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7:26 PM, Friday, August 4th, 2006:
"And I will always be heartbroken that Jess isn't part of this anymore. Always. The Journey isn't the same without her. It has a bit of "soul" chunked away. That will never stop being sad to me. I just want to make sure she achieves her dreams. Everytime I talk to her I just want to put her on my shoulders and help her get higher than she is. Goddamn that feeling is so overwhelming. Strange."

-Entry #500, March 10th, 2006


Strange is putting it mildly.
The passion in me to inspire is starting to define me. In almost every relationship I currently have I'm finding that my goal is to positively influence their life...drastically. Looking back, this is obviously true with Palaur, Minialaur...and I guess it isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I know full well what I'm trying to do is nearly impossible. The sort of life changing inspiration I'm trying to give really has to come from within...so by even trying to attempt it, I'm setting myself up to fail miserably. Yet I keep trying.
It's manipulative really. Isn't it? Even though it's positive? I mean, I just want the people around me to have happy, positive lives... for example: I've been trying to help Marrrrrrrrty MOOSE understand ways to manage his finances so he has more freedom in life. Yet, I don't give up if he doesn't do it. Or trying to help him lose weight, or shit - anything we all struggle with. Yes, he's my friend, I care about him...but I KNOW that I go further than most. Whereas most people would say:  "You can't make people change..." I know that, yet keep trying. Keep believing, keep hoping, and honestly - keep getting disappointed as I continually know the outcome before it happens. Enough exposition Adam, the eggshells are bracing themselves:
When Jessica and I split, there was this unwritten agreement... We both knew damn well that we had an incredibly special bond. All the minor squabbles were just that: minor. The bottom line was where to spend the rest of our lives and there was no compromise. So what we were doing was sacrificing the most incredible bond we'd ever had with someone... for something even better. Sounds insane, but that's how impossible the city situation was for us. I would be a miserable prick living back in Ohio and Jess was completely unhappy in LA on every level. As 2 people who loved one another we knew what needed to be done... but back to the agreement part:
It all made sense if we took the time and care to find that special bond with someone else wherein the respective significants had one major advantage: they were cool with Columbus and LA. It was what made this never really feel like a failure. The vision of her with a loving husband who was fine staying in Ohio and her raising kids with her family next door... that literally brought a tear of joy to my eyes. That meant I helped her. That meant I did the most loving thing any husband could ever do and let go of something you cherished knowing in the end they would be happier...
...but what if that didn't happen? What if they somehow got into situations worse than the original? What does that mean? Who judges worse/better? Would that make the whole marriage a total failure? You sacrifice an incredible connection with someone only to watch them paint themselves into a corner and erase their hope of achieving their dreams?
Imagine if I met a girl, got her pregnant and moved back to her family in MINNESOTA because she had to be near her family. Wow. That's actually the first time I ever even thought of that scenario, but I think we'd all be in agreement that that would suck ass. Like CLEAN SPHINCTER sucking. It would make everything with Jess completely worthless and would make our parting ways an utter failure on every conceivable level. We were better off staying together.
I know, I know - this is the finest example of trying to "Have your cake and eating it too". What we're trying to achieve is so astronomically unfeasible and the obvious outcome: One person thinks they know better than the other what's right for them and you cross that line. Up until about 2 month ago Jess and I spoke almost daily. Yes, 2 years after the split we have always been connected. Then a series of events pissed me off to such an extent I literally cut off ties. I couldn't believe what she was risking and was flat-out ANGRY.
Twistedly - I was angry not only for her... but for ME! You fuck your shit up, and then ipso-facto our split becomes a failure? When all this time we were able to kid ourselves and act like it was this amazing gift to each other? What a ridiculously unique situation THIS is. It's like being a dad and no one being good enough for your daughter. Ugh. At some point you just let go and realize that it's not your place, you've done all you can do.
This is typing on eggshells obviously because I'm avoiding any actual specifics about what's angering me out of respect for Jess and Gunner Greg. (LOL - I could make the funniest entry ever I swear to you). Oh well it's all filled with my bias anyway. What? He's not like me in EVERY POSSIBLE WAY!?!?!  WHAT THE FUCK! You're ruining our DEAL!!!!
Good song though...
The one thing that we knew,
The moment we were through,
We promised we would not forget the love,
We'd sacrifice the now,
To make our future dreams somehow,
But only settle equal or above,
But now you don't,
Or you won't,
Be you,
Where'd you go?
Don't you know
It's you,
Just believe,
And you'll see,
The virtue...
I never thought you'd block out the sun...
I know I'm flirtin' too,
With comfort tried and true,
I promise you she's more aware than him...
You're playing with a fire,
That will scorch you as a liar,
Treat this like a war and not a whim...