9:23 PM, Monday, February 21st, 2005:
Let's be perfectly honest here. The situation that Jessica and I are in right now, is easily one of the most heart-wrenching, difficult things I've ever imagined in a relationship between two people. Seriously, the timing is so Shakespearian, the stakes are so high, and it isn't the slightest bit contrived. We aren't making this more than it is. It's simply fucked. LOL. From Shakespearian to fucked. Sorry Bill.
Jess and I went out last night at her request. Went to dinner at Jerry's Deli and had a bit of a revelation. Jess let me know that she was willing to postpone her trip back to Columbus on the 6th, to move in for a few weeks and just see. See what? Just see. I was absolutely shocked. Had no idea. Didn't see this coming at all. My mind was racing. All I wanted was a little more time to just BE again. I didn't want to have to cram it all into 5 days, I wanted the urgency gone...I just wanted us to sit there. Talk. Think. Love. I now had that opportunity, and it completely melted my heart. It was a possibility that we couldn't get past things - but at least we would try for a bit. Again, after the past few entries you can imagine how I felt. It isn't saying she's ready to be together, it's that she's just willing to try.
But she is going to Vegas tomorrow. And whatever happens happens.
I'm very good at putting myself in other people's shoes. I do understand where she's coming from. The tickets have been bought for 2 weeks, the hotel room paid for - hell probably a show or two lined up. It would be highly disappointing to him, and the bottom line is - she has no physical feelings for me, and is not ready to open her heart to me. She has opened it to him, and it didn't hurt her. He is in a similar situation and they are helping each other through it. She sees no reason to stop that process.
Now, let me put my shoes back on. Give me a second - they have laces...
I disagree. I don't believe she should cancel a thing...but I would postpone things for a few days or a few weeks. I just would. I have no idea how she can possibly go through with that after the 8 days we've spent and after she's admitted she's willing to try. I don't see how her obligation to be with him is stronger than our 6 1/2 years. What could possibly be the rush? Hell I understood things from his perspective in the last entry, wouldn't he as well? If he thought for a moment she could spend a happy life with me - wouldn't he want her to at least see? Am I insane? Everyone she talks to about it thinks I have no right here... but why? What the hell did I do other than sacrifice EVERY COMFORT I HAD by letting her go? I knew I couldn't provide for her, hell her father told her that from the beginning (LOL), and I wanted her to be happy the rest of her life. I don't deserve a PAUSE in her plans to just see? I'm dumbstruck.
OK so that last paragraph was me being selfish, the one before was me seeing it from her eyes. Lemme try a paragraph just as unbiased as I can possibly possibly do this:
She is hurt by what I've done, even though we were completely split up. She has a legitimate connection with this guy, and whatever bad he has done to her was 7 years ago. She feels she can help him and seems to have that same "superman" complex I have. They make each other feel great, and the potential of that is ten times more comfortable than opening your heart up to so much pain. She is taking the path of least resistance simply to feel human again. It's up to me whether to forgive her because our love is strong enough to beat anything, or decide that this is just too much considering the situation.
How did I do? Heh. You know you can rationalize it all you want, but my heart and her heart will determine this. Let me finish the chronology of everything before I continue...
So after we ate we went bowling to the place that was attached to the restaurant. Jess and I were unaware of this, but apparently the lanes were made out of GOLD. Amazing huh? Because for us to bowl two games it cost $35.50. And that was the DEAL. Like - one game? $21.50. Only FOURTEEN more dollars to go two. Now, you all must know how much I've been trying to show Jess that spending money is no longer the stomach churning event it has been but I'm surprised they don't have TOILETS on their sign, as I've never seen a more glaring example of actually pouring money into a toilet. Now that's in my head, but realized I swallowed the pit in my stomach and raced to get my credit card out to show how little it affected me. I'm believe the twitch in my face gave it away though. LOL.
And considering how fun it was, the money was trivial. It was very nice to spend the time, and we've really never done it. I had a great time and couldn't have felt closer to her. I was still so happy that she was willing to try - I just couldn't contain myself. I asked if we could get coffee the folowing night as she was leaving on Tuesday and she said sure. The night ended great.
When I woke up this morning, I had all day to just think. I called my father, my mother, Paddy, Georges - everyone I could really think of to bounce the prior days events off of them. My biggest reason for calling was that I was trying counteract what I was feeling. Basically what I wrote in the paragraph for ME above. I know I wanted her to see that we had a shot, and she did...and I know I understood she had to go... but if she actually goes through with it, I don't think I can do this. I wanted to kick myself! How could I say this! I mean fuck why must I have my cake and eat it too! Or, is that what she's doing!?? I soul-searched. I talked to everyone who would listen. I tried to defend her position as strongly as I could, and to a man - everyone said they thought she should just postpone the trip for a bit. The most understanding of all on Jess's side was my mom. She hit on a point that was very painful, but one I had thought about over a week ago. If Jess and I are to truly try to put the pieces back together, she needs to be on an even level with me. This evens the playing field. I've know Jess better than anyone has ever known Jess. Better than any friend or family member can even begin to attest. I can't accept that reason. I don't believe she works that way. I believe she has more integrity than that and knows that our situations are not comparable. I never did a thing when I thought we had even the SLIGHTEST chance. But the bottom line is, mom may be right - because tonight during coffee Jess pretty much laid it out.
She is going. She sees no reason to stop this process. Yes, she wants to try and work on this but wants to be with this guy for the next few days. I made it as clear as I could be that I felt the issues we had between us were already very, very, very trying - and that adding this to it, when it is completely avoidable, will be too much. And that's the truth. If she truly believes we have a chance to reconnect, than she wouldn't be going through with this. I have projected ahead to when she gets back Thursday night, and I don't even know where I can begin to categorize the situation to be able to forgive her. How do you forgive something that blatant? I don't even know if this is a "be a bigger man" situation. It's just the worst case of timing ever. I guess she shouldn't have to change her plans, and I shouldn't have to forgive what she does. It doesn't change the fact that if I had made this connection truly 3 weeks earlier - we'd probably be living together right at this moment, trying to talk things out. As it stands, she is looking forward to a wonderful couple of days with someone who couldn't possibly have been in a better place at a better time.
But you know what's amazing about all of this? I'm at peace. I'm at peace either way. If she isn't torn, heartbroken, and even sick to her stomach at the thought of being physical with him, than she is not the woman I should spend the rest of my life with. It doesn't make her a bad person. It doesn't mean we won't be the best of friends once she goes back to Columbus. It doesn't make me love her any less whatsoever. It just tells me that she doesn't want to go down the very difficult path of reconciliation. She believes she can find what we had with someone else, and it will hurt a FUCKLOAD less than with me. She could absolutely be right. In my heart, I'm saddened because I see someone I care about, at her most vulnerable state - flying to a city and to a situation that does NOT have her best interests at heart. I think she's putting herself in harm's way and not allowing herself to listen to her heart. And when she finally does, I hope she has the support she'll need.
Here's the kicker. She gets back Thursday night around 9 PM. I truly believe that I will not hear from her until Friday if things go as she's planning right now. What would be the purpose of calling me up to ruin my night? So I not only have to wait for the next three days killing myself wondering what they're doing, I will most likely have to put my head down Thursday night knowing it's completely over. I just can't imagine a shittier situation between two people who love each other. I am not a religious man by any means, but I actually hope that some of you just keep me in your thoughts for the next few days. It means a lot.
PS - The video is pretty interesting to me. I went to bed directly after writing this entry - had a horrible night of sleep and when I woke up I grabbed my guitar and completely ad-libbed this. I don't really even know if I feel the words as much as it's just what I felt when I woke up. The next three days are gonna suck.