10:15 AM, Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005:
I would honestly change the channel halfway through this entry if it were a tv show or movie. It seems so over the top. So much so that as I woke up from these dreams I thought the same thing. But, it is an interesting read I guess, and I sure as hell know I need to write this…
So of course yesterday was horrendous. I thought I was at peace, I was anything but. Every moment wondering what was happening next with her. Every step. It was almost unliveable. I finally left work early as I just couldn’t concentrate on anything. I had to get home and put everything into some sort of order in my head, so I could concentrate on other things and be productive for the next few days.
I went home, watched the last song…I really like that little ditty. I wrote it with the thought in mind that just by her stepping on the plane – it was done. Of course that isn’t true. And I started to search my soul with what I could truly, truly forgive. My emotions all day yesterday ranged from anger, to arrogance, to pain, to forgiveness…just everywhere. No matter how logically I spoke about it, and how right I was when it came to my arguments – my heart was weeping. I just loved her so much. I felt that connection again. For the first time in YEARS I felt that bond with her and even with her turning her back and specifically ignoring that by hurting me even more…I still felt it. I still thought all she had to do was come home and say she wanted to try and I would forgive everything.
Then I laid down to go to sleep… wow. The second I hit the bed, I realized she was also at a nice hotel room in bed and… man – I have never felt more alone. It was surreal. Realize, I’m not 15. I’ve been through some pretty heartbreaking situations. So many loves, so many experiences – but nothing prepared me for the pain. And it’s not just what physically is happening. It’s that her heart is enraptured with someone else. The hollowness was unprecedented. I laid in bed in shock. People keep saying you have to stop thinking about it… well how is that even possible? And amazingly, I was just amazed at how much you can actually hurt. I wasn’t crying, I was numb. Somehow I drifted off. And yes, I thought of every possibly thing they were doing. It’s just how my mind works. I always think of every option. It’s great at work – it’s great with problem solving, but here it is just outrageously and grossly painful. But I drifted off…
The dream seemed reasonable enough. Jess and I lived in Columbus at the home I spent the majority of my childhood at on Northridge Rd. It was our home and Jess speed up in her car from the airport obviously a day short. I was surprised and she mentioned something about workers’ comp. The Vegas Guy had gotten hurt and everything was ruined. She came back, we embraced and cried and lalalalala everything was beautiful. I remember waking up and thinking: “Oh this is helping.” I’m not stupid, I know exactly what is going on with them and it’s what she needs to do. I in no way believe she’s going to come back and tell me nothing happened. So this dream… ugh. But off to sleep again.
Now this second one is as if my mortal enemy got control of my dreams for one night and decided to break my heart. This one RULES.
Jessica comes back from Vegas a day early again this time because of something with her. I notice she is showing. She found out she was pregnant (and in dreamworld it was completely appropriate that you are skinny one day and huge the next day). We knew it was from the last time we were together and she was ready to be with me. In the dream we just hung out. I listened to her stomach, heard the heartbeat – everything. I remember even making the realization that Vegas Guy knew before me and that ripped me apart. Jessica said she told no one else and he just happened to be there. I asked if she let him listen to her stomach and she said no and I cried that I just couldn’t handle being 2nd to him on something so important.
Then the part that killed me. I was with her back at my father’s house and I wanted to tell him before he saw her obvious stomach so I pulled him into my old bedroom that was immediately my old bedroom from the early 80s and he looked like my Dad circa 1984. Christ I’m crying at work as I’m typing this. And I told him “I’m gonna be a father”. He smiled and hugged me and it was just one of the most touching moments I can remember. We were walking back into the kitchen when I woke up.
The fact the one of the most touching scenes in my memory doesn’t even exist and is a complete fucking dream is not lost on me. It’s only 10:35 AM the next morning so it’s obviously very fresh. It’s just such an insight into what I truly want in life. It’s just so incredibly clear to me now and is in every single step of my day. The problem of course is Jess hasn’t called me, Jess isn’t coming home early, and we all know what Jess is going to say either tomorrow night or Friday. The question I’ve been struggling with is do I forgive her?
The answer now is obviously yes. It doesn’t matter what happens in Vegas. It’s a situation I created by even letting her go in the first place. It is painfully obvious that I love her to death and believe that she still loves me and I’m willing to forgive just about anything right now for the chance to let her see that. And here’s the rub. Here’s the final slap in the face:
It makes no difference. Because she is not going to feel a THING for me now. Let’s be frank here people – what’s happening as I type this is her breaking off completely in every possible way from me. Emotionally, physically, everything. She is going to come back, look me in the eye – and not give a rat’s ass if I’m willing to forgive her because she didn’t feel enough for me before she went, and she sure as hell won’t feel it now. From her perspective why would she? To try and work things out would mean not talking to him during that time and how can she do that? After what they’re going through right at this moment? It’s very obvious that this is not going to end very good. I am going to see a very different person Thursday night or most likely Friday. She will be emotionless and certain of her choices…. Goddamnit I’m leaving out one very, very big piece of information about this guy’s situation that undercuts all of this. It changes the whole situation dramatically but because I love Jessica so much I just can’t write it. It doesn’t really matter I guess. The bottom line is her heart is going to be with him for quite some time.
The writing is so on the wall here. The moment she stepped on that plane she was taking specific steps to break off completely from me. Her saying she wanted to move back in and work things out was completely out of pity and her actions show that louder than anything. I will of course wait, hope and pray that she has a change of heart (and good lord if we can get through this how can we not be FATED), but I’m not so emotional that I can’t see what’s happening. And it is simply the saddest situation I’ve ever imagined.
What does feel good however, is that my heart seems to be 5 sizes bigger than I ever thought it could be. I can’t believe I’m being understanding enough to accept what’s happening with Jess at this moment, and still want to forgive her. Part of me feels like the biggest pussy in the world, and the other side knows that honest-to-goodness true love is so rare. I can’t help but be proud of how I’m handling this. Granted I’m gonna get drunk tonight because I know damn well if they didn’t last night they're sure as FUCK going to tonight and I just can’t be in my right mind. If there was ever a legitimate reason to be drunk – it would be tonight. LOL. I can see no other possible way to avoid the scenarios and POSITIONS that will be running through my head once the sun goes down tonight. My sober mind will short-circuit otherwise. Please don’t be worried about me, overeating will be the death of me long before alcohol will be. And knowing me I’m going to go home and write a song and make a video and forget about drinking. It’s usually how it goes. Why do I have to be so honest? Jesus, shut up Adam.
PS - The video was obviously done after work when I got home. As I type this before I go to sleep I am not only a little angry - my entire persepctive on this has completely changed. All I can do is upload the video and type the next entry tomorrow. For now I must face the worst feeling of loneliness I've ever fuckin' known. I can't imagine the entry tomorrow will not only be scathing, but locked forever. I apologize.