So this morning
was my first meeting with my CBS producer in LA and
the hair/make-up lady. I was so busy with re-arranging
the house, helping Keith move out to the studio, and
helping Cassi move into her new pad I really
never thought to be excited. Good thing your body/mind
doesn't worry about your preperation for such
excitement, it just throws it on you because on my way
there I became giddy. I was listening
to "Thriller" (that's the black Michael Jackson for
the youngins) and remembering listening to it
constantly when I was 9 years old and
driving my mother insane. I mean truly insane.
All the while just getting giddy at where I was
driving to, and why I was driving there. Then of
course, I get there and run into a
shitstorm.
My name wasn't on
the list, but the security guard called the producer
and got me on.
----what the hell
this guy in front of me on the plane just opened up a
compartment of the friggin' PLANE under his feet and
is trying to get in there. ?!?!? Oh apparently he
dropped something. Huh? I know we're overly paranoid
because of 9/11 but come on man - don't open up the
side of the plane. That's really
disconcerting----
Anyway, so
I get on, I'm driving to Lot F and I'm all giddy
so I pull out my camera and smile into it and talk
about how excited I am, yadda yadda - you know
goofy Adam shit. I park and go to a security
guard to find the artist's enterance and as I'm
walking up to him I hear on his
walkie-talkie:
"Uhm, he's got a
white shirt on, a black hat and he was videotaping
us."
I just kind
of smile and point to myself as if to say "That's
me!". He acts like he just found the fuckin' Unabomber
and walkie-talkie's back: "I got him, send
security."
!?!?!
I start to freak
out, because the tape I have in the camera is my
goddamn Sopranos tape. Arrest me. Shoot me even. I'm
not giving that up.
"Were you taping
our lot?"
"No man just
holding it as I am now."
Two other security
guards come and they're pouncin' boy. "What are you
doing with a camera, why are you here, etc."
So I finally tell them
"Sorry if I did anything wrong, it's my first
time here - really excited, just taping myself in the
car, I'm meeting my producer...." yadda yadda. They
ain't buying it. I give them my passport (license
stolen as you remember) and he starts writing
everything down and then the cavalry comes. 3 more
security guards and a 4th in a golf cart. Golf
Carter's fuckin PISSED. I'm showing everyone my 15
seconds of video and Carter is GRILLIN me.
I swear I was waiting for
"WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION PRIVATE?"
I explain
again, first time here - just excited and then
I finally get ahold of the producer. I have to
explain to him where I am and I do so as
follows:
"You know where
they bring the Price is Right contestants around the
side, then have them line up in the back? I'm to the
right of that"
Now I say
this with no actual "Price is Right" contestants
in line, and it becomes very clear to Carter
McFuckStick that I have indeed been here before.
I can feel his eyeballs searing a hole through me
as I explain my whereabouts to my producer Jim.
Laughing, I turn to him after I hang up and
just say: "Yeah, so I guess I have
been here before, but I meant in this
capacity..." At this point it's a lost cause. He's
gonna find some way to nail me as I must be a
terrorist. So he goes:
"WHERE'S YOUR LICENSE?!?"
"Stolen"
"WHY ARE YOU
DRIVING THEN?!?!"
"It was
just stolen, I had to set up an appointment at
the DMV for November as I'm out of town until
then."
"YOU DONT NEED AN APPOINTMENT,
I COULD HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE."
At this point
I just have to laugh. Literally laugh in his
face. I know, bad move - but for cryin' out loud
you've already verified who I am with the
producer, you looked at my passport and wrote down
pages of shit from it, and you've seen my 15 seconds
of SMILING at the goddamn camera inside my car. Now
you're just playing Rent-A-Cop who is just pissed off
that Rogers was rubbin pine tar on the baseball and
your beloved Cardinals lost.
"It said on the
internet I needed to have my picture taken again
even for a replacement - not sure what to tell you.
I thought my passport would be sufficient
ID. That's what I used to get the parking
pass the guard at the front gate gave
me."
Then Producer Jim
shows up and we shake hands as I say "Nice to
meet you..." Oh McFuckHead loved that. I keep
name-dropping this producer like he's my best friend
in the world and then he watches me say "Nice to meet
you" to him. That one sent him over the edge.
"You're
NOT parking in MY lot without a DRIVER's
license. You have to leave, park on the street, and
walk in." Jim
is just befuddled and to tell you the truth? So were
the other security gueards. Once, what should we call
him now... Carter McSnazzyPants (that's nicer) - yes
once McSnazzyPants left the other Security guard just
laughed saying: "That's a new one on me,
I thought the passport was more than enough."
So I
taped over the footage with a nice shot of
my lens (which makes for the greatest
jouney
video
ever
- LMAO, I'll add some of the stuff from
before and after to round it out) and
proceeded to leave the lot and Jim let me
in a turnstyle on the side. He was being
all apologetic when he walked me to the
car and I kept saying: "DUDE! You
don't understand! This is the best Journey
fodder EVER!" Who will ever forget Carter
McNeedsALife?
For the next 4
months I swear to you I will be certain to
smile and wave at Carter every chance I get.
I may even try and videotape him.
:-)
So Jim shows me
around, and I'm tellin' you every step it hit me a
little more. This is a gigantic facilty, in
size yes, but moreso in history. Where I'm getting my
make-up done is right off the Price is Right stage,
which was also the Carol Burnett show and where they
taped All in the Family. This ain't a little cable
channel - this is a network. He runs me through
CBS News and shows me the "Living Room" set for
"The Early Show" and I see how that's all gonna
work out, and then it's up to meet Jodi who will be
doing my hair and make-up. He brings out full color
copies of The Trinitrons (sorry I'm just gonna call
them that until absolutely forced to call them the
Egos - yech) that he printed up from my site and we
just have a ball. Jodi is so excited to be doing
something fun and creative and just got the biggest
kick out of how good the 4 characters looked. Loved
the sets, loved the whole idea - was just so happy. Of
course I'm bouncing off the walls too and again, this
all hits another level for me. She explains
that she's gonna need to go shop for the wig for G,
but should have Spencer and Dewey's already - but if
not she can find them. Explains how the airbrush will
work wonders for dying eyebrows and facial hair, thus
avoiding the lovely waxing and shaving abuse from
years past. It just started hitting me over and over -
I'm with the big boys now. She's the make-up lady for
The Late Late Show, Young and the Restless, Bold and
the Beautiful... she's been in the game awhile and she
was so appreciative of how well fleshed out the
charcters were and of course I'm beaming. I can't
even believe I'm HERE. So we make a date for a test of
everything right when I get back from Ohio and we
leave all giggling and excited.
Then he asks if
I want to see the Price is Right set from onstage
and of course I do. In January I was in the
audience and now I'm standing onstage, looking at all
the games from backstage - all I could do was
yell: "Plinko! Plinko!" Which unfortunately was not
there - :-(. It was a blast. This building holds so
much television history I can't barely stand
it.
So we go back to
his office to talk about a few things and I pretty
much lay out exactly what my intentions are with this:
I want to give CBS every reason to run a full 2 minute
segment, on the early show, whenever they talk about
it - as opposed to just playing a tiny clip 3 times a
week. Then of course on the site we'll have a longer
version - but my thought is that if I make
something that's ridiculously well produced and fast,
and funny announcing the contestants for the talent
show, there's no reason they won't choose to run that
instead of having one of the other hosts just read off
the names. The fact that I'll be standing on the Early
Show set from Hollywood will be the perfect tie-in.
Jim completely understood and even said that was a
pretty good idea on my part. Earlier I had
explained how all of this happened with me staying out
3 extra weeks just to pitch something and he
was really impressed. He said that Steve (the VP of
CBS) must really have a strong feeling about me
because they really have bent over backwards. I agreed
profusely and said I was so honored to have this
chance and there was just no way I was going to
let any opportunity slip away now. As I've
mentioned before - I'm now in the game. There's no way
I'm not shooting some 3-pointers and going for some
dunks. I cannot wait this long to get in, and then
pass the ball and feel like I've accomplished
something just by getting in. Not after 7 years. No
way. I'm stealing the ball and breaking some
records.
The last part of
this has to do with the breakfast I had with
Charlotte on Sunday that really cemented all of this.
Re-opening the old 2001 sit-com idea about the
over-the-hill boyband. That writing exercise that
basically did our relationship in, is now so obvious
we have to address it. It is so blatantly clear
that with these shows for 13 weeks, I'm going to be
pitching these characters to CBS specifically.
On their own network they will watch these characters
develop in front of their eyes and the jump from that
to pitching the sit-com is not even a jump. It's so
obvious I wouldn't be surprised if they don't mention
something to me as if it were their idea...and that's
what I want. I need to make it so funny, so
quick, make it work on so many levels that it screams
MORE. Meanwhile writing the pilot and bible with
Charlotte and preparing to blow everyone away
again with characters that are 10 times deeper
than they ever imagined. It's tailor-made folks. I'm
doing it FROM the inside now. I'm literally
getting the opporunity to show them weekly what
I can do, for over 3 MONTHS, and then have the
opportunity at the end of that run (or even in the
middle) to pitch more show ideas to not only a captive
audience, but people that already have a vested
interest in me! They want to help me because
they discovered me and brought me this far...
...is it all
clicking for you guys yet? See how this is just the
beginning? See why I couldn't think about this
AT ALL in New York because my head would
have exploded? WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO. It's actually
happening. And I'm actually on an airplane to
introduce Donna to my family and then fly back to LA
with her. My life is a friggin' fairy tale folks. Even
Carter McPenisEnvy just adds to the fun.
HAHAHA.
Hit the forum
feedback button and give me your name ideas for our
friend Carter...
