Quick Note: Please read the following entry knowing that I change my mind 2 entries later. I, am, fucking HURT here and only keep it unlocked because it is exactly how I felt at that moment. I'm sure many of you have been here.

7:55 AM, Sunday, February 27th, 2005:

And when it's all said and done - you're left with a two week odyssey that will have more lingering pain than the entire year Jess and I struggled with splitting up.
The first locked entry was the morning after she got back and after I had held my damn cell phone in my hand for hours on end (even while taking a bath) just so I wouldn't miss that call. The call that never came. I also had to divulge in some written form the exact situation Vegas Guy is in that taints allllllllllll of this. I was obviously hurt she didn't call, amazed she didn't call the next morning - but by the afternoon I was disgusted. Best friends right? The act seemed so gutless, selfish, irresponsible, childish, immature - and again the situation she chose instead of postponing and just talking with me for a bit... I was done. I had spent days on end barely sleeping, not eating and I was being treated so poorly even as a friend - by 3 PM I had to call and end everything.
To give you some environment to all this, we just made the big move at work from a relatively small office in Valencia to a huge 40,000 square foot buiilding in Chatsworth very close to where Jess and I lived when we moved out here. It was a pretty big, exciting moment for everyone in the company. I even got the big-ass desk - we were all just running around this monstrosity of a building just giddy... except me. I was still sick to my stomach. Still in this haze. So hurt that she wouldn't call. As I said in the last unlocked entry - I knew the answer. She had a wonderful time, is in love with this guy, and has no intention of even talking about "us".... but to leave me hanging like this - fuck. So I just had enough. I knew it was humiliating for me to have to track her down to get her to talk to me, but I just had to end this. Of course by end this, I meant our friendship.
(sigh) So much of this has to do with the specific situation of the guy she met, but it does really sum up with her not calling me. I feel her actions are not those of a friend. If I were in her shoes, I would have postponed the trip. Even if I knew it was all a long shot - you owe it to the friendship to make sure. Marriage is special enough that you give it all you have when there's any light. As well, if you do go ahead and go - the least you can do is not string someone along. I was just so hurt. And the friendship was forever tainted. Trust was completely gone. As well, who was this? Was this the person I fell in love with? The Jess I knew made those hard decisions...or did I? Was it my influence all those years that made her into something she really isn't. It became clear to me that although through loving eyes - Jess was all these things, alone or with a support system that doesn't know her...she is someone completely different.
So that 3 PM phone call was harsh. All compounded by the fact that I was calling HER. Her excuse was she was scared, which just pissed me off more. The lack of respect for me, and the inability to see this from my perspective was just...unbelieveable. She had very little to say as I went on to simply say I couldn't be her friend. It broke my heart as I had always forseen the bond continuing as it has ever since I had my revelation two weeks ago. But this was just too much for me.
So a day passes and I had to call her to pick up the mail, it had really piled up for her. She comes by Saturday night and brings food and says "peace offering". I was polite and took it, but just wanted to scream. Yeah Jess - treat me like shit, completely disregard my feelings and then give me a cookie. It'll make it all better. So she took the mail and we stood and talked about bills and whatnot. I stood through all the pauses and didn't initiate any conversation as I've done our entire relationship. The silence was deafening. She finally said she wrote me an email she never sent. I said - well I'm here now. Minutes passed as she finally said she was sorry for not calling me. She was scared and wanted to have more time to talk to me and she was really busy that night and next day. So we started to talk a bit. Apparently because I wanted to end our friendship everyone advised her to seek out a lawyer for the house and all sorts of shit. I tried to explain to her that we're in a community state, it's 50/50 no matter what - AND we're both on the title. No one can take anything without the other one's signature. My concern is if this issue is pressed and fought - the courts could make us sell the home and there's just no reason. We can both keep this investment and make a fortune. Hopefully cooler heads prevail, and she can speak with a lawyer that can tell her all this. We'll see.
Not a whole lot could be said however to really change my position in all this. She knows I'm a man of my word and have a very strict sense of right and wrong. I wouldn't screw her on any shared investment (nor could I if I wanted to) but to be friends.... I am pretty strong in my position to disconnect. As I walked her out something just hit me: She has never changed. You're expecting her to be more than she is.
Hmm. It took me all of 5 seconds then, but will take me a paragraph to explain. Jess has always needed someone's support to make the right decision - always. She has never been one to stand up and make huge, difficult decisions by herself. It's not that she's necessarily unethical, but if it is a hard choice - she takes an easier route. Always has. The only way that has ever been different was when I was pressing her to look at the bigger picture. Without that presence she is somewhat lost. She'll probably be the first to admit that. It is who she is, and has always been. It is what I fell in love with. It is also where our bond came - we were a good team in that sense, and we truly needed each other.
So it begs the question, how do I not forgive her as a friend? I hoped that more of what I tried to show her in our life would rub off, and I assumed it had. I knew what I would do in her shoes this past week and for her to not do it, in a move that was soooo obvious to me, it just shook me. She is not what I built her up to be. Honestly - it's everything I said in that last song (which may be one of the best ones I've ever written for The Journey). But, big but here... she is what she's always been. And if I could be her friend before this incident, I should be able to put myself outside of the situation, and my personal pain, to be her friend again. Maybe a long way down the road I guess. The problem is, any true connection - is gone now. And maybe that's for the best. I don't believe I can ever confide in her. I don't believe she understands the responsibility of holding someone's dreams in their hands. Or if she does understand that responsibility, she can't truly accept it. At least not now.
Of course we're going to be living 2500 miles away and that will probably keep any of this from coming up again. It's sad as I had envisioned being able to help her through her relationships and give her advice, and be there for all the shit that's coming... I just can't now. Especially the relationship she's currently in. I am aware however that what she did was not a personal attack on me, it's just who she is. I just happened to be in the way of that this time.
Anyway - I'm done with the depressing songs (for this month anyway) and must show you the pups. And honestly there's no way I can ever top 393. Seriously, I mentioned it in the last locked entry but I think that song just may inspire me to get some equipment and record an entire album. This "Home Theater" idea for the guesthouse could very quickly become a recording studio. Time will tell.
And to Jess...this has to be the most demeaning thing you've ever read and I'm just so sorry. Please know I love you and that you are the same person I fell in love with 6 1/2 years ago. I do believe we were an incredible team and with where I'm at now could probably be even stronger. Unfortunately, apart - we make different people. And I guess without our interraction we're so different we can barely connect. If you ever have the chance, try to go on a vacation by yourself for about a week. Relax, take baths, and find out who you are. You went from your parent's house to mine without a moment to be you. Your family influenced you, then I influenced you - and now someone else is going to be. When are you going to?
Love babe.
Please read #396 (and skip over my best entry EVER) first. It's necessary.