Everyone
seems to understand, and I'm told my
feelings/actions are normal...but even I'm a
little concerned. I have such an acute
feeling of loss that it's physical.
A part of me really is gone. Shizzle was
a true reflection of who I was and how I
raised him and I honestly feel like
I look in the mirror and my reflection
is gone. I spend hours watching videos
of him just to self medicate my heart. If
I drink just enough, and watch
the images just long enough... he's
right there with me. As someone who has dealt
with several crushing losses in his life,
I am mystified at how this can actually
be harder than any loss I've ever known. His
age, the way he died, the fact that he was
constantly attached to my hip... I am
devastated.
Of the many things
that came in and out of my mind as I watched his
antics on a big screen in front of me: he was
me.
I never
yelled at the pup for being too excited,
I celebrated every emotion he could conjure up,
and I had zero issues being on his level. In turn he
was happy. He was never scolded for being "too happy",
and even when he would jump a bit too much,
I would just stop what I was doing and jump
with him until he got it all out. Him being so
happy he had to jump, was a connection to me. Him
literally jumping into my songs to lick my face was
because he liked it when I sang. I'd hit the
piano keys and he would come running every time. He
was completely open and showed it every second. See
the correlation?
Stressful
people have stressful dogs. I however hold
nothing in, and Shizzle picked up on that.
Since the moment Shizzle was born he has
been raised to run, jump, play and be
happy! His master ran just as much as he
did and rolled on the floor with the same
ferver and passion as he could muster.
When I got the "Dream Crack"
CBS call in September I went crazy
just like he would and we ran through the
house and backyard together. He was a
reflection of me.
And of
course as all dog owners know... they
neeeeeeeed you. Those human eyes man.
You all know I loved my cat J-Dog (the
early Journey's Shizzle), but a dog really is
a step closer to a kid. And when you have one
that's 125 pounds that wants to be hugged and
sit on your lap...(sigh). I'm rambling.
I miss him so much. I have to try
and edit my feelings a bit here or this site
could become the daily "I miss my friend"
report. It's weird, it felt appropriate to
write like crazy about a divorce, but not
this? I guess a divorce is a bit more
complicated and intriguing. Death is just
death. But the more I talk about him, or
write about him, or watch him, or clear the
leaves from his grave each day - the closer
he is to me. Oh yeah the grave...
...I finally
get the flowers at the grave thing. I finally
understand the connection you feel when
you're doing upkeep on a grave. I feel like
I'm petting Shizzle when I take all the
leaves out of the rocks on his grave. It
takes forever...and I love it. I spend
10-15 minutes a day out there making sure it
looks nice and neat, and I actually feel
like I'm taking care of him.
I never got that before.
I thought putting flowers on graves was
a waste of time before. I thought it was like
some competition to prove you loved your dead
relative more than the other plots that no
one put flowers on. Or that it was just some
made up ritual... Either way,
I apologize for my earlier
thoughts.
Roxy's still not a
fan however. Heh. She wants very little to do with
that section of the backyard and I guess
I can't blame her. Otherwise she's... actually
no, she's not doing very well. Granted I assume
I'm projecting more sadness on her than could be there
just because I notice she's alone, but there's just a
marked difference in her demeanor since he passed.
There is zero "play" in her, and a new puppy just
has to be forthcoming. Has to be. She needs someone to
beat up for a bit. And eventually, she needs graphic
sexual harrassment...
:-)
Everything
else is goin' along. The first show entry
will be up tomorrow and of course try and
check out The Early Show tomorrow morning as
there should be an introduction to the online
show as well as a clip. I really busted my
ass to get it all done in time (it's just a
ridiculous amount of work) and am currently
uploading everything to the CBS site.
Can't believe it's all starting. It really
has been a blessing to be so busy during this
time.
Oh and the
contract is finally negotiated... man I really
left some loose ends hanging when Shizzle died. Hell
I talked to my dad all day on his birthday last
Sunday and never even mentioned it. My head...
whew.
Anyway
enjoy the
song
(really nice chord changes, I should
make it into a real song) and tune into
The Early Show tomorrow.
