8:37 AM, Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005:
Most people don't say their innermost feelings online. Most people don't number them and attach a picture and video. And when most people feel they were wrong, they want to erase that moment...and I can't. I guess I could lock it, but that damage is done - and honestly it was how I felt.
I'll just come out and say it. I cannot judge Jessica at her lowest, most confused, most torn, disoriented, scared, lonely moment of her life. I can't. I have to judge her on the other 6 1/2 years. And the same goes for Jess. She can't judge me on one phone call I made after being hurt more than I've ever been hurt in my entire life. We never hurt each other during our marriage. We just didn't. Not like this. Yes there were disappointments, but this is gut-wrenching, ball slapping (or ovary slapping) pain that is a product of both of us being lost. Just spinning. Our hearts all over the fucking place. It's the product of breaking up and then living together for 6 more months. It's a variable that has thrown everything for a loop.
Hell I call it a variable - but it's both of us losing our ET-ELLIOT connection. Very few people have any idea of how close Jess and I are. My family, her family, our friends....they have no clue. We shut out the rest of the world, and we were each other's every piece of support. And now that we're apart - we are so hurt. In so much pain, and just REACHING. Trying to find anything to hang onto. She did what she thought she should do, and didn't call me that night - because she wanted to do it in person - not slam me on the cell phone. Not what I would do...but not necessarily the act of the devil. She didn't postpone the trip - she tried to do what she thought was best for her, because we were no longer "US" and she couldn't think like "US" anymore. She didn't think I would yank our friendship because of it. Nor should I have. I was hurt.
And you know what - no one will agree. At least I don't think. I can't truly defend it. Jess and I have a connection. It breaks all rules of relationships. I will be her friend until my dying day. I just will. I am saddened mostly because I know that all the pieces are there for us to achieve our dreams from just a few months ago - but there is soooooooooo much pain between us...that it will probably never be realized. But as friends...it doesn't matter. I will always want to help her. Hell she had the flu last night and I immediately asked if she needed anything. Grabbing my keys like I was about to go get some nyquil. It's just my instinct. That's 7 years of instinct pretty much telling me to erase ONE WEEK of our lives where I was hurt. And as I said before, she hasn't changed. That was the decision Jess would always have made. I would have postponed the trip - NO DOUBT - but she never saw what I saw. She couldn't (and still can't) open her heart to the possibility of a reconciliation because it just hurts to damn bad. And I have GOT to resepct that and move on. I just do.
And it kills me, but as much as I say she can't stand up to anything...you know what? She has. And I just didn't want to believe that it was ME she was standing up to. She doesn't love me like that. At all. She has said it. She has showed it. She has said it again. She will show it again. She said it when I cried for 2 hours, she said it when I gave her every reason on earth for us to try again. She has stood firm that she wants no part of me other than as a friend. Of course she picks THIS TIME to be her "coming out party of strength" but it is what it is.
So I apologize for the words I said. I will add a link at the bottom of that entry to this one so people will always be able to get the whole story. We all say things out of anger and pain - only I'm stupid enough to post it on a website. But that's the way life is. We say shit out of PAIN and then have to make up. The bottom line for me was - I know Jessica. I love this woman to death. What she did was the same thing I did when I kissed that girl on the plane. Two people lost. Just trying to feel human again. Jess is completely, and utterly, not attracted to me as a husband - she is attracted to someone else. She is in love with someone else. As much as it riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppppps me apart to admit that (and goddAMN does it rip me apart to write that) it is the truth. And she is following her heart. I can say all I want that it's wrong - she should be with me - I'm now everything she ever wanted...BLAH BLAH BLAH - your heart doesn't lie Adam. It doesn't. And just because I feel it, doesn't mean she does. I didn't get what I wanted and I need to accept that I failed here. I let her go and she went.
And as I've said a million times - I cannot judge a woman who has done so much for me in 6 1/2 years on not just a moment of weakness - because that's not what it was. It's a period of time where we're both just..fucking LOST. Guys - I booked a flight to JAPAN on A WHIM. COME ON. I'm obviously soul searching. Yes it feels great, but the timing is pretty obvious. I just want something to be happy about again. Something to look forward to. And so did Jess. And me coming in a week before the plans and just throwing all this SHIT on her...then I judge her as a friend on that moment? Not the other 6 1/2 years? No. As the title says, that's unfair. It just is.
I will not ask you Jess, to accept a word of this. I will prove it to you in person and through actions. I just ask that you don't completely freak out because I was angry. Please look at it from my shoes and you'll see my heart has always been there. Even this infamous plane kiss...think for two seconds how I felt. How long we had been...ahem... "apart". And how unattractive I felt. You know the answer. Just as I know why you did what you did. It's all there.
And to everyone else reading this thinking there really is some insight within these entries...you guys are getting such a twisted version. Not biased - just twisted. Twisted because it's my inner feelings. You know those things you think from day-to-day but never tell anyone? Yeah those? Well I'm in the mode of always posting my feelings. So don't think you truly understand my relationship with Jess. Well let me take that back. Read all THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY SIX ENTRIES. Watch ALL THE VIDEOS. Then tell me what weighs more. Last week or that?
Fair enough?
...now giggle at my ineptness.