It was
perfect. I wrote this funny parody song of
Billy Joel and Ray Charles’
“Baby Grand” that would allow me
to show some great cut-aways of my piano
– nice, jovial, light – a
perfect fun entry to introduce my new
baby.
But I
guess taking a gander at the past 60
Journey songs and the realizing that
roughly 6 of those aren’t
horrendously depressing would clue you in
that this wasn’t going to happen. My
overdramatic ass would just be moved to
write a real song. I’m such a
pussy.
But you have to
blame it on the piano a little bit. And truly, this is
the first song that should be recorded on this piano
as I wrote it in the showroom just sitting and hearing
this monster for the first time. The chord progression
came immediately and stuck with me for days. The hook
for the lyrics took a little work, and the result is
easily one of my favorite Journey songs ever. But
I’m ahead of myself…
To say I had
second thoughts about this purchase is slightly
comical. I had 22nd thoughts about it. I could only
put $3000 on my 0.0% card and that left me with a
huuuuuuuuuuge chunk of my savings completely
decimated. That happy go lucky carefree Adam ceased to
exist the moment I handed that money over. A day that
was supposed to be exciting and happy – was
anything but. I felt like shit all day, I felt like
the weight of the world was on my shoulders, and I was
mortified that I killed my “happy” alter ego
for a purchase like this. That money meant security
and sushi, and now I’m back to fear and ramen
noodles. And then the piano was
delivered…
…very shiny.
Very loud. Very beautiful…Adam still feels like
shit. It was a whole mix of things though. I
couldn’t share it with anyone you know? I
don’t like things…just for me. I went
through this when I went to buy my first DVD after
Jess and I split. This feeling of not having anyone to
share it with…so it isn’t worth the buy.
Here was this unbelieveably beautiful work of art but
it just made me feel alone. So of course while playing
it – the “Baby Grand” parody was not
going to come out. Those chords I wrote at the store
turned into a song telling Jess I jut couldn’t be
friends with her right now. I’m either so angry I
could spit when I see her, so hurt I could cry, or so
in love I have to force myself to be angry and not
reconnect. I couldn’t keep interacting every few
days and be sick to my stomach before during and
after.
So it was a mixed
weekend to be sure. Funny though, at the times when I
allowed myself to be excited and happy about this
masterpiece sitting in my studio – I did a funny
thing: I wiped it down. I think I spent the majority
of the first couple of hours just walking around it,
and wiping down every tiny smudge on what has to be
the most beautiful shiny thing I’ve ever owned.
It’s like buying a new car and not knowing
whether to drive it or clean it. Turned all the lights
on so I could see the reflections. Just awesome.
Everything was bittersweet of course because a big
part of me thinks I’m the biggest idiot on the
planet but I did get some enjoyment out of
it.
And playing it?
Holy shit people – it’s just so LOUD.
It’s so…huge. For comparison, my old piano
has always kicked ass to me because it has a very
bright loud feel to it. You hit some chords and you
think – wow, not bad. This can rock pretty good.
It sounds like a FISHER-PRICE toy compared to the
grand. You open that lid, and the sound just
reverberates off the bottom and fills the room. You
feel like you’re controlling an orchestra rather
than hammerin’ a couple of strings. It is a
feeling like I’ve never known. It think I’ve
only ever tooled around on baby grands in my life time
and the difference is extraordinary. Of course it does
pose one problem – recording.
The joy of
“The Journey” songs was I threw the camera
on a stack of videotapes on top of my spinet and hit
and sing. No mics, no separation – my voice
always mixed perfectly with the piano because of the
set-up of the camera…
…unfortunately
with the grand that just isn’t the case – it
roars. It forced me to have to mic my voice and piano
separately, mix that in my computer, and then match it
up with the video. FUUUUUUCK. Not fun. Luckily however
this is now a “studio” so I can have those
mics set-up 24-7 so it’s not such a hassle. But
if this first song is any indicator, it’s worth
the hassle. I’m really happy with this song.
I’ve been saying that a lot lately, and I’m
not sure what it is – but several of these songs
are really, really good. And not just if you know of
the backstory – they have a mix of maturity and
heart to them that I may have had before, but never
had the situation to truly capture them correctly.
That and I’ve done 25 Journey songs in the past 9
months alone…bound to be some gems in there.
I’m rambling but the bottom line is I believe
there’s some legitimate “professional”
material here that is going to need to be pursued.
Time will tell.
And that’s
the case with everything. I’m in one of the most
surreal moments of my life. I am absolutely longing
for the boring domestic moments where the only drama
is in the movie my wife and I are watching. That or
just my career. To have every part of your life
dramatic is such a burnout. Take work for example.
With that much money going around, you had better
believe that an equal amount of stress goes along with
it. The only nice thing is that work is absolutely a
role I play by day. I leave it there. Every once and
awhile I’ll wake up in the middle of the night
thinking about a borrower I have to call or something
– but it is so far removed from who I am that it
easily stays at work. But then there’s the drama
of being single and utterly heartbroken. Guys, nothing
beats the past month for being hurt. It’s really
unprecedented in my 30 years. The overwhelming feeling
of never, ever, ever having that closeness again with
someone is very real. It happens in life. You get to
an age where you just want to be comfortable and you
have a “business” type relationship with
someone only based on common goals. All of which is a
result of getting so hurt, so bad, that you have to
keep the walls up. Something I never thought I would
do, but I am now doing with Jessica. I mean you should
see me with her. I don’t smile, my words are
forced, I’m obviously unhappy, I have nothing to
say. It’s a defense mechanism. I can’t talk
to her as a friend. Everytime I think of what I’d
say to her as an unbiased friend it comes out along
the lines of: “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
DOING?”. Very productive Adam. And until she can
explain the actions she’s taking…how can I
even relate to her? How can I be anything more than
“How’s the weather?”
Heartbreaking. To
have to say “when”
to us is absolutely devastating to me. Why so after
all that’s happened? Because realistically when
she steps foot in Columbus for good in 10 days
(finally after they used her for 6 extra months)
– that’s it. There’s no mending from
2500 miles away.
And that’s
why you buy a grand piano that will fill your heart
while it’s completely empty. I’m not sure
there’s a price limit on that, but if there is I
think I hit it. LOL.
