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YouTube link added 01.29.09

4:41 PM, Sunday, December 3rd, 2006:

I am not doing well.

Everyone seems to understand, and I'm told my feelings/actions are normal...but even I'm a little concerned. I have such an acute feeling of loss that it's physical. A part of me really is gone. Shizzle was a true reflection of who I was and how I raised him and I honestly feel like I look in the mirror and my reflection is gone. I spend hours watching videos of him just to self medicate my heart. If I drink just enough, and watch the images just long enough... he's right there with me. As someone who has dealt with several crushing losses in his life, I am mystified at how this can actually be harder than any loss I've ever known. His age, the way he died, the fact that he was constantly attached to my hip... I am devastated.

Of the many things that came in and out of my mind as I watched his antics on a big screen in front of me: he was me.
I never yelled at the pup for being too excited, I celebrated every emotion he could conjure up, and I had zero issues being on his level. In turn he was happy. He was never scolded for being "too happy", and even when he would jump a bit too much, I would just stop what I was doing and jump with him until he got it all out. Him being so happy he had to jump, was a connection to me. Him literally jumping into my songs to lick my face was because he liked it when I sang. I'd hit the piano keys and he would come running every time. He was completely open and showed it every second. See the correlation?
Stressful people have stressful dogs. I however hold nothing in, and Shizzle picked up on that. Since the moment Shizzle was born he has been raised to run, jump, play and be happy! His master ran just as much as he did and rolled on the floor with the same ferver and passion as he could muster. When I got the "Dream Crack" CBS call in September I went crazy just like he would and we ran through the house and backyard together. He was a reflection of me.

And of course as all dog owners know... they neeeeeeeed you. Those human eyes man. You all know I loved my cat J-Dog (the early Journey's Shizzle), but a dog really is a step closer to a kid. And when you have one that's 125 pounds that wants to be hugged and sit on your lap...(sigh). I'm rambling. I miss him so much. I have to try and edit my feelings a bit here or this site could become the daily "I miss my friend" report. It's weird, it felt appropriate to write like crazy about a divorce, but not this? I guess a divorce is a bit more complicated and intriguing. Death is just death. But the more I talk about him, or write about him, or watch him, or clear the leaves from his grave each day - the closer he is to me. Oh yeah the grave...


...I finally get the flowers at the grave thing. I finally understand the connection you feel when you're doing upkeep on a grave. I feel like I'm petting Shizzle when I take all the leaves out of the rocks on his grave. It takes forever...and I love it. I spend 10-15 minutes a day out there making sure it looks nice and neat, and I actually feel like I'm taking care of him. I never got that before. I thought putting flowers on graves was a waste of time before. I thought it was like some competition to prove you loved your dead relative more than the other plots that no one put flowers on. Or that it was just some made up ritual... Either way, I apologize for my earlier thoughts.

Roxy's still not a fan however. Heh. She wants very little to do with that section of the backyard and I guess I can't blame her. Otherwise she's... actually no, she's not doing very well. Granted I assume I'm projecting more sadness on her than could be there just because I notice she's alone, but there's just a marked difference in her demeanor since he passed. There is zero "play" in her, and a new puppy just has to be forthcoming. Has to be. She needs someone to beat up for a bit. And eventually, she needs graphic sexual harrassment...

Everything else is goin' along. The first show entry will be up tomorrow and of course try and check out The Early Show tomorrow morning as there should be an introduction to the online show as well as a clip. I really busted my ass to get it all done in time (it's just a ridiculous amount of work) and am currently uploading everything to the CBS site. Can't believe it's all starting. It really has been a blessing to be so busy during this time.

Oh and the contract is finally negotiated... man I really left some loose ends hanging when Shizzle died. Hell I talked to my dad all day on his birthday last Sunday and never even mentioned it. My head... whew.
Anyway enjoy the song (really nice chord changes, I should make it into a real song) and tune into The Early Show tomorrow.