- 8:59 AM, Sunday,
February 6th, 2005:
-
- It's almost like
one of those stupid beer commercials. You know, the
one where you mix two completely different scenerios
and get something goofy? I think it was
Budweiser. Yeah - mixing dog-sledding and basketball
for an Air-Bud Dunk contest or some shit. This is my
life. I am a team leader at work, and when you mix
Adam with a sales contest at a mortgage company - you
get a bunch of grown men wearing my stupid caps and a
team name of "The Lifetime Caps".
-
- It's just one of
many head-shakers in my life lately. I mean what on
earth am I going to do with this poor journal for
the next 6-8 months? I swear I've pretty much
said everything I can and should say about where
I'm at, what the job is like - and what the future is.
It is more lucrative than I ever thought
imaginable, and it's going to allow me to
BUY open doors down the road. Do I repeat
that 6 times a month until I start shooting the
pilot? Do I keep avoiding what really is the
absolute CRUX of this journey? (sigh)
-
- I'm sure you can
all imagine where I'm heading with this. There is a
personal side to my life that I've obviously avoided
(yeah I actually don't say EVERYTHING in these
entries). Not that I feel I should, but at some point
I just have to become Adam, single guy - in these
entries. I don't feel comfortable with it now. This
journey started as a chronicle of my dreams with
Jessica. Hell the early entries were actually signed
"Jess & Adam". When I write in these entries
I still feel her with me in a sense. I'm having a
really hard time letting go of everything
I guess. Even though other body parts have no
problem, in fact some even DIRECT me down other
paths, my heart is comPLETEly with Jessica. So even
mentioning dating, or watching a side of me flourish
that has been dead so long - just feels like cheating.
It's not, and it's something that is to be expected at
this time, but I figure if I can't openly
share it with Jessica, then it has no business within
these pages.
-
- It also brings up
another strange vantage point. What does belong in
these entries? I was always lucky in the fact that
I was married in that sense. I could say
Jessica's name and it was completely appropriate. But
now it's all very strange. If I was always single
it would be almost fun. You could make up names and it
could be rather entertaining...but after the past 5
years, it just hurts. It's a constant reminder of what
I gave up. Man, it's obvious - I just lock a few
entries, and when it's time - you open it up. All I
can say now is while I'm repairing a part of me that
has been broken for so long, I'm completely miserable
on the flip side. I have two completely differnt
lives right now. And it's as bi-polar as I've ever
felt.
-
- I mentioned it a
few times throughout the years...how could I do
all of this alone? With the world completely insane in
this city and what I'm trying to do - so
impossible...my only constant was Jessica. This
song
said it all. I'm going through all this shit but I
make it through because there's that amazing bond
between us. I hate to re-use old videos, but there's
nothing on the earth I could re-record that shows
what she meant then, and what's missing now. That
connection meant more so much. Now of course, that's
history - and what I'm left with is this strange life
where I go to work as this incredibly confident,
successful man...yet come home as a shell, depressed
out of my mind, searching for anyone to just listen to
me. It has never been so drastic in my life. And in
all honestly my "career" has never been more
back-burner. For now, that's acceptable. I'm securing
my finances, mending my heart, and I still find
it amazing that I can even get up in the morning and
not be in Ohio. Even Jessica doesn't know how close
I was to giving it alllllll up.
-
- It still remains
to be seen however, if that was the right choice.
Yeah, it's the weekend - so I'm a second-guessing
little pussy. LOL. Ask me on Wednesday and I'm the
most confident sunuvabitch on the planet. What
next?
-
- Adam
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