5:22 PM, Sunday, January 16th, 2005:
You can take away heat, gas....even food to a degree. All of my videogames, all of my DVDs. But you take away my computer, and I seriously don't know what to do with my life.
After my last entry I came home that night and walked into the guest house...and stood. I stood in the center of the room thinking of what to do. I would turn toward a direction then stop myself. I then turned around, and stood some more. For easily a full minute I stood in the middle of the room spinning because I couldn't figure out what the hell to do with my time. It's worse than even losing electricity because without electricity you just give in. But when the TV is on, your mind/body just doesn't seperate the two. For example - I really need to make the year-end video. So it was completely acceptable to get my camcorder and start to load footage even if I couldn't upload it to the website...of course you have to load it into a COMPUTER. Heh. And you can see the pattern that was a minute of my life.
The rest of the week started to actually depress the hell out of me. I can't believe how much I enjoy The Journey. I bitch about it, I curse the discipline it takes and how humiliating it can be...but not having it up for a month? Wow. It has actually changed my mood. It's actually made me sad. Especially the end of the year/beginning of the year change which is always a favorite time of the year. Even if no one ever reads the entries or the videos - it's how I communicate. And typing without the ability for anyone to read it just isn't the same.
And of course, things are reallllllly strange now. Jess is back to help the company out for about 5 weeks - so we still call each other, I see her about every other day - but we don't live together. It's just...hard. I'm obviously lonely, but to have her so close is just like torture.
Then there's work. I  won tickets to a Clippers/Sonics game last week because I was the #1 seller - yet I still haven't gotten a paycheck. LOL. Again, it's just because a couple loans funded late and I will get paid tomorrow - but it's been very hard to stay motivated over half way through my third month there without a DIME. You can only say "it's coming" so long. And with Subway raping me, the shit just never ends. LOL. I need to get paid. It's just been a very trying week. No wife, no computer, no money, no food - a huge waiting game. And work is an ever-changing process that I'm good enough to keep on top of, but it's a helluva juggling act. It needs to calm the hell down though, because this is NOT my career. Unfortunately right now I'm so desperate and scared about how I'm going to make ends meet it feels like my career.
But there is a bit of burn out. You can't live your entire life like a constant fire. And since July of last year, that's been my life. Constant change. Constant loss. Losing Jess, having to build this guest house in record time so we can rent the house, but then realizing I can afford it without a renter, but now the affording part gets delayed - and delayed. Time keeps ticking and bills keep mounting. It's just a lot of stress with little release. Hell it actually goes even deeper than that, but I'm sure you all know by now there's a deeper story than even this journey can tell.
For now however, I'm starting to be me again. I have my computer back, the exercise bike I bought rules and the weight is coming off quickly. I'm regaining control again and hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to pay at least part of my bills. A huge weight will be off my shoulders come February 1st when a few more loans come through. I just need to be able to breathe. All the other heartaches are to be expected, but you need a few smiles here and there. Gerorges and I have been laughin' a lot at work though. He's a huge poker player and I have to admit - I think Poker is just a stupid game. Now realize, I'm good at it. In fact I don't believe I've ever lost money - ever. I don't win big, but I don't lose because I play smart. I understand the game enough to know when to hold and fold, and I play with a good mix of head and heart. Won $21 on Friday, $10 the Friday before. I'm a pretty difficult read. But honestly? The game is just stupid. It's incredibly limited. You can read about complexities and percentages and all this shit - but the game just has too much luck involved. And it just honestly isn't that deep. People treat it like this insanely "chess-like" game and...it just isn't. I've never seen a more "over-thought" game in my life. But whatever, let 'em think...'cause I need their money.
Until next-time, here's even more to ponder.