10:48 AM, Sunday, March 6th 2005:
There's always a balance folks...
Whew, what a week. It isn't even a slight exagerration to say I've eaten more sushi this week than I have in easily the past 3 years combined. It's fair to say that I am probably done with junk food. McDonalds, Wendy's, Burger King - now that they have to stack up against sushi, and that a $5 difference doesn't effect my decision? Over. I'll just NEVER choose that way again. As well, please realize that when I go to sushi it rarely eclipses $10 'cause I actually don't like the frilly shit. The big plates of stuff with sauce and fried tempora and blah blah blah... I like the simple stuff - no I take that back I looooove the simple stuff. How did this happen? How did a raw piece of albacore on a bit of rice become the food equivalent of an orgasm to me? Oh well. I'm lovin' life right now.
I'm also definitely finding the bad sushi places and immediately knowing the difference. I am nowhere near the sushi snobs some of my fellow co-workers are, but I'll be getting there soon. I'm so stalling...
So Jess and I have somewhat come to a truce. As I said I cannot judge her on her actions while so torn, hurt, heartbroken...all that. Can't do it. But whether we can really connect even on a friend side remains to be seen. I'm only cool when I just erase the past two weeks. The problem comes with the future. For example she's seeing this guy again next week, and although I shouldn't care, as I said previously I just don't agree with the situation. I do NOT think it's a good idea, and in fact might be the worst situation she could possibly get involved with right now. And what is most strikingly ironic about all of this? It is my exact situation to when I broke up with Burgundie in 1997. Same months of the YEAR even. So I guess we just don't talk about it. And in turn, that will most likely hurt our relationship. Oddly enough, if I even begin to talk about a woman I think is attractive Jess goes:  "I can't do this." LOL. I actually laughed at that one yesterday. YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU can't do this? LOL. But we both giggled a bit. Goddamn I sure hope she sees the bigger picture in a relatively short amount of time here because I want to be able to be good friends with her again. We have such a great connection and we're really skating on thin ice, but at least we're skating...
And honestly - without that pain, and did I mention that? Yeah, that still hits me like a ton of bricks at random times throughout the day. There is a LOT of pain from the events from last week that just huuuuuuuuurt. It really is the most anyone has ever hurt me in my life and all the money and sushi in the world can't hide it. Not that I have ever tried to hide pain, the exact opposite, but I am amazed how my mind flashes to visions of them together and I am immediately transformed into a shell. It's like a wave that I can't get through. And it has this syrup of INTENTIONAL, and BLATANT strewn all over it. Yeah - Jess and I have issues. LOL. But I love her to death man. I just have to stop taking it all personal because I can't hide the fact that I just want to hug her and keep her safe. And yes, I write that sentance and then sing this entry's song. That is the struggle of The Journey. When you plaster your heart onto a website for 5 years, you see all the holes in it.
So as I was saying - without all that shit, my life would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay too food. Ha - that was supposed to be good, but I guess food works too. Nice Freudian. But everything is just awesome - oh and DAMNIT I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS. If you have a savings account - CLOSE IT, and open up an ING account. But let me refer you because you get $25 if I do. It has an APY of 2.6% with NO minimum. !?!?!?!? No fees, nothing. It's 4 times what most banks give you. It has to be the no-brainer of the century. And it's just a regular savings account, full access to your money. I've been searching high and low for the best place to put my money and this beat every place on the planet and with no MINIMUM? Wow. Just wow. It's so funny - everyone on my Instant Messenger list keeps getting these IMs from me about banking. LOL. Just what you want to hear right? Anyway - spectacular deal. If you are in the position to have any type of savings account, DO THIS. It will make your money work for you like you're a millionaire, even if you only have $100.
Man I'm Mr. Remote Control today. What I've been trying to say for 3 paragraphs is that the balance is nice because everything is so goddamn great in my life that I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'm getting dangerously close to actual happiness. Hell I'm even buying new clothes (thus the ironing video last entry). !??!!? I have only purposely went out to buy clothes ONE time in my life - when I lost all that weight in 2001. This would be #2. And now I'm buying nice clothes. Another one of those things I said I would do if I ever could: dress well all the time. I just really never thought I'd be in the position to do so.
But yeah, my life is just a whirlwind right now. And you know, everyone senses it. It's fucking crazy, and had you told me this even a year ago - I would have scoffed. But I'm tellin' you that people can sense confidence from a mile away. They just can, no ifs ands or buts. And of course by people - I mean women. LOL. I have spoken with more women eating sushi or just being out at the grocery store, than have EVER - EVER - EVER looked at me before. The clothes do help (but in 2 days I was completely out of new clothes, thus shopping) but it's just amazing how "different" I am perceived.
And then the final piece of the pie - that will truly change everything: the creative side. It only took about 24 hours before I started planning for Japan, and I mean really planning for Japan. You think I'd waste this trip just to RELAX? Hell no that ain't Adam. Up first, I will be buying the camera to shoot "G" and maybe "Cameron" in Japan for the pilot. The opportunity (and I have no idea where this fits into the script yet) to have G walking the streets of Tokyo..acting like G to a bunch of japaneese people that have no clue what the fuck is wrong with this guy is such comedy gold, I can't even express it. Something along the lines of thinking he is so famous that everyone knows him and trying to act all bad-ass, yet everyone just scatters. The visual in my head is so funny man. LOL.
The second piece of all this will probably strike many of you as crazy, but I'm going to put together a quick DVD demo for some of the clubs in Tokyo whew I think The Trinitrons would go over well. Some of the bars that have entertainment... I now have 3 seperate 30 minute shows that I honestly believe would be so twisted and so different that Tokyo would eat it up. The technology...everything. It's just a perfect slice of Americana for that culture - and...man I really think it will go over incredibly well. Obviously, a technical nightmare. But believe me - if they want it, I will absolutely find a way. It looks like the flat screen set-up I've always dreamed of for 4tvs may become a reality...but in another country. Man, could I be trying any harder to live Lost in Translation? I want to spend a week playing a gig in Tokyo feeling alone and isolated because I don't speak the language. ROFL.
This is a strange time boys and girls. You're going to be reading a very, very different set of entries for the forseeable future. I am in a whirlwind. And amazingly - my head is on straight. I guess that's what happens when you don't have dick for 30 years. You don't squander, and your values stay in tact. I have to say, that no matter how painful the recent Jess situation was I've looked back on it and really been amazed at how I responded to all of these huge changes. The moment I realized that all the variables had changed, my instincts weren't selfish. I felt I owed it to our relationship to see, because SOOO much we thought was impossible was now here. I've been reading all the "break-up" entries and it's just unbelieveable. Everything we assumed was true about our situation just doesn't apply now. Fuck it, not getting into this again - my point is I had such a strong sense of what was right and wrong that I completely dropped any thought of myself and did all I could to get her to relook at all that had changed. Unfortunately she simply couldn't, but I gave it all I had. Most people would avoid the painful "ex" relationship at every possible turn but I was more than willing to accept blame, take on the wrongs, go to counseling, do all this SHIT because it was the right thing to do.
THAT is why this whirlwind won't sweep me away. THAT is why although I planned to just "hang" for 10 days in Tokyo, I am going to do all I can to change my position in life and further my dreams. There is nothing even remotely blocking my path to achieving my dreams now. And it is full steam ahead.
I am now officially happy I muddled through the past 5+ years with this written Journey. Because the transformation is happening, and it is completely chronicled. Now the chances of someone actually READING all of this are rather slim, but that's alright. I know a few will. And it will be as unique as any experience you'll have...