adambeworkin: ....
Adambeworkin: so...
Palauragain: I just told *****
Adambeworkin: still there?
Palauragain: ya, he's giving me 'advice' on the situation...
Adambeworkin: <rolling eyes>
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: hehe
Adambeworkin: $10 it involves him
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: hahahaaha
Adambeworkin: gimme an eta on lunch babe
Palauragain: man, I really need GIRLfriends....
Adambeworkin: that was my advicec
Palauragain: my 'guy buddies' are waaaaay too biased on their opinions
Palauragain: lol
Adambeworkin: but i thought i'd let you figure that out
Palauragain: know any cool girls my age?
Palauragain: heh
Adambeworkin: ...
Palauragain: is that a no'?
Palauragain: you must work with alot of chicks
Adambeworkin: scroll up
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: I don't
Adambeworkin: eta on lunch
Adambeworkin: lol
Adambeworkin: and yeah - i could help you there
Palauragain: ahhhhhh
Palauragain: no eta as of yet
Palauragain: introduce me to cool girls?
Palauragain: no younger than 26 please
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: then they are downright immature
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: <not that I am miss maturity all the time>
Palauragain: <Ms. Pac Man!!!>
Adambeworkin: LOL
Adambeworkin: what was biased about *****'s advice?
Adambeworkin: i just assumed he would say you guys should work out more often
Adambeworkin: lol
Adambeworkin: and he was sorry he wasn't there for you
Palauragain: pretty much!!!
Palauragain: hahaha
Adambeworkin: he'll make sure that doesn't happen again
Adambeworkin: what's he look like?
Palauragain: he did say next time some guy tries to hit on me at the gym...
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: he'll walk up and put his arm around me and give me a big kiss
Adambeworkin: well how nice of him
Palauragain: retard
Palauragain: whats who look like?
Adambeworkin: no i assumed that's what ***** asked
Adambeworkin: about the **** guy
Adambeworkin: what's he look like...
Adambeworkin: so he could "run into him"
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: he knows who he is
Adambeworkin: oh
Adambeworkin: hah
Palauragain: cause **** is always there
Adambeworkin: the gym is so the bar of the 21st century
Palauragain: it really is....
Palauragain: I should join an all-womans gym
Adambeworkin: now i'd pay to see that
Adambeworkin: sorry
Adambeworkin: being a boy
Adambeworkin: ahem
Palauragain: hee
Adambeworkin: nothing worse than this morning though
Adambeworkin: cute teenage girl had a crush on me as a teacher
Adambeworkin: if that's not a penthouse forum waiting to happen
Adambeworkin: goddaaaaaaaaaaaaamn
Palauragain: hahahahhaha
Adambeworkin: hey you want that link?
Palauragain: what link?
Adambeworkin: actually - i dont want to keep you from work
Adambeworkin: cause i REALLY want to see you
Adambeworkin: and have more than 15 minutes
Adambeworkin: the link to that first entry about us
Adambeworkin: with the first IM
Adambeworkin: man are you still talkin' to jesse
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: yeah...work related this time
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: send me the link
Palauragain: I would love to read all that
Adambeworkin: it's not gonna make you late?
Adambeworkin: ok
Palauragain: late?
Adambeworkin: i dont want to keep you from EATING LUNCH
Adambeworkin: http://4tvs.com/Journey/yearsix/entries/J402-040405.html
Adambeworkin: by taking up all your time now
Adambeworkin: and then you're all BUSY
Adambeworkin: heh
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: "pussy precedence"""
Palauragain: hahaha
Adambeworkin: lol
Adambeworkin: rule of thumb for all men
Palauragain: "And yes, some guys are pretty impressive"
Palauragain: hahahah
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: "http://www.myspace.com/nowayimpostingthison4tvs.com "
Palauragain: HAHAHA
Adambeworkin: boy I'm just a barrel of laughs with you aren't i?
Palauragain: I swear....still reading...
Palauragain: "Minialaur: i'm just looking for new friends....
Minialaur: so dont get the wrong idea "
Palauragain: lol
Adambeworkin: heh
Palauragain: "Adam4tvs: i dont want to jump around and dance "
Palauragain: "At one point she actually twirled her hair while laughing – I mean was she trying to pick me up? "
Palauragain: heheheh
Adambeworkin: i'm reading too btw
Palauragain: lol...still reading
Adambeworkin: man - that's a good entry
Palauragain: I am away from my computer right now.
Palauragain: it really is...
Palauragain: man
Adambeworkin: can't wait to hear what happens next huh!??!?!
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: hee hee hee
Palauragain: that's crazy
Adambeworkin: what
Palauragain: it's so amazing to keep a record of all your thoughts
Palauragain: I'm sure you read thru the olf entries
Palauragain: *old
Adambeworkin: some i can
Adambeworkin: some i cant
Palauragain: and truly think...wow!
Adambeworkin: some are so painful
Palauragain: time will heal
Adambeworkin: but it's a great way to learn about yourself
Adambeworkin: but you knew everything i said in that entry though... right?
Adambeworkin: or was it just different to see it in print?
Palauragain: I knew...you told me...wild to see it in writing though
Adambeworkin: well rest assured it's safe
Adambeworkin: no one can read it (it was locked at the time)
Adambeworkin: and obviously every name is changed
Adambeworkin: i'm reading the 2nd one right now
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: 2nd one?
Palauragain: hehe
Adambeworkin: what do you need to do to get to lunch
Adambeworkin: lol
Adambeworkin: i dont want to waste all your time
Adambeworkin: READING about us
Adambeworkin: when we could be seeing each other
Palauragain: hee
Palauragain: I love reading though....
Palauragain: all your thoughts
Palauragain: brb babe
Adambeworkin: i feel like I'm talking to Michael Jackson
Adambeworkin: hee hee
Adambeworkin: OW!
Palauragain: MJ??
Palauragain: how do u figure?
Adambeworkin: hee hee
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: ooooh
Palauragain: "smart" - ass
Adambeworkin: i'm gonna drive you crazy here
Adambeworkin: but I'm going to start driving at noon
Adambeworkin: lol
Adambeworkin: cause it will take 45 minutes either way
Palauragain: it is noon sweetie....
Adambeworkin: oh
Adambeworkin: i thought it was 11:51
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: my comp says 11:59
Palauragain: lol
Adambeworkin: my phone says 12:01
Adambeworkin: heh
Palauragain: sh*t....soooo busy all the sudden
Adambeworkin: (sigh)
Adambeworkin: i dont want to miss you today - because it's gonna be awhile
Palauragain: I got an appt!
Palauragain: yipppppeeee
Adambeworkin: you rule
Adambeworkin: lemme guess - it's a lunch appt
Adambeworkin: rofl
Palauragain: not for today, silly...
Adambeworkin: ;)
Adambeworkin: so...
Palauragain: so... <sorry, crazy busy all the sudden>
Adambeworkin: k
Adambeworkin: call my cell when you have a chance
Adambeworkin: if there's any shot of me seeing you - i have to leave now
Adambeworkin: i'll be in your neck of the woods from 1 pm - 2:30 pm
Adambeworkin: ...
Palauragain: sorry babe, I am really busy
Palauragain: ehhhh
Adambeworkin: np
Adambeworkin: ehhhh?
Adambeworkin: 818-***-****
Adambeworkin: those assholes will let you eat at some point
Adambeworkin: lol
Adambeworkin: if you REALLY can't get out from 1 pm - 2:30 pm
Adambeworkin: just call me on my cell so i can turn around...
Adambeworkin: cool?
Palauragain: sweetie...please dont plan on me being available
Palauragain: I got in later this morning
Palauragain: thsi afternoon is nuts
Palauragain: I'm really beginning to hate this fukken line of work....
Adambeworkin: which is exactly why i didn't want to waste your time this morning
Adambeworkin: reading shit
Palauragain: ?
Adambeworkin: well i didn't want to waste your time
Adambeworkin: so now you're all backed up
Palauragain: no...I wasnt crazy busy right when I got in
Palauragain: things happen in spurts
Adambeworkin: oh
Palauragain: I have to finish 2 proposals today
Adambeworkin: so you're not gonna eat today?
Adambeworkin: this is only frustrating because of the symbolism of it all
Palauragain: prob walk across the street to Quiznos and bring it back to my desk
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: babe, I dont want u to drive out here
Palauragain: for 5 whole MINUTES
Adambeworkin: i know you dont
Adambeworkin: i've gathered that
Adambeworkin: it's just frustrating that you seem to have so much time every other damn day
Palauragain: so much time?
Adambeworkin: well yeah
Adambeworkin: running errands
Adambeworkin: long lunches
Adambeworkin: that's why we're in this business!!!
Adambeworkin: lol
Palauragain: it's all WORK related
Adambeworkin: i thought you said yesterday it wasn't!
Palauragain: 99% of the time
Palauragain: so it's cool
Palauragain: yesterday it was BANK
Palauragain: very important!
Adambeworkin: right right
Adambeworkin: they fucked you
Adambeworkin: lol
Adambeworkin: i swear all mortgage companies man
Adambeworkin: anyway - no biggie babe
Adambeworkin: i'll hit up subway or something
Adambeworkin: are you sure this isn't because you're concerned someone you work with might see us?
Palauragain: that really didnt cross my mind....
Palauragain: but now that u mention it....
Adambeworkin: (nice move Adam)
Palauragain: hmmmmm
Palauragain: they all know my husband
Palauragain: might appear a little strange...
Adambeworkin: there are other places to meet
Adambeworkin: but it doesnt matter
Adambeworkin: this was pretty much the only day
Adambeworkin: really...
Palauragain: :)
Palauragain: not 'only....'
Palauragain: brb sweetie....
Whew. I was having some difficulty with this one for sure. I just didn't...believe her. She was "away" for the rest of the day. I mean I'm sure the truth is just as feasible as a lie - but when there's all these little lies like the limiting time thing...it just plants doubt. I was pretty disgusted to tell you the truth. I left work around 4:30 pm, the earliest I think I've ever left. When I got home the moment I stepped out of my car, she called me and asked if I was gonna go back online. I said I was home and that I would...
Adam4tvs: boo
Palauragain: :-)
Palauragain: so...
Adam4tvs: so...
Palauragain: reading some more...
Palauragain: from yuor site
Palauragain: probably not the best idea
Palauragain: I mean, some of it was borderline porn
Palauragain: lol
Adam4tvs: ?
Adam4tvs: about us?
Palauragain: oooh no
Adam4tvs: so confused
Palauragain: earlier entries...
Adam4tvs: rather vague...
Palauragain: Palaur shit.....
Adam4tvs: (sigh)
Palauragain: hmmm
Palauragain: made me think a little
Adam4tvs: ...
Palauragain: just...
Palauragain: made me think
Palauragain: rather not discuss over IMs
Adam4tvs: you dont have that option
Adam4tvs: i need you to tell me the truth
Palauragain: well....
Palauragain: I almost get the feeling...
Palauragain: that the way u say you feel about me...
Palauragain: is nothing 'special'.....
Palauragain: :-\
Adam4tvs: if you want to compare when i was 21 to now, that is your right
Palauragain: i'm not comparing
Palauragain: just too many similarities
Palauragain: kind of weirded me out
Adam4tvs: you have lied to me
Palauragain: ?
Adam4tvs: on numerous occasions
Palauragain: ??
Adam4tvs: about why you were somewhere
Adam4tvs: why you couldn't be some places
Palauragain: I don't understand...
Palauragain: what this has to do...with what i'm saying
Adam4tvs: i'm trying to make a comparison
Adam4tvs: that you have had similarities to her
Adam4tvs: and it hasn't made me feel different
Adam4tvs: i believe we have that connection
Palauragain: so I see...........
Adam4tvs: but when you always tell half-truths
Adam4tvs: it makes me doubt even like today
Adam4tvs: because of the little lies on sunday
Adam4tvs: or the thursday before
Adam4tvs: that you actually didn't eat lunch today
Palauragain: of course I ate
Palauragain: for like 15 minutes
Adam4tvs: it's just seeds of doubt
Palauragain: I've been busy...
Palauragain: do u really want to throw that in my face??????
Adam4tvs: Babe, i believe that
Palauragain: whatever
Adam4tvs: my point it - with all the little things
Adam4tvs: that i've had to dig at you at
Adam4tvs: like limiting time with me sunday
Adam4tvs: when all you had to do was tell me the truth
Adam4tvs: adn i would have been fine with it
Adam4tvs: or on last thursday when you had to spend time with him
Adam4tvs: which i thought was a good move
Adam4tvs: yet i had to drag that out of you
Palauragain: fine...I'm a LIAR
Adam4tvs: you seem to not want to tell me the entire story
Adam4tvs: babe - i'm only repeating what you've told me
Palauragain: believe what u want
Adam4tvs: am i incorrect?
Adam4tvs: have you been 100% honest with me?
Adam4tvs: and because 7 years ago I was in love with someone else
Adam4tvs: and was HONEST then
Adam4tvs: i'm somehow not treating you special?
Palauragain: once again, probably not the best idea for me to read your shit
Palauragain: that's all
Adam4tvs: if you feel i am insincere....
Adam4tvs: i can't ...
Adam4tvs: change that
Adam4tvs: i've done everything i can possibly do
Adam4tvs: to show you
Adam4tvs: how much i care about you
Palauragain: i'm not gonna be a replay of your fuckin past
Palauragain: plain & simple
Adam4tvs: the problem is - you are
Adam4tvs: you are setting it up
Adam4tvs: so you can be
Adam4tvs: you're giving yourself an out
Adam4tvs: right now
Adam4tvs: to go back to your husband
Adam4tvs: and live happily ever after
Adam4tvs: because you're scared
Adam4tvs: ...
Adam4tvs: it seems as if you don't want to face your problems that I havef specifically brought up
Adam4tvs: and if you just tarnish the thought of me enough
Adam4tvs: you won't have to
Adam4tvs: am i off base here?
Adam4tvs: please respond Babe, i'm doing amazingly well tyring to type with how i feel right now
Palauragain: i'm so confused
Adam4tvs: just as it's unfair to base you off of what happened 7 years ago
Adam4tvs: you need to give me the same courtesy
Adam4tvs: this is 7 YEARS ago Babe
Palauragain: i'm not judging you off how u acted 7 years ago
Palauragain: but I can't be an EXACT replay
Palauragain: down to everything!
Adam4tvs: you haven't been
Adam4tvs: how do you think you have?
Palauragain: I read...
Palauragain: enough
Adam4tvs: well you obviously didn't
Adam4tvs: because it takes a tangent that changes everything
Adam4tvs: but are you saying because i felt the way i did about her
Adam4tvs: 7 years ago...
Adam4tvs: that i said the same things to you?
Palauragain: I really don't know at this point......
Adam4tvs: that i thought she needed me?
Adam4tvs: she did
Adam4tvs: you do
Adam4tvs: how can you do this to me Babe?
Adam4tvs: seriously
Adam4tvs: I've never lied to you
Adam4tvs: ever
Adam4tvs: i have never felt this before
Adam4tvs: this is different
Adam4tvs: you know that when you see me
Adam4tvs: i know that when i see you
Palauragain: I know how I feel
Adam4tvs: which is...
Palauragain: at the moment, very confused
Adam4tvs: because you think I'm insincere
Adam4tvs: since I've said similar things to someone else?
Palauragain: borderline EXACT
Palauragain: but...
Palauragain: even though I have not been 100% honest with u about things...
Palauragain: I know the way I feel towards you
Adam4tvs: ...
Palauragain: $!!
Palauragain: :-)
Palauragain: sorry...
Adam4tvs: whew
Adam4tvs: that was an unenjoyable 8 minutes
Palauragain: :-\
Adam4tvs: Palauragain: even though I have not been 100% honest with u about things...
Palauragain: I know the way I feel towards you
Adam4tvs: ...
Palauragain: yeah
Adam4tvs: ...
Adam4tvs: and what way is that?
Palauragain: I have felt stronger feelings for you in the shortest amount of time....than I have with anyone
Palauragain: and I just feel that...
Palauragain: you develop strong feelings with almost everyone u meet...fairly quickly
Adam4tvs: and because I'm an honest about that
Adam4tvs: i get to never se eyou again
Adam4tvs: and no, i have had 3 or 4 deep connections in my life
Adam4tvs: and have made them public
Adam4tvs: if they are the right people
Adam4tvs: you know right away
Adam4tvs: because i DONT play games
Palauragain: apparently they werent the 'right' people
Adam4tvs: to have connections with?
Adam4tvs: of course they were
Palauragain: or you would be with them now
Adam4tvs: no no no
Adam4tvs: my connection with jess is still there
Adam4tvs: we can't be married
Adam4tvs: my connection with laura would still be there
Adam4tvs: but she couldnt fight the catholic church
Adam4tvs: her family
Adam4tvs: i mean - you're talking extraordinary situations here
Palauragain: fine...
Palauragain: sorry
Palauragain: I'm just trying to 'figure things out'
Palauragain: figure you out...
Palauragain: a little better each day...
Palauragain: and reading entries.....
Palauragain: gives me waaaaay more insight
Adam4tvs: no it doesnt
Palauragain: I definetly have the upper hand where that is concerened
Adam4tvs: because you're not reading what is truly public
Adam4tvs: you're reading inner thoughts
Adam4tvs: if i knew your inner thoughts
Adam4tvs: i'd be a fucking madman
Palauragain: inner thoughts that u have made 'public'
Adam4tvs: because of this project called the journy
Adam4tvs: *journey
Palauragain: I know...
Palauragain: I understand
Adam4tvs: that i felt would help other people
Adam4tvs: who wanted to make it
Adam4tvs: see what it did to you
Adam4tvs: and I'm now regretting it more than i can tell you
Palauragain: no regrets
Adam4tvs: ?
Palauragain: it just opens my eyes up
Palauragain: ...a little
Adam4tvs: (sigh)
Adam4tvs: you've said enough
Adam4tvs: you've pretty much given yourself a reason to disregard everything i've ever said to you
Adam4tvs: and from now on, you will always second guess me
Adam4tvs: i am absolutely devastated that me being 100% honest
Adam4tvs: will end up making me lose you
Adam4tvs: but i cannot change the past
Adam4tvs: you don't know the hundreds of people i meet
Adam4tvs: everyday
Adam4tvs: or even date
Adam4tvs: that i feel nothing for
Adam4tvs: so many relationships
Adam4tvs: that dont get a "Website
Adam4tvs: "
Adam4tvs: yet you just assume I fall for people quickly
Adam4tvs: and you still won't type...
Palauragain: I really miss you Adam....
Adam4tvs: ????????????/
Adam4tvs: you just get through telling me you think i'm completely insincere
Adam4tvs: so what do you miss?
Palauragain: you
Palauragain: just...
Palauragain: you
Adam4tvs: can you please expound?
Adam4tvs: my jaw is actually open
Adam4tvs: you want proof?
Adam4tvs wants to directly connect.
Adam4tvs: lol
Adam4tvs: nothing like beraking the moment
Adam4tvs: now what are you talking abotu?
Adam4tvs: didn't you just indirectly say you doubted every word i said?
Palauragain: I never said I doubted
Palauragain: just questioned
Adam4tvs: look at this from my persepctive...
Palauragain: what do u expect?
Adam4tvs: i am in danger of losing the most incredible woman i've ever met
Adam4tvs: because i was HONEST before?
Adam4tvs: !?!??!
Adam4tvs: yes - i've been in love with other people
Adam4tvs: and at THE TIME
Adam4tvs: thought it was the greatest person I'd ever known
Adam4tvs: but as time passes
Adam4tvs: and you get BUTT FUCKED by them
Adam4tvs: (you did ask me if i had been the bitch didnt you? ;-) )
Adam4tvs: your ability to feel that
Adam4tvs: DWINDLES
Adam4tvs: it just gets chipped away
Adam4tvs: and you become harder and harder
Adam4tvs: so when something like this happens with us
Adam4tvs: it's even more special
Adam4tvs: because in the back of my mind
Adam4tvs: i'm still thinking
Adam4tvs: adam - you're gonna get hurt
Adam4tvs: you're stupid
Adam4tvs: this can't be right
Adam4tvs: and throughout ALL of that
Adam4tvs: and even you lying to me
Adam4tvs: i still feel the way i do
Adam4tvs: if you end this right now - and never speak to me again
Adam4tvs: i will still feel that we have the greatest connection i've ever felt
Adam4tvs: ever
Adam4tvs: ever
Adam4tvs: ever
Palauragain: ever?
Adam4tvs: (sigh)
Palauragain: ;-)
Adam4tvs: babe - i'm sick to my stomach
Palauragain: why?
Adam4tvs: why!?!
Palauragain: and DAMN...thanks for posting all the soft core porn
Palauragain: it helped me get thru the afternoon much better
Palauragain: heh
Adam4tvs: i cant read sarcasm here
Adam4tvs: where are we?
Adam4tvs: are you just trying to figure shit out
Adam4tvs: or are you saying good riddance?
Palauragain: Adam...I cannot say 'goodbye' right now
Palauragain: just do me a favor and block me from your site
Palauragain: lol
Adam4tvs: this is not funny right now
Adam4tvs: Babe - please skip your workout and meet me
Adam4tvs: please
Adam4tvs: i can't play this game with you
Adam4tvs: and then not see you for 10 days
Palauragain: i'm not trying to play games
Palauragain: and i'm not trying to be funny
Adam4tvs: you have to see this as more important than one workout
Palauragain: i'm just being honest
Adam4tvs: you have to
Palauragain: I really hate reading stuff like that
Palauragain: it's not about needing to workout
Palauragain: it's about taking an hour all to myself
Adam4tvs: i dont even know what you're talking about
Palauragain: without anyone talking to me...
Palauragain: just to clear the head a bit
Palauragain: I need that
Palauragain: more than naything right now
Adam4tvs: you know this is done Babe
Adam4tvs: you know you don't believe me
Adam4tvs: you just wrote
Adam4tvs: i can't say goodbye RIGHT NOW
Adam4tvs: you are looking for an out
Adam4tvs: and you have it
Palauragain: I cant beleive you'd say that
Adam4tvs: you know he gets in tomorrow
Adam4tvs: you know how important actual TIME spent together is
Adam4tvs: and you keep finding ways to make it NOT happen
Palauragain: Adam
Adam4tvs: just so you dont get any closer
Palauragain: I need to spend an hour at the gym...with just my headphones on
Adam4tvs: because i may be this total asshole
Palauragain: away from the world
Palauragain: it's my stress outlet
Adam4tvs: and then what...
Adam4tvs: well punch me
Adam4tvs: run on ME
Adam4tvs: lol
Palauragain: I never called u an 'asshole'
Palauragain: and..lol...no physical abuse
Palauragain: this just keeps getting harder & harder
Palauragain: I dont doubt your sincerity
Adam4tvs: yes, you do
Palauragain: I just question certain things
Adam4tvs: doubt and question are synonymous in the fucking thesaurus
Adam4tvs: english major
Adam4tvs: lol
Palauragain: no!
Adam4tvs: Babe the only shot of you making this change in your life
Adam4tvs: and truly, truly, truly becoming who you are capable of
Adam4tvs: is with you believing in yourself
Adam4tvs: and me
Adam4tvs: and you now doubt 50% of that equation
Adam4tvs: how on EARTH do you pack your bags now...
Adam4tvs: the answer is - you don't
Palauragain: Adam...
Adam4tvs: you stay comfortable
Palauragain: I never said I think all you've said is BS
Adam4tvs: you doubt me
Palauragain: when I look into your eyes...I know
Palauragain: I trust you
Adam4tvs: jesus you're making me cry
Palauragain: and I believe you
Adam4tvs: fuuuuuuuck
Palauragain: why!?!!?
Palauragain: please don't
Adam4tvs: and i'm gonna lose you to THIS?
Adam4tvs: to fucking PALAUR?
Palauragain: nooooooooo
Adam4tvs: to some horseshit entry
Adam4tvs: about cuming
Palauragain: I didn't say that!!!
Adam4tvs: GODDAMN the irony is so thick
Adam4tvs: because now when you're with him
Adam4tvs: you think of me as "nothing
Adam4tvs: because you cant look in my eyes
Palauragain: what r u talking about?!!?
Adam4tvs: you can't feel that
Palauragain: thats BS
Palauragain: you will never be 'nothing'
Palauragain: $$
Palauragain: shit babe
Palauragain: we have a meeting wit hthe new RM
Palauragain: everyone has to go
Palauragain: errrrrrrrrrrrr
Palauragain: I have to sign off now
Adam4tvs: CALL ME
Adam4tvs: before workingout
Adam4tvs: PLEASE
Palauragain: I might be awhile in there
Palauragain: think hes gonna fire a few people
Palauragain: I have to go
Palauragain signed off at 6:02:47 PM.
Absolutely incredible. This has to be the most ESCHER MOMENT of my life. Palaur actually fucks up Palaur 2. Are you fucking kidding me? Could I be anymore fucked here? I can't say anything more because all my words are doubted now and I can't do nothing because she'll just assume that proves I was a "Fake" to begin with. It is such a lose-lose situation. My mind was racing. I just couldn't believe that I caused this by being open and honest. I mean she sees that goddamn December video crying about Jess - reads Palaur - even 5 pages... BAM. She has more than enough reason to doubt. I'm just so fucked.
I wait and wait and wait...she finally calls around 7:45 pm and I try to express to her that as she obviously has seen this "married" situation brings feelings to the forefront at light speed. It doesn't make them insincere - it's just forced because of this constant ticking CLOCK. SHe understood and said over and over she had no doubts about me at all. I just couldn't believe her. She wanted to meet - so we met at Whole Foods again.
Very, very emotional. She told me tenfold that she didn't doubt my sincerity. She just needed time and hoped I could wait. My eyes were welled up the entire time. I guess although I heard her words and believed her, that something told me this could be the last time I see her. I mean fuck, if I had read this site called "Palaur", I would realize this is JUST the beginning. LOL - but it struck me as the end. SHe was amazing, very reassuring and I just fell in love with her more. We were going to go to "sleep" on the phone together and wake up in the morning again..and then we'd be off.
The conversations were wonderful as usual. I sang to her and it felt like she was right next to me. Amazing how connected I feel to her. She just needed time and I was going to give it to her. I wasn't exactly looking forward to the next week or so, but I was amazed at how quickly this was coming to a head. Of course I'd been through this before with Laura, and the outcome was always miserable failure. We'd make it about 6 hours and then communicate - then see each other soon after. But I was determined to give her the space she needed. Around 11:40 AM (a new record for us):
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: ha - you broke first
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: so...
Palauragain: I noticed
Palauragain: I have this distinct looking small bruise
Palauragain: over my left hipbone
AdamBeWorkin: <giggling>
AdamBeWorkin: would it be from my thumb by any chance?
Palauragain: um...it would be about that size...
Palauragain: ice, perhaps?
AdamBeWorkin: <puts head down in embarassment>
Palauragain: to make it less obvious?
Palauragain: hehe
AdamBeWorkin: wow, i thought that was just in my head this morning
AdamBeWorkin: i have some power over you dont i
Palauragain: hehehe
Palauragain: I somehow just noticed it this morning
Palauragain: perhaps it will magically fade by 8 pm tonight?
AdamBeWorkin: perhaps he won't labor over every inch of your body...
Palauragain: it has been awhile though...
Palauragain: I'm sure he will attempt
AdamBeWorkin: he doesn't strike me as the type that would actually kiss every inch of your body...
AdamBeWorkin: that was my implication
Palauragain: didnt say anything about 'kissing'
Palauragain: and he used to do that
Palauragain: like 4 yrs ago
AdamBeWorkin: :(
Palauragain: hehe
Palauragain: but anyway....
AdamBeWorkin: yes...
AdamBeWorkin: i miss you too
Palauragain: :)
Palauragain: I won't keep you...
Palauragain: that new toothpaste is amazing, btw
Palauragain: fresh, minty taste..
Palauragain: just thought I'd share a little 'shop talk'....
I'd like you to all take careful note of the red to blue ratio. MHMMMM. About 20 minutes later...
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: ;-)
Palauragain: how's work?
AdamBeWorkin: once more?
Palauragain: smiley
Palauragain: winky face
AdamBeWorkin: heh
AdamBeWorkin: work is work - about to head out for lunch
AdamBeWorkin: i'm pretty hungry
AdamBeWorkin: have until 3 PM
AdamBeWorkin: so trying to figure out where to go
Palauragain: nice little schedule
AdamBeWorkin: frustrating actually
Palauragain: what do u normally do for lunch?
AdamBeWorkin: it depends
AdamBeWorkin: sometimes co-workers are goin' out
AdamBeWorkin: or i just get a few sushi rolls
AdamBeWorkin: sometimes a frozen dinner...
AdamBeWorkin: sometimes subway...
Palauragain: you and your sushi
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: is this really what you're asking?
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: just...curious
AdamBeWorkin: i assume you do the same
AdamBeWorkin: heh
AdamBeWorkin: this is an interesting subject we've got going here
Palauragain: isn't it?
AdamBeWorkin: i'm smiling
Palauragain: ya, mostly go out w/ coworkers
Palauragain: or...
Palauragain: go to the bookstore
Palauragain: eat & read
Palauragain: quiet time
AdamBeWorkin: yeah
AdamBeWorkin: that actually sounds like a good idea
Palauragain: it is...
Palauragain: I enjoy my alone time...
Palauragain: to sit & think
AdamBeWorkin: yeah
AdamBeWorkin: boy you need that babe
Palauragain: I think waaaaay too much sometimes
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: this is really going to be difficult
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: that's a good sign though...
Palauragain: kinda weird, hm?
AdamBeWorkin: ...i don't follow
Palauragain: talking random talk
AdamBeWorkin: i thought we had agreed on only talking to each other if it was something crucial
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: so this is kind of funny to me
Palauragain: ooops
Palauragain: sorry
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: nothing 'crucial' at this point
AdamBeWorkin: hahahahahaha
AdamBeWorkin: :-)
AdamBeWorkin: I'm gonna go drink at Chilis with a co-worker
Palauragain: 60 minutes?!?!
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: i miss you tremendously Babe
Palauragain: did I tell u the actual time?
Palauragain: heh
AdamBeWorkin: you did...
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: I miss you too...
Palauragain: he called and left a mesg
Palauragain: when plane landed
Palauragain: I havent had a chance to call back yet...
Palauragain: 'working'
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: my heart goes out to you in more ways than you'll ever know
Palauragain: man, I could really use a drink right about now too
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: well I'll drink one for ya babe
AdamBeWorkin: deep breaths
AdamBeWorkin: that's the key to everything
AdamBeWorkin: just take your time
AdamBeWorkin: i am not going anywhere
AdamBeWorkin: ...except for right now
AdamBeWorkin: talk to you soon babe
Palauragain: k
Palauragain: bye babe
And the final short conversation of the day:
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: :-)
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: ...
Palauragain: just wanted to say 'hi'
AdamBeWorkin: just wanted to say 'hi'
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: Adam!!!
AdamBeWorkin: Babe!!!
AdamBeWorkin: oops
Palauragain: so...
Palauragain: busy day?
Palauragain: how was lunch?
AdamBeWorkin: slowest day of my life
Palauragain: did u have a drink for me?
Palauragain: that bad, eh?
AdamBeWorkin: i did
AdamBeWorkin: and then came back to my desk
Palauragain: "The worst day of my life, what do you think!!!!"
AdamBeWorkin: and fell asleep
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: this is actually a good day
Palauragain: recognize the quote, sleepy head?
AdamBeWorkin: i'm pretty at peace with everything
AdamBeWorkin: i don't...
Palauragain: that's good
Palauragain: I may have to drive out to El Centro tomorrow!!!
Palauragain: ehhh, any clue where that is?
AdamBeWorkin: where's that?
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: apparently not
AdamBeWorkin: and what movie was that from?
Palauragain: near the Mexican border
Palauragain: quote - Napolean Dynamite
Palauragain: <pretty much the best movie of all time>
Palauragain: hehe
AdamBeWorkin: well being that i've never SEEN that movie
AdamBeWorkin: which i told you
AdamBeWorkin: that would be tough
Palauragain: ooooh...
Palauragain: you jus twouldnt get it then
AdamBeWorkin: i want to see it with you of course
AdamBeWorkin: but we've proven poor movie dates
Palauragain: well
Palauragain: wanna see a movie saturday?
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: i want to MAKE a movie Saturday
Palauragain: :)
Palauragain: umm, what kinda movie?
Palauragain: heh
AdamBeWorkin: well your face says it all
AdamBeWorkin: honestly - i just want to siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit with you
AdamBeWorkin: i've said it forever
AdamBeWorkin: but i dont think we'll feel that unless you get there in the morning
Palauragain: what do u mean?
AdamBeWorkin: and we can just goof off
Palauragain: 3 hours with me is just not enough?
Palauragain: :)
Palauragain: we can "play it by ear..."
AdamBeWorkin: 3 years isn't enough
Palauragain: as u says
AdamBeWorkin: as i says?
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: :)
Palauragain: hehe
AdamBeWorkin: sup sup dawg
Palauragain: as u SAY
AdamBeWorkin: i want to be able to jump up and play a game
AdamBeWorkin: or run and get ice cream
AdamBeWorkin: or throw a frisbee
AdamBeWorkin: just BE
Palauragain: ice cream? <shame, shame>
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: I know...what u mean
AdamBeWorkin: (sigh)
Palauragain: sigh?
Palauragain: what's up babe?
Palauragain: whatcha thinking?
AdamBeWorkin: what are you thinking...
Palauragain: that...I like when you sang to me last night...before bed
AdamBeWorkin: i loved that
Palauragain: me too...
Palauragain: I could fall asleep to your voice every night...
AdamBeWorkin: i could sing to you every night...
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: you know what i'm really thinking?
Palauragain: tell me...
AdamBeWorkin: "will she ever really know how i feel"
Palauragain: I do...
Palauragain: yuo have said/done more than enough...
AdamBeWorkin: i don't think you'll truly know until more time passes
Palauragain: brb
Palauragain: k...
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: I know enough...
Palauragain: to answer any "doubts"
AdamBeWorkin: it will get stronger if you let it
AdamBeWorkin: that's the part that inspires me
Palauragain: I know...
Palauragain: ha, these guys that work around me are so young...so funny
Palauragain: we've been talking about 'hooking up with girls' for the last 15 or so minutes...
AdamBeWorkin: "we've"?
Palauragain: ya, hehe
Palauragain: they ask me for my opinion
AdamBeWorkin: ha - so are you pretty good at that?
AdamBeWorkin: oh
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: ?
Palauragain: I give them the 'girls perspective'
Palauragain: of things...
Palauragain: that's all
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: you should tell 'em "it's all in your eyes"
AdamBeWorkin: then just look at 'em and go....
Palauragain: that is true!
AdamBeWorkin: "nope...."
AdamBeWorkin: "nope..."
AdamBeWorkin: "nope..."
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: hehe
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: have u been to palm springs lately?
AdamBeWorkin: if lately means never...
AdamBeWorkin: absolutely
Palauragain: never been?
AdamBeWorkin: nope
Palauragain: so..what did u and jess do for fun?
AdamBeWorkin: normal stuff
AdamBeWorkin: movies
AdamBeWorkin: games
Palauragain: thats normal! hehe
AdamBeWorkin: she wasn't physical
AdamBeWorkin: but when we lived at the apartment complex
AdamBeWorkin: i was able to drag her out to throw a ball or something
AdamBeWorkin: but she got tired pretty quick
Palauragain: hahahaha
Palauragain: shut up!
Palauragain: any desire to travel?
AdamBeWorkin: personally?
AdamBeWorkin: of course now
Palauragain: yes
AdamBeWorkin: i have the money
AdamBeWorkin: i'm so fuckin stoked about japan
AdamBeWorkin: i can't even tell you
Palauragain: so money was the main reason u guys didnt go out much?
AdamBeWorkin: definitely
Palauragain: but u have the desire, right?
AdamBeWorkin: we'd go out to EAT of course
AdamBeWorkin: the second i could i booked a trip to japan
AdamBeWorkin: come on babe
Palauragain: just checking...
AdamBeWorkin: i was going to greece this fall too
Palauragain: I have a fidgety spirit
Palauragain: I like to do things...explore
AdamBeWorkin: well you haven't shown that much
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: no?
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: I just got back from Miami 3 weeks ago
Palauragain: going to vegas in 2 weeks
AdamBeWorkin: :(
Palauragain: to see family...
Palauragain: I havent booked it yet
Palauragain: but my mom is dying for me to come out
Palauragain: then I go to NY in June
Palauragain: my favorite city!!!
AdamBeWorkin: :(
Palauragain: if I could live like a gypsy, I would
Palauragain: I wanna move to Spain..live the European life
Palauragain: work less, take siestas, have a big family
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: well now you're scaring me
AdamBeWorkin: is this the babe i knew yesterday?
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: just a secret passion of mine....
Palauragain: I've shared that with rob, he thinks it's nuts
Palauragain: I'm very free spirited...
Palauragain: I dont wanna live in LA forever...
Palauragain: but what other city would I go to?
AdamBeWorkin: NY
Palauragain: nah, too cold
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: I'd move to Europe in a heart beat
Palauragain: if someone wanted to go with me...
Palauragain: cold or not, I love culture and all that....
Palauragain: I think I would blend in fairly well
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: hmmmm
AdamBeWorkin: part of me wants to move to france
AdamBeWorkin: and just create
Palauragain: I cant stand French people!
but Paris is beautiful from what I hear
AdamBeWorkin: and enjoy that lifestyle
AdamBeWorkin: but are you just trying to scare me
Palauragain: I want to live the 'simple life'
AdamBeWorkin: because jess couldn't live in LA either...
AdamBeWorkin: i mean - what the fuck...
Palauragain: well I sure as hell aint moving back to Vegas...or Ohio for that matter
Palauragain: I like LA
Palauragain: but I DO NOT wanna live here forever among these superficial, no moral having people...
AdamBeWorkin: you choose your company...
AdamBeWorkin: i'm not like that
Palauragain: people out here are fake, materialistic..blah blah...my kids will get caught up in that
Palauragain: once they go to school
Palauragain: they will want the biggest cars, the newest clothes
Palauragain: because everyone else will have 'em...
Palauragain: unless they go to school in say, Canoga Park or somethin...
Palauragain: but...
Palauragain: this city is great for a few years
Palauragain: and eventually...<hopefully&gt; as a second home
Palauragain: one day!
Palauragain: :)
Palauragain: I have sooooo many dreams and aspirations....
Palauragain: <that just dont have anything to do with a career, lol>
Palauragain: well, hope I didnt scare u off
Palauragain: I have to go now...
Palauragain: but I want to share my thoughts with you....
AdamBeWorkin: you're kind of freaking me out
AdamBeWorkin: so...
Palauragain: hope u like adventurous souls...cause u sure found one!
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: something kore ot think about
Palauragain: *more
Palauragain: that's all this is...
Palauragain: I want you to know more about me
Palauragain: and where i'm coming from
Palauragain: and how I one day envision my life to be
Palauragain: who knows....
Palauragain: well, I'm signing off now
Palauragain: talk soon
Palauragain: ciao!
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: <scared him off already>
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: ;-)
AdamBeWorkin: what are you doing?
Palauragain: Palauragain is no longer signed on.
In all honesty I seriously considered that one of her co-workers started writing halfway through. Is that the most fucked up thing you've ever read? I mean, could she say more to scare me off? Is it just an obvious attempt to freak me out so she can go home to him tonight assuming I'm no longer interested.......?
...who gives a fuck what it is. That has to be the most immature thing I've ever seen. Are you kidding? You want me to run? NO PROBLEM. Does she actually think I'm gonna put up with that shit? LOL. I'm too shocked right now for this to even sink in - so allow me to vent. Good thing I can write songs fast, 'cause this is a good one.
But in all seriousness, you don't play games with me. You don't lie to me. You don't use me. I warned her every second possible - if I feel you showing a pattern of being disrespectful...EVEN TO HIM - I'm out. I won't handle that shit. I dealt with it with Laura because I was twenty-fuckin two and stupid as shit... not now.
I believe she knows exactly what she was doing. She was never flighty the entire time I knew her so it seems like a thinly veiled attempt to make certain I'm no longer an option. Either way - I'm not. She is obviously not ready to face this and would rather hide in her "simple" life without any complications. She's can get her attention at work and with friends, and maybe now that she's broken the physical bond with her husband she'll find even more ways to get the attention she needs.
Am I being too harsh? Maybe. Whatever - I can't imagine a way of her making me believe her again. I believe she's just trying to take the path of least resistance which is what 99% of people do in this world. Good luck to you babe. I won't be a part of this.