9:45 AM, Monday, April 4th 2005:
So one of my friends from highschool, Darrick Jordan, was in town looking at some business opportunities and to just hang out for awhile. I had planned on hangin' with him on Saturday night but his "breakfast" with some girl he knew on Saturday morning, turned into "I'll see you Monday morning dawg". LOL Of course there's no hard feelings because there’s always a PP (pussy precedence) that guys just will never be mad about. Basically, we don’t have one so we understand why a guy would blow you off to chase one.
I wasn’t really in the mood for the chase, but I didn’t want to stay in at all. I just wanted to…well go have dinner with someone and talk. I guess that’s a date? I don’t know. So I jumped on Craig’s list and looked at the myriad of personal ads. Craig’s list is so damn funny. Unlike Eharmony where you get to know each other, or even other places where you plan to meet in a week or so – on Craig’s List it’s: “WANT TO MEET IN 45 MINUTES? – attach pic”. And it’s not even close to being coy about it. “HERE’S MY DICK, WANT TO SUCK IT?” – is pretty much the mentality. I think I saw more unintentional cock pictures in 10 minutes on Craig’s list than my entire life DOUBLED. And yes, some guys are pretty impressive. Heh.
Went over to the platonic side of the boards and it was a lot more relaxed. Mostly – going to the movies, anyone want to see Sin City? That kinda shit. Started replying with pics and one girl responded almost immediately and she had Instant Messenger:

Minialaur: hey....

Adam4tvs: hey there
Adam4tvs: i guess you do have aim...
Adam4tvs: heh
Minialaur: doesnt everyone these days?
Minialaur: ;-)
Adam4tvs: ;-)
Adam4tvs: so - what are are you in?
Minialaur: city?
Adam4tvs: yeah
Adam4tvs: i'm in noho
Minialaur: Calabasas
Adam4tvs: daaaaaaaaaamn
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: not too far I suppose...
Minialaur: lol
Adam4tvs: well true
Minialaur: leats your not in Hollywood
Minialaur: where all my friends live...I just dont feel like driving out there tonight
Adam4tvs: yeah
Adam4tvs: do you have a pic?
Adam4tvs: i know this is in the "platonic" arena
Adam4tvs: but it would be nice to know what you look like
Minialaur: of course...
Minialaur: are you on myspace?
Adam4tvs: hmmm
Minialaur: I have pics on my profile
Adam4tvs: you know i think i am
Adam4tvs: link me
Minialaur: k, hold on
Adam4tvs: we can connect too....
Adam4tvs wants to directly connect.
Minialaur is now directly connected.
Minialaur: do u have any other pics u can send me too?
Adam4tvs: whew
Minialaur: just so I know who IM talking to
Minialaur: ;-)
Adam4tvs: thousands unfortunately
Minialaur: lol
Adam4tvs: www.adamkontras.com
Adam4tvs: and videos
Adam4tvs: many very embarrasing
Minialaur: hahah
Adam4tvs: but i'm an actor
Minialaur: oooh..gotcha
Adam4tvs: entertainter
Adam4tvs: singer
Adam4tvs: stuff
Adam4tvs: so dont laugh at "Spencer" if you find him
Minialaur: hahaha
Minialaur: thats hysterical
Adam4tvs: (sigh)
Minialaur: still browsing...
Minialaur: sorry!
Adam4tvs: send me a pic!
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: http://www.myspace.com/nowayimpostingthison4tvs.com
Minialaur: what nationality are u, by the way?
Adam4tvs: greek
Adam4tvs: and you?
Minialaur: same!
Minialaur: I guessed do..by your name
Minialaur: my mother is full...my father is greek/italian
Adam4tvs: btw - south park....
Adam4tvs: i'm with you there
Adam4tvs: lol
Adam4tvs: the PSP episode was classic
Minialaur: hahah
Minialaur: I still dont know how I feel about the new graphics on SP yet...
Minialaur: too many shadows and such..lol
Adam4tvs: hadnt even noticed
Minialaur: watch next time...way more 3D animation
Adam4tvs: hmmm
Adam4tvs: k
Adam4tvs: btw - where's your husband?
Minialaur: out of town, on business...
Minialaur: i'm just looking for new friends....
Minialaur: so dont get the wrong idea ;-)
Adam4tvs: no no i assumed....
Adam4tvs: but it's just strange to go out drinking with guys...
Adam4tvs: ;-)
Adam4tvs: i want argue
Adam4tvs: *won't
Minialaur: I dont get along well with females....
Minialaur: 90% of my friends are guys
Adam4tvs: ahh
Minialaur: so he's used to it...I suppose
Adam4tvs: i assume he's out a lot then
Minialaur: yeah...he's busy alot...we have a cool relationship though
Minialaur: trust and understanding
Minialaur: what about yourself?
Adam4tvs: recently divorced
Adam4tvs: sucks
Adam4tvs: we still love each other....
Adam4tvs: she wants nothing to do with LA
Adam4tvs: gave it 5 years and wanted to go back to ohio where we're both from
Adam4tvs: just sucks all the way around
Adam4tvs: i just can't live the rest of my life in ohio
Minialaur: oooooh...sorry to hear that
Adam4tvs: so - that's where I am
Minialaur: how long were u married, by the way?
Adam4tvs: 5 years
Minialaur: kids?
Adam4tvs: nope
Adam4tvs: you?
Minialaur: nope....
Minialaur: def. not anywhere close to being ready for that yet
Adam4tvs: heh
Adam4tvs: well - I'm up for drinks
Adam4tvs: need to get out
Minialaur: same here
Minialaur: where do u normally go?
Adam4tvs: i dont want to jump around and dance
Adam4tvs: at all
Adam4tvs: lol
Adam4tvs: i want to sit
Minialaur: hahah
Adam4tvs: drink
Adam4tvs: talk
Minialaur: i'm down for that....
Adam4tvs: please oh please no fucking dance bars
Minialaur: k, this will be kinda awkward....
Minialaur: being that...I have never been this spontaneus before
Minialaur: haha
Adam4tvs: well what'd you expect with that post?
Minialaur: I know, I know...I'm down for getting out!
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: so..where to?
Adam4tvs: alright just how far are you
Adam4tvs: there's gotta be a happy medum somewhere
Minialaur: encino/sherman oaks is prob nearby
Adam4tvs: oh
Adam4tvs: well shit that's perfect
Adam4tvs: i know of no bars in that area though
Minialaur: I live just north of woodland hills
Minialaur: hmmmm...
Minialaur: theres a few in sherman oaks
Adam4tvs: i'm usually in hollwood too
Minialaur: on ventura
Adam4tvs: yeah
Adam4tvs: uhm....
Adam4tvs: hmmm
Adam4tvs: pick a name
Adam4tvs: i can picture them
Adam4tvs: but not names
Minialaur: senor freds is one
Minialaur: ummmm
Minialaur: hold on, lemme think a second
Adam4tvs: is that on van nuys?
Adam4tvs: k
Minialaur: I cant even think right now...
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: blood sugars low
Minialaur: i'm fukken hungry!
Minialaur: lol
Adam4tvs: then lets eat
Minialaur: u down?
Adam4tvs: WORD HOMEY
Adam4tvs: yes
Adam4tvs: i'm down
Adam4tvs: heh
Minialaur: ;-)
Adam4tvs: alright now we get to play this game
Minialaur: fun
Adam4tvs: uhm....
Minialaur: cheesecake factory?
Minialaur: haha
Adam4tvs: k
Adam4tvs: cool i'll get all dressed up
Adam4tvs: heh
Minialaur: funny boy...
Minialaur: put on the collared shirt & slacks
Minialaur: unless u can name a better spot
Adam4tvs: ooh - i just might go with the tie...
Adam4tvs: lol
Adam4tvs: cheesecake factory might be a line out the door on a saturday night
Adam4tvs: but oh well
Adam4tvs: cell?
Adam4tvs: 818-***-****
Minialaur: 818.***.****
Minialaur: it might be pretty busy
Adam4tvs: verizon?
Minialaur: shiT-mobile
Adam4tvs: lol
Adam4tvs: well - no free mobile to mobile minutes for us
Minialaur: darrnit!
Minialaur: hmmm
Minialaur: what about casa vega?
Minialaur: studio city?
Adam4tvs: ha
Adam4tvs: you think cheesecake was busy?!
Adam4tvs: lol
Adam4tvs: but no - i love casa vega
Adam4tvs: let's do it
Minialaur: k, casa it is
Minialaur: chips n salsa shall make a fine dinner
Minialaur: ;-)
Minialaur: what time?
Adam4tvs: heh
Adam4tvs: well i can go down early and get a table
Adam4tvs: and stop the BLEEDING from my face
Adam4tvs: i swear
Adam4tvs: i shaved a small mole
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: bleeding?
Adam4tvs: and it wont
Adam4tvs: stop
Adam4tvs: bleeding
Adam4tvs: hahaha
Minialaur: hahaha
Minialaur: um
Adam4tvs: it's so pathetic
Minialaur: ouch?
Adam4tvs: it doesnt hurt at all
Adam4tvs: just the tiniest little cut
Minialaur: well maybe i'll recognize u with all the bandages on
Adam4tvs: you can laugh at me
Adam4tvs: right
Adam4tvs: heh
Adam4tvs: anyway - how long for you to get there?
Minialaur: or..waht character will u be tonight?
Adam4tvs: i'll time it
Adam4tvs: STOP
Adam4tvs: well actually
Adam4tvs: that's a good question
Adam4tvs: heh
Minialaur: :-X
Adam4tvs: I am the guy in the middle
Minialaur: k, i'll be there by 9
Adam4tvs: but I'm growing my hair out
Minialaur: how tall are u?
Minialaur: haha
Adam4tvs: for Dewey
Adam4tvs: shooting a pilot with the characters
Adam4tvs: so my hair is long
Minialaur: ahhhh...I see
Adam4tvs: 5 foot 10
Adam4tvs: you?
Minialaur: longer than mine?
Minialaur: lol
Minialaur: 5'6"
Adam4tvs: no no
Minialaur: or so...
Adam4tvs: alright - i'll see you there.........
Adam4tvs: man - if this isn't the setup of the centruy to be stood up
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: hahah
Adam4tvs: oh well - nothin to lose
Adam4tvs: heh
Minialaur: was that a hint?
Adam4tvs: a hint not to stand me up?
Minialaur: as long as i'm not the one being 'stood up'
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: lol
Adam4tvs: babe - i'm hungry
Adam4tvs: we're greek
Adam4tvs: there you go
Minialaur: lets go...
Adam4tvs: ha
Minialaur: ;-)
Minialaur: see ya at 9
Adam4tvs: k
So what would you think? First off – wow, she’s drop-dead gorgeous. This is not the type of woman you imagine posting on the net, but what the hell? Something about the situation just seemed strange to me. But it was nice because the pressure was off. She was clear that she was married – just bored. So I threw my nasty ol’ Cameron hat on, grabbed my PSP and went to meet up. 2 things I would never do if actually trying to impress someone.
Amazingly she got there on time. In fact she called when she was going to be 2 minutes late. I cannot express what a good move this was on her part as a friend. I actually hung up and thought: “Wow, a reliable friend? Are those possible in LA?”. When she got there I was a bit surprised, she looked like her picture – and in fact much, much more beautiful. I suddenly wished I had actually paid attention to my hair. LOL. So we sit down and order and she smiles at me and I look away. I believe I actually said “woah” to myself. The next few feelings happened in about 2 seconds but they fall along these lines: “Jesus I’m a sucker for eyes and a smile that big” “Is she really that confident in her relationship to just be able to talk about the weather?” “Good Christ she can’t possibly see anything in me – she’s quite a bit out of my league” and finally “she’s full of shit, there’s something wrong in her relationship or she wouldn’t be here”.
I became kind of awkward as all of this raced around in my head. If I was on a date – I would have no problem just jumping right in, but I was pretty uncomfortable with the situation. Everything I could say was inappropriate – and I didn’t know how to be me without it seeming like I was trying to “impress” her in that way. She made it clear she was married, this was platonic, and I didn’t want to offend her. So I tried to be cool and just talk, but the more I looked her in the eye – the more I just felt I knew her – straight up. I felt like she was filling my head with information with her eyes even though her mouth was going on about something else. The more I looked, the more I felt it. I finally just said: I don’t buy it. And I just came out and said it. “You either know it and won’t admit it or you did this subconsciously – but you don’t put yourself in this situation unless you’re unhappy with your relationship”. She tried to explain the marriage, how he needed his greencard and they were friends…and that the relationship just works. Unfortunately he travels a lot because of his job and she’s alone a lot. I was looking in her eyes as deep as I could and wasn’t buying a WORD. I would just smile and say “mhmm”. I listened to her song and dance, and tried not to be too intrusive…but again it just felt wrong. So we ate relatively quickly. Still rather awkward. I kept looking at her like I was studying a Rembrandt. And there was no pressure to impress her really – so I was just blunt. Hi, nice to meet you – you’re full of shit. Went to the bar and got some drinks and waited for a seats to become available…
…and then everything changed. The moment I looked at her sitting next to each other – I was physically uneasy. I’m trying to refrain from writing some cheesy description of her eyes but rest assured, I felt cheesy. What was incredible, and probably the only reason her eyes were so amazing – is because of how she reacted when I looked at her. It was obvious that she was feeling the same way. Which turned into this very strange crack addiction throughout the night. It was surreal. Her breathing patterns would change, she’d get nervous and look away. At one point she actually twirled her hair while laughing – I mean was she trying to pick me up? Should I think differently of her for doing this as a married woman? Has she really just never felt passionate about someone and she’s unaware of what she’s doing?
It was a very frustrating situation to be in for me. I mean if it were any other situation – I’d be completely in love. But I couldn’t quite believe what I was feeling because who’s to say this isn’t something she just “does”. Luckily the alcohol was going to help those questions.
“Truth syrum for sale only $5.95!” – one drink down and the walls crumbled and we were talking. The connection between us was very very obvious. She talked more about the marriage. It was a marriage based on friendship on every level. No passion, but very stable. She continually tried to rationalize why this was “ok” but it was obvious she just wasn’t satisfied. It was something they talked about for years, but no one really had a reason to do something about it. Every word I said almost made me sick to my stomach because I was pretty much reading from a script. How many times in my life had I done this? Tried to get a woman to see how SHACKLING a relationship like that is. How much more is out there when you follow your heart – and find those intense connections. Life is so short to not feel that. But it was clear she just didn’t think that existed…
…but when she looked at me – it was clear. Here’s the way it felt. I could read her mind. That’s what it felt like. I could hear her saying: “Oh my god, how the fuck does this guy know me this quickly?” She would look at me as if she was scared to continue because I was inside her when I looked at her. Just a very, very, very incredible connection that scared both of us. Because I’m sure as hell not ready for this – even if she was SINGLE! But married? Oh fuck me. Are you kidding? I can’t do this. I cannot do this shit again. Palaur destroyed me. I will not be part of this again.
“Yeah, I’m a singer, oh you want to hear? I just bought a grand piano…”
It was the equivalent to that moment in “When Harry Met Sally” when Bruno Kirby and Carrie Fisher get the cab together. We were both waiting for the opportunity and she said something, I said something so we both felt like it wasn’t our idea – and before you know it we’re driving back to my house.
I don’t know what I wanted to happen. I thought about it though. Believe it or not, I have been with someone who was married where I didn’t try and move heaven and earth to make her “see the light”. Sometimes people are in different places in their life – and your paths cross in the night. You can’t continually judge others for how they treat their relationships. Then again, I wasn’t getting that feeling from this. This felt like a connection. So I was slightly apprehensive. And then I sat at the piano and felt even more apprehensive.
Folks, I’m an entertainer. I can speak in front of a group of a million people, a group of 5 people – sing tell jokes… show-off basically without a problem. I sat at the piano with her sitting there and was visibly nervous. It was the most pressure I had ever felt to perform well in my life. My voice was a little wavery. I actually took a shot of bourbon. It was very funny. But I got through it, and well – although not planned…it was pretty much over. It was kind of creepy because I got into auto-pilot mode while I was singing and watched myself from her perspective. I had my microphone set up so my voice would be audible over that roaring piano – and as I listened I was even thinking to myself: “Man I bet she never imagined this voice would come out of me…” My singing voice is so different than my speaking voice.
Anyway – I will spare the details which you’ve all grown so accustomed to hearing. You all know exactly what happened. We said we’d meet the next day for lunch and I drove her back to her car. Driving home I didn’t know what to think. A pandora’s box had been ripped open. And if she was being honest with me, that this had NEVER happened before – and that she just felt this insane connection…the next few months of her life were about to be blown up. I didn’t know what to think. I was just completely wiped out.
First of all, I’m not ready for this shit. I mean who is EVER ready for this? Well, someone who has no idea what’s coming. Because anyone who has been down this road already knows the outcome. And as I went to sleep I was just mortified that I had done the one thing I regretted about Palaur – become physical too soon. It’s as if I almost assured that this will be nothing more than a fling. My problem was I felt just like I did with Laura – that there was something special here, that I didn’t want to let go of. We agreed to meet for lunch the next day. I saw her online around noon:
Minialaur: hey!
Minialaur: busy?
Adam4tvs: there you are
Adam4tvs: you get my text message?
Adam4tvs: oh now THAT's a nice buddy icon
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: lol
Minialaur: I think I left my cell in my car...
Minialaur: can't find it anywhere!
Adam4tvs: all i wrote was "..."
Adam4tvs: oh really
Adam4tvs: uhm...
Minialaur: oooh..lol
Adam4tvs: lemme look around here
Adam4tvs: maybe it fell out of your purse
Minialaur: it has to be in my car <cross fingers>
Minialaur: oh sh*t! hopefully not at casa vega
Adam4tvs: nah i saw you put it in there
Adam4tvs: is it on vibrate?
Minialaur: true..its somewhere around here....
Minialaur: I dont remember...lol
Adam4tvs: let's see...
Adam4tvs: well i assume you don't hear it
Adam4tvs: heh
Minialaur: hahah, are u calling?
Adam4tvs: yeah
Adam4tvs: thought we might get lucky
Minialaur: nope...i'll take a walk to my car
Adam4tvs: k
Minialaur: soon as I get my lazy ass up
Adam4tvs: well - before you jump
Adam4tvs: no way
Adam4tvs: you haven't been up yet?!
Minialaur: well...sorta
Minialaur: haha
Adam4tvs: you take that dog on a hike?!
Adam4tvs: you PROMISED **** (the dog)
Minialaur: uhmmm...
Minialaur: not exactly
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: lol
Adam4tvs: he was DEPENDING on you
Minialaur: I know, hes not too happy with me right now
Adam4tvs: heh
Minialaur: least it's not too hot out...
Adam4tvs: i get a call at friggin 9 AM (8 to all normal people)
Minialaur: damn
Adam4tvs: from Darrick who is on his way to roscoes
Adam4tvs: and asked if I wanted to come
Adam4tvs: and I'm like...ARE YOU HIGH?
Minialaur: so did you?
Adam4tvs: yeah- fried chicken and waffles
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: hehe
Minialaur: yum
Adam4tvs: well there was a friend from highschool with him
Adam4tvs: so I went to sit with them
Adam4tvs: but i didn't want to eat
Adam4tvs: cause i thought we were probably going to
Minialaur: you cant go to Roscoes and NOT eat...
Minialaur: it's nearly impossible
Minialaur: ;-)
Adam4tvs: well i do have some restraint
Minialaur: lol
Adam4tvs: although you'd never know that would you
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: well...
Minialaur: haha
Minialaur: nice icon too, by the way
Minialaur: ;-)
Adam4tvs: pretty fuckin arrogant if you ask me
Minialaur: just a tad
Adam4tvs: but i never get around to changing it
Adam4tvs: and now this new instant messenger shows it to me all the time
Adam4tvs: so i feel stupid
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: shows you your icon?
Adam4tvs: yeah it does
Minialaur: thats funny...
Adam4tvs: i never saw it before
Adam4tvs: for years
Adam4tvs: now I'm reminded of it
Adam4tvs: so i have to change it
Minialaur: maybe I should pass my icon off as me...
Minialaur: think it would work?
Minialaur: lol
Adam4tvs: you're a bit hotter than that babe
Adam4tvs: dont sell yourself short
Minialaur: awwww....<blushing>
Adam4tvs: speaking of which - we have a few things to talk about
Adam4tvs: it's been a long morning for me...
Adam4tvs: when can we get something to eat
Minialaur: hmmm, well..
Minialaur: only thing is I have friends coming over to see the house at 2
Minialaur: thats pretty much it
Adam4tvs: k
Adam4tvs: hmmm
Adam4tvs: how long after?
Minialaur: I dont know...what did u have in mind?
Adam4tvs: uhm
Adam4tvs: sitting outside
Adam4tvs: enjoying the sun
Adam4tvs: eating something "light"
Minialaur: lol
Adam4tvs: and talking about the pandora's box we just ripped open
Adam4tvs: and discussing how we can keep it from shutting just as quickly
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: lol
Adam4tvs: or was that more than you were asking?
Adam4tvs: ha
Minialaur: not at all....
Adam4tvs: not that i've been thinking about this or anything
Minialaur: ;-)
Adam4tvs: i really want you to see me as something more than a ball of passion
Adam4tvs: that's my biggest concern
Minialaur: still feel kind of awkward?
Minialaur: about the whole situation?
Adam4tvs: no i dont
Adam4tvs: not even a little
Adam4tvs: but this situation is bigger than "us"
Adam4tvs: it's you really finding shit....
Minialaur: yes...
Adam4tvs: and i want to help
Minialaur: I dont even know where to begin...
Minialaur: maybe I should look to those journals u were talking about...for inspiration
Adam4tvs: well you can just TALK to me too
Adam4tvs: lol
Adam4tvs: 5 years is a lot to read
Adam4tvs: ha
Minialaur: hee hee
Minialaur: I'm sure it is...
Adam4tvs: simply put...
Adam4tvs: our actions from this point on can close doors so fast
Adam4tvs: and i dont want to do that
Minialaur: neither do I...
Adam4tvs: i believe this is a pretty deep connection...
Adam4tvs: and i just want you to see me
Adam4tvs: as an actual person
Minialaur: absolutely
Adam4tvs: as opposed to, as i said, this crazy ball of - singing passion, eyes - licking
Adam4tvs: it cannot be based on that
Adam4tvs: or...
Minialaur: haha
Adam4tvs: again, the pandora's box will close just as fast
Minialaur: true...
Adam4tvs: but i have never, come close to feeling so certain
Adam4tvs: so i need to just allow you to feel
Adam4tvs: and let it be...
Adam4tvs: what it will be
Adam4tvs: ugh
Adam4tvs: this sucks on an IM....
Minialaur: ugh?
Minialaur: lol
Minialaur: let me find my phone...
Adam4tvs: oh yeah
Adam4tvs: the phone
Minialaur: unfortunatly...no house phone
Minialaur: we live on our cells, I guess
Adam4tvs: me neithere
Adam4tvs: hhe
Minialaur: haha
Adam4tvs: i gave up on that long ago
Minialaur: same!
Adam4tvs: it's slightly "freeing" isn't it?
Adam4tvs: i remember feeling irresponsible
Minialaur: completely....
Adam4tvs: for cancelling it
Adam4tvs: like my mom would be mad at me
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: hahah
Adam4tvs: and then it occured to me - I hadn't picked it up in 2 months
Adam4tvs: and there you go
Minialaur: exactly! it sat there...copllecting dust
Adam4tvs: and $50 a month
Minialaur: damn, were u calling china again??
Minialaur: or was it those darn 1-900 numbers?
Minialaur: ;-)
Adam4tvs: well i had unlimited long distance
Adam4tvs: since all my family is in ohio
Minialaur: ahhhh
Minialaur: my mom got pissed when I changed my cell
Minialaur: from a 702 to 818 number
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: she couldnt call me for free anymore...
Adam4tvs: well if you BOTH HAD VERIZON
Adam4tvs: anyway - go get your phone...
Minialaur: k
Minialaur: we'll talk later on...
Adam4tvs: ?
Adam4tvs: no CALL me
Adam4tvs: lol
Adam4tvs: that's the point of getting your phone
Adam4tvs: heh
Minialaur: thats what I meant, sily
Minialaur: ;-)
Minialaur: I dont know how long my friends are staying...
Adam4tvs: k
Minialaur: prob. not too long...
Minialaur: but i'll call you
Adam4tvs: oh i thought you were calling BEFORE that
Adam4tvs: confused
Minialaur: oooh....sure...k, im going to my car now
Minialaur: cross ur fingers that I dropped it in there
Adam4tvs: yeah no shit
Minialaur: or else I'm fukken screwed
Minialaur: I dont know where else it could be...
Minialaur signed off at 12:06:43 PM.
Minialaur signed on at 12:07:29 PM.
Well she jumped back online, but never called. I finally called around 2 PM, and it ended up her friends weren’t coming until 8 PM so I headed up right away. We went to a little outdoor café when I realized I had forgotten my wallet in my car and we had driven far from it (sigh). She was cool, but I felt like such an idiot. Great impression. I had paid for dinner, she paid for one round of drinks, I paid for the next – so I guess in theory it was pretty “even” – but now that I finally have money this was the situation I could AVOID. Sucked. The lunch was awkward. Insanely awkward. In fact there was a moment when I was certain this would be the last day I saw her. She seemed freaked out – but she still gave me that look when we stared at each other…
..so we walked around and started to get more comfortable. It was all coming back. The awkwardness was going away and we ended up in her car just sitting, talking and staring. I swear to you, I’ve never felt this looking at someone’s eyes. I wish I was better at explaining it, but I’m just not going to be. It felt like I was physically effecting her. It was the most entrancing thing I had ever felt. I keep writing the exact same sentence about this but I can’t put it into words. It’s like I know she needs me in her life. I see everything so clearly and know I’m in the right place. It’s… absolutely amazing. And even more amazing is that she feels it too. And is just as scared and confused by it. Fucked. Up.
So time is ticking and we go to get some coffee and I realize my wallet is still in my car. Luckily we were at the parking lot I was parked in so I run to get it – it’s not there. (Sigh) – I dig all of my change out of my car and it amounts to $2.95. I walk back in laughing about it – and she seems a bit weirded out by it. Immediately she has to go and we hug and that’s it. I kept saying what the hell… As she left I went to call her twice – ignored. Jesus Christ. Because of the money? Did it all the sudden give her doubts about everything? GRRR. Went home and wrote her this email:

SUBJ: ????????

Sunday, April 03, 2005 7:34 PM

Seriously Mini...what happened? Is it the money? Because I just found my wallet strewn all over my back yard (i left the studio door open)... the money i brought into starbucks was what i found in my ash tray... did that upset you that bad? Not to be completely annoying but we went from completely happy and loving to as if you had seen a ghost. !??!

And then saw her online:
Adam4tvs: ...
Adam4tvs: wallet
Adam4tvs: all
Adam4tvs: over
Adam4tvs: my
Adam4tvs: backyard
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: that's nice
Adam4tvs: you get my email?
Adam4tvs: seriously...are you alright?
Minialaur: not yet, just signed on
Minialaur: my friends are still over, btw
Adam4tvs: k
Adam4tvs: i just got a reallllllllly strange vibe
Adam4tvs: you can tell me to completely shut up if i'm off base here
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: ummmm....
Adam4tvs: ...
Minialaur: sorry, brb
Minialaur: my friends just left
Adam4tvs: k
Adam4tvs: i dont want to spend even 2 seconds on this if i'm off base here
Adam4tvs: my instincts told me something was wrong
Adam4tvs: and i'm just asking
Adam4tvs: if i'm right or wrong - just lemme know and i'll never bring it up again
Minialaur: look...I guess I am just a little freaked out by the whole situation
Minialaur: things became too intense and moved too quickly
Minialaur: I never expected that to happen
Adam4tvs: babe - i have noooooooooooooo problem with that
Adam4tvs: at all
Adam4tvs: but what the hell happened in the 35 seconds
Adam4tvs: that i went to my car?
Adam4tvs: lol
Minialaur: I don't know
Adam4tvs: can i just call - i'll be very short...
Minialaur: um...
Adam4tvs: ok - very tall
Minialaur: I kind of have to go now
Minialaur: maybe we can talk again tomorrow or something
Adam4tvs: you've said enough
Adam4tvs: it's in your court
Minialaur: i'm sorry
Adam4tvs: i can't chase something that is this put off by me
Adam4tvs: space, believe me i understand
Adam4tvs: please make the effort to talk to me at least one more time Mini....
Adam4tvs: ok?
Minialaur: yes, but I dont think I can right now
Adam4tvs: i know that
Adam4tvs: i won't make contact
Adam4tvs: i will respect that
Adam4tvs: just don't let this go for too long
Adam4tvs: it will feel like a mirage
Adam4tvs: and anything you gained will slip away soooooooo quick
Adam4tvs: take all the time you need, i'm not going anywhere
Adam4tvs: ok?
Minialaur: ok
Minialaur: I just dont think it was a good idea to meet today
Adam4tvs: ?
Minialaur: maybe we should have let what happened...just be
Adam4tvs: man, what the hell happened?
Adam4tvs: LOL
Adam4tvs: i've never seen a more amazing turnaround
Adam4tvs: wow
Adam4tvs: just...
Adam4tvs: you obviously know yourself better than I do...
Adam4tvs: so if this was a huge mistake..ok
Adam4tvs: i dont feel that way, but what can i say...
Adam4tvs: i'm more than sorry you feel that way
Adam4tvs: but in the moments we talked - you're very level headed about shit
Adam4tvs: it'll make sense in time...
Minialaur: hopefully so...
Adam4tvs: but please just let me know where you are in a few days or what not...
Adam4tvs: because my feeelings are no ifferen than they were before
Minialaur: sure, we can keep in touch
Adam4tvs: *different
Minialaur: it would be nice
Adam4tvs: ...
Minialaur: ?
Adam4tvs: sorry just dont know what to say
Adam4tvs: not sure why you won't talk to me
Minialaur: I will
Adam4tvs: ok
Minialaur: just not now...
Minialaur: I have to go
Adam4tvs: go babe...
Minialaur: bye...
Adam4tvs: bye
Minialaur signed off at 9:10:07 PM.
Fuck me huh? The Minialaur. Make sense now? Just amazing really. I will obviously let her go here. Hell I'm angry I didn't see this ending sooner being I've lived the whole thing before, nearly word for word. This doesn't sit well with me of course. I know people really well. I know she just freaked out, as any ethical person would. But something was different here. I really think I touched something so deep inside her (all kidding aside - lol) that she had no idea even existed. If that's true... I'll hear from her again. But it could also be my little head that thinks I'm so amazing someone could actually fall in love with me by looking into my eyes. But goddamn did I feel it...and I KNOW she did too. GRRR. It takes an incredibly special person to be that strong - in her situation, to truly stand up and fight for something like that. ANd how could she when we honest-to-GOD only spent 24 hours in contact? It's done. And amazingly, it actually hurts. I am really going to need to guard my heart better or I will be on heroin by June.
Anyway, earlythis morning before work I wrote, recorded and uploaded this song. It's slightly bittersweet, but any true Minialaur needs a song right?
<life drama end>