locked until 04.30.05 
9:12 PM, Monday, April 11th 2005:
I want so badly to be smart here. I want so badly to not get my heart run over. This seems to mirror Palaur on so many levels it's sickening. Even down to the moments in the car. Because of that I am so analytical about this. And I know I’m basically cracking the egg over my head as I type these sentences. It is almost assured that the egg will not run down the back of my head, it will end up on my face… but I love her. In every definition other than years of bonding – I love her. I shouldn’t say it, it’s only been 8-9 days and there’s so much emotion packed in here but when you know yourself like this – and you mix in this connection that has nothing to do with sex and lust – it’s just staring at someone…you very quickly start planning on how you’re going to change your life. So I am now to the point which I hoped I would avoid, and that is simply this: I will be devastated if she stays with him now. Completely wiped out. After this weekend… wow – just wow. And how did the Friday start? She called me up to have phone sex. She wanted to hear ME while she…
…are you kidding? Is there an Adam Kontras guidebook out there that I’m unaware of? So at work that morning:
AdamBeWorkin: whew
Palauragain: whew?
Palauragain: finally made it?
AdamBeWorkin: running late today
Palauragain: so I'm on this internal database...
Palauragain: that allows me to find out anything - about ANYONE
Palauragain: looking up some potential clients...
Palauragain: kinda funny
AdamBeWorkin: whatchoo finding
AdamBeWorkin: and seriously - she said she was 18
AdamBeWorkin: i swear
Palauragain: hahahaha
Palauragain: tell it to the judge, buddy...
AdamBeWorkin: i actually got fucked like that back when i was 22
Palauragain: how so?
AdamBeWorkin: but not legally
Palauragain: lying about ages...?
AdamBeWorkin: met a girl at the radio station
AdamBeWorkin: said she was 19
AdamBeWorkin: she was 16
AdamBeWorkin: sucked
Palauragain: <oops!>
AdamBeWorkin: found out about a week later
Palauragain: men...such suckas!
Palauragain: hee hee
AdamBeWorkin: well she was at the radio station at 3 in the morning man
AdamBeWorkin: i mean jesus
Palauragain: parents didnt care...
Palauragain: apparently
AdamBeWorkin: oh well obviously
AdamBeWorkin: i didn't even get into that whole thing
Palauragain: thats kinda sad
Palauragain: my parents were sooooo strict!
Palauragain: I kinda went thru the whole rebellious thing
Palauragain: when I was 17
Palauragain: and learned my lesson REAL QUICK!
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: there's gotta be a story there somewhere
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: too long to tell now...
AdamBeWorkin: did you intend on that call this morning
AdamBeWorkin: because you really are a guy then
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: course I did...
Palauragain: it was nice hearing your voice
AdamBeWorkin: in highschool
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: first thing in the morning
AdamBeWorkin: i was the phone sex master
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: hahahah
Palauragain: is that right?
AdamBeWorkin: yeah (embarrassed)
AdamBeWorkin: then i went right into talk radio...
AdamBeWorkin: at 19
Palauragain: well..u have the voice for it...no doubt
Palauragain: felt kinda dirty...like having phone sex with a 50 yr old man
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: lolol
AdamBeWorkin: so laughing right now
Palauragain: hehehe
Palauragain: sorry
Palauragain: yiu have such a deep voice
Palauragain: pretty sexy though...
AdamBeWorkin: it's funny my singing voice isn't
AdamBeWorkin: i mean it can be
AdamBeWorkin: but - god when you hear spencer sing
AdamBeWorkin: you REALLY need to know me well
AdamBeWorkin: before you see that shit
Palauragain: 'spencer'
AdamBeWorkin: ha
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: all these alte-egos
Palauragain: alter
Palauragain: kinda...
Palauragain: fascinating
AdamBeWorkin: just comedy babe
AdamBeWorkin: that's all
AdamBeWorkin: and i'm even impressed by how different i can look
AdamBeWorkin: with just hair and facial hair changes
Palauragain: glad someone is...
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: ;-)
Palauragain: hehe
Palauragain: see my wink smiley that time..?
Palauragain: nose and all?
Palauragain: k, busy bee...
Palauragain: i'm gonna go eat...among other things...
Palauragain: talk to u late!
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: man
AdamBeWorkin: without me
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: have fun with your client babe
AdamBeWorkin: get that sale
Palauragain: no, no...
Palauragain: not that kinda appt
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: ?
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: i thought you were meeting with a client?
AdamBeWorkin: oh
Palauragain: you'll see later...
AdamBeWorkin: lol
AdamBeWorkin: the WAX
Palauragain: hehe
Palauragain: <ouch!>
AdamBeWorkin: i look forward to it
Palauragain: yep!
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: i'll kiss it and make it better
AdamBeWorkin: heh
AdamBeWorkin: later babe
Palauragain: awww....so sweet
Palauragain: bye!
AdamBeWorkin: aren't i though?
AdamBeWorkin: ;-)
After lunch and uhm...waxing:
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: how ya lookin
Palauragain: great!
Palauragain: just a lil' painful...
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: :)
Palauragain: so..I was reading a few more ofyour journal entries...
AdamBeWorkin: yeah
AdamBeWorkin: ...
Palauragain: man...there is sooooo much
Palauragain: so many feelings inside you
Palauragain: on any given day
Palauragain: almost makes me want to start writing again! lol
Palauragain: almost!
AdamBeWorkin: well you have to understand what it is you're reading
AdamBeWorkin: it's not what anyone should really be reading
AdamBeWorkin: it's not really public
AdamBeWorkin: people assume that because i made it public
AdamBeWorkin: it's akin to what I talk about all the time
AdamBeWorkin: it is absolutely my innermost thoughts
AdamBeWorkin: that most people would never share
AdamBeWorkin: but because of the way the journey started
Palauragain: I'm surprised u post it...
Palauragain: on the world wide web
Palauragain: for anybody to access...
AdamBeWorkin: well i got cornered almost
AdamBeWorkin: if you read in january 2000
AdamBeWorkin: when it started
Palauragain: I can't imagine doing so...
AdamBeWorkin: it's very harmless
AdamBeWorkin: my intention was to show people
AdamBeWorkin: what it takes
Palauragain: didnt read that yet
AdamBeWorkin: to make it
Palauragain: kinda skipping around
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: just everything that happened
AdamBeWorkin: and show how you TRANSFORM
AdamBeWorkin: while going through all this shit
Palauragain: most of your 2005 ones
Palauragain: were allllll about jessica
AdamBeWorkin: so in 2001 - when i was playing comedy store
AdamBeWorkin: it was so huge
AdamBeWorkin: and i held nothing back
AdamBeWorkin: and then when it didn't work out
AdamBeWorkin: i had nowhere to hide
AdamBeWorkin: i'm not going to shut down the site
AdamBeWorkin: you know?
AdamBeWorkin: so you have to own up to the egg on your face
AdamBeWorkin: it forced me to be so fucking honest
Palauragain: hmmmm
AdamBeWorkin: and with Jessica - everyone knows her
AdamBeWorkin: I mean she read everything too
AdamBeWorkin: and if i ever said too much she'd ask me to edit it
Palauragain: it's quite endearing
AdamBeWorkin: but i never did
AdamBeWorkin: it was all very vague
AdamBeWorkin: about the specifics
AdamBeWorkin: and i DO lock entries
AdamBeWorkin: so no one can read them
Palauragain: you see a woman's perspective rather brilliantly...
AdamBeWorkin: i watched my mother get completely taken advantage of
AdamBeWorkin: so i am very in tune
AdamBeWorkin: with that
Palauragain: <all becoming a little bit clearer>
AdamBeWorkin: and i know the needs of a woman
AdamBeWorkin: always have
Palauragain: that's good...
AdamBeWorkin: so the deeper you go - it's easy to see
AdamBeWorkin: how we meshed on some levels and din't otherwise (food / sex)
Palauragain: amazing what an impact your childhood has one u as an adult...
AdamBeWorkin: oh my god yes
Palauragain: food?
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: I mean....
AdamBeWorkin: the food issues with jess
Palauragain: not to sound weird...
AdamBeWorkin: ho-lee shit
Palauragain: but if I started gaining weight...
Palauragain: and becoming lazy
Palauragain: rob would grab me..take me to the gym with him
AdamBeWorkin: but it's her whollllllllle life
AdamBeWorkin: everything revolves around food
Palauragain: hmmmm
Palauragain: it did in my Greek side too!
Palauragain: luckily I didnt get fat genes!
Palauragain: heheh
Palauragain: <shouldnt speak too soon though>
AdamBeWorkin: for example
AdamBeWorkin: the last week she was here
AdamBeWorkin: she lived with me
AdamBeWorkin: and my refirgerator is FILLLLLLLLLLED with shit
AdamBeWorkin: candy bars
AdamBeWorkin: bread
AdamBeWorkin: cookies
AdamBeWorkin: food
AdamBeWorkin: food
AdamBeWorkin: food
AdamBeWorkin: even low-carb, i just can't do that
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: why shit food though?
Palauragain: I guess when I'm upset...
AdamBeWorkin: because that's who she is
Palauragain: I vent in other ways
AdamBeWorkin: no it makes her happy
AdamBeWorkin: she actually doesn't eat that much
AdamBeWorkin: it's comforting to have it around
AdamBeWorkin: for me?
Palauragain: I get happy doing other things!
AdamBeWorkin: i can't have all that shit around
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: if that shit is around - i eat it
Palauragain: I hear you...
Palauragain: thats why I dont buy it
Palauragain: if its there, i'll eat it
AdamBeWorkin: yup
AdamBeWorkin: so the arguments we would have
Palauragain: out of sight...out of mind with food
AdamBeWorkin: whew
Palauragain: thats hard...
AdamBeWorkin: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
AdamBeWorkin: so anyway - nothing makes me happier than the fact that you get that
Palauragain: believe me...
Palauragain: my Greek family...always 'eat, eat, eat'
AdamBeWorkin: yup
Palauragain: I'm really surprised i'm not 200 lbs
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: heh
Palauragain: but thats why I work out...
AdamBeWorkin: but you will help me tremendously
Palauragain: thats a HUGE part of my life
AdamBeWorkin: right - you understand what it feels like to work out
AdamBeWorkin: so do i
Palauragain: I will never give up
AdamBeWorkin: but when you walk into your house
AdamBeWorkin: and it's one sabotage after another
Palauragain: ya?
Palauragain: I know, I know...
AdamBeWorkin: after she watched me lose 50 pounds
AdamBeWorkin: and then NOT want to touch me
AdamBeWorkin: because she felt bad about herself
Palauragain: why NOT?
Palauragain: oooooh
AdamBeWorkin: i swear
Palauragain: did u try to help motivate her?
AdamBeWorkin: and i tried to support her
Palauragain: to lose weight?
AdamBeWorkin: tried to get her to workout
Palauragain: yes...
AdamBeWorkin: and finally even said - i love the fuck out of you
AdamBeWorkin: didn't matter
Palauragain: hmmmmm
Palauragain: didnt mind the weight gain?
AdamBeWorkin: i have NEVER had a problem with her weight
Palauragain: cause you loved her for her...
AdamBeWorkin: i knew it was unhealthy
AdamBeWorkin: but i never cheated
Palauragain: thats amazing
AdamBeWorkin: i never DIDNT want her until she stopped wanting me
Palauragain: wow
Palauragain: u dont even know...
Palauragain: the guys I work with...
Palauragain: their wives get pregnant...cant lose weight right after
Palauragain: and they talk shit abiut her 'fat ass'
Palauragain: it disgusts me!
AdamBeWorkin: (sigh)
Palauragain: say 'why cant she have a body like you, Babe?'
Palauragain: I'm like 'FUCK, she just gave birth to your child ASSHOLE!"
AdamBeWorkin: dont get me started on that shit
Palauragain: give it time...
AdamBeWorkin: yeah
Palauragain: JESUS, u know?
AdamBeWorkin: well the habits BEFORE the pregnancy
AdamBeWorkin: are just as important
AdamBeWorkin: you'll be fine for example
Palauragain: I know I will...
AdamBeWorkin: because you care now
Palauragain: the only time I will be 'fat'...
Palauragain: is when I'm pregnant
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: which will be beautiful
AdamBeWorkin: and you know it
AdamBeWorkin: ;-)
Palauragain: of course
Palauragain: can't wait really...
Palauragain: one day...
AdamBeWorkin: heh
Palauragain: who knows
AdamBeWorkin: you had a freudian there didn't you
AdamBeWorkin: can't wait really...
Palauragain: :)
Palauragain: did I?
AdamBeWorkin: errrrrrrrrr someday!!!!!!
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: it's funny how
AdamBeWorkin: when you think certain things are possible
AdamBeWorkin: and certain feelings are attainable
AdamBeWorkin: that you kind of open up
AdamBeWorkin: and become....you
Palauragain: in general?
AdamBeWorkin: yeah
Palauragain: it's true...
Palauragain: <ouch!>
AdamBeWorkin: you can never really put your finger on what being "held back" really is
AdamBeWorkin: because you don't know what you'd do if you weren't...
Palauragain: exactly
AdamBeWorkin: but the second you see something
Palauragain: you understand....
AdamBeWorkin: that changes you...
AdamBeWorkin: then alllllllllllll these things look differnt
AdamBeWorkin: sound different
AdamBeWorkin: feel different
AdamBeWorkin: and you say things like you can't wait to have kids...
AdamBeWorkin: and then realize that 3 days ago (and i have this written down from an IM)
Palauragain: when just 3 days ago...I was against it
Palauragain: hahaha
AdamBeWorkin: you said - I am soooooooooooooooooooo not ready for that
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: i'm not against it
Palauragain: I just cant imagine with my husband right now
Palauragain: i'd be a single parent really
AdamBeWorkin: yeah
Palauragain: it'd fukken suck
Palauragain: i'd honestly be depressed
Palauragain: no family here
Palauragain: ehhhhh
AdamBeWorkin: yeah
Palauragain: u fight all the time
Palauragain: about that
AdamBeWorkin: ?
Palauragain: he wants me to go off the pill
Palauragain: and I won't
AdamBeWorkin: oh WE fight all the time
AdamBeWorkin: jesus is he crazy!??!
Palauragain: *we
Palauragain: sorry
Palauragain: he thinks having a kid now
AdamBeWorkin: does he even hear the things you say?
Palauragain: would fit his 'picture perfect life'
Palauragain: he thinks it would make us 'stronger'
AdamBeWorkin: whew
Palauragain: I dont necessarliy agree
AdamBeWorkin: wheeeeeeeew
AdamBeWorkin: so does he (and this is insanely personal) always cum inside you
AdamBeWorkin: just hoping it's the 1 in 100 shot?
AdamBeWorkin: heh
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: ummmm,
Palauragain: yeah
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: man
Palauragain: I've been on the pill since I was 18
Palauragain: it's NOT gonna work!
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: well it certainly can
Palauragain: but what are the chances??
AdamBeWorkin: hell jess was on the pill
AdamBeWorkin: and i would always cum outside of her
Palauragain: that shits been in my bod for like 10 yrs
AdamBeWorkin: just because i knew we weren't ready
AdamBeWorkin: i loved her
AdamBeWorkin: i wouldn't do that shit to her
AdamBeWorkin: goddamn
Palauragain: really?
AdamBeWorkin: what the fuck could he possibly thing
AdamBeWorkin: *think
Palauragain: like I said...
AdamBeWorkin: that would do positively!??!?!
Palauragain: he thinks its the 'next logical step'...
Palauragain: he's not really considering how I would feel
AdamBeWorkin: yeah - you pretty much nailed that
AdamBeWorkin: well because he knows you'd stay
AdamBeWorkin: at that point
AdamBeWorkin: if you were pregnant right now
Palauragain: 'stuck'
Palauragain: is the word
AdamBeWorkin: yup
Palauragain: I would 'need him'
Palauragain: and wouldnt leave
Palauragain: so he thinks...
AdamBeWorkin: which is what i couldn't do to Jess
AdamBeWorkin: see what love is?
Palauragain: so you never really did...inside her?
AdamBeWorkin: it scared me too much
AdamBeWorkin: because I knew it wasn't right for her
AdamBeWorkin: or me
AdamBeWorkin: i didnt want to go back to Ohio either...
AdamBeWorkin: and i knew she'd stay and be miserable
Palauragain: 'one way ticket'
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: how can you look someone you love and do that...
AdamBeWorkin: he just doesn't really understand how you feel
Palauragain: he has too
AdamBeWorkin: and he's obviously content with his marriage
Palauragain: it's no surprise
Palauragain: we've talked
AdamBeWorkin: well he has what he wants
AdamBeWorkin: the wife that he comes home to
Palauragain: he's content
AdamBeWorkin: that will have his kids
AdamBeWorkin: so he thinks
AdamBeWorkin: right
Palauragain: dont think completely happy
Palauragain: theres no way he could be
AdamBeWorkin: can someone like that BE completely happy?
AdamBeWorkin: his work makes him happy
AdamBeWorkin: right?
Palauragain: I have no idea
Palauragain: yes
Palauragain: it fullfills him I believe
AdamBeWorkin: you, or the idea of you, makes him happy
AdamBeWorkin: it can't feel good that you could almost be interchanged with someone who wants a kid
AdamBeWorkin: and his life wouldn't change much
AdamBeWorkin: the way you describe it
AdamBeWorkin: you're a piece of puzzele
AdamBeWorkin: and you have to TELL HIM
AdamBeWorkin: ....?
Palauragain: yes
Palauragain: I am a piece of the puzzle
Palauragain: he grew up in a VERY traditional Italian family
Palauragain: mom stayed home, dad worked
Palauragain: mom cooked and clean and had no real friends...
Palauragain: dad had work to fullfill him and many other outside hobbies (golf, karate...)
Palauragain: rob wants that life, too...
Palauragain: and...
Palauragain: I'm just not that
Palauragain: kind
Palauragain: of girl
AdamBeWorkin: is he mad you work?
Palauragain: well
Palauragain: he hates my office is so far
Palauragain: and I get home late
Palauragain: if u could have it his way....
Palauragain: I would have a 9-5 office job
Palauragain: 2 minutes from my house
Palauragain: and be home at exactly 5:02 pm on the dot
Palauragain: *if he could have it
Palauragain: I just...can't...
Palauragain: I enjoy my career
AdamBeWorkin: well what do you want to do when you have kids?
Palauragain: it doesnt rule my life
Palauragain: but we need 2 incomes to live in this city
AdamBeWorkin: no you dont
Palauragain: I couldnt NOT work right now
AdamBeWorkin: but go on...
Palauragain: we'd lose the house!
AdamBeWorkin: well you chose that house didn't you
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: our mtg payments are ridiculous!
Palauragain: I know...
Palauragain: it was the CHEAPEST
Palauragain: in this area..
AdamBeWorkin: people make the choices they want
Palauragain: but...
Palauragain: <sick of renting, throwing away money>
Palauragain: but...
Palauragain: if I quit now...to stay home with his kids...
Palauragain: I'd have to kiss many things goodbye
AdamBeWorkin: hang on hang on
Palauragain: k
AdamBeWorkin: first of all - stop talking about his kids
AdamBeWorkin: lol
Palauragain: hehe
AdamBeWorkin: it's like talking about unicorns
Palauragain: just saying....'
Palauragain: hahahaha
AdamBeWorkin: if you were in a different relationship
Palauragain: unicorns?
Palauragain: :)
AdamBeWorkin: and you were going to have kids
AdamBeWorkin: would you stay home?
Palauragain: of course!
Palauragain: I want too
Palauragain: when they are young
AdamBeWorkin: so then what's the porblem?
Palauragain: as long as my husband is around
AdamBeWorkin: right
Palauragain: and a part of the raising process
Palauragain: and the responsiblity is not left ALL ON ME
Palauragain: which it would be....
AdamBeWorkin: you can't imagine how much i want to raise kids
Palauragain: if rob and I were to have kids
AdamBeWorkin: right
AdamBeWorkin: i would probably fight you to be able to stay at home
AdamBeWorkin: heh
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: but here's what happens
Palauragain: no fight necessary
AdamBeWorkin: with people in this city
Palauragain: I want to!
AdamBeWorkin: is they price themselves out of raising kids
AdamBeWorkin: you dont need 2 incomes to make it
AdamBeWorkin: and even own a home
AdamBeWorkin: you have to cut back on other shit
Palauragain: not if one person is makin' bank!
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: shit people don't thnk about
AdamBeWorkin: bank is relative
Palauragain: I know, I know...no more Starbucks and new shoes
Palauragain: lol
AdamBeWorkin: but if you have to have that car
AdamBeWorkin: or that nice house in calabassas
Palauragain: my cars paid off!
AdamBeWorkin: then your kid
Palauragain: my house is small!
AdamBeWorkin: is going to be raised by maria
AdamBeWorkin: while both of you work
Palauragain: maria?
Palauragain: hehe
Palauragain: nope...
Palauragain: won't let that happen
Palauragain: why go through all that...to give birth....
Palauragain: to just pass em over to someone else
Palauragain: to raise?
AdamBeWorkin: right - as long as you have the priorities to make it not happen
AdamBeWorkin: then it wont
AdamBeWorkin: but i agree
AdamBeWorkin: for him to want to have kids
AdamBeWorkin: but have absolutely no way of being home for them
AdamBeWorkin: is stupid
Palauragain: no shit, right!!
AdamBeWorkin: he is with the wrong person for that
AdamBeWorkin: you can't do that
Palauragain: he's got the 'single mans' dream job
AdamBeWorkin: yup
AdamBeWorkin: well maybe...
AdamBeWorkin: that would drive me nuts
Palauragain: travel...high profile cities...VIP parties...never home
Palauragain: I mean...I know some people can do it
Palauragain: and be happy and successful
Palauragain: in both work and family
Palauragain: but...
Palauragain: I would want my husband there
Palauragain: to go with me to the doctors in the middle of the night...
Palauragain: if "junior" was sick!
Palauragain: lol
Palauragain: my brothers and I were raised by a single mom....
Palauragain: she went through HELL and gave up everything for us!
Palauragain: brb
AdamBeWorkin: yeah
She never got right back, but we spoke on the phone. She said she was hoping around 9:30pm to be out of dinner which was a work thing. I scurried home that night and cleaned like my life depended on it. LOL. If it wasn’t for guests I swear to you nothing would ever get done. Was done by around 8:45, poured a nice drink of whiskey and listened to a romantic CD. Of course when that was done I realized that I still hadn’t heard from her – so TOM WAITS it was. LOL. I absolutely adore depressing music and being slightly buzzed. Am I alone with that? It’s not that I necessarily get depressed – but it’s fun to sing bluesy shit, and think about depressing shit. Man I’m weird. I just have a lot of fodder for it these days – so it’s actually a productive thinking session.
Anyway she did call, and she did get there around 10:15 pm.
So add this to the list of things I’ve tried to describe that is impossible. The next 6 hours of our relationship were the most astonishing ever. In fact, if she does stay with him, she’s pretty much ruined any other woman’s chance at being with me ever again. She’s raised the bar so insanely high… The connection is just outrageous. The amount of time we spent just looking at each other or hugging each other so tight we thought we’d morph into one… Craziness. I just wanted to hold onto her. Almost as if subconsciously I thought I would never truly have her. I felt like I had to touch her as much as I could because she would be gone just as quick. Yet she felt the same way…so that couldn’t be it. Again, words can’t describe it. Most passionate night of my life. It was the start of what I hoped would be the perfect weekend. Not in the bedroom – but just hanging out – doing goofy things.
She had to have lunch or breakfast with her father who was in town but she said she’d call me in the morning. I waited and waited and waited. Finally at 3:15 pm she calls and says she had gotten busy but was finishing up laundry and wanted to come by a little later but that she also had dinner plans with her dad at 8:30. (sigh). My idea of just spending the weekend was dwindling but oh well at least I’d see her from 5 pm – 8 pm. The course of events were quite amusing actually. I can think of no better way to describe them other than bulletpoints.
-gets here at 5 pm, we talk for a bit.
-her husband calls, she goes outside and talks for a bit.
-she comes back and freaks out and says she should go.
-I look at her, and understand why and just sigh and shake my head “ok”
-we start to kiss, end up making love and come to the realization during a change of position that it’s never a good idea to do this on a white couch.
-we begin to race around looking for ways to clean blood stains all the while laughing at how ridiculous this scene would look to anyone watching.
-we go to Walgreen’s for some pads and then stop at Starbuck’s.
-she calls her dad and tries to get out of the dinner, ends up being just drinks much later.
-so we sit and have a blast talking at Starbucks and then go home and play Ms. Pac-man.
-I decide I’m ready for marriage as she fucking rocks at Ms. Pac-man (even with the speed chip), and I actually call Marty while she’s in the bathroom to tell him. So funny.
-End the night singing songs to her, talking, staring and laughing. Somehow we end up one-upping Friday night in terms of connection. It’s absolutely incredible how close I feel to her. She says she needs to hike with her neighbors in the morning but she’d call me the next day so we could spend the last day of the weekend together.
Roller coaster of emotions continue. I get no call in the morning. At 12:30 she calls and says she’s on her way back but then she’s going out to eat with her neighbors and she’d call. ?!?! I start to say “Don’t bother to call, just come on by” and of course the phone cuts off at “Don’t bother to call”. (sigh) only to me folks. ONLY. TO. ME.
I call back leave a message… call and call – nothing. I’m thinking her phone must be dead because you always call back when you get disconnected right? Hours pass. My day is blown. Finally around 3 she calls. I try to be cool, but I’m obviously pissed. She keeps saying “we still have the whole day” – and I explain, as I had before – I hate cramming shit into these moments with the clock ticking. She always has to go, always only has a few hours – I just wanted to be able to spend one day WITHOUT that. Because once he’s back – that’s gone. This was really our only shot – and it’s pretty much gone. Plus her legs hurt from the hike and she doesn’t want to drive – so I say I’ll pick her up at the parking lot close to her house and we’d spend some time together. It’s 4:30 at this point and I finally get her to admit she’s completely lying. I hate to sound harsh, but she just can’t seem to tell me the truth sometimes. She admitted she was trying to limit our time together because each time we were together it just got harder and harder. That’s why she wasted so much of the day. (sigh). I mean can you be mad at someone for a lie like that? I guess. I don’t know – I’m so beat emotionally that it doesn’t matter. Seeing her changes my day…so of course I’m going to pick her up.
By the way - to all sports nuts I’d like to tell you that I watched the last round of the masters all day (including that BREATH OF GOD shot on 16 by tiger) only to leave when the SUDDEN-DEATH PLAYOFF started. That’s love folks. And I was happy to leave. ;-)
So I pick her up and we drive back to the house and spent another 3 hours in the same room (sigh). I wanted so badly to be able to just run around in a park with her or do “fun” stuff but when we see each other the passion just takes over. What can you do I guess. Of course everything was incredible and we felt closer still. As we went to dinner he called, and she had to take it. I got to sit there and listen to her lie to him in what had to be the most uncomfortable moment of our relationship by far. From hearing her be sweet with him, to hearing her lie about where she was… it just sucked. She had no choice really, but she knew that she looked bad in front of me. At least it drives her nuts you know? That should keep it from continuing ad infinitum. We went to dinner and I drove her back to her car. We ended up talking in bed as we went to sleep over the phone. Absolutely in love. She is certain about what has to happen and she just asked me to give her some time to deal with everything.
As I went to sleep on Sunday I had no doubts. It was the most serene I had ever felt. Of course this mirrors Palaur. If you ever read all of Palaur – there are moments where you KNOW that it’s going to happen. Yet it changes on a dime. And then came Monday…
…gasp no problems. She called in the morning, and I had my first day where I had no doubts. It was wonderful. The IM for the day was pretty much all work bullshit with some cute moments. We ended up meeting after work but I thought it would be for an actual amount of time. Apparently she had to get right home because he would call her at HOME. (sigh). So we sat in the car for a bit and talked. Full of all sorts of emotions. I finally just straight up told her: “I love you”. I was sick of acting like it was too soon. As I said at the beginning of this entry I’ve made every other statement and specifically avoid saying love because it’s too soon? Whatever, I know myself. Is it the love that grows after years? NO. But I've seen more in her in 2 weeks...than
My feeling from her was rather uneven. There are moments where I swear to you she not only sounds like Laura, but says the same things Laura would say. The obligation she has to him concerning her – that guilt… You know what’s crazy? She admitted that she had her bags packed ready to go a few months ago. He stood in her way and wouldn’t let her leave. I mean, how am I not the final straw? How does she continue after this? I’m stopping myself from writing anymore really because it’s already been written. Not necessarily the ending being the same - but at this point anything I could say is a carbon copy of Palaur. Goddamn this situation is just so eerie. But the good news is, all of this drama is actually coming to an end. He’s back for at least ten days on Wednesday morning and our communication will be severely limited.
And that is it. She told me to call her before I went to sleep so I need to get going but I had to get all this down. I am trying to be realistic here. Trying so hard…but until she proves herself to me – all the words can only hold so much weight. I don’t think she’s lying, I do believe she feels this stronger than she’s ever felt…
…I just have don't know if she thinks that means anything.
So what will tomorrow bring…