- 9:45 AM, Monday,
April 4th 2005:
-
- So one of my
friends from highschool, Darrick Jordan, was in town
looking at some business opportunities and to just
hang out for awhile. I had planned on hangin'
with him on Saturday night but his "breakfast" with
some girl he knew on Saturday morning, turned into
"I'll see you Monday morning dawg". LOL Of course
there's no hard feelings because theres always a
PP (pussy precedence) that guys just will never be mad
about. Basically, we dont have one so we
understand why a guy would blow you off to chase
one.
-
- I wasnt
really in the mood for the chase, but I didnt
want to stay in at all. I just wanted to
well go
have dinner with someone and talk. I guess thats
a date? I dont know. So I jumped on Craigs
list and looked at the myriad of personal ads.
Craigs list is so damn funny. Unlike Eharmony
where you get to know each other, or even other places
where you plan to meet in a week or so on
Craigs List its: WANT TO MEET IN 45
MINUTES? attach pic. And its not
even close to being coy about it. HERES MY
DICK, WANT TO SUCK IT? is pretty much the
mentality. I think I saw more unintentional cock
pictures in 10 minutes on Craigs list than my
entire life DOUBLED. And yes, some guys are pretty
impressive. Heh.
-
- Went over to the
platonic side of the boards and it was a lot more
relaxed. Mostly going to the movies, anyone
want to see Sin City? That kinda shit. Started
replying with pics and one girl responded almost
immediately and she had Instant Messenger:
-
-
Minialaur:
hey....
- Adam4tvs:
hey there
- Adam4tvs:
i guess you do have
aim...
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Minialaur:
doesnt everyone these
days?
- Minialaur:
;-)
- Adam4tvs:
;-)
- Adam4tvs:
so - what are are you
in?
- Minialaur:
city?
- Adam4tvs:
yeah
- Adam4tvs:
i'm in noho
- Minialaur:
Calabasas
- Adam4tvs:
daaaaaaaaaamn
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
not too far I
suppose...
- Minialaur:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
well true
- Minialaur:
leats your not in
Hollywood
- Minialaur:
where all my friends live...I just dont
feel like driving out there
tonight
- Adam4tvs:
yeah
- Adam4tvs:
do you have a pic?
- Adam4tvs:
i know this is in the "platonic"
arena
- Adam4tvs:
but it would be nice to know what you
look like
- Minialaur:
of course...
- Minialaur:
are you on myspace?
- Adam4tvs:
hmmm
- Minialaur:
I have pics on my
profile
- Adam4tvs:
you know i think i am
- Adam4tvs:
link me
- Minialaur:
k, hold on
- Adam4tvs:
we can connect too....
- Adam4tvs
wants to directly
connect.
- Minialaur
is now directly
connected.
- Minialaur:
do u have any other pics u can send me
too?
- Adam4tvs:
whew
- Minialaur:
just so I know who IM talking
to
- Minialaur:
;-)
- Adam4tvs:
thousands unfortunately
- Minialaur:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
www.adamkontras.com
- Adam4tvs:
and videos
- Adam4tvs:
many very embarrasing
- Minialaur:
hahah
- Adam4tvs:
but i'm an actor
- Minialaur:
oooh..gotcha
- Adam4tvs:
entertainter
- Adam4tvs:
singer
- Adam4tvs:
stuff
- Adam4tvs:
so dont laugh at "Spencer" if you find
him
- Minialaur:
hahaha
- Minialaur:
thats hysterical
- Adam4tvs:
(sigh)
- Minialaur:
still browsing...
- Minialaur:
sorry!
- Adam4tvs:
send me a pic!
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
http://www.myspace.com/nowayimpostingthison4tvs.com
- Minialaur:
what nationality are u, by the
way?
- Adam4tvs:
greek
- Adam4tvs:
and you?
- Minialaur:
same!
- Minialaur:
I guessed do..by your
name
- Minialaur:
my mother is full...my father is
greek/italian
- Adam4tvs:
btw - south park....
- Adam4tvs:
i'm with you there
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
the PSP episode was
classic
- Minialaur:
hahah
- Minialaur:
I still dont know how I feel about the
new graphics on SP
yet...
- Minialaur:
too many shadows and
such..lol
- Adam4tvs:
hadnt even noticed
- Minialaur:
watch next time...way more 3D
animation
- Adam4tvs:
hmmm
- Adam4tvs:
k
- Adam4tvs:
btw - where's your
husband?
- Minialaur:
out of town, on
business...
- Minialaur:
i'm just looking for new
friends....
- Minialaur:
so dont get the wrong idea
;-)
- Adam4tvs:
no no i assumed....
- Adam4tvs:
but it's just strange to go out
drinking with guys...
- Adam4tvs:
;-)
- Adam4tvs:
i want argue
- Adam4tvs:
*won't
- Minialaur:
I dont get along well with
females....
- Minialaur:
90% of my friends are
guys
- Adam4tvs:
ahh
- Minialaur:
so he's used to it...I
suppose
- Adam4tvs:
i assume he's out a lot
then
- Minialaur:
yeah...he's busy alot...we have a cool
relationship though
- Minialaur:
trust and understanding
- Minialaur:
what about yourself?
- Adam4tvs:
recently divorced
- Adam4tvs:
sucks
- Adam4tvs:
we still love each
other....
- Adam4tvs:
she wants nothing to do with
LA
- Adam4tvs:
gave it 5 years and wanted to go back
to ohio where we're both
from
- Adam4tvs:
just sucks all the way
around
- Adam4tvs:
i just can't live the rest of my life
in ohio
- Minialaur:
oooooh...sorry to hear
that
- Adam4tvs:
so - that's where I am
- Minialaur:
how long were u married, by the
way?
- Adam4tvs:
5 years
- Minialaur:
kids?
- Adam4tvs:
nope
- Adam4tvs:
you?
- Minialaur:
nope....
- Minialaur:
def. not anywhere close to being ready
for that yet
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Adam4tvs:
well - I'm up for
drinks
- Adam4tvs:
need to get out
- Minialaur:
same here
- Minialaur:
where do u normally go?
- Adam4tvs:
i dont want to jump around and
dance
- Adam4tvs:
at all
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
i want to sit
- Minialaur:
hahah
- Adam4tvs:
drink
- Adam4tvs:
talk
- Minialaur:
i'm down for that....
- Adam4tvs:
please oh please no fucking dance
bars
- Minialaur:
k, this will be kinda
awkward....
- Minialaur:
being that...I have never been this
spontaneus before
- Minialaur:
haha
- Adam4tvs:
well what'd you expect with that
post?
- Minialaur:
I know, I know...I'm down for getting
out!
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
so..where to?
- Adam4tvs:
alright just how far are
you
- Adam4tvs:
there's gotta be a happy medum
somewhere
- Minialaur:
encino/sherman oaks is prob
nearby
- Adam4tvs:
oh
- Adam4tvs:
well shit that's
perfect
- Adam4tvs:
i know of no bars in that area
though
- Minialaur:
I live just north of woodland
hills
- Minialaur:
hmmmm...
- Minialaur:
theres a few in sherman
oaks
- Adam4tvs:
i'm usually in hollwood
too
- Minialaur:
on ventura
- Adam4tvs:
yeah
- Adam4tvs:
uhm....
- Adam4tvs:
hmmm
- Adam4tvs:
pick a name
- Adam4tvs:
i can picture them
- Adam4tvs:
but not names
- Minialaur:
senor freds is one
- Minialaur:
ummmm
- Minialaur:
hold on, lemme think a
second
- Adam4tvs:
is that on van nuys?
- Adam4tvs:
k
- Minialaur:
I cant even think right
now...
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
blood sugars low
- Minialaur:
i'm fukken hungry!
- Minialaur:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
then lets eat
- Minialaur:
u down?
- Adam4tvs:
WORD HOMEY
- Adam4tvs:
yes
- Adam4tvs:
i'm down
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Minialaur:
;-)
- Adam4tvs:
alright now we get to play this
game
- Minialaur:
fun
- Adam4tvs:
uhm....
- Minialaur:
cheesecake factory?
- Minialaur:
haha
- Adam4tvs:
k
- Adam4tvs:
cool i'll get all dressed
up
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Minialaur:
funny boy...
- Minialaur:
put on the collared shirt &
slacks
- Minialaur:
unless u can name a better
spot
- Adam4tvs:
ooh - i just might go with the
tie...
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
cheesecake factory might be a line out
the door on a saturday
night
- Adam4tvs:
but oh well
- Adam4tvs:
cell?
- Adam4tvs:
818-***-****
- Minialaur:
818.***.****
- Minialaur:
it might be pretty busy
- Adam4tvs:
verizon?
- Minialaur:
shiT-mobile
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
well - no free mobile to mobile minutes
for us
- Minialaur:
darrnit!
- Minialaur:
hmmm
- Minialaur:
what about casa vega?
- Minialaur:
studio city?
- Adam4tvs:
ha
- Adam4tvs:
you think cheesecake was
busy?!
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
but no - i love casa
vega
- Adam4tvs:
let's do it
- Minialaur:
k, casa it is
- Minialaur:
chips n salsa shall make a fine
dinner
- Minialaur:
;-)
- Minialaur:
what time?
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Adam4tvs:
well i can go down early and get a
table
- Adam4tvs:
and stop the BLEEDING from my
face
- Adam4tvs:
i swear
- Adam4tvs:
i shaved a small mole
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
bleeding?
- Adam4tvs:
and it wont
- Adam4tvs:
stop
- Adam4tvs:
bleeding
- Adam4tvs:
hahaha
- Minialaur:
hahaha
- Minialaur:
um
- Adam4tvs:
it's so pathetic
- Minialaur:
ouch?
- Adam4tvs:
it doesnt hurt at all
- Adam4tvs:
just the tiniest little
cut
- Minialaur:
well maybe i'll recognize u with all
the bandages on
- Adam4tvs:
you can laugh at me
- Adam4tvs:
right
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Adam4tvs:
anyway - how long for you to get
there?
- Minialaur:
or..waht character will u be
tonight?
- Adam4tvs:
i'll time it
- Adam4tvs:
STOP
- Adam4tvs:
well actually
- Adam4tvs:
that's a good question
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Minialaur:
:-X
- Adam4tvs:
I am the guy in the
middle
- Minialaur:
k, i'll be there by 9
- Adam4tvs:
but I'm growing my hair
out
- Minialaur:
how tall are u?
- Minialaur:
haha
- Adam4tvs:
for Dewey
- Adam4tvs:
shooting a pilot with the
characters
- Adam4tvs:
so my hair is long
- Minialaur:
ahhhh...I see
- Adam4tvs:
5 foot 10
- Adam4tvs:
you?
- Minialaur:
longer than mine?
- Minialaur:
lol
- Minialaur:
5'6"
- Adam4tvs:
no no
- Minialaur:
or so...
- Adam4tvs:
alright - i'll see you
there.........
- Adam4tvs:
man - if this isn't the setup of the
centruy to be stood up
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
hahah
- Adam4tvs:
oh well - nothin to
lose
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Minialaur:
was that a hint?
- Adam4tvs:
a hint not to stand me
up?
- Minialaur:
as long as i'm not the one being 'stood
up'
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
babe - i'm hungry
- Adam4tvs:
we're greek
- Adam4tvs:
there you go
- Minialaur:
lets go...
- Adam4tvs:
ha
- Minialaur:
;-)
- Minialaur:
see ya at 9
- Adam4tvs:
k
|
-
- So what would you
think? First off wow, shes drop-dead
gorgeous. This is not the type of woman you imagine
posting on the net, but what the hell? Something about
the situation just seemed strange to me. But it was
nice because the pressure was off. She was clear that
she was married just bored. So I threw my nasty
ol Cameron hat on, grabbed my PSP and went to
meet up. 2 things I would never do if actually trying
to impress someone.
-
- Amazingly she got
there on time. In fact she called when she was going
to be 2 minutes late. I cannot express what a good
move this was on her part as a friend. I actually hung
up and thought: Wow, a reliable friend? Are
those possible in LA?. When she got there I was
a bit surprised, she looked like her picture
and in fact much, much more beautiful. I suddenly
wished I had actually paid attention to my hair. LOL.
So we sit down and order and she smiles at me and I
look away. I believe I actually said woah
to myself. The next few feelings happened in about 2
seconds but they fall along these lines: Jesus
Im a sucker for eyes and a smile that big
Is she really that confident in her relationship
to just be able to talk about the weather?
Good Christ she cant possibly see anything
in me shes quite a bit out of my
league and finally shes full of
shit, theres something wrong in her relationship
or she wouldnt be here.
-
- I became kind of
awkward as all of this raced around in my head. If I
was on a date I would have no problem just
jumping right in, but I was pretty uncomfortable with
the situation. Everything I could say was
inappropriate and I didnt know how to be
me without it seeming like I was trying to
impress her in that way. She made it clear
she was married, this was platonic, and I didnt
want to offend her. So I tried to be cool and just
talk, but the more I looked her in the eye the
more I just felt I knew her straight up. I felt
like she was filling my head with information with her
eyes even though her mouth was going on about
something else. The more I looked, the more I felt it.
I finally just said: I dont buy it. And I just
came out and said it. You either know it and
wont admit it or you did this subconsciously
but you dont put yourself in this
situation unless youre unhappy with your
relationship. She tried to explain the marriage,
how he needed his greencard and they were
friends
and that the relationship just works.
Unfortunately he travels a lot because of his job and
shes alone a lot. I was looking in her eyes as
deep as I could and wasnt buying a WORD. I would
just smile and say mhmm. I listened to her
song and dance, and tried not to be too
intrusive
but again it just felt wrong. So we ate
relatively quickly. Still rather awkward. I kept
looking at her like I was studying a Rembrandt. And
there was no pressure to impress her really so
I was just blunt. Hi, nice to meet you
youre full of shit. Went to the bar and got some
drinks and waited for a seats to become
available
-
-
and then
everything changed. The moment I looked at her sitting
next to each other I was physically uneasy.
Im trying to refrain from writing some cheesy
description of her eyes but rest assured, I felt
cheesy. What was incredible, and probably the only
reason her eyes were so amazing is because of
how she reacted when I looked at her. It was obvious
that she was feeling the same way. Which turned into
this very strange crack addiction throughout the
night. It was surreal. Her breathing patterns would
change, shed get nervous and look away. At one
point she actually twirled her hair while laughing
I mean was she trying to pick me up? Should I
think differently of her for doing this as a married
woman? Has she really just never felt passionate about
someone and shes unaware of what shes
doing?
-
- It was a very
frustrating situation to be in for me. I mean if it
were any other situation Id be completely
in love. But I couldnt quite believe what I was
feeling because whos to say this isnt
something she just does. Luckily the
alcohol was going to help those questions.
-
- Truth syrum
for sale only $5.95! one drink down and
the walls crumbled and we were talking. The connection
between us was very very obvious. She talked more
about the marriage. It was a marriage based on
friendship on every level. No passion, but very
stable. She continually tried to rationalize why this
was ok but it was obvious she just
wasnt satisfied. It was something they talked
about for years, but no one really had a reason to do
something about it. Every word I said almost made me
sick to my stomach because I was pretty much reading
from a script. How many times in my life had I done
this? Tried to get a woman to see how SHACKLING a
relationship like that is. How much more is out there
when you follow your heart and find those
intense connections. Life is so short to not feel
that. But it was clear she just didnt think that
existed
-
-
but when she
looked at me it was clear. Heres the way
it felt. I could read her mind. Thats what it
felt like. I could hear her saying: Oh my god,
how the fuck does this guy know me this quickly?
She would look at me as if she was scared to continue
because I was inside her when I looked at her. Just a
very, very, very incredible connection that scared
both of us. Because Im sure as hell not ready
for this even if she was SINGLE! But married?
Oh fuck me. Are you kidding? I cant do this. I
cannot do this shit again. Palaur destroyed me. I will
not be part of this again.
-
- Yeah,
Im a singer, oh you want to hear? I just bought
a grand piano
-
- It was the
equivalent to that moment in When Harry Met
Sally when Bruno Kirby and Carrie Fisher get the
cab together. We were both waiting for the opportunity
and she said something, I said something so we both
felt like it wasnt our idea and before
you know it were driving back to my
house.
-
- I dont know
what I wanted to happen. I thought about it though.
Believe it or not, I have been with someone who was
married where I didnt try and move heaven and
earth to make her see the light. Sometimes
people are in different places in their life
and your paths cross in the night. You cant
continually judge others for how they treat their
relationships. Then again, I wasnt getting that
feeling from this. This felt like a connection. So I
was slightly apprehensive. And then I sat at the piano
and felt even more apprehensive.
-
- Folks, Im an
entertainer. I can speak in front of a group of a
million people, a group of 5 people sing tell
jokes
show-off basically without a problem. I
sat at the piano with her sitting there and was
visibly nervous. It was the most pressure I had ever
felt to perform well in my life. My voice was a little
wavery. I actually took a shot of bourbon. It was very
funny. But I got through it, and well although
not planned
it was pretty much over. It was kind
of creepy because I got into auto-pilot mode while I
was singing and watched myself from her perspective. I
had my microphone set up so my voice would be audible
over that roaring piano and as I listened I was
even thinking to myself: Man I bet she never
imagined this voice would come out of me
My singing voice is so different than my speaking
voice.
-
- Anyway I
will spare the details which youve all grown so
accustomed to hearing. You all know exactly what
happened. We said wed meet the next day for
lunch and I drove her back to her car. Driving home I
didnt know what to think. A pandoras box
had been ripped open. And if she was being honest with
me, that this had NEVER happened before and
that she just felt this insane connection
the
next few months of her life were about to be blown up.
I didnt know what to think. I was just
completely wiped out.
-
- First of all,
Im not ready for this shit. I mean who is EVER
ready for this? Well, someone who has no idea
whats coming. Because anyone who has been down
this road already knows the outcome. And as I went to
sleep I was just mortified that I had done the one
thing I regretted about Palaur become physical
too soon. Its as if I almost assured that this
will be nothing more than a fling. My problem was I
felt just like I did with Laura that there was
something special here, that I didnt want to let
go of. We agreed to meet for lunch the next day. I saw
her online around noon:
-
-
- Minialaur:
hey!
- Minialaur:
busy?
- Adam4tvs:
there you are
- Adam4tvs:
you get my text
message?
- Adam4tvs:
oh now THAT's a nice buddy
icon
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
lol
- Minialaur:
I think I left my cell in my
car...
- Minialaur:
can't find it anywhere!
- Adam4tvs:
all i wrote was "..."
- Adam4tvs:
oh really
- Adam4tvs:
uhm...
- Minialaur:
oooh..lol
- Adam4tvs:
lemme look around here
- Adam4tvs:
maybe it fell out of your
purse
- Minialaur:
it has to be in my car <cross
fingers>
- Minialaur:
oh sh*t! hopefully not at casa
vega
- Adam4tvs:
nah i saw you put it in
there
- Adam4tvs:
is it on vibrate?
- Minialaur:
true..its somewhere around
here....
- Minialaur:
I dont remember...lol
- Adam4tvs:
let's see...
- Adam4tvs:
well i assume you don't hear
it
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Minialaur:
hahah, are u calling?
- Adam4tvs:
yeah
- Adam4tvs:
thought we might get
lucky
- Minialaur:
nope...i'll take a walk to my
car
- Adam4tvs:
k
- Minialaur:
soon as I get my lazy ass
up
- Adam4tvs:
well - before you jump
- Adam4tvs:
no way
- Adam4tvs:
you haven't been up
yet?!
- Minialaur:
well...sorta
- Minialaur:
haha
- Adam4tvs:
you take that dog on a
hike?!
- Adam4tvs:
you PROMISED ****
(the
dog)
- Minialaur:
uhmmm...
- Minialaur:
not exactly
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
he was DEPENDING on you
- Minialaur:
I know, hes not too happy with me right
now
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Minialaur:
least it's not too hot
out...
- Adam4tvs:
i get a call at friggin 9 AM (8 to all
normal people)
- Minialaur:
damn
- Adam4tvs:
from Darrick who is on his way to
roscoes
- Adam4tvs:
and asked if I wanted to
come
- Adam4tvs:
and I'm like...ARE YOU
HIGH?
- Minialaur:
so did you?
- Adam4tvs:
yeah- fried chicken and
waffles
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
hehe
- Minialaur:
yum
- Adam4tvs:
well there was a friend from highschool
with him
- Adam4tvs:
so I went to sit with
them
- Adam4tvs:
but i didn't want to
eat
- Adam4tvs:
cause i thought we were probably going
to
- Minialaur:
you cant go to Roscoes and NOT
eat...
- Minialaur:
it's nearly impossible
- Minialaur:
;-)
- Adam4tvs:
well i do have some
restraint
- Minialaur:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
although you'd never know that would
you
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
well...
- Minialaur:
haha
- Minialaur:
nice icon too, by the
way
- Minialaur:
;-)
- Adam4tvs:
pretty fuckin arrogant if you ask
me
- Minialaur:
just a tad
- Adam4tvs:
but i never get around to changing
it
- Adam4tvs:
and now this new instant messenger
shows it to me all the
time
- Adam4tvs:
so i feel stupid
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
shows you your icon?
- Adam4tvs:
yeah it does
- Minialaur:
thats funny...
- Adam4tvs:
i never saw it before
- Adam4tvs:
for years
- Adam4tvs:
now I'm reminded of it
- Adam4tvs:
so i have to change it
- Minialaur:
maybe I should pass my icon off as
me...
- Minialaur:
think it would work?
- Minialaur:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
you're a bit hotter than that
babe
- Adam4tvs:
dont sell yourself
short
- Minialaur:
awwww....<blushing>
- Adam4tvs:
speaking of which - we have a few
things to talk about
- Adam4tvs:
it's been a long morning for
me...
- Adam4tvs:
when can we get something to
eat
- Minialaur:
hmmm, well..
- Minialaur:
only thing is I have friends coming
over to see the house at
2
- Minialaur:
thats pretty much it
- Adam4tvs:
k
- Adam4tvs:
hmmm
- Adam4tvs:
how long after?
- Minialaur:
I dont know...what did u have in
mind?
- Adam4tvs:
uhm
- Adam4tvs:
sitting outside
- Adam4tvs:
enjoying the sun
- Adam4tvs:
eating something
"light"
- Minialaur:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
and talking about the pandora's box we
just ripped open
- Adam4tvs:
and discussing how we can keep it from
shutting just as
quickly
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
or was that more than you were
asking?
- Adam4tvs:
ha
- Minialaur:
not at all....
- Adam4tvs:
not that i've been thinking about this
or anything
- Minialaur:
;-)
- Adam4tvs:
i really want you to see me as
something more than a ball of
passion
- Adam4tvs:
that's my biggest
concern
- Minialaur:
still feel kind of
awkward?
- Minialaur:
about the whole
situation?
- Adam4tvs:
no i dont
- Adam4tvs:
not even a little
- Adam4tvs:
but this situation is bigger than
"us"
- Adam4tvs:
it's you really finding
shit....
- Minialaur:
yes...
- Adam4tvs:
and i want to help
- Minialaur:
I dont even know where to
begin...
- Minialaur:
maybe I should look to those journals u
were talking about...for
inspiration
- Adam4tvs:
well you can just TALK to me
too
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
5 years is a lot to
read
- Adam4tvs:
ha
- Minialaur:
hee hee
- Minialaur:
I'm sure it is...
- Adam4tvs:
simply put...
- Adam4tvs:
our actions from this point on can
close doors so fast
- Adam4tvs:
and i dont want to do
that
- Minialaur:
neither do I...
- Adam4tvs:
i believe this is a pretty deep
connection...
- Adam4tvs:
and i just want you to see
me
- Adam4tvs:
as an actual person
- Minialaur:
absolutely
- Adam4tvs:
as opposed to, as i said, this crazy
ball of - singing passion, eyes -
licking
- Adam4tvs:
it cannot be based on
that
- Adam4tvs:
or...
- Minialaur:
haha
- Adam4tvs:
again, the pandora's box will close
just as fast
- Minialaur:
true...
- Adam4tvs:
but i have never, come close to feeling
so certain
- Adam4tvs:
so i need to just allow you to
feel
- Adam4tvs:
and let it be...
- Adam4tvs:
what it will be
- Adam4tvs:
ugh
- Adam4tvs:
this sucks on an IM....
- Minialaur:
ugh?
- Minialaur:
lol
- Minialaur:
let me find my phone...
- Adam4tvs:
oh yeah
- Adam4tvs:
the phone
- Minialaur:
unfortunatly...no house
phone
- Minialaur:
we live on our cells, I
guess
- Adam4tvs:
me neithere
- Adam4tvs:
hhe
- Minialaur:
haha
- Adam4tvs:
i gave up on that long
ago
- Minialaur:
same!
- Adam4tvs:
it's slightly "freeing" isn't
it?
- Adam4tvs:
i remember feeling
irresponsible
- Minialaur:
completely....
- Adam4tvs:
for cancelling it
- Adam4tvs:
like my mom would be mad at
me
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
hahah
- Adam4tvs:
and then it occured to me - I hadn't
picked it up in 2
months
- Adam4tvs:
and there you go
- Minialaur:
exactly! it sat there...copllecting
dust
- Adam4tvs:
and $50 a month
- Minialaur:
damn, were u calling china
again??
- Minialaur:
or was it those darn 1-900
numbers?
- Minialaur:
;-)
- Adam4tvs:
well i had unlimited long
distance
- Adam4tvs:
since all my family is in
ohio
- Minialaur:
ahhhh
- Minialaur:
my mom got pissed when I changed my
cell
- Minialaur:
from a 702 to 818
number
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
she couldnt call me for free
anymore...
- Adam4tvs:
well if you BOTH HAD
VERIZON
- Adam4tvs:
anyway - go get your
phone...
- Minialaur:
k
- Minialaur:
we'll talk later on...
- Adam4tvs:
?
- Adam4tvs:
no CALL me
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Adam4tvs:
that's the point of getting your
phone
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Minialaur:
thats what I meant,
sily
- Minialaur:
;-)
- Minialaur:
I dont know how long my friends are
staying...
- Adam4tvs:
k
- Minialaur:
prob. not too long...
- Minialaur:
but i'll call you
- Adam4tvs:
oh i thought you were calling BEFORE
that
- Adam4tvs:
confused
- Minialaur:
oooh....sure...k, im going to my car
now
- Minialaur:
cross ur fingers that I dropped it in
there
- Adam4tvs:
yeah no shit
- Minialaur:
or else I'm fukken
screwed
- Minialaur:
I dont know where else it could
be...
- Minialaur
signed off at 12:06:43
PM.
- Minialaur
signed on at 12:07:29
PM.
|
- Well she jumped
back online, but never called. I finally called
around 2 PM, and it ended up her friends werent
coming until 8 PM so I headed up right away. We went
to a little outdoor café when I realized I had
forgotten my wallet in my car and we had driven far
from it (sigh). She was cool, but I felt like such an
idiot. Great impression. I had paid for dinner, she
paid for one round of drinks, I paid for the next
so I guess in theory it was pretty
even but now that I finally have
money this was the situation I could AVOID. Sucked.
The lunch was awkward. Insanely awkward. In fact there
was a moment when I was certain this would be the last
day I saw her. She seemed freaked out but she
still gave me that look when we stared at each
other
-
- ..so we walked
around and started to get more comfortable. It was all
coming back. The awkwardness was going away and we
ended up in her car just sitting, talking and staring.
I swear to you, Ive never felt this looking at
someones eyes. I wish I was better at explaining
it, but Im just not going to be. It felt like I
was physically effecting her. It was the most
entrancing thing I had ever felt. I keep writing the
exact same sentence about this but I cant put it
into words. Its like I know she needs me in her
life. I see everything so clearly and know Im in
the right place. Its
absolutely amazing.
And even more amazing is that she feels it too. And is
just as scared and confused by it. Fucked.
Up.
-
- So time is ticking
and we go to get some coffee and I realize my wallet
is still in my car. Luckily we were at the parking lot
I was parked in so I run to get it its
not there. (Sigh) I dig all of my change out of
my car and it amounts to $2.95. I walk back in
laughing about it and she seems a bit weirded
out by it. Immediately she has to go and we hug and
thats it. I kept saying what the hell
As
she left I went to call her twice ignored.
Jesus Christ. Because of the money? Did it all the
sudden give her doubts about everything? GRRR. Went
home and wrote her this email:
-
-
SUBJ:
????????
- Sunday,
April 03, 2005 7:34 PM
Seriously
Mini...what happened? Is it the money?
Because I just found my wallet strewn
all over my back yard (i left the
studio door open)... the money i
brought into starbucks was what i found
in my ash tray... did that upset you
that bad? Not to be completely annoying
but we went from completely happy and
loving to as if you had seen a ghost.
!??!
-
- Adam
|
- And then saw her
online:
-
-
- Adam4tvs:
...
- Adam4tvs:
wallet
- Adam4tvs:
all
- Adam4tvs:
over
- Adam4tvs:
my
- Adam4tvs:
backyard
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
that's nice
- Adam4tvs:
you get my email?
- Adam4tvs:
seriously...are you
alright?
- Minialaur:
not yet, just signed on
- Minialaur:
my friends are still over,
btw
- Adam4tvs:
k
- Adam4tvs:
i just got a reallllllllly strange
vibe
- Adam4tvs:
you can tell me to completely shut up
if i'm off base here
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
ummmm....
- Adam4tvs:
...
- Minialaur:
sorry, brb
- Minialaur:
my friends just left
- Adam4tvs:
k
- Adam4tvs:
i dont want to spend even 2 seconds on
this if i'm off base
here
- Adam4tvs:
my instincts told me something was
wrong
- Adam4tvs:
and i'm just asking
- Adam4tvs:
if i'm right or wrong - just lemme know
and i'll never bring it up
again
- Minialaur:
look...I guess I am just a little
freaked out by the whole
situation
- Minialaur:
things became too intense and moved too
quickly
- Minialaur:
I never expected that to
happen
- Adam4tvs:
babe - i have noooooooooooooo problem
with that
- Adam4tvs:
at all
- Adam4tvs:
but what the hell happened in the 35
seconds
- Adam4tvs:
that i went to my car?
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Minialaur:
I don't know
- Adam4tvs:
can i just call - i'll be very
short...
- Minialaur:
um...
- Adam4tvs:
ok - very tall
- Minialaur:
I kind of have to go
now
- Minialaur:
maybe we can talk again tomorrow or
something
- Adam4tvs:
you've said enough
- Adam4tvs:
it's in your court
- Minialaur:
i'm sorry
- Adam4tvs:
i can't chase something that is this
put off by me
- Adam4tvs:
space, believe me i
understand
- Adam4tvs:
please make the effort to talk to me at
least one more time
Mini....
- Adam4tvs:
ok?
- Minialaur:
yes, but I dont think I can right
now
- Adam4tvs:
i know that
- Adam4tvs:
i won't make contact
- Adam4tvs:
i will respect that
- Adam4tvs:
just don't let this go for too
long
- Adam4tvs:
it will feel like a
mirage
- Adam4tvs:
and anything you gained will slip away
soooooooo quick
- Adam4tvs:
take all the time you need, i'm not
going anywhere
- Adam4tvs:
ok?
- Minialaur:
ok
- Minialaur:
I just dont think it was a good idea to
meet today
- Adam4tvs:
?
- Minialaur:
maybe we should have let what
happened...just be
- Adam4tvs:
man, what the hell
happened?
- Adam4tvs:
LOL
- Adam4tvs:
i've never seen a more amazing
turnaround
- Adam4tvs:
wow
- Adam4tvs:
just...
- Adam4tvs:
you obviously know yourself better than
I do...
- Adam4tvs:
so if this was a huge
mistake..ok
- Adam4tvs:
i dont feel that way, but what can i
say...
- Adam4tvs:
i'm more than sorry you feel that
way
- Adam4tvs:
but in the moments we talked - you're
very level headed about
shit
- Adam4tvs:
it'll make sense in
time...
- Minialaur:
hopefully so...
- Adam4tvs:
but please just let me know where you
are in a few days or what
not...
- Adam4tvs:
because my feeelings are no ifferen
than they were before
- Minialaur:
sure, we can keep in
touch
- Adam4tvs:
*different
- Minialaur:
it would be nice
- Adam4tvs:
...
- Minialaur:
?
- Adam4tvs:
sorry just dont know what to
say
- Adam4tvs:
not sure why you won't talk to
me
- Minialaur:
I will
- Adam4tvs:
ok
- Minialaur:
just not now...
- Minialaur:
I have to go
- Adam4tvs:
go babe...
- Minialaur:
bye...
- Adam4tvs:
bye
- Minialaur
signed off at 9:10:07
PM.
|
- Fuck me huh? The
Minialaur. Make sense now? Just amazing really.
I will obviously let her go here. Hell I'm angry
I didn't see this ending sooner being I've lived the
whole thing before, nearly word for word. This doesn't
sit well with me of course. I know people really
well. I know she just freaked out, as any ethical
person would. But something was different here.
I really think I touched something so deep
inside her (all kidding aside - lol) that she had no
idea even existed. If that's true... I'll hear from
her again. But it could also be my little head that
thinks I'm so amazing someone could actually fall in
love with me by looking into my eyes. But goddamn did
I feel it...and I KNOW she did too. GRRR. It
takes an incredibly special person to be that strong -
in her situation, to truly stand up and fight for
something like that. ANd how could she when we
honest-to-GOD only spent 24 hours in contact? It's
done. And amazingly, it actually hurts. I am
really going to need to guard my heart better or
I will be on heroin by June.
-
- Anyway, earlythis
morning before work I wrote, recorded and
uploaded this song.
It's slightly bittersweet, but any true Minialaur
needs a song right?
-
- (sigh)
-
- Adam
-
- <life drama
end>
|