locked until
04.30.05 - YouTube
link added
02.22.09
9:12 PM, Monday,
April 11th 2005:
I want
so badly to be smart here. I want so badly
to not get my heart run over. This seems
to mirror Palaur on so many levels it's
sickening. Even down to the moments in the
car.
Because of that I am so analytical about
this. And I know I’m basically
cracking the egg over my head as I type
these sentences. It is almost assured that
the egg will not run down the back of my
head, it will end up on my face… but
I love her. In every definition other than
years of bonding – I love
her.
I shouldn’t
say it, it’s only been 8-9 days and there’s
so much emotion packed in here but when you know
yourself like this – and you mix in this
connection that has nothing to do with sex and lust
– it’s just staring at someone…you very
quickly start planning on how you’re going to
change your life. So I am now to the point which I
hoped I would avoid, and that is simply this: I will
be devastated if she stays with him now. Completely
wiped out. After this weekend… wow – just
wow. And how did the Friday start? She called me up to
have phone sex. She wanted to hear ME while
she…
…are you
kidding? Is there an Adam Kontras guidebook out there
that I’m unaware of? So at work that
morning:
AdamBeWorkin:
whew
Palauragain:
whew?
Palauragain:
finally made it?
AdamBeWorkin:
running late today
Palauragain:
so I'm on this internal
database...
Palauragain:
that allows me to find out anything -
about ANYONE
Palauragain:
looking up some potential
clients...
Palauragain:
kinda funny
AdamBeWorkin:
whatchoo finding
AdamBeWorkin:
and seriously - she said she was
18
AdamBeWorkin:
i swear
Palauragain:
hahahaha
Palauragain:
tell it to the judge,
buddy...
AdamBeWorkin:
i actually got fucked like that back
when i was 22
Palauragain:
how so?
AdamBeWorkin:
but not legally
Palauragain:
lying about ages...?
AdamBeWorkin:
met a girl at the radio
station
AdamBeWorkin:
said she was 19
AdamBeWorkin:
she was 16
AdamBeWorkin:
sucked
Palauragain:
<oops!>
AdamBeWorkin:
found out about a week
later
Palauragain:
men...such suckas!
Palauragain:
hee hee
AdamBeWorkin:
well she was at the radio station at 3
in the morning man
AdamBeWorkin:
i mean jesus
Palauragain:
parents didnt care...
Palauragain:
apparently
AdamBeWorkin:
oh well obviously
AdamBeWorkin:
i didn't even get into that whole
thing
Palauragain:
thats kinda sad
Palauragain:
my parents were sooooo
strict!
Palauragain:
I kinda went thru the whole rebellious
thing
Palauragain:
when I was 17
Palauragain:
and learned my lesson REAL
QUICK!
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
there's gotta be a story there
somewhere
Palauragain:
lol
Palauragain:
too long to tell now...
AdamBeWorkin:
did you intend on that call this
morning
AdamBeWorkin:
because you really are a guy
then
AdamBeWorkin:
lol
Palauragain:
lol
Palauragain:
course I did...
Palauragain:
it was nice hearing your
voice
AdamBeWorkin:
in highschool
AdamBeWorkin:
lol
Palauragain:
first thing in the
morning
AdamBeWorkin:
i was the phone sex
master
AdamBeWorkin:
lol
Palauragain:
hahahah
Palauragain:
is that right?
AdamBeWorkin:
yeah (embarrassed)
AdamBeWorkin:
then i went right into talk
radio...
AdamBeWorkin:
at 19
Palauragain:
well..u have the voice for it...no
doubt
Palauragain:
felt kinda dirty...like having phone
sex with a 50 yr old
man
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
HAHAHAHAHAHA
AdamBeWorkin:
lolol
AdamBeWorkin:
so laughing right now
Palauragain:
hehehe
Palauragain:
sorry
Palauragain:
yiu have such a deep
voice
Palauragain:
pretty sexy though...
AdamBeWorkin:
it's funny my singing voice
isn't
AdamBeWorkin:
i mean it can be
AdamBeWorkin:
but - god when you hear spencer
sing
AdamBeWorkin:
you REALLY need to know me
well
AdamBeWorkin:
before you see that
shit
Palauragain:
'spencer'
AdamBeWorkin:
ha
Palauragain:
lol
Palauragain:
all these alte-egos
Palauragain:
alter
Palauragain:
kinda...
Palauragain:
fascinating
AdamBeWorkin:
just comedy babe
AdamBeWorkin:
that's all
AdamBeWorkin:
and i'm even impressed by how different
i can look
AdamBeWorkin:
with just hair and facial hair
changes
Palauragain:
glad someone is...
AdamBeWorkin:
lol
Palauragain:
;-)
Palauragain:
hehe
Palauragain:
see my wink smiley that
time..?
Palauragain:
nose and all?
Palauragain:
k, busy bee...
Palauragain:
i'm gonna go eat...among other
things...
Palauragain:
talk to u late!
Palauragain:
:)
AdamBeWorkin:
man
AdamBeWorkin:
without me
AdamBeWorkin:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
have fun with your client
babe
AdamBeWorkin:
get that sale
Palauragain:
no, no...
Palauragain:
not that kinda appt
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
?
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
i thought you were meeting with a
client?
AdamBeWorkin:
oh
Palauragain:
you'll see later...
AdamBeWorkin:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
the WAX
Palauragain:
hehe
AdamBeWorkin:
Palauragain:
<ouch!>
AdamBeWorkin:
i look forward to it
Palauragain:
yep!
Palauragain:
:)
AdamBeWorkin:
i'll kiss it and make it
better
AdamBeWorkin:
heh
AdamBeWorkin:
later babe
Palauragain:
awww....so sweet
Palauragain:
bye!
AdamBeWorkin:
aren't i though?
AdamBeWorkin:
;-)
After
lunch and uhm...waxing:
Palauragain:
:)
AdamBeWorkin:
AdamBeWorkin:
how ya lookin
Palauragain:
great!
Palauragain:
just a lil' painful...
Palauragain:
lol
Palauragain:
:)
Palauragain:
so..I was reading a few more ofyour
journal entries...
AdamBeWorkin:
yeah
AdamBeWorkin:
...
Palauragain:
man...there is sooooo
much
Palauragain:
so many feelings inside
you
Palauragain:
on any given day
Palauragain:
almost makes me want to start writing
again! lol
Palauragain:
almost!
AdamBeWorkin:
well you have to understand what it is
you're reading
AdamBeWorkin:
it's not what anyone should really be
reading
AdamBeWorkin:
it's not really public
AdamBeWorkin:
people assume that because i made it
public
AdamBeWorkin:
it's akin to what I talk about all the
time
AdamBeWorkin:
it is absolutely my innermost
thoughts
AdamBeWorkin:
that most people would never
share
AdamBeWorkin:
but because of the way the journey
started
Palauragain:
I'm surprised u post
it...
Palauragain:
on the world wide web
Palauragain:
for anybody to
access...
AdamBeWorkin:
well i got cornered
almost
AdamBeWorkin:
if you read in january
2000
AdamBeWorkin:
when it started
Palauragain:
I can't imagine doing
so...
AdamBeWorkin:
it's very harmless
AdamBeWorkin:
my intention was to show
people
AdamBeWorkin:
what it takes
Palauragain:
didnt read that yet
AdamBeWorkin:
to make it
Palauragain:
kinda skipping around
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
just everything that
happened
AdamBeWorkin:
and show how you
TRANSFORM
AdamBeWorkin:
while going through all this
shit
Palauragain:
most of your 2005 ones
Palauragain:
were allllll about
jessica
AdamBeWorkin:
so in 2001 - when i was playing comedy
store
AdamBeWorkin:
it was so huge
AdamBeWorkin:
and i held nothing back
AdamBeWorkin:
and then when it didn't work
out
AdamBeWorkin:
i had nowhere to hide
AdamBeWorkin:
i'm not going to shut down the
site
AdamBeWorkin:
you know?
AdamBeWorkin:
so you have to own up to the egg on
your face
AdamBeWorkin:
it forced me to be so fucking
honest
Palauragain:
hmmmm
AdamBeWorkin:
and with Jessica - everyone knows
her
AdamBeWorkin:
I mean she read everything
too
AdamBeWorkin:
and if i ever said too much she'd ask
me to edit it
Palauragain:
it's quite endearing
AdamBeWorkin:
but i never did
AdamBeWorkin:
it was all very vague
AdamBeWorkin:
about the specifics
AdamBeWorkin:
and i DO lock entries
AdamBeWorkin:
so no one can read them
Palauragain:
you see a woman's perspective rather
brilliantly...
AdamBeWorkin:
i watched my mother get completely
taken advantage of
AdamBeWorkin:
so i am very in tune
AdamBeWorkin:
with that
Palauragain:
<all becoming a little bit
clearer>
AdamBeWorkin:
and i know the needs of a
woman
AdamBeWorkin:
always have
Palauragain:
that's good...
AdamBeWorkin:
so the deeper you go - it's easy to
see
AdamBeWorkin:
how we meshed on some levels and din't
otherwise (food / sex)
Palauragain:
amazing what an impact your childhood
has one u as an
adult...
AdamBeWorkin:
oh my god yes
Palauragain:
food?
Palauragain:
lol
Palauragain:
I mean....
AdamBeWorkin:
the food issues with
jess
Palauragain:
not to sound weird...
AdamBeWorkin:
ho-lee shit
Palauragain:
but if I started gaining
weight...
Palauragain:
and becoming lazy
Palauragain:
rob would grab me..take me to the gym
with him
AdamBeWorkin:
but it's her whollllllllle
life
AdamBeWorkin:
everything revolves around
food
Palauragain:
hmmmm
Palauragain:
it did in my Greek side
too!
Palauragain:
luckily I didnt get fat
genes!
Palauragain:
heheh
Palauragain:
<shouldnt speak too soon
though>
AdamBeWorkin:
for example
AdamBeWorkin:
the last week she was
here
AdamBeWorkin:
she lived with me
AdamBeWorkin:
and my refirgerator is FILLLLLLLLLLED
with shit
AdamBeWorkin:
candy bars
AdamBeWorkin:
bread
AdamBeWorkin:
cookies
AdamBeWorkin:
food
AdamBeWorkin:
food
AdamBeWorkin:
food
AdamBeWorkin:
even low-carb, i just can't do
that
AdamBeWorkin:
lol
Palauragain:
why shit food though?
Palauragain:
I guess when I'm
upset...
AdamBeWorkin:
because that's who she
is
Palauragain:
I vent in other ways
AdamBeWorkin:
no it makes her happy
AdamBeWorkin:
she actually doesn't eat that
much
AdamBeWorkin:
it's comforting to have it
around
AdamBeWorkin:
for me?
Palauragain:
I get happy doing other
things!
AdamBeWorkin:
i can't have all that shit
around
Palauragain:
:)
AdamBeWorkin:
AdamBeWorkin:
if that shit is around - i eat
it
Palauragain:
I hear you...
Palauragain:
thats why I dont buy it
Palauragain:
if its there, i'll eat
it
AdamBeWorkin:
yup
AdamBeWorkin:
so the arguments we would
have
Palauragain:
out of sight...out of mind with
food
AdamBeWorkin:
whew
Palauragain:
thats hard...
AdamBeWorkin:
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
AdamBeWorkin:
so anyway - nothing makes me happier
than the fact that you get
that
Palauragain:
believe me...
Palauragain:
my Greek family...always 'eat, eat,
eat'
AdamBeWorkin:
yup
Palauragain:
I'm really surprised i'm not 200
lbs
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
heh
Palauragain:
but thats why I work
out...
AdamBeWorkin:
but you will help me
tremendously
Palauragain:
thats a HUGE part of my
life
AdamBeWorkin:
right - you understand what it feels
like to work out
AdamBeWorkin:
so do i
Palauragain:
I will never give up
AdamBeWorkin:
but when you walk into your
house
AdamBeWorkin:
and it's one sabotage after
another
Palauragain:
ya?
Palauragain:
I know, I know...
AdamBeWorkin:
after she watched me lose 50
pounds
AdamBeWorkin:
and then NOT want to touch
me
AdamBeWorkin:
because she felt bad about
herself
Palauragain:
why NOT?
Palauragain:
oooooh
AdamBeWorkin:
i swear
Palauragain:
did u try to help motivate
her?
AdamBeWorkin:
and i tried to support
her
Palauragain:
to lose weight?
AdamBeWorkin:
tried to get her to
workout
Palauragain:
yes...
AdamBeWorkin:
and finally even said - i love the fuck
out of you
AdamBeWorkin:
didn't matter
Palauragain:
hmmmmm
Palauragain:
didnt mind the weight
gain?
AdamBeWorkin:
i have NEVER had a problem with her
weight
Palauragain:
cause you loved her for
her...
AdamBeWorkin:
i knew it was unhealthy
AdamBeWorkin:
but i never cheated
Palauragain:
thats amazing
AdamBeWorkin:
i never DIDNT want her until she
stopped wanting me
Palauragain:
wow
Palauragain:
u dont even know...
Palauragain:
the guys I work with...
Palauragain:
their wives get pregnant...cant lose
weight right after
Palauragain:
and they talk shit abiut her 'fat
ass'
Palauragain:
it disgusts me!
AdamBeWorkin:
(sigh)
Palauragain:
say 'why cant she have a body like you,
Babe?'
Palauragain:
I'm like 'FUCK, she just gave birth to
your child ASSHOLE!"
AdamBeWorkin:
dont get me started on that
shit
Palauragain:
give it time...
AdamBeWorkin:
yeah
Palauragain:
JESUS, u know?
AdamBeWorkin:
well the habits BEFORE the
pregnancy
AdamBeWorkin:
are just as important
AdamBeWorkin:
you'll be fine for
example
Palauragain:
I know I will...
AdamBeWorkin:
because you care now
Palauragain:
the only time I will be
'fat'...
Palauragain:
is when I'm pregnant
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
which will be beautiful
AdamBeWorkin:
and you know it
AdamBeWorkin:
;-)
Palauragain:
of course
Palauragain:
can't wait really...
Palauragain:
one day...
AdamBeWorkin:
heh
Palauragain:
who knows
AdamBeWorkin:
you had a freudian there didn't
you
AdamBeWorkin:
can't wait really...
Palauragain:
:)
Palauragain:
did I?
AdamBeWorkin:
errrrrrrrrr
someday!!!!!!
AdamBeWorkin:
lol
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
it's funny how
AdamBeWorkin:
when you think certain things are
possible
AdamBeWorkin:
and certain feelings are
attainable
AdamBeWorkin:
that you kind of open
up
AdamBeWorkin:
and become....you
Palauragain:
in general?
AdamBeWorkin:
yeah
Palauragain:
it's true...
Palauragain:
<ouch!>
AdamBeWorkin:
you can never really put your finger on
what being "held back" really
is
AdamBeWorkin:
because you don't know what you'd do if
you weren't...
Palauragain:
exactly
AdamBeWorkin:
but the second you see
something
Palauragain:
you understand....
AdamBeWorkin:
that changes you...
AdamBeWorkin:
then alllllllllllll these things look
differnt
AdamBeWorkin:
sound different
AdamBeWorkin:
feel different
AdamBeWorkin:
and you say things like you can't wait
to have kids...
AdamBeWorkin:
and then realize that 3 days ago (and i
have this written down from an
IM)
Palauragain:
when just 3 days ago...I was against
it
Palauragain:
hahaha
AdamBeWorkin:
you said - I am soooooooooooooooooooo
not ready for that
AdamBeWorkin:
lol
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
Palauragain:
i'm not against it
Palauragain:
I just cant imagine with my husband
right now
Palauragain:
i'd be a single parent
really
AdamBeWorkin:
yeah
Palauragain:
it'd fukken suck
Palauragain:
i'd honestly be
depressed
Palauragain:
no family here
Palauragain:
ehhhhh
AdamBeWorkin:
yeah
Palauragain:
u fight all the time
Palauragain:
about that
AdamBeWorkin:
?
Palauragain:
he wants me to go off the
pill
Palauragain:
and I won't
AdamBeWorkin:
oh WE fight all the
time
AdamBeWorkin:
jesus is he crazy!??!
Palauragain:
*we
Palauragain:
sorry
Palauragain:
he thinks having a kid
now
AdamBeWorkin:
does he even hear the things you
say?
Palauragain:
would fit his 'picture perfect
life'
Palauragain:
he thinks it would make us
'stronger'
AdamBeWorkin:
whew
Palauragain:
I dont necessarliy
agree
AdamBeWorkin:
wheeeeeeeew
AdamBeWorkin:
so does he (and this is insanely
personal) always cum inside
you
AdamBeWorkin:
just hoping it's the 1 in 100
shot?
AdamBeWorkin:
heh
Palauragain:
lol
Palauragain:
ummmm,
Palauragain:
yeah
Palauragain:
:)
AdamBeWorkin:
man
Palauragain:
I've been on the pill since I was
18
Palauragain:
it's NOT gonna work!
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
well it certainly can
Palauragain:
but what are the
chances??
AdamBeWorkin:
hell jess was on the
pill
AdamBeWorkin:
and i would always cum outside of
her
Palauragain:
that shits been in my bod for like 10
yrs
AdamBeWorkin:
just because i knew we weren't
ready
AdamBeWorkin:
i loved her
AdamBeWorkin:
i wouldn't do that shit to
her
AdamBeWorkin:
goddamn
Palauragain:
really?
AdamBeWorkin:
what the fuck could he possibly
thing
AdamBeWorkin:
*think
Palauragain:
like I said...
AdamBeWorkin:
that would do
positively!??!?!
Palauragain:
he thinks its the 'next logical
step'...
Palauragain:
he's not really considering how I would
feel
AdamBeWorkin:
yeah - you pretty much nailed
that
AdamBeWorkin:
well because he knows you'd
stay
AdamBeWorkin:
at that point
AdamBeWorkin:
if you were pregnant right
now
Palauragain:
'stuck'
Palauragain:
is the word
AdamBeWorkin:
yup
Palauragain:
I would 'need him'
Palauragain:
and wouldnt leave
Palauragain:
so he thinks...
AdamBeWorkin:
which is what i couldn't do to
Jess
AdamBeWorkin:
see what love is?
Palauragain:
so you never really did...inside
her?
AdamBeWorkin:
RARRRRRRRRRRRELY
AdamBeWorkin:
it scared me too much
AdamBeWorkin:
because I knew it wasn't right for
her
AdamBeWorkin:
or me
AdamBeWorkin:
i didnt want to go back to Ohio
either...
AdamBeWorkin:
and i knew she'd stay and be
miserable
Palauragain:
'one way ticket'
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
how can you look someone you love and
do that...
AdamBeWorkin:
he just doesn't really understand how
you feel
Palauragain:
he has too
AdamBeWorkin:
and he's obviously content with his
marriage
Palauragain:
it's no surprise
Palauragain:
we've talked
AdamBeWorkin:
well he has what he
wants
AdamBeWorkin:
the wife that he comes home
to
Palauragain:
he's content
AdamBeWorkin:
that will have his kids
AdamBeWorkin:
so he thinks
AdamBeWorkin:
right
Palauragain:
dont think completely
happy
Palauragain:
theres no way he could
be
AdamBeWorkin:
can someone like that BE completely
happy?
AdamBeWorkin:
his work makes him happy
AdamBeWorkin:
right?
Palauragain:
I have no idea
Palauragain:
yes
Palauragain:
it fullfills him I
believe
AdamBeWorkin:
you, or the idea of you, makes him
happy
AdamBeWorkin:
it can't feel good that you could
almost be interchanged with someone who
wants a kid
AdamBeWorkin:
and his life wouldn't change
much
AdamBeWorkin:
the way you describe it
AdamBeWorkin:
you're a piece of
puzzele
AdamBeWorkin:
and you have to TELL
HIM
AdamBeWorkin:
....?
Palauragain:
yes
Palauragain:
I am a piece of the
puzzle
Palauragain:
he grew up in a VERY traditional
Italian family
Palauragain:
mom stayed home, dad
worked
Palauragain:
mom cooked and clean and had no real
friends...
Palauragain:
dad had work to fullfill him and many
other outside hobbies (golf,
karate...)
Palauragain:
rob wants that life,
too...
Palauragain:
and...
Palauragain:
I'm just not that
Palauragain:
kind
Palauragain:
of girl
AdamBeWorkin:
is he mad you work?
Palauragain:
well
Palauragain:
he hates my office is so
far
Palauragain:
and I get home late
Palauragain:
if u could have it his
way....
Palauragain:
I would have a 9-5 office
job
Palauragain:
2 minutes from my house
Palauragain:
and be home at exactly 5:02 pm on the
dot
Palauragain:
EVERY SINGLE FUKKEN DAY
Palauragain:
*if he could have it
Palauragain:
I just...can't...
Palauragain:
I enjoy my career
AdamBeWorkin:
well what do you want to do when you
have kids?
Palauragain:
it doesnt rule my life
Palauragain:
but we need 2 incomes to live in this
city
AdamBeWorkin:
no you dont
Palauragain:
I couldnt NOT work right
now
AdamBeWorkin:
but go on...
Palauragain:
we'd lose the house!
AdamBeWorkin:
well you chose that house didn't
you
AdamBeWorkin:
lol
Palauragain:
our mtg payments are
ridiculous!
Palauragain:
I know...
Palauragain:
it was the CHEAPEST
Palauragain:
in this area..
AdamBeWorkin:
people make the choices they
want
Palauragain:
but...
Palauragain:
<sick of renting, throwing away
money>
Palauragain:
but...
Palauragain:
if I quit now...to stay home with his
kids...
Palauragain:
I'd have to kiss many things
goodbye
AdamBeWorkin:
hang on hang on
Palauragain:
k
AdamBeWorkin:
first of all - stop talking about his
kids
AdamBeWorkin:
lol
Palauragain:
hehe
AdamBeWorkin:
it's like talking about
unicorns
Palauragain:
just saying....'
Palauragain:
hahahaha
AdamBeWorkin:
if you were in a different
relationship
Palauragain:
unicorns?
Palauragain:
:)
AdamBeWorkin:
and you were going to have
kids
AdamBeWorkin:
would you stay home?
Palauragain:
of course!
Palauragain:
I want too
Palauragain:
when they are young
AdamBeWorkin:
so then what's the
porblem?
Palauragain:
as long as my husband is
around
AdamBeWorkin:
right
Palauragain:
and a part of the raising
process
Palauragain:
and the responsiblity is not left ALL
ON ME
Palauragain:
which it would be....
AdamBeWorkin:
you can't imagine how much i want to
raise kids
Palauragain:
if rob and I were to have
kids
AdamBeWorkin:
right
AdamBeWorkin:
i would probably fight you to be able
to stay at home
AdamBeWorkin:
heh
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
but here's what happens
Palauragain:
no fight necessary
AdamBeWorkin:
with people in this
city
Palauragain:
I want to!
AdamBeWorkin:
is they price themselves out of raising
kids
AdamBeWorkin:
you dont need 2 incomes to make
it
AdamBeWorkin:
and even own a home
AdamBeWorkin:
you have to cut back on other
shit
Palauragain:
not if one person is makin'
bank!
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
shit people don't thnk
about
AdamBeWorkin:
bank is relative
Palauragain:
I know, I know...no more Starbucks and
new shoes
Palauragain:
lol
AdamBeWorkin:
but if you have to have that
car
AdamBeWorkin:
or that nice house in
calabassas
Palauragain:
my cars paid off!
AdamBeWorkin:
then your kid
Palauragain:
my house is small!
AdamBeWorkin:
is going to be raised by
maria
AdamBeWorkin:
while both of you work
Palauragain:
maria?
Palauragain:
hehe
Palauragain:
nope...
Palauragain:
won't let that happen
Palauragain:
why go through all that...to give
birth....
Palauragain:
to just pass em over to someone
else
Palauragain:
to raise?
AdamBeWorkin:
right - as long as you have the
priorities to make it not
happen
AdamBeWorkin:
then it wont
AdamBeWorkin:
but i agree
AdamBeWorkin:
for him to want to have
kids
AdamBeWorkin:
but have absolutely no way of being
home for them
AdamBeWorkin:
is stupid
Palauragain:
no shit, right!!
AdamBeWorkin:
he is with the wrong person for
that
AdamBeWorkin:
you can't do that
Palauragain:
he's got the 'single mans' dream
job
AdamBeWorkin:
yup
AdamBeWorkin:
well maybe...
AdamBeWorkin:
that would drive me
nuts
Palauragain:
travel...high profile cities...VIP
parties...never home
Palauragain:
I mean...I know some people can do
it
Palauragain:
and be happy and
successful
Palauragain:
in both work and family
Palauragain:
but...
Palauragain:
I would want my husband
there
Palauragain:
to go with me to the doctors in the
middle of the night...
Palauragain:
if "junior" was sick!
Palauragain:
lol
Palauragain:
my brothers and I were raised by a
single mom....
Palauragain:
she went through HELL and gave up
everything for us!
Palauragain:
brb
AdamBeWorkin:
yeah
She never got
right back, but we spoke on the phone. She said she
was hoping around 9:30pm to be out of dinner which was
a work thing. I scurried home that night and cleaned
like my life depended on it. LOL. If it wasn’t
for guests I swear to you nothing would ever get done.
Was done by around 8:45, poured a nice drink of
whiskey and listened to a romantic CD. Of course when
that was done I realized that I still hadn’t
heard from her – so TOM WAITS it was. LOL. I
absolutely adore depressing music and being slightly
buzzed. Am I alone with that? It’s not that I
necessarily get depressed – but it’s fun to
sing bluesy shit, and think about depressing shit. Man
I’m weird. I just have a lot of fodder for it
these days – so it’s actually a productive
thinking session.
Anyway she did
call, and she did get there around 10:15
pm.
So add this to the
list of things I’ve tried to describe that is
impossible. The next 6 hours of our relationship were
the most astonishing ever. In fact, if she does stay
with him, she’s pretty much ruined any other
woman’s chance at being with me ever again.
She’s raised the bar so insanely high… The
connection is just outrageous. The amount of time we
spent just looking at each other or hugging each other
so tight we thought we’d morph into one…
Craziness. I just wanted to hold onto her. Almost as
if subconsciously I thought I would never truly have
her. I felt like I had to touch her as much as I could
because she would be gone just as quick. Yet she felt
the same way…so that couldn’t be it. Again,
words can’t describe it. Most passionate night of
my life. It was the start of what I hoped would be the
perfect weekend. Not in the bedroom – but just
hanging out – doing goofy things.
She had to have
lunch or breakfast with her father who was in town but
she said she’d call me in the morning. I waited
and waited and waited. Finally at 3:15 pm she calls
and says she had gotten busy but was finishing up
laundry and wanted to come by a little later but that
she also had dinner plans with her dad at 8:30.
(sigh). My idea of just spending the weekend was
dwindling but oh well at least I’d see her from 5
pm – 8 pm. The course of events were quite
amusing actually. I can think of no better way to
describe them other than bulletpoints.
-gets here at 5
pm, we talk for a bit.
-her husband
calls, she goes outside and talks for a
bit.
-she comes back
and freaks out and says she should go.
-I look at her,
and understand why and just sigh and shake my head
“ok”
-we start to
kiss, end up making love and come to the
realization during a change of position that
it’s never a good idea to do this on a white
couch.
-we begin to
race around looking for ways to clean blood stains
all the while laughing at how ridiculous this scene
would look to anyone watching.
-we go to
Walgreen’s for some pads and then stop at
Starbuck’s.
-she calls her
dad and tries to get out of the dinner, ends up
being just drinks much later.
-so we sit and
have a blast talking at Starbucks and then go home
and play Ms. Pac-man.
-I decide
I’m ready for marriage as she fucking rocks at
Ms. Pac-man (even with the speed chip), and I
actually call Marty while she’s in the
bathroom to tell him. So funny.
-End the night
singing songs to her, talking, staring and
laughing. Somehow we end up one-upping Friday night
in terms of connection. It’s absolutely
incredible how close I feel to her. She says she
needs to hike with her neighbors in the morning but
she’d call me the next day so we could spend
the last day of the weekend together.
Roller coaster of
emotions continue. I get no call in the morning. At
12:30 she calls and says she’s on her way back
but then she’s going out to eat with her
neighbors and she’d call. ?!?! I start to say
“Don’t bother to call, just come on by”
and of course the phone cuts off at “Don’t
bother to call”. (sigh) only to me folks. ONLY.
TO. ME.
I call back leave
a message… call and call – nothing. I’m
thinking her phone must be dead because you always
call back when you get disconnected right? Hours pass.
My day is blown. Finally around 3 she calls. I try to
be cool, but I’m obviously pissed. She keeps
saying “we still have the whole day” –
and I explain, as I had before – I hate cramming
shit into these moments with the clock ticking. She
always has to go, always only has a few hours – I
just wanted to be able to spend one day WITHOUT that.
Because once he’s back – that’s gone.
This was really our only shot – and it’s
pretty much gone. Plus her legs hurt from the hike and
she doesn’t want to drive – so I say
I’ll pick her up at the parking lot close to her
house and we’d spend some time together.
It’s 4:30 at this point and I finally get her to
admit she’s completely lying. I hate to sound
harsh, but she just can’t seem to tell me the
truth sometimes. She admitted she was trying to limit
our time together because each time we were together
it just got harder and harder. That’s why she
wasted so much of the day. (sigh). I mean can you be
mad at someone for a lie like that? I guess. I
don’t know – I’m so beat emotionally
that it doesn’t matter. Seeing her changes my
day…so of course I’m going to pick her
up.
By the way - to
all sports nuts I’d like to tell you that I
watched the last round of the masters all day
(including that BREATH OF GOD shot on 16 by tiger)
only to leave when the SUDDEN-DEATH PLAYOFF started.
That’s love folks. And I was happy to leave.
;-)
So I pick her up
and we drive back to the house and spent another 3
hours in the same room (sigh). I wanted so badly to be
able to just run around in a park with her or do
“fun” stuff but when we see each other the
passion just takes over. What can you do I guess. Of
course everything was incredible and we felt closer
still. As we went to dinner he called, and she had to
take it. I got to sit there and listen to her lie to
him in what had to be the most uncomfortable moment of
our relationship by far. From hearing her be sweet
with him, to hearing her lie about where she was…
it just sucked. She had no choice really, but she knew
that she looked bad in front of me. At least it drives
her nuts you know? That should keep it from continuing
ad infinitum. We went to dinner and I drove her back
to her car. We ended up talking in bed as we went to
sleep over the phone. Absolutely in love. She is
certain about what has to happen and she just asked me
to give her some time to deal with
everything.
As I went to sleep
on Sunday I had no doubts. It was the most serene I
had ever felt. Of course this mirrors Palaur. If you
ever read all of Palaur – there are moments where
you KNOW that it’s going to happen. Yet it
changes on a dime. And then came
Monday…
…gasp no
problems. She called in the morning, and I had my
first day where I had no doubts. It was wonderful. The
IM for the day was pretty much all work bullshit with
some cute moments. We ended up meeting after work but
I thought it would be for an actual amount of time.
Apparently she had to get right home because he would
call her at HOME. (sigh). So we sat in the car for a
bit and talked. Full of all sorts of emotions. I
finally just straight up told her: “I love
you”. I was sick of acting like it was too soon.
As I said at the beginning of this entry I’ve
made every other statement and specifically avoid
saying love because it’s too soon? Whatever, I
know myself. Is it the love that grows after years?
NO. But I've seen more in her in 2
weeks...than
My feeling from
her was rather uneven. There are moments where I swear
to you she not only sounds like Laura, but says the
same things Laura would say. The obligation she has to
him concerning her – that guilt… You know
what’s crazy? She admitted that she had her bags
packed ready to go a few months ago. He stood in her
way and wouldn’t let her leave. I mean, how am I
not the final straw? How does she continue after this?
I’m stopping myself from writing anymore really
because it’s already been written. Not
necessarily the ending being the same - but at
this point anything I could say is a
carbon copy of Palaur. Goddamn this situation is just
so eerie. But the good news is, all of this drama is
actually coming to an end. He’s back for at least
ten days on Wednesday morning and our communication
will be severely limited.
And that is it.
She told me to call her before I went to sleep so I
need to get going but I had to get all this down. I am
trying to be realistic here. Trying so hard…but
until she proves herself to me – all the words
can only hold so much weight. I don’t think
she’s lying, I do believe she feels this stronger
than she’s ever felt…
…I just have
don't know if she thinks that means
anything.
