(click the picture
above for the high definition
video - but also click
not posted until 09.18.06 -
3:13 PM, Monday,
September 11th, 2006:
It's been hangin'
out there for awhile now, and the time has finally
come to break the final eggshells. Man - what the hell
made me think I could knock these 3 out in one
entry back in June? Whew.
To the newcomers,
when June started I thought things would finally
be dying down a bit and I started to write an
entry concerning the 3 women in my life: Jess,
Charlotte and Cassandra. They all played huge roles in
different and very trying ways. They shaped my
character daily and I had to deal with them
all... but with a forum like this it's like... well,
like typing on eggshells. The hardest of course being
the one I put off for 3 months...
When Smiley Girl
came into the picture in May last year I was
struck with a plethora of strange feelings that really
taught me more about who I was than I had ever
imagined. The responsibility I felt for this girl
who was giving it up to make a life for herself in LA
was overwhelming at times. When she was out too late I
was suddenly in the role of worried dad staying up all
night. I remember thinking: "What the fuck
is THIS?" It was just the most surreal position for me
to be in and it stressed the ever-lovin' hell out of
me. No matter what though, I saw her potential
and really wanted her to have the best shot at pullin'
loving and caring turned into a relationship, but one
with a strange caveat... we weren't getting married.
Imagine that, an Adam Kontras relationship that
doesn't end in a ceremony. I'll be damned. LOL. For me
the age difference was so extreme that I could never
come close to shaking the "fatherly" feeling. Call it
arrogance on my part, but when you had your own talk
show at 19 and have traversed through 2 divorces and
gigantic career changes... you are faaaaaaaaar removed
from the avearge 30 year old. And 20? So those 10
years between us were insurmountable. At the time
however, it seemed ridiculous not to be happy,
comfortable and loving just because we weren't working
towards some societal label. So we were.
Well, I turn
31 in a matter of weeks and suddenly the carefree
"floating" of our comfort and happiness seemed wildly
irresponsible to a guy who wants a family. Throw in
the potential of moving to NYC and it's just time. The
good thing about all of this is that it isn't a shock.
I have never communicated so much, so often, with
someone in my entire life. I'm sure somewhere deep
down Cassi always believed we would be together (don't
we all think that at 21?) but as is the case with
every woman I've ever known, I've always been honest
and there will be a strong friendship from this point
on. Man, you must all think I'm gay. LOL. That just
occured to me. "Hmmmmmm, so he has allllllllllll of
these platonic relationships with ex-wives and
ex-girlfriends.... HMMMMMMMM" Heh.
This entry however
is MUCHO locked. I haven't spoken to Cassi
specifically about this, but you can see it in her
demeanor since I found out about CBS and New
York. She knows that it's borrowed time at this point.
She's an incredibly attractive girl with a great job
and she's gonna soar out here. She's still stayin' at
the house (I swear the thought of leaving Shizzle
is probably more tragic to her than us breaking up)
and we're all great friends. I am seriously
bummed about not being able to hang out with them for
3 weeks! Campfires, videogames... I just love
hangin' out with 'em.
won't be up until I talk with Cassi and she talks
with her friends and family - there's really not much
"eggshellish" about it. It's been a tough subject
to broach however because it's kind of rare that
people put themselves in such a position. Most people
would choose not to spend time being in love
for fear of the pain later... I have just never lived
like that. To avoid love and happiness, even if
temporary, because you know it will be sad at some
point ISN'T LIVING. Which is why "Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is one of the best
movies I've ever seen. The last scene almost brought
me to tears. I just thought: "YES! THAT'S IT" -
it totally nails the meaning of life to me. I'm almost
jealous I didn't do it first. Heh.
So smile babe.
There's always a silver lining...
if anyone ever tries to call you
as a term of endearment punch them in the