10:48 AM, Saturday, February 19th, 2005:
This is all just one long story, so I'll just continue where I left off. Shocked shitless.
So I woke up Wednesday morning, slightly better. As I mentioned previously, there was a feeling of - what more could I possibly do. She knows where I'm at, she's just not there. Unfortunately one thing she said I just couldn't let go. And that was:  She didn't see it. I took as...she just couldn't see this transformation in 3 days. I felt that I had to let her see that before she went to Vegas. Of course herein lies my biggest piece of baggage in my life: sincerity.
You could sum up every issue I've ever had over that word. I am so deathly afraid of people thinking I'm insincere. It's why this fucking journal can be so tough. How truly hurt can I be if I can sit here and make pretty pictures and edit videos about it. There's a slight twinge of insincerity to it all. What people don't always realize is it's just my therapy. It's just how I work through shit. You all just happen to be witnessing it. I don't say this shit to my friends. We don't talk about this. If you hung out with me, you'd never really know. It just happens you can read all about it.
Anyway - back to sincerity. How do you possibly show someone that you're no longer emotionally shackled by poverty without actually spending money? How do you get someone flowers or girly shit without it seeming like the SITUATION caused it? Or that jealousy caused it? How can you possibly show your sincerity in this environment? I just tried my best obviously. Found a really good German restaurant because our entire relationship Jess and I never found one in LA. Surprised her with that. I also picked up a really cool orchid arrangement at the flower shop. Always thought orchids were classsy. Strange thing there though... I started getting weird heart palpatations... sick to my stomach, really filled with anxiety. And I kept thinking... what the fuck? I knew it wasn't my normal sick to my stomach about being irresponsible with money bullshit - it was more. It was this overwhelming fear of seeming insincere.
And then it hit me. I'll apologize up front to Burgundie for this because it was 12 years ago and it's more than OK...
When Burg and I had been going out for about 2 days...man I remember this well - It was Wedneesday December 8th, 1993. I had my picture taken with my little brother, and was to meet Burgundie at the library and got her a single rose for when we met. She saw me sitting there and had apparently heard from girls in the bathroom that I kissed Tara and used her and...just highschool drama. Tara was all sad, but it wasn't that kind of kiss, but she always liked me - and my 2nd best friend in third period said...blah blah blah. Bottom line, Burg was pissed and me sitting there with a rose made me look like a complete slimy fuck. She took the rose - yelled at me outside - and threw it on the ground. Hmm - wonder why I associate giving a girl flowers with being seen as insincere? LOL.
But I did it, and was happy to just have that flashback really. Jess came in, so the flowers and hugged me. A very loving, head in chest hug. I've never been happier that she was giving me just a chance to be me. So I cut the mushy shit short cause I was really excited to take her to the restaurant. She was very surprised and turns out the food was really, really good. It was about as perfect a night as I could have imagined. Not overbearing - just talking about everything. And trying to express how much I had thought about all the moments in the past. The night, was perfect.
Then "what has happened while we've been apart" came up. This was actually the start of everything the previous Saturday, and I really, really, really, really, really, really didn't want to get into it. I said that about 4 times. I knew if we were ever to be back together - there'd need to be serious counseling to deal with all of that. What on earth would be the point of ruining the dinner. No words can make that not kill an evening even if we were seperated when it happened. But she really wanted to know, and I decided to be honest. And of course, as Georges said the following day:  "YOU AND YOUR FUCKING HONESTY!"
We had called it off on July 9th as I've said before for very loving and logical reasons. I was flying to Columbus in late September for The Trinitrons 3 show and it was the first time as a single person. And sunuva bitch I happened to kiss a girl on the fucking plane out there. I say sunuva bitch and fuck NOW because it just blew up in my face. But goddamnit, back then? We were done and had been done for well over 2 months. And have you ever heard of being able to meet someone on the plane and have them that attracted to you? For a guy who felt pretty unattractive for a looooooooooooong time - it was pretty much a one in a million chance. That's all that really happened - never saw her again.
Now when I came back, Jess was recovering from an appendectomy and had been insanely lonely. She immediately wanted to be loving and reconnect and it put me in a tough position. Do I say anything? I figured that if by somemiraculous chance Jess and I were actually working things out - yeah I'd tell her. I'm just that honest about shit like that. But if we were breaking up anyway - I saw NO point in just rubbing that in. It ended up that we weren't reconciling and that was pretty much the end of it...or so I thought.
So I thought I'd be honest and tell her, and wow - that was a mistake. I mean in my defense, as her favorite Friends character would say:  WE WERE ON A BREAK. But it made no difference to her. Any loving feelings she was feeling at that moment in that restaurant immEDIATELY turned to anger. Check please, take me home ANGER. Bad drive home. It seemed the cruelest fate possible. To have such a wonderful evening get demolished by some random plane ride kiss when we were already broken up?!?!? GODDDAAMN. I knew she was just hurt and she'd understand soon - but when someone is flying to Vegas to meet someone, I think the last thing you'd want to do in my position is give her REVENGE fuel. LOL. I'm giggling now, but man, I was distraught.
To her credit - she allowed me to talk with her for the next 3 hours. And folks, I thought I understood what heartache was. We've all had that hollow feeling in our lives but this? Woah. This was so actually painful - there just aren't words. She had never seen me like this. And it wasn't out of jealousy, it wasn't out of loneliness or desperation - it was me actually connecting with our earlier dreams. These dreams that made us come out to LA in the first place. Those late night conversations where we dreamed of a family and a house. That's why I sobbed for 3 hours just trying to speak, because - I was watching that slip away. But the bottom line was that Jess has spent the better part of 8 months disconnecting from those deams. As well she sees potential in this prior relationship and as I've said a million times - potential will always be more powerful than your present situation. I represent pain, heartache, anger - so many negatives now, that there's really no getting past it.
As well, the second she gets on that plane to Columbus, gets an apartment, starts a life - there is no trial seperation 2500 miles away. You can't just leave all those comoforts of home to reopen old wounds. The only possible way of healing some of this would be counseling while we're still in the same state. Otherwise - the drift will be very, very immediate. But she needs to leave, she needs to pursue her feelings with this guy - and there's just no real way for her to be able to work through everything with us in such a short amount of time. And what kills me is that she's delayed her move since September to March 6th - but now she can't just delay another few weeks. She feels she has to go. And I'm just too late. I made the connections too late. Her heart is truly filled right now with that potential of rekindling an old flame. Which is just soooo powerful. And I so understand where she's at. Trust me, if Laura from Palaur called me and said she had just gotten divorced - the thoughts that would run through my head would make me soooooooooooooo tunnel-visioned. My only goal wold be to see if there was a chance. And nothing Jess would say would change that. So I have to let her go. I have to let her go back to Columbus and start a life - and I honestly, just have to move on. I'm too late. It's the hardest learning experience of my life. I have completely reconnected with what we were a few years back and she hasn't. She is completely not in love with me. Yes, she loves me - but that other love is gone. And I just have to hurt.
I'm trying not to beat myself up too much, because our decision last year was out of love. Completely. I just wanted her to have the life she always wanted. And I knew I would never be able to be a doctor or lawyer with that type of salary that would allow her to stay home and raise a family. Figures now I'm making more than the NBA minimum. Fuckin hell. It's funny - I talked to Burgundie this morning and she said something pretty dead-on. Something to the effect of money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure allows you the freedom to be you. And what I find amazing is that with all of this money - my first reaction is that Jess is the one who supported me, and she is the only person I want to share this with. It isn't - thank GOD I got this money after she was gone so I don't have to share it with her. Although - damn what kind of dick would think that. LOL.
So in a worst-case scenario I have my confidence back, I don't have to worry about money and can pursue my career albeit alone. That's not bad. And maybe, just maybe this guy in vegas will get really drunk, lose all his money, gamble away his house and be a total prick that decides to run down the strip naked making jokes about Siedgfried and Roy and Jess is humiliated because she knows that I would never make a joke about Siegfired and Roy. Heh. But as I've mentioned to people in the past few days - how do you fuck up Vegas? This guy has the opportunity of a lifetime man. And honestly, to you man... You have the chance of a lifetime. You promised her so much 7 years ago and never delivered, and now you have the second chance that no one ever gets to make up for everything and be incredible. Your stage is lit, and all you have to do is treat her like the absolute gem that she is. There's a very fair side of me that is rooting for you to be all you can be. As strange as that sounds. If your second chance with her allows you to see all your prior mistakes and provide that amazing life for her? Then someone I love very, very dearly will get the life I always dreamed she would have. So in the most twisted way EVER, good luck. We all deserve a shot like you're getting.
Ugh. Now fuck off.
And finally the video. Man have I had a problem with how this turned out. I watch this, and it seems so...scripted. You know? LIke, this was done 24 hours after I had cried all night - the most heart wrenching moments of my life and what was the result? Some sad piano ballad?... No. It's a little story video that puts everything into a nice neat little package and is sung in a slightly upbeat melody. So what the fuck? How can that be what comes out of me at my absolute lowest? Because it was the only thing that made me not go CRAZY. It is me trying to put all the pieces together and see the full scope of the story. And it made me feel good again. Yes, it's sad - it's almost a Romeo & Juliette-ish type sad with how bad the timing is but being able to make a piece of art out of it helps me. It is turning a negative into a positive. Making some sort of productiveness out of absolute pain. I can't really control that it didn't end up being sappy and gut-wrenching. The bottom line is that was the melody that has been haunting me, and it's what my heart said to do. And it's really what I do best. I take these moments of pain - and package them in a way that lets people into my head a bit. And I honestly - just do it for me. Yes, I always want to know what people think about it...but it makes me have the ability to move on. It's an incredible gift to be able to mend my own heart like this.
So enjoy the video, and thank you for reading all this. Granted, I'd write it anyway, but it means something to be heard. This is truly the 21st Century way of standing on a mountaintop and proclaiming your love for someone. And goddamnit, I love Jessica. I hope someday I can truly prove that.
There was a boy,
Who loved a girl,
They travelled halfway 'round the world,
They were a team,
They muddled through,
They were a lot like me and you,
He hit the top,
Her eyes were proud,
As he amazed the roaring crowd,
But then it all,
Came crashing down,
Her handsome King had lost his crown,
She didn't know,
What she could do,
He felt alone and she did too,
As time went on,
They grew apart,
He disregarded her dear heart,
He didn't think,
He could proivde,
She softly spoke and softly cried,
So out of love,
They both let go,
Although their hearts still told them no,
Then fortunes changed,
He realized,
The life she craved he could provide,
The guilt he felt,
For prior faults,
Demanded his full love assault,
But when he tried,
To touch her hand,
Her heart had found another man,
And so this boy,
Would cry again,
If only he had touched her then...