(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
unlocked 11.23.06 - YouTube link added 01.29.09
9:08 PM, Tuesday, November 14th, 2006:
Stands to reason some of the biggest "Journey Lessons" will end up being locked - but I'll do my best to write this in a way that it can be opened at some point in the near future... it just can't be now.
So in the 35 days I was waiting to get the contract, I was of course searching for some sort of ballpark. What's the precedent for how you pay someone for something almost solely internet? Thankfully Charlotte had access to people at the Writer's Guild, Screen Actors Guild, access to pages and pages of scale minimums and was able to give me a ballpark. In fact it was pretty detailed on exactly what scale was. So when I finally got the letter from Business Affairs, I knew that it was quite lower (nearly 1/3) than what I understood the minimum scale to be. So I turned it over to Charlotte and went about my business.
Then a few days later in a conference call, the same people that loved me in NY were "taken aback" at the audacity of the counter-offer and here I am in the middle of it. Welcome to Show-Biz. The particulars are irrelevant, what matters (and where the lesson lies) is what you internally have to go through when you are in my shoes. You're completely fractured. You're completely schizophrenic. You start to say: "On one hand, I think this, but on the other hand..." ...and then you realize you have 8 hands. We'll call it the Octopus Complex.
What I'm balancing of course is my fear. And I have to say, 5 years ago I would've been a basket case. The best thing that came out of the last 5 years is me truly, completely and with all sincerity being happy with who I am - without making it. And I don't mean happy as a person, I mean happy as an artist. In a line that made Charlotte's skin crawl earlier this year I said I would be happy if someone paid me to be a blogger and I could go to different cities and write music, make videos - and just chronicle it. Now it made her skin crawl because she knows I have enough talent to do so much more, and I know that too - but it doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy. I love The Journey as a canvas and it alone will keep me grounded the rest of my life.
Of course I know I can do more and for the first time in my life (on this high of a level) I have the opportunity to. So there's a part of me that is so goddamn excited that someone even wants to talk to me from C...B...S that my instinct is to take out a 2nd on the house and pay THEM for any opportunity. Of course that feeling is the epitome of fear and if you feed into that you're doomed.
The problem is emotion is always manic and logic is prozac. But you have to choose your dose wisely and the only way to choose your dose is to know yourself. I've decided to use a heavy dose of logic when it comes to this because I know damn well even a tiny bit of my emotion will throw me wildly one way or the other. Charlotte has been a huge help in all of this because she is appealing to my logical side. This is actually the perfect situation for us because although it requires trust on my part... it's trust in already set precedents that have very little grey area. My only real internal struggle is that I even have the audacity to think about something as trivial as money when there is so much opportunity sitting in front of me. That's the balance of life though. It takes quite a bit of the old intestinal fortitude and a constant process of re-evaluation. Simply put, it sucks ass.
Worse? I have to write the episode we're shooting...shit less than 40 hours away and my head is allllllll fugged up. Impossible to be creative right now and I have every pressure in the world on me. My hope is that since these negotiations are on-going I can have the pilot episode done and ready for them so they can actually see what they're getting. I believe once they see what I've conjured up in my mind, their mind will be at ease. Of course, now not only is the producer, make-up people, camera-man and all the suits in NY at CBS depending on me to have the product ready to shoot Friday morning... my entire contract negotiation depends on it being funny as hell to boot. Add-in the ever-growing stress of the locked entry from the end of October and I gotta say...
...I'm doing AWESOME. Seriously. I am actually alright. I believe in who I am, and I'm alright. It is the eeriest thing man. I have this sense of faith in myself that I've never had. You just can't shake my beliefs right now. No matter what the outcome...I really am alright. That song means more to me than it ever did when I wrote it back in September.
That really should be the goal if you're jumping into anything entertainment related...find a way to be alright with who you are, right now. If you have the fire inside you, you'll continue pursuing the "making it" dream, but if at any point you've felt like "you'd just die if you don't...(make it as a bass player perhaps)" then you are setting youself up for a disastrous fall. If you want to sing on broadway, sing anyway on High Street. If you want to be in a rock group and make great music, make great music anyway and put together tinier projects that fulfill you as an artist. Bottom line: don't be beholden to others to be CREATIVE and produce your art. Do it naturally every single day and that's what will allow you to strive for more on that next level. It will also allow you to not stress so badly over the bumps in the road.
Now granted, I am running at a high level of stress but it simply isn't manic. And that's completely thanks to accepting the worst outcome and saying: "It ain't so bad...I'm alright"
I am indeed a different person. I guess I was able to chronicle "the change" I spoke about back in 2000.