locked until 04.30.05 

 

9:12 PM, Monday, April 11th 2005:   I want so badly to be smart here. I want so badly to not get my heart run over. This seems to mirror Palaur on so many levels it's sickening. Even down to the moments in the car. Because of that I am so analytical about this. And I know I’m basically cracking the egg over my head as I type these sentences. It is almost assured that the egg will not run down the back of my head, it will end up on my face… but I love her. In every definition other than years of bonding – I love her. I shouldn’t say it, it’s only been 8-9 days and there’s so much emotion packed in here but when you know yourself like this – and you mix in this connection that has nothing to do with sex and lust – it’s just staring at someone…you very quickly start planning on how you’re going to change your life. So I am now to the point which I hoped I would avoid, and that is simply this: I will be devastated if she stays with him now. Completely wiped out. After this weekend… wow – just wow. And how did the Friday start? She called me up to have phone sex. She wanted to hear ME while she…   …are you kidding? Is there an Adam Kontras guidebook out there that I’m unaware of? So at work that morning:       AdamBeWorkin: whew Palauragain: whew? Palauragain: finally made it? AdamBeWorkin: running late today Palauragain: so I'm on this internal database... Palauragain: that allows me to find out anything - about ANYONE Palauragain: looking up some potential clients... Palauragain: kinda funny AdamBeWorkin: whatchoo finding AdamBeWorkin: and seriously - she said she was 18 AdamBeWorkin: i swear Palauragain: hahahaha Palauragain: tell it to the judge, buddy... AdamBeWorkin: i actually got fucked like that back when i was 22 Palauragain: how so? AdamBeWorkin: but not legally Palauragain: lying about ages...? AdamBeWorkin: met a girl at the radio station AdamBeWorkin: said she was 19 AdamBeWorkin: she was 16 AdamBeWorkin: sucked Palauragain: <oops!> AdamBeWorkin: found out about a week later Palauragain: men...such suckas! Palauragain: hee hee AdamBeWorkin: well she was at the radio station at 3 in the morning man AdamBeWorkin: i mean jesus Palauragain: parents didnt care... Palauragain: apparently AdamBeWorkin: oh well obviously AdamBeWorkin: i didn't even get into that whole thing Palauragain: thats kinda sad Palauragain: my parents were sooooo strict! Palauragain: I kinda went thru the whole rebellious thing Palauragain: when I was 17 Palauragain: and learned my lesson REAL QUICK! Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: there's gotta be a story there somewhere Palauragain: lol Palauragain: too long to tell now... AdamBeWorkin: did you intend on that call this morning AdamBeWorkin: because you really are a guy then AdamBeWorkin: lol Palauragain: lol Palauragain: course I did... Palauragain: it was nice hearing your voice AdamBeWorkin: in highschool AdamBeWorkin: lol Palauragain: first thing in the morning AdamBeWorkin: i was the phone sex master AdamBeWorkin: lol Palauragain: hahahah Palauragain: is that right? AdamBeWorkin: yeah (embarrassed) AdamBeWorkin: then i went right into talk radio... AdamBeWorkin: at 19 Palauragain: well..u have the voice for it...no doubt Palauragain: felt kinda dirty...like having phone sex with a 50 yr old man Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: HAHAHAHAHAHA AdamBeWorkin: lolol AdamBeWorkin: so laughing right now Palauragain: hehehe Palauragain: sorry Palauragain: yiu have such a deep voice Palauragain: pretty sexy though... AdamBeWorkin: it's funny my singing voice isn't AdamBeWorkin: i mean it can be AdamBeWorkin: but - god when you hear spencer sing AdamBeWorkin: you REALLY need to know me well AdamBeWorkin: before you see that shit Palauragain: 'spencer' AdamBeWorkin: ha Palauragain: lol Palauragain: all these alte-egos Palauragain: alter Palauragain: kinda... Palauragain: fascinating AdamBeWorkin: just comedy babe AdamBeWorkin: that's all AdamBeWorkin: and i'm even impressed by how different i can look AdamBeWorkin: with just hair and facial hair changes Palauragain: glad someone is... AdamBeWorkin: lol Palauragain: ;-) Palauragain: hehe Palauragain: see my wink smiley that time..? Palauragain: nose and all? Palauragain: k, busy bee... Palauragain: i'm gonna go eat...among other things... Palauragain: talk to u late! Palauragain: :) AdamBeWorkin: man AdamBeWorkin: without me AdamBeWorkin: lol AdamBeWorkin: have fun with your client babe AdamBeWorkin: get that sale Palauragain: no, no... Palauragain: not that kinda appt Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: ? Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: i thought you were meeting with a client? AdamBeWorkin: oh Palauragain: you'll see later... AdamBeWorkin: lol AdamBeWorkin: the WAX Palauragain: hehe AdamBeWorkin: Palauragain: <ouch!> AdamBeWorkin: i look forward to it Palauragain: yep! Palauragain: :) AdamBeWorkin: i'll kiss it and make it better AdamBeWorkin: heh AdamBeWorkin: later babe Palauragain: awww....so sweet Palauragain: bye! AdamBeWorkin: aren't i though? AdamBeWorkin: ;-)   After lunch and uhm...waxing:   Palauragain: :) AdamBeWorkin: AdamBeWorkin: how ya lookin Palauragain: great! Palauragain: just a lil' painful... Palauragain: lol Palauragain: :) Palauragain: so..I was reading a few more ofyour journal entries... AdamBeWorkin: yeah AdamBeWorkin: ... Palauragain: man...there is sooooo much Palauragain: so many feelings inside you Palauragain: on any given day Palauragain: almost makes me want to start writing again! lol Palauragain: almost! AdamBeWorkin: well you have to understand what it is you're reading AdamBeWorkin: it's not what anyone should really be reading AdamBeWorkin: it's not really public AdamBeWorkin: people assume that because i made it public AdamBeWorkin: it's akin to what I talk about all the time AdamBeWorkin: it is absolutely my innermost thoughts AdamBeWorkin: that most people would never share AdamBeWorkin: but because of the way the journey started Palauragain: I'm surprised u post it... Palauragain: on the world wide web Palauragain: for anybody to access... AdamBeWorkin: well i got cornered almost AdamBeWorkin: if you read in january 2000 AdamBeWorkin: when it started Palauragain: I can't imagine doing so... AdamBeWorkin: it's very harmless AdamBeWorkin: my intention was to show people AdamBeWorkin: what it takes Palauragain: didnt read that yet AdamBeWorkin: to make it Palauragain: kinda skipping around Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: just everything that happened AdamBeWorkin: and show how you TRANSFORM AdamBeWorkin: while going through all this shit Palauragain: most of your 2005 ones Palauragain: were allllll about jessica AdamBeWorkin: so in 2001 - when i was playing comedy store AdamBeWorkin: it was so huge AdamBeWorkin: and i held nothing back AdamBeWorkin: and then when it didn't work out AdamBeWorkin: i had nowhere to hide AdamBeWorkin: i'm not going to shut down the site AdamBeWorkin: you know? AdamBeWorkin: so you have to own up to the egg on your face AdamBeWorkin: it forced me to be so fucking honest Palauragain: hmmmm AdamBeWorkin: and with Jessica - everyone knows her AdamBeWorkin: I mean she read everything too AdamBeWorkin: and if i ever said too much she'd ask me to edit it Palauragain: it's quite endearing AdamBeWorkin: but i never did AdamBeWorkin: it was all very vague AdamBeWorkin: about the specifics AdamBeWorkin: and i DO lock entries AdamBeWorkin: so no one can read them Palauragain: you see a woman's perspective rather brilliantly... AdamBeWorkin: i watched my mother get completely taken advantage of AdamBeWorkin: so i am very in tune AdamBeWorkin: with that Palauragain: <all becoming a little bit clearer> AdamBeWorkin: and i know the needs of a woman AdamBeWorkin: always have Palauragain: that's good... AdamBeWorkin: so the deeper you go - it's easy to see AdamBeWorkin: how we meshed on some levels and din't otherwise (food / sex) Palauragain: amazing what an impact your childhood has one u as an adult... AdamBeWorkin: oh my god yes Palauragain: food? Palauragain: lol Palauragain: I mean.... AdamBeWorkin: the food issues with jess Palauragain: not to sound weird... AdamBeWorkin: ho-lee shit Palauragain: but if I started gaining weight... Palauragain: and becoming lazy Palauragain: rob would grab me..take me to the gym with him AdamBeWorkin: but it's her whollllllllle life AdamBeWorkin: everything revolves around food Palauragain: hmmmm Palauragain: it did in my Greek side too! Palauragain: luckily I didnt get fat genes! Palauragain: heheh Palauragain: <shouldnt speak too soon though> AdamBeWorkin: for example AdamBeWorkin: the last week she was here AdamBeWorkin: she lived with me AdamBeWorkin: and my refirgerator is FILLLLLLLLLLED with shit AdamBeWorkin: candy bars AdamBeWorkin: bread AdamBeWorkin: cookies AdamBeWorkin: food AdamBeWorkin: food AdamBeWorkin: food AdamBeWorkin: even low-carb, i just can't do that AdamBeWorkin: lol Palauragain: why shit food though? Palauragain: I guess when I'm upset... AdamBeWorkin: because that's who she is Palauragain: I vent in other ways AdamBeWorkin: no it makes her happy AdamBeWorkin: she actually doesn't eat that much AdamBeWorkin: it's comforting to have it around AdamBeWorkin: for me? Palauragain: I get happy doing other things! AdamBeWorkin: i can't have all that shit around Palauragain: :) AdamBeWorkin: AdamBeWorkin: if that shit is around - i eat it Palauragain: I hear you... Palauragain: thats why I dont buy it Palauragain: if its there, i'll eat it AdamBeWorkin: yup AdamBeWorkin: so the arguments we would have Palauragain: out of sight...out of mind with food AdamBeWorkin: whew Palauragain: thats hard... AdamBeWorkin: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck AdamBeWorkin: so anyway - nothing makes me happier than the fact that you get that Palauragain: believe me... Palauragain: my Greek family...always 'eat, eat, eat' AdamBeWorkin: yup Palauragain: I'm really surprised i'm not 200 lbs Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: heh Palauragain: but thats why I work out... AdamBeWorkin: but you will help me tremendously Palauragain: thats a HUGE part of my life AdamBeWorkin: right - you understand what it feels like to work out AdamBeWorkin: so do i Palauragain: I will never give up AdamBeWorkin: but when you walk into your house AdamBeWorkin: and it's one sabotage after another Palauragain: ya? Palauragain: I know, I know... AdamBeWorkin: after she watched me lose 50 pounds AdamBeWorkin: and then NOT want to touch me AdamBeWorkin: because she felt bad about herself Palauragain: why NOT? Palauragain: oooooh AdamBeWorkin: i swear Palauragain: did u try to help motivate her? AdamBeWorkin: and i tried to support her Palauragain: to lose weight? AdamBeWorkin: tried to get her to workout Palauragain: yes... AdamBeWorkin: and finally even said - i love the fuck out of you AdamBeWorkin: didn't matter Palauragain: hmmmmm Palauragain: didnt mind the weight gain? AdamBeWorkin: i have NEVER had a problem with her weight Palauragain: cause you loved her for her... AdamBeWorkin: i knew it was unhealthy AdamBeWorkin: but i never cheated Palauragain: thats amazing AdamBeWorkin: i never DIDNT want her until she stopped wanting me Palauragain: wow Palauragain: u dont even know... Palauragain: the guys I work with... Palauragain: their wives get pregnant...cant lose weight right after Palauragain: and they talk shit abiut her 'fat ass' Palauragain: it disgusts me! AdamBeWorkin: (sigh) Palauragain: say 'why cant she have a body like you, Babe?' Palauragain: I'm like 'FUCK, she just gave birth to your child ASSHOLE!" AdamBeWorkin: dont get me started on that shit Palauragain: give it time... AdamBeWorkin: yeah Palauragain: JESUS, u know? AdamBeWorkin: well the habits BEFORE the pregnancy AdamBeWorkin: are just as important AdamBeWorkin: you'll be fine for example Palauragain: I know I will... AdamBeWorkin: because you care now Palauragain: the only time I will be 'fat'... Palauragain: is when I'm pregnant Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: which will be beautiful AdamBeWorkin: and you know it AdamBeWorkin: ;-) Palauragain: of course Palauragain: can't wait really... Palauragain: one day... AdamBeWorkin: heh Palauragain: who knows AdamBeWorkin: you had a freudian there didn't you AdamBeWorkin: can't wait really... Palauragain: :) Palauragain: did I? AdamBeWorkin: errrrrrrrrr someday!!!!!! AdamBeWorkin: lol Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: it's funny how AdamBeWorkin: when you think certain things are possible AdamBeWorkin: and certain feelings are attainable AdamBeWorkin: that you kind of open up AdamBeWorkin: and become....you Palauragain: in general? AdamBeWorkin: yeah Palauragain: it's true... Palauragain: <ouch!> AdamBeWorkin: you can never really put your finger on what being "held back" really is AdamBeWorkin: because you don't know what you'd do if you weren't... Palauragain: exactly AdamBeWorkin: but the second you see something Palauragain: you understand.... AdamBeWorkin: that changes you... AdamBeWorkin: then alllllllllllll these things look differnt AdamBeWorkin: sound different AdamBeWorkin: feel different AdamBeWorkin: and you say things like you can't wait to have kids... AdamBeWorkin: and then realize that 3 days ago (and i have this written down from an IM) Palauragain: when just 3 days ago...I was against it Palauragain: hahaha AdamBeWorkin: you said - I am soooooooooooooooooooo not ready for that AdamBeWorkin: lol Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: Palauragain: i'm not against it Palauragain: I just cant imagine with my husband right now Palauragain: i'd be a single parent really AdamBeWorkin: yeah Palauragain: it'd fukken suck Palauragain: i'd honestly be depressed Palauragain: no family here Palauragain: ehhhhh AdamBeWorkin: yeah Palauragain: u fight all the time Palauragain: about that AdamBeWorkin: ? Palauragain: he wants me to go off the pill Palauragain: and I won't AdamBeWorkin: oh WE fight all the time AdamBeWorkin: jesus is he crazy!??! Palauragain: *we Palauragain: sorry Palauragain: he thinks having a kid now AdamBeWorkin: does he even hear the things you say? Palauragain: would fit his 'picture perfect life' Palauragain: he thinks it would make us 'stronger' AdamBeWorkin: whew Palauragain: I dont necessarliy agree AdamBeWorkin: wheeeeeeeew AdamBeWorkin: so does he (and this is insanely personal) always cum inside you AdamBeWorkin: just hoping it's the 1 in 100 shot? AdamBeWorkin: heh Palauragain: lol Palauragain: ummmm, Palauragain: yeah Palauragain: :) AdamBeWorkin: man Palauragain: I've been on the pill since I was 18 Palauragain: it's NOT gonna work! Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: well it certainly can Palauragain: but what are the chances?? AdamBeWorkin: hell jess was on the pill AdamBeWorkin: and i would always cum outside of her Palauragain: that shits been in my bod for like 10 yrs AdamBeWorkin: just because i knew we weren't ready AdamBeWorkin: i loved her AdamBeWorkin: i wouldn't do that shit to her AdamBeWorkin: goddamn Palauragain: really? AdamBeWorkin: what the fuck could he possibly thing AdamBeWorkin: *think Palauragain: like I said... AdamBeWorkin: that would do positively!??!?! Palauragain: he thinks its the 'next logical step'... Palauragain: he's not really considering how I would feel AdamBeWorkin: yeah - you pretty much nailed that AdamBeWorkin: well because he knows you'd stay AdamBeWorkin: at that point AdamBeWorkin: if you were pregnant right now Palauragain: 'stuck' Palauragain: is the word AdamBeWorkin: yup Palauragain: I would 'need him' Palauragain: and wouldnt leave Palauragain: so he thinks... AdamBeWorkin: which is what i couldn't do to Jess AdamBeWorkin: see what love is? Palauragain: so you never really did...inside her? AdamBeWorkin: RARRRRRRRRRRRELY AdamBeWorkin: it scared me too much AdamBeWorkin: because I knew it wasn't right for her AdamBeWorkin: or me AdamBeWorkin: i didnt want to go back to Ohio either... AdamBeWorkin: and i knew she'd stay and be miserable Palauragain: 'one way ticket' Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: how can you look someone you love and do that... AdamBeWorkin: he just doesn't really understand how you feel Palauragain: he has too AdamBeWorkin: and he's obviously content with his marriage Palauragain: it's no surprise Palauragain: we've talked AdamBeWorkin: well he has what he wants AdamBeWorkin: the wife that he comes home to Palauragain: he's content AdamBeWorkin: that will have his kids AdamBeWorkin: so he thinks AdamBeWorkin: right Palauragain: dont think completely happy Palauragain: theres no way he could be AdamBeWorkin: can someone like that BE completely happy? AdamBeWorkin: his work makes him happy AdamBeWorkin: right? Palauragain: I have no idea Palauragain: yes Palauragain: it fullfills him I believe AdamBeWorkin: you, or the idea of you, makes him happy AdamBeWorkin: it can't feel good that you could almost be interchanged with someone who wants a kid AdamBeWorkin: and his life wouldn't change much AdamBeWorkin: the way you describe it AdamBeWorkin: you're a piece of puzzele AdamBeWorkin: and you have to TELL HIM AdamBeWorkin: ....? Palauragain: yes Palauragain: I am a piece of the puzzle Palauragain: he grew up in a VERY traditional Italian family Palauragain: mom stayed home, dad worked Palauragain: mom cooked and clean and had no real friends... Palauragain: dad had work to fullfill him and many other outside hobbies (golf, karate...) Palauragain: rob wants that life, too... Palauragain: and... Palauragain: I'm just not that Palauragain: kind Palauragain: of girl AdamBeWorkin: is he mad you work? Palauragain: well Palauragain: he hates my office is so far Palauragain: and I get home late Palauragain: if u could have it his way.... Palauragain: I would have a 9-5 office job Palauragain: 2 minutes from my house Palauragain: and be home at exactly 5:02 pm on the dot Palauragain: EVERY SINGLE FUKKEN DAY Palauragain: *if he could have it Palauragain: I just...can't... Palauragain: I enjoy my career AdamBeWorkin: well what do you want to do when you have kids? Palauragain: it doesnt rule my life Palauragain: but we need 2 incomes to live in this city AdamBeWorkin: no you dont Palauragain: I couldnt NOT work right now AdamBeWorkin: but go on... Palauragain: we'd lose the house! AdamBeWorkin: well you chose that house didn't you AdamBeWorkin: lol Palauragain: our mtg payments are ridiculous! Palauragain: I know... Palauragain: it was the CHEAPEST Palauragain: in this area.. AdamBeWorkin: people make the choices they want Palauragain: but... Palauragain: <sick of renting, throwing away money> Palauragain: but... Palauragain: if I quit now...to stay home with his kids... Palauragain: I'd have to kiss many things goodbye AdamBeWorkin: hang on hang on Palauragain: k AdamBeWorkin: first of all - stop talking about his kids AdamBeWorkin: lol Palauragain: hehe AdamBeWorkin: it's like talking about unicorns Palauragain: just saying....' Palauragain: hahahaha AdamBeWorkin: if you were in a different relationship Palauragain: unicorns? Palauragain: :) AdamBeWorkin: and you were going to have kids AdamBeWorkin: would you stay home? Palauragain: of course! Palauragain: I want too Palauragain: when they are young AdamBeWorkin: so then what's the porblem? Palauragain: as long as my husband is around AdamBeWorkin: right Palauragain: and a part of the raising process Palauragain: and the responsiblity is not left ALL ON ME Palauragain: which it would be.... AdamBeWorkin: you can't imagine how much i want to raise kids Palauragain: if rob and I were to have kids AdamBeWorkin: right AdamBeWorkin: i would probably fight you to be able to stay at home AdamBeWorkin: heh Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: but here's what happens Palauragain: no fight necessary AdamBeWorkin: with people in this city Palauragain: I want to! AdamBeWorkin: is they price themselves out of raising kids AdamBeWorkin: you dont need 2 incomes to make it AdamBeWorkin: and even own a home AdamBeWorkin: you have to cut back on other shit Palauragain: not if one person is makin' bank! Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: shit people don't thnk about AdamBeWorkin: bank is relative Palauragain: I know, I know...no more Starbucks and new shoes Palauragain: lol AdamBeWorkin: but if you have to have that car AdamBeWorkin: or that nice house in calabassas Palauragain: my cars paid off! AdamBeWorkin: then your kid Palauragain: my house is small! AdamBeWorkin: is going to be raised by maria AdamBeWorkin: while both of you work Palauragain: maria? Palauragain: hehe Palauragain: nope... Palauragain: won't let that happen Palauragain: why go through all that...to give birth.... Palauragain: to just pass em over to someone else Palauragain: to raise? AdamBeWorkin: right - as long as you have the priorities to make it not happen AdamBeWorkin: then it wont AdamBeWorkin: but i agree AdamBeWorkin: for him to want to have kids AdamBeWorkin: but have absolutely no way of being home for them AdamBeWorkin: is stupid Palauragain: no shit, right!! AdamBeWorkin: he is with the wrong person for that AdamBeWorkin: you can't do that Palauragain: he's got the 'single mans' dream job AdamBeWorkin: yup AdamBeWorkin: well maybe... AdamBeWorkin: that would drive me nuts Palauragain: travel...high profile cities...VIP parties...never home Palauragain: I mean...I know some people can do it Palauragain: and be happy and successful Palauragain: in both work and family Palauragain: but... Palauragain: I would want my husband there Palauragain: to go with me to the doctors in the middle of the night... Palauragain: if "junior" was sick! Palauragain: lol Palauragain: my brothers and I were raised by a single mom.... Palauragain: she went through HELL and gave up everything for us! Palauragain: brb AdamBeWorkin: yeah     She never got right back, but we spoke on the phone. She said she was hoping around 9:30pm to be out of dinner which was a work thing. I scurried home that night and cleaned like my life depended on it. LOL. If it wasn’t for guests I swear to you nothing would ever get done. Was done by around 8:45, poured a nice drink of whiskey and listened to a romantic CD. Of course when that was done I realized that I still hadn’t heard from her – so TOM WAITS it was. LOL. I absolutely adore depressing music and being slightly buzzed. Am I alone with that? It’s not that I necessarily get depressed – but it’s fun to sing bluesy shit, and think about depressing shit. Man I’m weird. I just have a lot of fodder for it these days – so it’s actually a productive thinking session.   Anyway she did call, and she did get there around 10:15 pm.   So add this to the list of things I’ve tried to describe that is impossible. The next 6 hours of our relationship were the most astonishing ever. In fact, if she does stay with him, she’s pretty much ruined any other woman’s chance at being with me ever again. She’s raised the bar so insanely high… The connection is just outrageous. The amount of time we spent just looking at each other or hugging each other so tight we thought we’d morph into one… Craziness. I just wanted to hold onto her. Almost as if subconsciously I thought I would never truly have her. I felt like I had to touch her as much as I could because she would be gone just as quick. Yet she felt the same way…so that couldn’t be it. Again, words can’t describe it. Most passionate night of my life. It was the start of what I hoped would be the perfect weekend. Not in the bedroom – but just hanging out – doing goofy things.   She had to have lunch or breakfast with her father who was in town but she said she’d call me in the morning. I waited and waited and waited. Finally at 3:15 pm she calls and says she had gotten busy but was finishing up laundry and wanted to come by a little later but that she also had dinner plans with her dad at 8:30. (sigh). My idea of just spending the weekend was dwindling but oh well at least I’d see her from 5 pm – 8 pm. The course of events were quite amusing actually. I can think of no better way to describe them other than bulletpoints.   -gets here at 5 pm, we talk for a bit.   -her husband calls, she goes outside and talks for a bit.   -she comes back and freaks out and says she should go.   -I look at her, and understand why and just sigh and shake my head “ok”   -we start to kiss, end up making love and come to the realization during a change of position that it’s never a good idea to do this on a white couch.   -we begin to race around looking for ways to clean blood stains all the while laughing at how ridiculous this scene would look to anyone watching.   -we go to Walgreen’s for some pads and then stop at Starbuck’s.   -she calls her dad and tries to get out of the dinner, ends up being just drinks much later.   -so we sit and have a blast talking at Starbucks and then go home and play Ms. Pac-man.   -I decide I’m ready for marriage as she fucking rocks at Ms. Pac-man (even with the speed chip), and I actually call Marty while she’s in the bathroom to tell him. So funny.   -End the night singing songs to her, talking, staring and laughing. Somehow we end up one-upping Friday night in terms of connection. It’s absolutely incredible how close I feel to her. She says she needs to hike with her neighbors in the morning but she’d call me the next day so we could spend the last day of the weekend together.   Roller coaster of emotions continue. I get no call in the morning. At 12:30 she calls and says she’s on her way back but then she’s going out to eat with her neighbors and she’d call. ?!?! I start to say “Don’t bother to call, just come on by” and of course the phone cuts off at “Don’t bother to call”. (sigh) only to me folks. ONLY. TO. ME.   I call back leave a message… call and call – nothing. I’m thinking her phone must be dead because you always call back when you get disconnected right? Hours pass. My day is blown. Finally around 3 she calls. I try to be cool, but I’m obviously pissed. She keeps saying “we still have the whole day” – and I explain, as I had before – I hate cramming shit into these moments with the clock ticking. She always has to go, always only has a few hours – I just wanted to be able to spend one day WITHOUT that. Because once he’s back – that’s gone. This was really our only shot – and it’s pretty much gone. Plus her legs hurt from the hike and she doesn’t want to drive – so I say I’ll pick her up at the parking lot close to her house and we’d spend some time together. It’s 4:30 at this point and I finally get her to admit she’s completely lying. I hate to sound harsh, but she just can’t seem to tell me the truth sometimes. She admitted she was trying to limit our time together because each time we were together it just got harder and harder. That’s why she wasted so much of the day. (sigh). I mean can you be mad at someone for a lie like that? I guess. I don’t know – I’m so beat emotionally that it doesn’t matter. Seeing her changes my day…so of course I’m going to pick her up.   By the way - to all sports nuts I’d like to tell you that I watched the last round of the masters all day (including that BREATH OF GOD shot on 16 by tiger) only to leave when the SUDDEN-DEATH PLAYOFF started. That’s love folks. And I was happy to leave. ;-)   So I pick her up and we drive back to the house and spent another 3 hours in the same room (sigh). I wanted so badly to be able to just run around in a park with her or do “fun” stuff but when we see each other the passion just takes over. What can you do I guess. Of course everything was incredible and we felt closer still. As we went to dinner he called, and she had to take it. I got to sit there and listen to her lie to him in what had to be the most uncomfortable moment of our relationship by far. From hearing her be sweet with him, to hearing her lie about where she was… it just sucked. She had no choice really, but she knew that she looked bad in front of me. At least it drives her nuts you know? That should keep it from continuing ad infinitum. We went to dinner and I drove her back to her car. We ended up talking in bed as we went to sleep over the phone. Absolutely in love. She is certain about what has to happen and she just asked me to give her some time to deal with everything.   As I went to sleep on Sunday I had no doubts. It was the most serene I had ever felt. Of course this mirrors Palaur. If you ever read all of Palaur – there are moments where you KNOW that it’s going to happen. Yet it changes on a dime. And then came Monday…   …gasp no problems. She called in the morning, and I had my first day where I had no doubts. It was wonderful. The IM for the day was pretty much all work bullshit with some cute moments. We ended up meeting after work but I thought it would be for an actual amount of time. Apparently she had to get right home because he would call her at HOME. (sigh). So we sat in the car for a bit and talked. Full of all sorts of emotions. I finally just straight up told her: “I love you”. I was sick of acting like it was too soon. As I said at the beginning of this entry I’ve made every other statement and specifically avoid saying love because it’s too soon? Whatever, I know myself. Is it the love that grows after years? NO. But I've seen more in her in 2 weeks...than   My feeling from her was rather uneven. There are moments where I swear to you she not only sounds like Laura, but says the same things Laura would say. The obligation she has to him concerning her – that guilt… You know what’s crazy? She admitted that she had her bags packed ready to go a few months ago. He stood in her way and wouldn’t let her leave. I mean, how am I not the final straw? How does she continue after this? I’m stopping myself from writing anymore really because it’s already been written. Not necessarily the ending being the same - but at this point anything I could say is a carbon copy of Palaur. Goddamn this situation is just so eerie. But the good news is, all of this drama is actually coming to an end. He’s back for at least ten days on Wednesday morning and our communication will be severely limited.   And that is it. She told me to call her before I went to sleep so I need to get going but I had to get all this down. I am trying to be realistic here. Trying so hard…but until she proves herself to me – all the words can only hold so much weight. I don’t think she’s lying, I do believe she feels this stronger than she’s ever felt…   …I just have don't know if she thinks that means anything.   So what will tomorrow bring…   Adam