(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
not posted until 10.08.06 - YouTube link added 01.29.09  
10:38 PM, Thursday, October 5th, 2006:
I'll say it now. Yesterday will stand as the most life changing day I will ever have on this planet. Kids will be a close 2nd. You guys thought yesterday was a big day? You literally did not know the half of it.
Now I"m not sure how to really catch everyone up with this but let's just say 2 weeks with Donna only compounded what we knew the 1st week: undeniable connections on so many levels we are dumbfounded at what to do next. We had already agreed ridiculously early on that October 10th (the day I fly back to LA) was not "the end" but exactly what that meant was hard to comprehend especially with my permanent address being in the hands of CBS. At first I was sure I would be back in LA so we talked about all those possibilities. For Donna's acting career, since she has no interest in theater, LA is an obvious choice. Then when I got word of the "pitch" meeting everything shifted to NY for a week or so and we agreed that if I was moving to NY we'd live together. Either way we were going to be together. It wasn't even a slight consideration of doing anything long distance. In all honesty within 3 days of 30 straight hours of talking, it just wasn't option. We were just waiting for things to pan out with CBS...
Of course you all know what happened. So when I saw Donna yesterday morning as I walked out of CBS I just hugged her and said: "You're going to LA babe..." - then told her the whole story. What followed however was the night we met all over again. Unbeknownst to me she had tried to call me the night before from work, and since I was in the subway I didn't get the call until the following morning. So her night was spent overanalyzing what it must mean since I always got back to her before. She was certain I was going to go to CBS the next day, get this great deal, and just go off with some other woman and forget all about her. I would call that a "chick" train of thought...
...if it wasn't EXACTLY what I do whenever things are going great in my life. LOL. Now in my defense, I think that way to be prepared, but I don't let it effect my actions. Something was up with her. Especially tough because I was ready to sit down and talk to her about everything as a couple. These were really big moments and we needed to be a team here. This apparently was akin to talking about SKINNING PUPPIES to Donna who wanted no part of it. Her attitude, and not to be shitty - really just her experience and attitude was: "What I say doesn't matter, you're going to do what you want."
That little doozy came out at the infamous Tom's Diner of both Seinfeld and Suzanne Vega fame. Adam got PISSED. For literally 3 hours I'm trying to include her in everything that's going on and she keeps saying: "This is a YOU day, stop worrying about ME". And I keep going - "No this is an US day, we need to talk about this if we are going to DO this. CBS is no longer in the air, I have to now deal with what this means, and I need your help."
When we left that diner I have to admit, I thought this was O-VER. We went to a bench to sit and talk on Broadway until a group of tourists went apeshit when they saw "THE SEINFELD RESTAURANT!!!" and literally stood over us to take pictures. So we moved further down 112th to the park and started what I thought was the end of everything. She just said she has never been in a relationship that was truly an "us" thing and that she wasn't sure if she could do that. I made it clear that with something this monumental, ya gotta talk. Ya gotta communicate EVERYTHING you're feeling...or it's gonna blow up like Tha Godfatha down the road. What I needed today, of ALL DAYS, was someone to confide in, talk to - and make some huge choices. At this moment I was still thinking about trying to come to NY to be closer to the people at CBS. I was all over the place, and that's when you need your partner to throw in their 2 cents... a concept completely foreign to her and one she apparently didn't believe existed. Man what men can do to women in 28 years is pretty impressive. It angers me to no end. To all women: WHO ARE YOU to not be equal in a relationship? Who are you to not have your voice heard? Who are you to think you aren't as important as anyone else on the planet? Who are you not to be loved and respected? You RULE this planet! It's yours to take...if you just WANT it. I don't want to get all femi-nazi here but if I have a daughter, she's gonna beat your son's ASS in everything she attempts. Who is she to believe for a moment that she's lesser than him? Fuck that noise.
The thing is...if she really believes that - I can't be in a relationship with her. I can't be with someone who has constant fear of being AMAZING. Who is afraid of LIVING. Because if you are, I will steamroll you by no fault of my own. Together however, we'll rule the world. That much energy going outward? Man, look out. And I see that in Donna to an EXTREME extent - but that scared little kid comes out every once and awhile and appears in very subtle ways. Bottom line here is it's that same fear that made her feel like she had no place in the LA/NY decision. It was her fear that made her say her opinion didn't matter. I said it to her and I'll say it publically: we do this as a team. We obviously have our own seperate careers and they wll at times take us to different places, but at our core we have to be a team. If that isn't a rock-solid foundation from the beginning we might as well call it off the second I leave on the 10th.
Hold onto that for a moment...
Throw in Smiley Girl. For Cassi yesterday's news was as bittersweet as you can imagine. Had I chosen NY, she would continue living in the house with the pups and rooting for me with all her heart. Coming back to LA meant she would need to move out. All of this coming out of fucking NOWHERE for her. As I said previously, our relationship was very openly "temporary" but that doesn't make any of this easy, especially not at warp-speed. All day I was sick to my stomach with how painful this must have been for her, and how blindsided she must feel. We talked quite a bit throughout everything and she knows that I care deeply about her and truly never intended any of this. Miracuously we broke it off before I even knew of a "Donna" so that helps for sincerity's sake. My concern for her has nothing to do with who is "right and wrong" and everyting to do with heart. Imagine being so happy for someone and at the same time knowing that it means you have to move from a place you love dearly and no longer see that person on a daily basis. Yes, that's life, but it still sucks. So my heart was ridiculously heavy with that and I interracted with her as much as I could online and on the phone.
Now let's throw-in even more fun: there's the phone calls, all day, to every family member you can get ahold of re-telling the same life changing incredible news. The best news you've ever told anyone on the phone EVER. This was actually a joy, but everyone could hear in my voice that I was WHOOPED. I was juggling more shit in my head than ever in my life and it was next to impossible to tell my brain: "OK! This is HAPPY, so talk HAPPY!" a minute later:  "OK, this is DEPRESSING, talk heartfelt". So hard people. Sooooo hard. Everyone's like:  "Are you just SOOO Happy?!?!" and I'm like:  "So happy I want to cry." LMAO.
Now add in - the ticking clock. I leave in 6 days. What's gonna happen with Donna? Are we OK? Was she just momentarily freaked out? Is it even feasible to try and pull of a move like this after knowing someone for 2 weeks? Thankfully after a bit of time, we were able to really sit and talk about things and what we wanted. I have to remember that if you've never had a successful relationship, your mind is going to jump to your closest relative scenario and it's hard to break that. I however, have had several extremely honest, open, wonderful relationships that extend to this day and most likely my whole life even if it didn't mean until death do us part. So with a little patience and communication it was very clear what would happen with Donna. We jumped online and bought some plane tickets. We are meeting in Ohio on the 24th of this month to meet friends and family, and then flyng back to LA together on November 1st. When all of those tickets were bought last night I have to admit...I started flippin' out.
In a good way mind you, but suddenly it ALLLLLL hit me. CBS, Donna, my whole life - just WOW. I know I'm romantic and do impulsive things...but this was even pushing it for Mr. Passion. Hell I need a drink just reading about it. The Journey Gods literally went on strike because they can't take it.
As we walking back to the subway we were looking for a place to eat and we passed Tom's again. I just looked at her and said: "We can't leave it like that. We can't get sick to our stomach every single time we watch Seinfeld, we need to rewrite a bit of history" So for the first time in my life, I ate at the same restaurant twice in one day less than 8 hours apart. That's romance to me. That's the button to the story. We sat there and giggled at the craziness of it all and caught ourselves staring off into space trying to contemplate what actually transpired in less than 10 hours. Life is beautiful if you allow it to be, and nothing more beautiful than this:
Every New Yorker knows far too well about missing the subway by SECONDS as you're trying to swipe your card and catch it before the doors close. I somehow did the impossible by getting my luggage stuck on the turnstyle? If you don't know, once you turn that puppy - that's your $2. You can't keep turning it. Seriously, how in fuck's sake did I do that? Of course we miss the subway... and I'm standing there trying to get my friggin' luggage as Donna is ROLLING ON THE FLOOR laughing at me. LOL. I have to admit it was pretty damn funny. I finally just said "screw it" and pulled out the camera. Eventually someone came through and I was able to get it unstuck. Now that I think of it I could've pushed it backwards and maybe rolled it under... I still would've missed the subway though, and I made you all smile. Yay Journey.
Alright - I'm out through the weekend for sure. I have to relax a bit. Expect a very special entry on my birthday Monday.
PS - Sopranos audition moved to the week after I leave, now that I'm not coming back to NY, it seems that fairy tale has a sad ending. If I'm assured even background I'll fly out again, otherwise I have just too much going on to squeeze it in. LOL - typing that is so surreal to me.