(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
not posted until 09.18.06 - YouTube link added 01.31.09
3:13 PM, Monday, September 11th, 2006:
It's been hangin' out there for awhile now, and the time has finally come to break the final eggshells. Man - what the hell made me think I could knock these 3 out in one entry back in June? Whew.
To the newcomers, when June started I thought things would finally be dying down a bit and I started to write an entry concerning the 3 women in my life: Jess, Charlotte and Cassandra. They all played huge roles in different and very trying ways. They shaped my character daily and I had to deal with them all... but with a forum like this it's like... well, like typing on eggshells. The hardest of course being the one I put off for 3 months...
When Smiley Girl came into the picture in May last year I was struck with a plethora of strange feelings that really taught me more about who I was than I had ever imagined. The responsibility I felt for this girl who was giving it up to make a life for herself in LA was overwhelming at times. When she was out too late I was suddenly in the role of worried dad staying up all night. I remember thinking:  "What the fuck is THIS?" It was just the most surreal position for me to be in and it stressed the ever-lovin' hell out of me. No matter what though, I saw her potential and really wanted her to have the best shot at pullin' this off.
Inevitably that loving and caring turned into a relationship, but one with a strange caveat... we weren't getting married. Imagine that, an Adam Kontras relationship that doesn't end in a ceremony. I'll be damned. LOL. For me the age difference was so extreme that I could never come close to shaking the "fatherly" feeling. Call it arrogance on my part, but when you had your own talk show at 19 and have traversed through 2 divorces and gigantic career changes... you are faaaaaaaaar removed from the avearge 30 year old. And 20? So those 10 years between us were insurmountable. At the time however, it seemed ridiculous not to be happy, comfortable and loving just because we weren't working towards some societal label. So we were.
Well, I turn 31 in a matter of weeks and suddenly the carefree "floating" of our comfort and happiness seemed wildly irresponsible to a guy who wants a family. Throw in the potential of moving to NYC and it's just time. The good thing about all of this is that it isn't a shock. I have never communicated so much, so often, with someone in my entire life. I'm sure somewhere deep down Cassi always believed we would be together (don't we all think that at 21?) but as is the case with every woman I've ever known, I've always been honest and there will be a strong friendship from this point on. Man, you must all think I'm gay. LOL. That just occured to me. "Hmmmmmm, so he has allllllllllll of these platonic relationships with ex-wives and ex-girlfriends.... HMMMMMMMM" Heh.
This entry however is MUCHO locked. I haven't spoken to Cassi specifically about this, but you can see it in her demeanor since I found out about CBS and New York. She knows that it's borrowed time at this point. She's an incredibly attractive girl with a great job and she's gonna soar out here. She's still stayin' at the house (I swear the thought of leaving Shizzle is probably more tragic to her than us breaking up) and we're all great friends. I am seriously bummed about not being able to hang out with them for 3 weeks! Campfires, videogames... I just love hangin' out with 'em.
Considering this won't be up until I talk with Cassi and she talks with her friends and family - there's really not much "eggshellish" about it. It's been a tough subject to broach however because it's kind of rare that people put themselves in such a position. Most people would choose not to spend time being in love for fear of the pain later... I have just never lived like that. To avoid love and happiness, even if temporary, because you know it will be sad at some point ISN'T LIVING. Which is why "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is one of the best movies I've ever seen. The last scene almost brought me to tears. I just thought: "YES! THAT'S IT" - it totally nails the meaning of life to me. I'm almost jealous I didn't do it first. Heh.
So smile babe. There's always a silver lining...
PS - if anyone ever tries to call you Smiley Girl as a term of endearment punch them in the face.