Although the date
says July 5th, it's actually still July 3rd to me.
I have been up since 8:30 AM Monday morning,
nearly 55 hours ago, with two 30 minute naps to show
for it. We are all completely wiped out and I had
a quick moment to share some thoughts.
I'm back at the
same hospice house (literally across the hall) that I
was at in 2000 when my first grandmother passed. It's
one of the more peaceful places I've ever been but
it's certainly not easy to retrace your steps from
such a traumatic event, and even harder when it's the
same disease taking a loved one. And once again cancer
attacks so unexpectedly and with such immediacy we're
all left standing with our jaw dropped trying to
understand how something could change so quickly
overnight. This was in the "treatment" stage as
I landed yesterday and the second I walked
through the elevator doors they said she had pneumonia
and may not make it through the day. Whew. She barely
did and this afternoon she was moved to the Hospice.
I'll be with her all night tonight as
well.
The family,
although shellshocked, have been so good with each
other. Everyone here seems so much more concerned for
someone else in the family, and that person is in turn
more concerned for yet another member of the family
caring for someone else... It's a cyclical pattern
that has been woven throughout the past 2 days (and 6
weeks before I got here)...and it's just
inspiring. Even watching my grandmother last night
with one of her grandaughters who was shaken up
saying: "I love you, it's OK". There is an
overwhelming safety net of interdependence and support
and no one is falling through the cracks. Every
sentence that is spoken in regards to "How are you
doing?" begins with: "Well I'm really more
concerned about..." and so on, and so on, and so on.
It's extraordinary.
On a personal
level (which honestly hasn't crossed my mind until I
opened this laptop), I'm just shocked at how surreal
this is. Anyone who has been away from home for a long
period of time will probably understand what
I mean when I say this, but every family
member becomes a character in a book. There's a
detatchment from the family you knew as a child when
you lived in the same city and you only see them at
weddings and funerals. They've always aged a bit more
than you remember, and since you always see them at
emotional extremes, they become caricatures. The
longer you're away from home, your memories begin to
resemble that of movie characters since like the
movies, you only see the important parts. Just bizarre
how glaring that is and just how much I miss
"hanging out" with my family with absolutely nothing
pulling you one way or another.
Another
moment that's sure to effect the way we
all see this holiday for quite some time,
you could see several of the city's
fireworks displays from the top floor of
her hospital room. In the midst of such
devastating news and an absolute haze of
emotions at 10 PM we started seeing about
6 different fireworks shows from all over
the city. We all just kind of stopped and
took 'em in for a bit. There were no oohs
and ahhs...just
watching.
Not sure we'll
ever watch fireworks the same again...though
I have to admit - that will be a nice way to
remember my grandmother in the future.
They've told me
we're very close, so I need to shut this down for
now. I don't know how I'll have the power to be able
to document the coming showdown on CBS, but I'll try
to write a bit each day, even if I have to take
the time and upload it at a later date.
Thanks for your
thoughts and emails at this time. It means a
lot.
