YouTube link added 02.02.09
2:51 PM, Sunday, May 21st, 2006:
Wow, this has really hit a new level for me in the past 48 hours, culminating in what had to be one of the most realistic dreams of my life. The producers were sitting around a table discussing everything and I happened to be there. I told them about my struggle to get 4tvs off the ground and they put me on the show. As I called Charlotte to tell her, I was in tears. Because I was happy? No, because I couldn't take anymore. I knew that in a week everything would change again and it was killing me.
Halfway through the call I realized the producers were sitting around a my LIVING room. LOL. I woke up soon after. Made me giggle a bit at how real that felt when it was so obviously ridiculous.
Besides that dream, I've spent the majority of the time trying to really get perspective on this. Am I just being a sore loser? Is there any explanation that would make me feel better? Each time I search my soul for the answers, I keep seeing just how different this situation is.
If all you ever did was play "spoons" - I mean your whole life. You released spoon ALBUMS. You kicked so much ass at spoons it was "freakish", there was no doubting that, but it was to the detriment of your entire career. "Why don't you try, I don't know - DRUMS dawg... the spoon thing ain't gonna help you"... but you just stuck by those spoons. Then one day, there's a national television show that spotlights the best use of spoons as a musical instrument. You try out, they love it - they book you for the show, it's your moment...
...and then a day later everything changes, you're off the show, no explanation. You even GO to the taping of the spoon show to see if maybe you're missing something, and it's even more clear how perfect the show was for your exact talent. What should your reaction be? What is a healthy response to that? For me, it's so inexplicable that it simply doesn't register. It's so obviously a mistake, surely someone will catch it. It's so obvious that you're dreaming... at some point you'll wake up. It doesn't even make sense as a story. No one can understand it. You start having to come up with outrageous scenarios to come up with any reason, because again - they called you. At one moment they thought you were perfect, and what changed?
My concern is, I'm not sure how I get past this. My gut reaction right now? Go 4tvs WILD. Put the $10,000 into it - upgrade it, make a million new sets, perform it CONSTANTLY - push it until I die. I'm not sure why that is my reaction, but I guess I'm realizing that when it comes down to it - that is what I want to be known for. It's simple really. If my first national exposure is 4tvs? Whew. Look out. Nothing is out of the realm of possibility. Nothing is a stretch. "Oh the 4tvs guy is doing a CD? Yeah, he was a good singer" "Oh the 4tvs guy is gonna be in a sitcom? Totally, he was really funny." It goes on and on. Try this: "Oh that liberal war protester is gonna release a CD? OOOH can't wait to hear how much Bush sucks for 13 tracks. I'll be sure to pick THAT up." "Oh the liberal war protester is in a sitcom? Why, is it animated? What the fuck?" EVERYTING becomes a stretch at that point. Listen, I'll take the exposure no matter what - but it's now an uphill battle of immense proportion. 4tvs is absolutely PERFECT for avoiding that - and this show? Tailor-made in every possible way. Again, when you see it you will be beside yourself. You have no idea how much you'll think you're in the twilight zone. In fact, I guarantee - at some point after it airs, someone unkowingly will come up to me and go:  "DUDE, you see that America's Got Talent show? You should totally try out for that." Guaranteed.
And again, I'm not saying all this because I wasn't picked. I'm saying it because I WAS PICKED. I was booked. And then allllllllllllll the sudden... nada. My original point person won't return any of my calls, and you all read the email I got. It defies allllll explanation and I can't seem to get past it. Obviously, eventually I will. All the things I said a couple entries ago are still true - I'm still ME, and I am blessed with a bunch of talents to work on... but after seeing the taping I really am fucked up. It went from "crazy story" to "inexplicable story" immediately.
On what to do next, Charlotte doesn't want me to sound desperate. She said even that email I sent to the producer was pushing it...but my heart is telling me - that I need to fight. And FIGHT DESPERATELY HARD.
I made this video of the act being performed ON the America's Got Talent stage (all from memory), I want to send it to every producer's email I can find to make SURE they saw what I was gonna do, and there's no mistake. I want to write them. They're still asking for mail-in submissions...I want to mail-in a submission. But Charlotte thinks that will hurt us. So I have to defer to that...right?
See, this is the shit that happened in 2001/2002. I want to listen to those who know more about the business than I do, but my heart says- SPEAK FROM THE HEART. Because when you do that? There's NO regrets. As it stands? If I do nothing for fear of "looking desperate"? How insincere is that? Fuck it, I am desperate! This isn't just another part I think I'm really right for...this is the only opportunity I have ever had for 4tvs in 7 years. And at one point, ALLLLLLLLL of the producers saw it, one even said it was on her favorites list, and they CALLED ME and welcomed me to the show.
Goddamn. I just don't know how anyone could deal with this. You don't get the callback... c'est la vie. But this, this is soooooooooo different. I can't wrap my head around it. I have to somehow trick my brain at some point - and rationalize my way through this because I can't seem to get anymore information. Listen, I know this is a tough town - and it's cut throat, but give me a fuckin' break. The producers aren't ROBOTS. There is certainly a legitimate reason for why everything changed in the period of a day.
Someone please level with me.