Has a better
picture ever been taken? That's my grandmother and
grandfather at the Copacabana in New York in the
mid-50s. The style just oozes out of that picture and
even the woman behind them tells a story. I have gazed
at this since I was a baby and am still enamored
with what it captures: A 50 year love affair we should
all strive to have in our lives. I am heartbroken for
my grandfather and will be for quite some
time.
My grandmother
passed early this morning at 4:35 as peaceful as can
be imagined. Her strength and determination turned
what was to be a day at the hospice into 10 days
literally baffling the doctors and nurses. One guy in
particular, 2 days after giving her less than a day,
had to finally say: "My crystal ball is closed, she is
obviously an incredibly strong woman." Unfortunately
cancer is so devastating that once it spreads into the
blood stream, all the strength in the world isn't
going to stop it...she just gave it everything she
had.
Once
again, many of us are on another 40 hour
stretch. This hour actually marks my 41st
without sleep. I woke up yesterday morning
to watch the announcement on CBS, and have
yet to go back to sleep. It's all so
overwhelmingly emotional, I'm completely
numb at this point. No choice but to take
that route as we all have responsibilities
to get the arrangements done in time. The
funeral is just over 48 hours away and
I have about 30 hours to finish
scanning hundreds of pics for the viewing.
We're all in that mode, the
grieving will come later.
Finding
the pictures however, has been a labor of
love. The 50s time period for pictures was
like no other. Unfortunately once cheap
technology came into the picture - we got
shots like this:
Is that not a
"spoof" of the 70s? For cryin' out loud there is
not ONE part of that picture that doesn't scream
"EXTREME 70S STEREOTYPE". LOL. Literally every
single piece of clothing on those 5 people would look
bad today. Socks, shoes, pants - even the cut of the
tank tops - LMAO. Brilliant picture.
Anyway, spending
the day looking through photo albums has been
wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time...but
needed either way. The hardest part was that she
passed today and we had no choice but to go into that
mode. I have a feeling Tuesday is going to roll
around and we're all gonna just collapse. Although
I have stayed up for 40, even 50 hours straight
before... I have never done it 3 times in the
span of 10 days. We're all being tested for
sure.
I am hardly in a
mode to wax poetic on my personal feelings about my
yia-yia. I did not have the relationship with her that
I did with my grandmother who passed in 2000, as
divorce tends to change everything, but what strikes
me more than anything though is just how vibrant and
"with it" she was. She had all the spunk and wit
of a 30 year old. She would say things you just
couldn't believe someone in their mid-70s would say
and you immediately knew where our whole family got
their strength, courage and determination from. I
think that's why it is hitting everyone sooooooooo
hard. This was not an old woman by any stretch of the
imagination (her mother lived to her late 90s) and we
all just KNEW she had another 20 years in her.
We're all just shellshocked and I know that I'm
personally months away from accepting this. Which I
believe, is completely OK. I just don't hide from that
at all. I will be extremely angry about this, feel
shortchanged, feel depressed....just feel. I am not
ready to move on, and truth be told won't even
consider it until I know I am ready.
I pray that everyone in our family gives everyone
else enough respect to not judge how we all choose to
deal with this. No matter how "right" your process
is...it's still your process.
I'm
still in shock that my world is changing
so quickly around me and I can't seem to
hold onto it. I'm still shocked that I
chose to move 2200 miles away from my
family when I care so deeply about
them all. I'm still shocked that the place
that I said goodbye to on January 1st,
2000 is now missing pieces of me that
I could've spent more time with. I'm
even more shocked that I have no doubt
that I'll get back on that plane on the
24th and keep fighting the
fight...
But
more than anything, as I said at the
beginning, I am just heartbroken that
the most shining example of passionate
love shared between two people is now a
memory that we all have to try and
remember as opposed to watching them dance
at an event like a couple half their age.
Hell a couple half their age would be
lucky to move like that. Their
relationship will inspire the dreamer in
me for the rest of my life.
