Adam Kontras.com - I can't make you more...





Saturday, February 26th, 12:54 PM: Man, I didn't want two locked entries here, but there's really no way around it. Because not only did she not call me that night or the following morning...I had to finally call her at 3 in the afternoon, and I pretty much ended everything. It was the culmination of so much soul searching and realization for me. Long gone was the thought of her evey actually keeping her word to work things out as she had said on Sunday. The fact that she didn't have enough consideration to call me... I had to humiliate myself and call her? I said it all in the previous locked entry really - but now I had to say it. Her excuse for not calling? She was scared to. You just want to scream. HAVE INTEGRITY. HAVE CHARACTER. HAVE INTESTINAL FORTITUDE. HAVE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. All these things you want to scream, but mean absolutely nothing to the person you tell them to because they don't have those things. I was very calm and just explained that I felt she was incredibly selfish and had treated me amazingly disrespectfully. She didn't have a grasp on reality, she was immature...OK so I kind of laid into her. I didn't know what to do really. I didn't want to be friends with this person...and I felt she needed an explanation. I know she assumed I'd be hurt that she didn't "pick me" but that's the least of it. Her general lack of respect was the problem. Especially considering that Joe is anything but a prospect for a relationship. She thinks he is, she thinks he's REALLY leaving his wife this time - but she is just too immature to understand that the same man who would cheat on his wife for nearly a DECADE, is not the man you will have a relationship with. And if he's cheating on his wife - WITH YOU, RIGHT NOW... this is not a good prospect for a happy, loving and honest marriage. It's funny, she knows it too. In that infamous text message it read "I want things to be perfect with us. I want to be honest, I won't lie to you and you can't lie to me". Not sure if that's a message of hope or an actual statement to him. Obviously she can see the hypocrisy of lying to your wife saying you're on a business trip and fucking an old girlfriend/girl who worked for you. But she doesn't care. And all those around her don't even know this. So I end up looking like some jealous ex when I'm just a hurt friend. To think she couldn't postpone this trip for a few weeks to just spend some time talking with me as we had done for the past week... It's a slap in the face as a friend. She has no idea the breadth of her choices. None. And then, to top it all off - not call me when she got back? Knowing how much I labored over every hour? To not even immediately feel responsible to me at all? That's what friends do? If you know that you're doing something that is BLATANTLY hurting someone you love, the least you can do is make that call. But to be scared? I mean the spine of an amoeba man... It's just so obvious. So the call ended badly of course. But amazingly - not even a word of an apology. She barely said a word the entire 18:39 second conversation. As usual it was up to me to bring everything up, to even call her, and to even resolve things. She had no answer to anything. Got really mad when I called her immature and added a nice bit about me being "insane" the week leading up to the trip. Yeah, is there a sane way to express all that to someone in 5 days? I was as cool as I could be. I simply took her out to dinner and tried to talk to her. Yes, I cried a bunch. I was heartbroken that she didn't understand what I was saying - and somehow thought this relationship with Joe was worth not listening to me. I felt I had a handful of moments to try and show all this stuff before she stepped onto that plane. And in a way I was right. The second I hung up the phone though... I was ok. The endless wait was over. The relief was incredible. I was hurt for Jess of course, because the lessons she's gonna learn with this guy are going to be very very hard. But the positive in all of this was - she showed her true colors SO LOUDLY that I don't have to play what-if anymore. I don't have to sit and wonder what-if I had made all those revelations a month before? What if I had this money 6 months previous... because it just would've clouded my vision of Jessica more. And honestly - this "lack of spine" issue was very evident throughout our life together. As I said before the amount of times I had to tell her "Just tell the truth" when she was in certain situations was outrageous. Unless constantly prodded to be ethical - she isn't. Hell, when her family pulled the money for our wedding, for a miscommunication between HER and her mother... did she defend me? No, I was the fall guy - and I groveled to her parents to get it back on for Jess. It was the first moment where I saw Jess really had no idea what was "Right and wrong". Since that time, the parent's idea of me has always been skewed - and conversely, because she's never honest with them about anything in her life that may make her look bad - their opinion of her is skewed. But just in general, all communication and decisions were 99% me prodding with her to speak or to communicate. Even the divorce - it was like pulling teeth trying to have any conversation. Hell she hid the fact that she was only attracted to women (unless she has an emotional attachment) in 2003 because she was scared of that meaning we'd split up. I mean give me some fucking respect! She couldn't even talk about being dperessed out here because EEK - we might split up. It was after constant protesting from me to LOOK at her situation and realize that there was no way she could raise the family she wanted. It was incessant... so trying. I was completely alone and had to fight to get her to do the right thing. Ugh. This was really the icing on the cake honestly. I never would have dreamed she wouldn't call me. Would be that inconsiderate. It still hurts honestly. And that she doesn't get it... or hell - hasn't called me since THAT phone call to work it out? To make ANY STEP in ANY DIRECTION on HER OWN!?!? wihtout being prodded and pushed. Honestly if someone didn't pull her aside and mkae her deal with her shit - when would she? Had I not called - when would she have called me!??!! Honestly, I did want to see how long it took her - but for my own health I just had to end it. No matter how "Wrong" that was, I just had to EAT. SLEEP. Well sleep was bad...but at least I am eating again. AHHHHHHHH - now I have to figure out how to end the UNLOCKED entry for all this. I'm tellin' you the married thing is the sticking point here. Honestly - it's what puts this over the top. Yes she was inconsiderate, but to think what she gave up for that? Man... and no one will ever know. I'm not going to be the cause of defaming Jess publically - or freaking her family out... or even fucking up his life. Just cause I dont agree with it, doesn't mean I have the right to tell on everyone you know? There's just no need. It's just unfortunate that in this case it really changes the story. Oh well. My true friends know the truth. And many strangers reading the story could probably guess from my hints. I'll hint a bit more in the unlocked entry - and finally end this on Sunday. Whew. Adam Man, I'm starting to think I should invest in some equipment and actually record a real album again. These songs have a lot of potential.

Saturday, February 26th, 12:54 PM: Man, I didn't want two locked entries here, but there's really no way around it. Because not only did she not call me that night or the following morning...I had to finally call her at 3 in the afternoon, and I pretty much ended everything. It was the culmination of so much soul searching and realization for me. Long gone was the thought of her evey actually keeping her word to work things out as she had said on Sunday. The fact that she didn't have enough consideration to call me... I had to humiliate myself and call her? I said it all in the previous locked entry really - but now I had to say it. Her excuse for not calling? She was scared to. You just want to scream. HAVE INTEGRITY. HAVE CHARACTER. HAVE INTESTINAL FORTITUDE. HAVE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. All these things you want to scream, but mean absolutely nothing to the person you tell them to because they don't have those things. I was very calm and just explained that I felt she was incredibly selfish and had treated me amazingly disrespectfully. She didn't have a grasp on reality, she was immature...OK so I kind of laid into her. I didn't know what to do really. I didn't want to be friends with this person...and I felt she needed an explanation. I know she assumed I'd be hurt that she didn't "pick me" but that's the least of it. Her general lack of respect was the problem. Especially considering that Joe is anything but a prospect for a relationship. She thinks he is, she thinks he's REALLY leaving his wife this time - but she is just too immature to understand that the same man who would cheat on his wife for nearly a DECADE, is not the man you will have a relationship with. And if he's cheating on his wife - WITH YOU, RIGHT NOW... this is not a good prospect for a happy, loving and honest marriage. It's funny, she knows it too. In that infamous text message it read "I want things to be perfect with us. I want to be honest, I won't lie to you and you can't lie to me". Not sure if that's a message of hope or an actual statement to him. Obviously she can see the hypocrisy of lying to your wife saying you're on a business trip and fucking an old girlfriend/girl who worked for you. But she doesn't care. And all those around her don't even know this. So I end up looking like some jealous ex when I'm just a hurt friend. To think she couldn't postpone this trip for a few weeks to just spend some time talking with me as we had done for the past week... It's a slap in the face as a friend. She has no idea the breadth of her choices. None. And then, to top it all off - not call me when she got back? Knowing how much I labored over every hour? To not even immediately feel responsible to me at all? That's what friends do? If you know that you're doing something that is BLATANTLY hurting someone you love, the least you can do is make that call. But to be scared? I mean the spine of an amoeba man... It's just so obvious. So the call ended badly of course. But amazingly - not even a word of an apology. She barely said a word the entire 18:39 second conversation. As usual it was up to me to bring everything up, to even call her, and to even resolve things. She had no answer to anything. Got really mad when I called her immature and added a nice bit about me being "insane" the week leading up to the trip. Yeah, is there a sane way to express all that to someone in 5 days? I was as cool as I could be. I simply took her out to dinner and tried to talk to her. Yes, I cried a bunch. I was heartbroken that she didn't understand what I was saying - and somehow thought this relationship with Joe was worth not listening to me. I felt I had a handful of moments to try and show all this stuff before she stepped onto that plane. And in a way I was right. The second I hung up the phone though... I was ok. The endless wait was over. The relief was incredible. I was hurt for Jess of course, because the lessons she's gonna learn with this guy are going to be very very hard. But the positive in all of this was - she showed her true colors SO LOUDLY that I don't have to play what-if anymore. I don't have to sit and wonder what-if I had made all those revelations a month before? What if I had this money 6 months previous... because it just would've clouded my vision of Jessica more. And honestly - this "lack of spine" issue was very evident throughout our life together. As I said before the amount of times I had to tell her "Just tell the truth" when she was in certain situations was outrageous. Unless constantly prodded to be ethical - she isn't. Hell, when her family pulled the money for our wedding, for a miscommunication between HER and her mother... did she defend me? No, I was the fall guy - and I groveled to her parents to get it back on for Jess. It was the first moment where I saw Jess really had no idea what was "Right and wrong". Since that time, the parent's idea of me has always been skewed - and conversely, because she's never honest with them about anything in her life that may make her look bad - their opinion of her is skewed. But just in general, all communication and decisions were 99% me prodding with her to speak or to communicate. Even the divorce - it was like pulling teeth trying to have any conversation. Hell she hid the fact that she was only attracted to women (unless she has an emotional attachment) in 2003 because she was scared of that meaning we'd split up. I mean give me some fucking respect! She couldn't even talk about being dperessed out here because EEK - we might split up. It was after constant protesting from me to LOOK at her situation and realize that there was no way she could raise the family she wanted. It was incessant... so trying. I was completely alone and had to fight to get her to do the right thing. Ugh. This was really the icing on the cake honestly. I never would have dreamed she wouldn't call me. Would be that inconsiderate. It still hurts honestly. And that she doesn't get it... or hell - hasn't called me since THAT phone call to work it out? To make ANY STEP in ANY DIRECTION on HER OWN!?!? wihtout being prodded and pushed. Honestly if someone didn't pull her aside and mkae her deal with her shit - when would she? Had I not called - when would she have called me!??!! Honestly, I did want to see how long it took her - but for my own health I just had to end it. No matter how "Wrong" that was, I just had to EAT. SLEEP. Well sleep was bad...but at least I am eating again. AHHHHHHHH - now I have to figure out how to end the UNLOCKED entry for all this. I'm tellin' you the married thing is the sticking point here. Honestly - it's what puts this over the top. Yes she was inconsiderate, but to think what she gave up for that? Man... and no one will ever know. I'm not going to be the cause of defaming Jess publically - or freaking her family out... or even fucking up his life. Just cause I dont agree with it, doesn't mean I have the right to tell on everyone you know? There's just no need. It's just unfortunate that in this case it really changes the story. Oh well. My true friends know the truth. And many strangers reading the story could probably guess from my hints. I'll hint a bit more in the unlocked entry - and finally end this on Sunday. Whew. Adam Man, I'm starting to think I should invest in some equipment and actually record a real album again. These songs have a lot of potential.