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unlocked & YouTube link added 05.20.09
7:25 AM, Monday, October 30th, 2006:
I simply cannot take it anymore. Lying to The Journey is my one unforgiveable sin and I've never done it in 7 years.
Granted, this has been a lie of omission, but to me - that's just as bad. I held it in every single time it jumped up in my face because I figured it was just a phase and was soon gone. At this point, in Columbus, it is quite clear it is anything but. Although I haven't completely thrown in the towel I give it two weeks in LA before I'm completely done. Completely. To start this off I have to post what I wrote two weeks ago in the midst of this "fairy tale" romance. To anyone who read the NY entries with "sighs of love" this should blow your fuggin' mind:
10:10 PM, Saturday, October 14th, 2006:
I am seething. I am angry. I am hurting. I am not sure I have it in me to do this.
I cannot spend an entire day catering to someone only to be made to feel a fool for doing so...by that person. If she doesn't want or need that person to care for her, she's welcome to the "perfect" life she had before me. I will never, ever, ever go to such extraordinary lengths to show my love for her only to have her spit it in my face...then play "victim" because I showed my anger at being spit on. I am the one who has been consistent for weeks while she lied to me, pushed me away, changed on me in an instant. I am the one who was patient through it all, and gave her that consistency to rely on when she needed it. I had nothing consistent to rely on, yet I continued to help her. Then at the end of it all, she feels that it was her that got me to be that for her because that's what she needed. Her "putting it out there" is all it was, nothing more. When she needs to experience the abuse again, she'll get that too.
So somehow, yet again, I have been sucker-puched. I even saw the trap, and promised myself I wouldn't fall into it - and actually didn't fall into that trap. I was so focused on that I didn't see the NEW one that was set. I somehow found someone who was able to do exactly what I always hoped: get me. When I held up the mirrors, she let down her walls and really got me. It was effortless. She listened. She saw the potential I saw and proceeded to dream further than she ever knew possible. And when she was as high as she could be, she let me know that I had "saved her life". She thanked me for being so patient with all the shit she gave me.
The next day, my 31st birthday, she let me know that I hadn't really saved her life, just enhanced it. The days that followed slowly invalidated everything I ever had faith in. This was always her, she put it out there that she needed someone to come along stand up to her bullshit, and when I did - she reacted to what she created. The same way she needed to experience being beaten on, the same way she needed every single thing that's ever happened in her life. It made her what she was, and she controlled that.
Adam, get out. You know this at 10:28 PM on October 14th, 2006. You know very well that you are worthwhile and don't deserve this. Your body is telling you to get out. Your heart is telling you to get out. Your head is telling you to get out. Throughout everyhing that you have put yourself through this past month she has the audacity to play the "victim" tonight? When she beat you down for how many days? When she couldn't accept the fact that you were honest and didn't agree with the way she processed? When you recognized what was instantly obvious to you; that she was reacting the way many abused girls react, she had to make you feel like you were somehow this horrible person? That there was something wrong with you? When she just beat you down little by little all evening until you just cried and cried and cried because you just couldn't take it anymore? Then, and only then, did she give you any tenderness as if to be consoling. She used you Adam. She used you. She fucked with you and used you. She controlled you like a puppy, beating you, then when you cried she controlled you by consoling you. Then when you're at your most vulnerable and need to touch, to feel that closeness at least once before you're gone for over a week? Nah, she doesn't feel like it. More control. But wait, why does she not feel like it? Because she says she would hate you for using HER. She turns it around on you AGAIN. Adam, you are the bitch. You are *****.
You were able to deal with this on September 19th. You saw her shit (the exact same way you are seeing it now) and you blew her off. Then she was forced to chase YOU. She was forced to deal with her shit then. And when she lets down that wall? When she turns this bullshit off and admits it? When she is (gasp) submissive to anyone in the least? You see the core of what she is. Now however? She knows you ain't goin' NOWHERE. Nowhere. She owns you. She proved it today. She proved it. Now jerk off in the bathroom like a good little boy and take it. You ain't cancelling her ticket. And what exactly would you say to your family in Columbus during that week huh? No, you'll go back to LA - talk with her for hours on the phone and console HER, when YOU'RE the one who got his ass handed to him - you'll meet her in Columbus and never say a WORD of this. Hell by the end of the week you'll even think it's all OK. You'll feel that high again - then look out. She'll slam you back to the ground. She'll get to LA one way or another.
She is playing you man. She knew damn well you lived in LA before she even met you. Think about it Adam. Think about it. She is using you. You've followed your heart your entire life Adam. Where are you now? Where. Are. You. Now?
Gulp. Sound harsh? I actually think that's nice. If I actually gave examples you would question my sanity.
Now at this moment, although we aren't in LA yet, I no longer believe she's "using me" to have a place in LA. She's a beautifully attractive woman and if that's what she wanted - there's easier ways to do that. Hell she knows several people in LA. So I rescind that part, but at that moment that was how I felt.
At the time I actually woke her up and calmly said all of this to her and she walloped me again...this time with some of the most loving words I've ever heard and I was in tears instantly. I had thrown all this venom back at her and she neutralized it immediately. To this day I'm still amazed at what she said and I mentioned it the next day in the "Thank You Notes" entry. It was beautiful and truth be told - so is she...
...that's what kills me. That's what absolutely kills me. I wasn't lying about being madly in love. I wasn't lying about her being the most amazing person I've ever met. It is literally Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When the bad times hit - I can't even recognize her. I am exhausted from this. It has been the biggest stress I have ever felt in my life. That's where the real LIE has been! Having to write all these fucking "perfect" fuckin entries. Talk about feeling like you're writing a story! GodDAMN it feels good to write this - fuck - NOBODY KNOWS!!! I'm lying to my friends! Lying to my family! Lying to The Journey! GAHHHHHHH. And why? Because she's sooooooooooooooooo amazing most of the time. I'm so schizophrenic right now.
We'll get to LA, I'll be open one more time...and if it dissolves again you will have no more choices. Your heart will be dead. Christ I said "if" didn't I... the dreamer really never dies.