So
goodbye to April and May, I'm seeing you on
your way,
I
can't take anymore drama, I'm going back to
my ways...
Back
to the plotting and scheming man, who let
nothin' get in his way,
Oh
I've finally decided my future lies, beyond
April and May...
I am
devastated that the lyrics I wrote a year
ago fit again. How does "The Journey" do it? How
does it encapsulate feeling into a month so well?
April 1-30: perfect. Then immediately, May 1st,
the ball started to drop. By the end of May I'm
completely wiped. I want so badly to write all this
off and start fresh again in June...
...but I can't
really. As you can see this entry is not part
of the AGT Series, so nothing is official, but
I talked to my point person and it's pretty clear
it's over. Something happened and we'll probably never
know. For shits and giggles at close to 7 PM last
night I called and she actually answered.
Extremely cordial. I am on "hold". I am one of 13
acts that were selected but for some reason no longer
fit. It has nothing to do with any technical
aspects...we are apparently just the
"understudies" to the real acts. They're not
looking at us to fill the next tapings (the 5th is
filled and the 10th is not yet), they're looking at
all the other cities and we are the "in case shits" as
Chris Rock calls it. They will look at their "holding
pen" in case shit happens to the big dogs. The
rub in all of this will become clear once you see the
show in less than 3 weeks on the 21st. How was I one
of the big dogs and then pulled a day later... I beg
all of you to watch as much of the show as possible,
because it will embody "The Journey" like nothing
else. You will feel this puppy on that night
like you never have.
I must admit,
I am whoooooooped over this. I'm trying so hard to be
upbeat but the only time I feel alright with
everything is when I completely ignore the
magnitude of it all. Then again, lots of "losses" in
life actually need a healthy dose of that to heal. You
have to put it away for awhile and bring it out from
time to time and test yourself: "Does this hurt
now? YES, OUCH, LATER". And so on until it starts to
lessen.
However, I am
officially done with the day-to-day waiting
bullshit...I am indeed moving on. Jesus even as
I type that I still envision some
miraculous phone call at the last minute sweeping me
away. The dreamer never dies I guess. Whatever, either
way I am forcing myself to move again. Pick up
that random wire on the floor, that pair of scissors,
that camera, zip tie, guitar, SVHS videocassette,
tripod, shoe, paper, trash, picture from the
AGT audition, jacket, bag, TV, stewie slipper...
yes my mental state is shown in my ability to keep
house. LOL. Move on and accept the fact that I am now
unemployed (probably for good from that company now)
for absolutely no fuckin' reason and figure out what
I'm gonna do with my life. The next cartoon is a
given, but that certainly doesn't pay my bills. Well
actually, lol, it does now that I think of it -
but not enough. That, and
I FUCKING HATE MAKING THEM.
HAHAHAHA. I find that so funny. The one thing
that gets me national exposure I get so litte
enjoyment out of I could cry.
Avoided in all of
the hoopla of the last 2 months is my relationship
with the now three ladies in my
life: Cassi, Charlotte and Jess. There simply was
not room for more pages devoted to all the changes
occuring on that end of things, but rest assured in
June there will be more time to explain. As the long
time readers can imagine, any other month a reuniting
with Charlotte would've been 6 songs and 10 entries by
itself. With the dust finally settling everything is
coming into focus a bit more. Of course this is the
area of life that is literally "typing on eggshells"
(that's so the next entry title) because you can't say
nothing, but you can't really say
anything... It's a fine line, and I will
attempt to walk it soon. It's as character defining as
anything really.
Man, these lyrics
really do nail it:
So
goodbye to April and May, I'm seeing you on
your way,
I
can't take anymore drama, I'm going back to
my ways...
Back
to the plotting and scheming man, who let
nothin' get in his way,
Oh
I've finally decided my future lies, beyond
April and May...
You
know what's funny, I bet that in
say...10 years...I could feasibly do
a YEAR'S worth of entries, and never
make 1 new video. I'd never do that of
course, half the fun is creating new ones
- but it's uncanny how old ones can apply
SO WELL to
different situations. I do love The
Journey boy. I am more passionate
about this project than anything I've ever
done... including 4tvs (Charlotte, stop
wincing). Heh, that inside comment will
make more sense after the next
entry.
But in all
seriousness, as wonderful as April was, May stained
that comforter big time and I am GLAD it's behind me.
June can't possibly be gloomier than
May...
...(sigh) WHYYYY
do you say shit like that?!?!
Adam
(full lyrics as
this was a horrible recording)
When are you
gonna come down? When are you going to
land?
You've
ignored your career for months now,
You need to
get up and stand...
You can't be
lost forever, remember 2002?
You're
running out of time to wait for
someday,
But you're
too young to be singin' the
blues...
So goodbye
to April and May, I'm seeing you on your
way..
I can't take
anymore drama, I'm going back to my
ways...
Back to the
plotting and scheming man, who let nothin' get in
his way...
Oh I've
finally decided my future lies, beyond April and
May...
