There
is something extremely personal about how
I deal with everything that has no
business being on paper (errrr on monitor)
or being shared with anyone. Yet it pops
its head up every now and then simply
because I personally need to remind myself
of the toll The Journey is. It makes no
sense to the casual reader, you see a guy
screamin'
and singing some strange
song
- but it means everything to me.
At some point the
whole thing will probably converge into some true
hollywood story or some tabloid cover but right now it
sets within these pages as strange little markers
scattered throughout an otherwise "open" story. The
Journey has layers you can't imagine.
I have no
idea whether the past 4 months will stand alone in
this crazy story or they're just the start of a
non-stop barrage of shit that I will have to decipher
and work through for the forseeable future. I do know
that this has been the most difficult period
I have ever had to chronicle - EVER. I'm not sure
how I can manage to keep up if things get any
more hectic. 54 entries in 4 months is just out of
control. And that's not even touching on how much of a
toll it has all been emotionally to keep everything
up. Seriously - scroll through just the titles and
entry names starting April 1st. Un, fucking,
believeable what has occured in the past 4 months and
even more astounding that I'm still standing. And
since there are quite a few contacts and possibilities
that aren't going anywhere anytime soon, this ain't
over. Hell, "America's Got Talent" starts their second
season in JANUARY - so it's quite clear that I'm most
likely in the midst of this roller coaster, not at the
end.
Amazingly, I am
stronger now than I've ever been. This is the sort of
thing that beats your ass so hard - that you stand up
stronger. THESE 4 months build character. This
is a different type of stress than I've ever
experienced. The stress of losing big opprtunities is
infinitely more fun than the stress of anonymity and
not having the slightest clue which way to go.
I always got the stupid-ass words of wisdom from
people about dealing with all this LA shit and
what they never realized was that - I'm not even in
the GAME. NOW I am. It's a game full of
rejections and heartbreak - but I'm happy that's even
HAPPENING. I will almost shed a tear when
I actually don't get the ball ripped away from me
at the last second. As I said before - that's almost
comforting...because I've been there so long. I also
know, it won't go on forever. I'm too good.
I know, arrogant coming from mr. no-name at 30 -
but I fuckin' am. At some point, I'll be
the guy bumping the next kid off the Olbermann Show.
That's right - it will be MY addiction to
oxy-contin and my future arrests that will get the
spotlight! LMAO.
The past 4 months
however I have to put behind me. The toll it's
taken on my body and soul is very high. It won't
happen again. I know the triggers to my
self-destruction (I sure can make gaining a
couple pounds sound dramtic eh?) and I'm stronger
because of it. I've spent all day today working on the
yard and flushing out all the shit that has built up
in my body as the past month or so has tested me on
every level imaginable. Thank the fuck Christ I have
no penchant for drugs or alcohol. Oh and thank the
fuck Christ for Billy-Bob Thornton who uttered those 4
words in Bad Santa and changed my vocabulary for the
better. I love how incredibly filthy that movie is.
We've come to combinations folks. We've abused the
language so hard for so long that we're down to a
mixture of bad words giving us the satisfactory
feeling of word-shock that at one time "damnit" could
emit.
Ever notice the
majority of my paragraphs start off with a concise
direction and then unravel into the synapses of my
brain? I am the worst writer ever...yet I love reading
shit written like this. Go figure.
-I will
finish the "Typing on Eggshells" entries next month
(Journey willing)...
-I will
introduce a whole new avenue of possibilities as
Charlotte is on-board with the whole videogame show
idea and has already spoken with G4...
-I will
start the series of entries involving the next
cartoon: "The Bible Told Me So"...
And of course we
still have the CBS/Early Show contact and hopefully
the spotlight of Dewey's piece and the end of
America's Got Talent - Season 1 and hopefully looking
forward to some changes in the show that will get me
in. Oh and... I need a job.
