Adam Kontras.com - The loneliest night...





Friday, February 25th, 9:05 AM: No call. No need to write about how that feels, you can imagine. I held my cell phone for 3 straight hours from 8:30 to 11:30 before I fell asleep praying just so I wouldn't miss it. What I’ve kept somewhat quiet is that I have not eaten since Tuesday at lunch. And the whole week previous it was once a day. I have been a zombie, sick to my stomach, completely disgusted – raging inside. And the only possible way to explain this is by locking this entry off from the public. No matter how angry, I will not publically defame Jessica. Joe, the man she spent the past 3 days with, the man she had a long relationship before me with, and the man she just couldn’t postpone seeing is married. Was married when she was with him before, and he never left his wife. She didn’t even really bother to press him to leave her then – she felt just fine ignoring it. He’s been married the 7 years since, and is still married. She wholeheartedly believes he’s never cheated on his wife in the 7 years since, it just happened to be her back then and another girl who worked for him. You can stop rolling your eyes now. Now of course she thinks she can provide the self-esteem he needs to leave his wife. This whole fact changes things drastically. This relationship was more important to her than ours. That is what has been adding such a layer of SHIT to all this. She is not the woman I thought I knew. For example. Many times in our 6 ½ years together, moments would come up where she would ask me what to do in a situation. My answer, was always, tell the truth. It was a common joke between us. Situations at work, scruples questions, ethical choices – just everything. She’d ask me, and I’d always, almost sighingly, say: “Jess, just tell the truth…” And she’d say, yeah I know you’re right. It now is clear to me that without me in those situations, she would not have chosen the ethical route. I was the only influence, and without it – it’s not in her make-up. Especially when her entire support system is not ethical. Her family, her friends. Hell her boss at work takes the cake. He has used her for close to a year now after he knew she needed to move on. She told him in July and her move was postponed month after month. It’s now postponed until March. He doesn’t have her best interests at heart at all, yet he and his family are the people she is now looking to for guidance. As she has no intestinal fortitude herself – their words have more power. As well, she’s not honest with the people she’s listening to. Her mother has no idea Joe’s married – didn’t know he was married before, in fact probably doesn’t even know she was screwing her BOSS at the restaurant. She has never been honest with her mother about anything. The problem of course with lying to your support system…is the advice you tend to get becomes a bit skewed. You basically get to hear exactly what you want. I noticed that when it came to me in their life. I had no idea why the fuck I was treated so poorly by these people. In hindsight, Jess wasn’t honest with them. I mean, they thought she was a virgin before she met me. Just that skews everything. I become this monster that snatched their innocent daughter away. She could never say the things that were difficult, always chose the selfish route – therefore everything becomes tainted. It’s why I always, always, always press honesty. Obviously you can’t be completely honest 100% of the time. That’s life. You will have situations where you hold things back, but I have to be the only person on the planet that tries to tell everything. Always. Just like the plane ride kiss after Jess and I broke up. To a man, everyone told me I was a fuckin moron for saying that. And my only reply was – it’s the truth. I don’t feel guilty for it, because I wasn’t hurting Jessica – we were broken up. Had I ever, ever thought there was a chance? Jesus – I’d have flown BACK. I prayed for any sign. I prayed for Jess to just hug me and say: “I love you, I can’t have a family without you – no matter where we live”. It NEVER happened. Ever. She had no ability to stand on her own two feet and make decisions. The entire separation was my doing. Trying to show her that I could NOT provide this life she was so depressed about not having. Hell I even mention it in the “There Was A Boy…” song. It’s a very slight jab at her: He didin’t think, He could provide, She softly spoke and softly cried. She didn’t support me. She didn’t believe I could do it either. Hell even when I got the mortgage job she all she was concerned about was if I could make the mortgage payments when she left because she didn’t think I’d succeed. I mean fuckin hell. Anyway – I’m rambling here. My point in all this is deeper than the past. I’m realizing that I’ve built Jess up into something she isn’t. She was only that person through my eyes, and my words. She is now completely her own person, and it’s not someone I respect. I mean even complete strangers, trying desperately to play devil’s advocate, feel that the right thing to do – was to postpone the trip. Especially when she said she’d move in with me for a couple weeks. You don’t say that, even if it’s out of pity for me, and then go ahead and break all emotional and physical ties with me. Even if I was just a friend who was having a very difficult time with someone ELSE…she should have postponed the trip to be with me. That’s what love is. Love is unselfish and unassuming. I had assumed we’d remain friends for the rest of our lives. I assumed she had my best interests at heart as I sure as hell had hers. I was completely wrong. The pain as you can see, is not just a lover getting his heart broken. It’s a friend realizing he is incredibly alone. It is a betrayal that just cuts so deep. Luckily, with the distance that will be between us – civility will be possible. In time, I’ll be able to talk about the weather with her. Sharing the house won’t be a problem, I’m absolutely a man of my word. I always have been. It’s just that 2 weeks ago we had the makings of a beautiful relationship. In many ways the way I feel about Burgundie. Talked to Burgundie the other day and I still love her and care about her. I understand why she did what she did and I don’t believe she ever didn’t have my best interests at heart. She thought she had made a mistake and corrected it immediately. It hurt then, but she was right. I respect her and will be her friend for life. Even if it’s a few phone calls a year. So it’s tough. The fact that she still hasn’t called me and spent all last night telling her boss’s wife (who she's been living with these past 2 months) how great everything was and how in love she is with ZERO thought of what I have gone through and continue to go through… it is unbelieveable. It is a level of selfishness that is unmatched. Considering the only pain I have EVER caused her was while we were broken up? Jesus Jess… I can only hope, and I really mean this, Joe is capable of supporting her from a long distance. He lives in Virginia btw, not Columbus as I’m sure many assumed. I know Jess is relying on me to be there for her as a friend, and I just can’t do it. And unless she is honest with her family, she will have no one that really knows her. No one that can really give her sound advice which she obviously needs. On my side of things, to say the least I am doing poorly. I am quite simply wrought with pain. I’m so scared about my health I’m considering checking into some place for an IV – my stomach cannot handle more than a bite…and even then I get nautious. I think once Jess has the fuckin balls to call me I will be alright, but honestly if it isn’t today? I may not speak to her no matter how much she calls until she goes back to Columbus. Every hour that passes amazes me even more. And I keep going over the conversation in my mind and having to pull information out of her because she can’t stand up and just speak. I won’t do it. I’m not saying a word. I will let her know that the reason I’m not speaking to her has little to do with her being my wife again, but being my friend…but that’s it. I thought this was the worst situation I could’ve imagined a week ago – I had no idea what it would become. Adam

Friday, February 25th, 9:05 AM: No call. No need to write about how that feels, you can imagine. I held my cell phone for 3 straight hours from 8:30 to 11:30 before I fell asleep praying just so I wouldn't miss it. What I’ve kept somewhat quiet is that I have not eaten since Tuesday at lunch. And the whole week previous it was once a day. I have been a zombie, sick to my stomach, completely disgusted – raging inside. And the only possible way to explain this is by locking this entry off from the public. No matter how angry, I will not publically defame Jessica. Joe, the man she spent the past 3 days with, the man she had a long relationship before me with, and the man she just couldn’t postpone seeing is married. Was married when she was with him before, and he never left his wife. She didn’t even really bother to press him to leave her then – she felt just fine ignoring it. He’s been married the 7 years since, and is still married. She wholeheartedly believes he’s never cheated on his wife in the 7 years since, it just happened to be her back then and another girl who worked for him. You can stop rolling your eyes now. Now of course she thinks she can provide the self-esteem he needs to leave his wife. This whole fact changes things drastically. This relationship was more important to her than ours. That is what has been adding such a layer of SHIT to all this. She is not the woman I thought I knew. For example. Many times in our 6 ½ years together, moments would come up where she would ask me what to do in a situation. My answer, was always, tell the truth. It was a common joke between us. Situations at work, scruples questions, ethical choices – just everything. She’d ask me, and I’d always, almost sighingly, say: “Jess, just tell the truth…” And she’d say, yeah I know you’re right. It now is clear to me that without me in those situations, she would not have chosen the ethical route. I was the only influence, and without it – it’s not in her make-up. Especially when her entire support system is not ethical. Her family, her friends. Hell her boss at work takes the cake. He has used her for close to a year now after he knew she needed to move on. She told him in July and her move was postponed month after month. It’s now postponed until March. He doesn’t have her best interests at heart at all, yet he and his family are the people she is now looking to for guidance. As she has no intestinal fortitude herself – their words have more power. As well, she’s not honest with the people she’s listening to. Her mother has no idea Joe’s married – didn’t know he was married before, in fact probably doesn’t even know she was screwing her BOSS at the restaurant. She has never been honest with her mother about anything. The problem of course with lying to your support system…is the advice you tend to get becomes a bit skewed. You basically get to hear exactly what you want. I noticed that when it came to me in their life. I had no idea why the fuck I was treated so poorly by these people. In hindsight, Jess wasn’t honest with them. I mean, they thought she was a virgin before she met me. Just that skews everything. I become this monster that snatched their innocent daughter away. She could never say the things that were difficult, always chose the selfish route – therefore everything becomes tainted. It’s why I always, always, always press honesty. Obviously you can’t be completely honest 100% of the time. That’s life. You will have situations where you hold things back, but I have to be the only person on the planet that tries to tell everything. Always. Just like the plane ride kiss after Jess and I broke up. To a man, everyone told me I was a fuckin moron for saying that. And my only reply was – it’s the truth. I don’t feel guilty for it, because I wasn’t hurting Jessica – we were broken up. Had I ever, ever thought there was a chance? Jesus – I’d have flown BACK. I prayed for any sign. I prayed for Jess to just hug me and say: “I love you, I can’t have a family without you – no matter where we live”. It NEVER happened. Ever. She had no ability to stand on her own two feet and make decisions. The entire separation was my doing. Trying to show her that I could NOT provide this life she was so depressed about not having. Hell I even mention it in the “There Was A Boy…” song. It’s a very slight jab at her: He didin’t think, He could provide, She softly spoke and softly cried. She didn’t support me. She didn’t believe I could do it either. Hell even when I got the mortgage job she all she was concerned about was if I could make the mortgage payments when she left because she didn’t think I’d succeed. I mean fuckin hell. Anyway – I’m rambling here. My point in all this is deeper than the past. I’m realizing that I’ve built Jess up into something she isn’t. She was only that person through my eyes, and my words. She is now completely her own person, and it’s not someone I respect. I mean even complete strangers, trying desperately to play devil’s advocate, feel that the right thing to do – was to postpone the trip. Especially when she said she’d move in with me for a couple weeks. You don’t say that, even if it’s out of pity for me, and then go ahead and break all emotional and physical ties with me. Even if I was just a friend who was having a very difficult time with someone ELSE…she should have postponed the trip to be with me. That’s what love is. Love is unselfish and unassuming. I had assumed we’d remain friends for the rest of our lives. I assumed she had my best interests at heart as I sure as hell had hers. I was completely wrong. The pain as you can see, is not just a lover getting his heart broken. It’s a friend realizing he is incredibly alone. It is a betrayal that just cuts so deep. Luckily, with the distance that will be between us – civility will be possible. In time, I’ll be able to talk about the weather with her. Sharing the house won’t be a problem, I’m absolutely a man of my word. I always have been. It’s just that 2 weeks ago we had the makings of a beautiful relationship. In many ways the way I feel about Burgundie. Talked to Burgundie the other day and I still love her and care about her. I understand why she did what she did and I don’t believe she ever didn’t have my best interests at heart. She thought she had made a mistake and corrected it immediately. It hurt then, but she was right. I respect her and will be her friend for life. Even if it’s a few phone calls a year. So it’s tough. The fact that she still hasn’t called me and spent all last night telling her boss’s wife (who she's been living with these past 2 months) how great everything was and how in love she is with ZERO thought of what I have gone through and continue to go through… it is unbelieveable. It is a level of selfishness that is unmatched. Considering the only pain I have EVER caused her was while we were broken up? Jesus Jess… I can only hope, and I really mean this, Joe is capable of supporting her from a long distance. He lives in Virginia btw, not Columbus as I’m sure many assumed. I know Jess is relying on me to be there for her as a friend, and I just can’t do it. And unless she is honest with her family, she will have no one that really knows her. No one that can really give her sound advice which she obviously needs. On my side of things, to say the least I am doing poorly. I am quite simply wrought with pain. I’m so scared about my health I’m considering checking into some place for an IV – my stomach cannot handle more than a bite…and even then I get nautious. I think once Jess has the fuckin balls to call me I will be alright, but honestly if it isn’t today? I may not speak to her no matter how much she calls until she goes back to Columbus. Every hour that passes amazes me even more. And I keep going over the conversation in my mind and having to pull information out of her because she can’t stand up and just speak. I won’t do it. I’m not saying a word. I will let her know that the reason I’m not speaking to her has little to do with her being my wife again, but being my friend…but that’s it. I thought this was the worst situation I could’ve imagined a week ago – I had no idea what it would become. Adam