9:30 PM, Tuesday, January 25th, 2005:
So many things swirling around my head right now. I feel like an old Apple IIe computer trying to process a million calculations. I know the answer is just to stop the processor, but it just isn't me. My life is so rich with change at every corner that I can't ignore it. Everything has meaning now.
At every moment in time I feel the necessity to keep the present in perspective. I look at everything as a story. I see the beginning middle and end, and the present is always the middle part. Now however, the ending seems to change with every step. It's maddening for someone like me. There's just so much. For example...
I am absolutely certain, after the past two weekends I've had, that I will fall in love, marry and have kids (not necessarily in that order - heh) with the first woman who gives me the time of day with a wink and a smile. I'm truly only slightly kidding. There's a loneliness now that I've simply never known before. Jess and I were and are best friends in the world. We did everything together. Our hobbies were the same, we would rather be sitting on the couch together talking or watching a movie than doing nearly anything in the world. That is now erased. It's as if I went to bed one night as a married man months away from starting a family and I woke up acting in someone else's life. I'm single and I go to work at a mortgage company. Huh? My entire identity has done a 180.
It begs the question of how I pull all this off. At some point - to truly concentrate on the career - I will have to quit this job. Could be a year away, but how do you give that up? How do you not keep the entertainment side from becoming permanently #2 to everything else. The job, although lucrative as HELL, demands #1 priority. It just does. And as much as I have it all planned out, the "pilot" will probably lead to nothing and I will have to find another way. How do I do that when during the week I am just the loan officer. So busy I can't even dream of doing more?
First of all, I have to hire a gardener that gets along with my dogs. Because my weekends are shit. That's all I do is yardwork and house work and shit. ALLLLLLLLL weekend. At some point you make enough money that time is just worth more to you. I may have hit that time. But the real problem is that I just don't see the ending to this story. I see someone else in my life, I see this job obviously - but the career? I just don't know how to do it all. Yes, I am completely happy just creating my heart as in the end - that is truly all that matters, but I know I have it in me - to make it on another level. I just know. I feel it's why I am on this planet, and it's the right thing for me to aspire to that.
Wait, what the fuck. There's a 27 year old on American Idol right now? I thought 24 was the cut-off? Fuckin' hell. Sorry to completely be off the subject, but that was the only reason I never tried out because I was always too old. Fuck me. This annoys the hell out of me. I could kick ass in that show. I'd never win 'cause I think my voice is too limited in the end, but I'd get far enough to make a name for myself. DAAAMN.
Anyway, so this job is kinda throwing a wrench into things. It's a juggling act that is pretty amazing. If I'm single for the next 5 years, then - yeah, no problem. But I know me well enough to know that's not gonna happen. We'll see I guess.
I think the answer may be a manager that can help. That sees all the potential, that is willing to work with me and find a way. As I get further into this job, it's completely feasible to run an entire day through your cell phone and a laptop. Very, very feasible. Right now I'm just trying to get the first batch of loans through, but in the future - I will have the system down. With the way I'm producing, they will understand if I have to take a Friday off to go to a meeting at a studio. Basically, when you produce they leave you alone. Just bring in those numbers.
Of course throughout all this, Jess is still in town and it's a constant reminder of the shift my life has taken. Everything is just so drastic now. Fortunes are swinging so wildly from place to place. Things need to settle down...of course when they do - what do I become? What am I 5 years from now? Hell, how would I have felt 5 years ago if this was where I was at? I'd be glad I'm still pushing it...but whew.
Then, I feel like I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be different. I have absolutely nothing stable in my life right now. It's craaaaazy. My paycheck isn't stable, my love life isn't stable, my future, present....obviously my past isn't stable. My career? RIIIIGHT. Part of me likes it obviously. It's an adventure that is always differnet - but how do you do that for any period of time. Whew. This is a worthless entry. I can barely put any of this into words because it all involves EXTREME projection. I just feeeeeeeeeel like something is wrong with this. Something just isn't right. For now, it's just a long-winded set-up to a Billy Joel Parody about selling LIBOR. LIBOR is one of the mian loan programs we sell at work. So enjoy. And bare with me, I know I'm onto something - it'll make sense soon.