I simply
cannot take it anymore. Lying to The Journey is my one
unforgiveable sin and I've never done it in 7 years.
Granted,
this has been a lie of omission, but to me
- that's just as bad. I held it in every
single time it jumped up in my face
because I figured it was just a phase and
was soon gone. At this point, in Columbus,
it is quite clear it is anything but.
Although I haven't completely thrown
in the towel I give it two weeks in LA
before I'm completely done. Completely. To
start this off I have to post what I wrote
two weeks ago in the midst of this "fairy
tale" romance. To anyone who read the
NY entries with "sighs of love" this
should blow your fuggin' mind:
10:10 PM,
Saturday, October 14th, 2006:
I am
seething. I am angry. I am hurting. I am not sure
I have it in me to do this.
I cannot
spend an entire day catering to someone only to be
made to feel a fool for doing so...by that person.
If she doesn't want or need that person to care for
her, she's welcome to the "perfect" life she
had before me. I will never, ever, ever go to such
extraordinary lengths to show my love for her only
to have her spit it in my face...then play
"victim" because I showed my anger at being
spit on. I am the one who has been consistent
for weeks while she lied to me, pushed me away,
changed on me in an instant. I am the one who was
patient through it all, and gave her that
consistency to rely on when she needed it.
I had nothing consistent to rely on,
yet I continued to help her. Then at the end
of it all, she feels that it was her that
got me to be that for her because that's
what she needed. Her "putting it out there" is all
it was, nothing more. When she needs to experience
the abuse again, she'll get that too.
So somehow, yet
again, I have been sucker-puched. I even saw
the trap, and promised myself I wouldn't fall
into it - and actually didn't fall into
that trap. I was so focused on that
I didn't see the NEW one that was set. I
somehow found someone who was able to do exactly
what I always hoped: get me. When I held
up the mirrors, she let down her walls and really
got me. It was effortless. She listened. She saw
the potential I saw and proceeded to dream
further than she ever knew possible. And when she
was as high as she could be, she let me know that I
had "saved her life". She thanked me for being so
patient with all the shit she gave me.
The next day,
my 31st birthday, she let me know that
I hadn't really saved her life, just enhanced
it. The days that followed slowly invalidated
everything I ever had faith in. This was always
her, she put it out there that she needed someone
to come along stand up to her bullshit, and when
I did - she reacted to what she created. The
same way she needed to experience being beaten on,
the same way she needed every single thing that's
ever happened in her life. It made her what she
was, and she controlled that.
Adam, get out.
You know this at 10:28 PM on October 14th, 2006.
You know very well that you are worthwhile and
don't deserve this. Your body is telling you to get
out. Your heart is telling you to get out. Your
head is telling you to get out. Throughout
everyhing that you have put yourself through this
past month she has the audacity to play the
"victim" tonight? When she beat you down for how
many days? When she couldn't accept the fact that
you were honest and didn't agree with the way she
processed? When you recognized what was instantly
obvious to you; that she was reacting the way many
abused girls react, she had to make you feel like
you were somehow this horrible person? That
there was something wrong with you? When she just
beat you down little by little all evening until
you just cried and cried and cried because you just
couldn't take it anymore? Then, and only then, did
she give you any tenderness as if to be consoling.
She used you Adam. She used you. She fucked with
you and used you. She controlled you like a puppy,
beating you, then when you cried she controlled you
by consoling you. Then when you're at your most
vulnerable and need to touch, to feel that
closeness at least once before you're gone for over
a week? Nah, she doesn't feel like it. More
control. But wait, why does she not feel like it?
Because she says she would hate you for using HER.
She turns it around on you AGAIN. Adam, you are the
bitch. You are *****.
You were able
to deal with this on September 19th. You saw her
shit (the exact same way you are seeing it now) and
you blew her off. Then she was forced to chase YOU.
She was forced to deal with her shit then. And when
she lets down that wall? When she turns this
bullshit off and admits it? When she is (gasp)
submissive to anyone in the least? You see the core
of what she is. Now however? She knows you ain't
goin' NOWHERE. Nowhere. She owns you. She proved it
today. She proved it. Now jerk off in the bathroom
like a good little boy and take it. You ain't
cancelling her ticket. And what exactly would you
say to your family in Columbus during that week
huh? No, you'll go back to LA - talk with her for
hours on the phone and console HER, when YOU'RE the
one who got his ass handed to him - you'll meet her
in Columbus and never say a WORD of this. Hell
by the end of the week you'll even think it's all
OK. You'll feel that high again - then look out.
She'll slam you back to the ground. She'll get to
LA one way or another.
She is playing
you man. She knew damn well you lived in LA before
she even met you. Think about it Adam. Think about
it. She is using you. You've followed your heart
your entire life Adam. Where are you now? Where.
Are. You. Now?
Adam
Gulp. Sound harsh?
I actually think that's nice. If I actually gave
examples you would question my sanity.
Now at this
moment, although we aren't in LA yet, I no
longer believe she's "using me" to have a place
in LA. She's a beautifully attractive woman and if
that's what she wanted - there's easier ways to do
that. Hell she knows several people in LA. So I
rescind that part, but at that moment that was how
I felt.
At the time I
actually woke her up and calmly said all of this to
her and she walloped me again...this time with some of
the most loving words I've ever heard and I was
in tears instantly. I had thrown all this venom
back at her and she neutralized it immediately. To
this day I'm still amazed at what she said and
I mentioned it the next day in the "Thank You
Notes" entry. It was beautiful and truth be told - so
is she...
...that's what
kills me. That's what absolutely kills me. I wasn't
lying about being madly in love. I wasn't lying
about her being the most amazing person I've ever met.
It is literally Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When the bad
times hit - I can't even recognize her. I am
exhausted from this. It has been the biggest stress
I have ever felt in my life. That's where
the real LIE has been! Having to write all these
fucking "perfect" fuckin entries. Talk about
feeling like you're writing a story! GodDAMN it feels
good to write this - fuck - NOBODY KNOWS!!! I'm
lying to my friends! Lying to my family! Lying to The
Journey! GAHHHHHHH. And why? Because she's
sooooooooooooooooo amazing most of the time. I'm so
schizophrenic right now.
We'll get to LA,
I'll be open one more time...and if it dissolves again
you will have no more choices. Your heart will be
dead. Christ I said "if" didn't I... the
dreamer really never dies.
