8:59 AM, Sunday, February 6th, 2005:
It's almost like one of those stupid beer commercials. You know, the one where you mix two completely different scenerios and get something goofy? I think it was Budweiser. Yeah - mixing dog-sledding and basketball for an Air-Bud Dunk contest or some shit. This is my life. I am a team leader at work, and when you mix Adam with a sales contest at a mortgage company - you get a bunch of grown men wearing my stupid caps and a team name of "The Lifetime Caps".
It's just one of many head-shakers in my life lately. I mean what on earth am I going to do with this poor journal for the next 6-8 months? I swear I've pretty much said everything I can and should say about where I'm at, what the job is like - and what the future is. It is more lucrative than I ever thought imaginable, and it's going to allow me to BUY open doors down the road. Do I repeat that 6 times a month until I start shooting the pilot? Do I keep avoiding what really is the absolute CRUX of this journey? (sigh)
I'm sure you can all imagine where I'm heading with this. There is a personal side to my life that I've obviously avoided (yeah I actually don't say EVERYTHING in these entries). Not that I feel I should, but at some point I just have to become Adam, single guy - in these entries. I don't feel comfortable with it now. This journey started as a chronicle of my dreams with Jessica. Hell the early entries were actually signed "Jess & Adam". When I write in these entries I still feel her with me in a sense. I'm having a really hard time letting go of everything I guess. Even though other body parts have no problem, in fact some even DIRECT me down other paths, my heart is comPLETEly with Jessica. So even mentioning dating, or watching a side of me flourish that has been dead so long - just feels like cheating. It's not, and it's something that is to be expected at this time, but I figure if I can't openly share it with Jessica, then it has no business within these pages.
It also brings up another strange vantage point. What does belong in these entries? I was always lucky in the fact that I was married in that sense. I could say Jessica's name and it was completely appropriate. But now it's all very strange. If I was always single it would be almost fun. You could make up names and it could be rather entertaining...but after the past 5 years, it just hurts. It's a constant reminder of what I gave up. Man, it's obvious - I just lock a few entries, and when it's time - you open it up. All I can say now is while I'm repairing a part of me that has been broken for so long, I'm completely miserable on the flip side. I have two completely differnt lives right now. And it's as bi-polar as I've ever felt.
I mentioned it a few times throughout the years...how could I do all of this alone? With the world completely insane in this city and what I'm trying to do - so impossible...my only constant was Jessica. This song said it all. I'm going through all this shit but I make it through because there's that amazing bond between us. I hate to re-use old videos, but there's nothing on the earth I could re-record that shows what she meant then, and what's missing now. That connection meant more so much. Now of course, that's history - and what I'm left with is this strange life where I go to work as this incredibly confident, successful man...yet come home as a shell, depressed out of my mind, searching for anyone to just listen to me. It has never been so drastic in my life. And in all honestly my "career" has never been more back-burner. For now, that's acceptable. I'm securing my finances, mending my heart, and I still find it amazing that I can even get up in the morning and not be in Ohio. Even Jessica doesn't know how close I was to giving it alllllll up.
It still remains to be seen however, if that was the right choice. Yeah, it's the weekend - so I'm a second-guessing little pussy. LOL. Ask me on Wednesday and I'm the most confident sunuvabitch on the planet. What next?