Wow, this has
really hit a new level for me in the past 48
hours, culminating in what had to be one of the most
realistic dreams of my life. The producers were
sitting around a table discussing everything and I
happened to be there. I told them about my struggle to
get 4tvs off the ground and they put me on the show.
As I called Charlotte to tell her, I was in
tears. Because I was happy? No, because I
couldn't take anymore. I knew that in a week
everything would change again and it was killing
the call I realized the producers were sitting
around a table...in my LIVING room. LOL.
I woke up soon after. Made me giggle a bit at how
real that felt when it was so obviously
dream, I've spent the majority of the time trying to
really get perspective on this. Am I just being a
sore loser? Is there any explanation that would make
me feel better? Each time I search my soul for
the answers, I keep seeing just how different this
If all you ever
did was play "spoons" - I mean your whole life.
You released spoon ALBUMS. You kicked so much ass at
spoons it was "freakish", there was no doubting that,
but it was to the detriment of your entire career.
"Why don't you try, I don't know - DRUMS dawg...
the spoon thing ain't gonna help you"... but you just
stuck by those spoons. Then one day, there's a
national television show that spotlights the best use
of spoons as a musical instrument. You try out, they
love it - they book you for the show, it's your
...and then a day
later everything changes, you're off the show, no
explanation. You even GO to the taping of the spoon
show to see if maybe you're missing something, and
it's even more clear how perfect the show was for your
exact talent. What should your reaction be? What is a
healthy response to that? For me, it's so inexplicable
that it simply doesn't register. It's so obviously a
mistake, surely someone will catch it. It's so obvious
that you're dreaming... at some point you'll wake up.
It doesn't even make sense as a story. No one can
understand it. You start having to come up with
outrageous scenarios to come up with any reason,
because again - they called you. At one moment they
thought you were perfect, and what
My concern is, I'm
not sure how I get past this. My gut reaction
right now? Go 4tvs WILD. Put the $10,000 into
it - upgrade it, make a million new sets, perform it
CONSTANTLY - push it until I die. I'm not sure why
that is my reaction, but I guess I'm realizing that
when it comes down to it - that is what
I want to be known for. It's simple really. If my
first national exposure is 4tvs? Whew. Look out.
Nothing is out of the realm of possibility. Nothing is
a stretch. "Oh the 4tvs guy is doing a CD? Yeah, he
was a good singer" "Oh the 4tvs guy is gonna be in a
sitcom? Totally, he was really funny." It goes on and
on. Try this: "Oh that liberal war protester is gonna
release a CD? OOOH can't wait to hear how much
Bush sucks for 13 tracks. I'll be sure to pick
THAT up." "Oh the liberal war protester is in a
sitcom? Why, is it animated? What the fuck?" EVERYTING
becomes a stretch at that point. Listen,
I'll take the exposure no matter what - but it's
now an uphill battle of immense proportion. 4tvs is
absolutely PERFECT for avoiding that - and this show?
Tailor-made in every possible way. Again, when you see
it you will be beside yourself. You have no idea how
much you'll think you're in the twilight zone. In
fact, I guarantee - at some point after it airs,
someone unkowingly will come up to me and go:
"DUDE, you see that America's Got Talent show? You
should totally try out for that."
And again, I'm not
saying all this because I wasn't picked. I'm saying it
because I WAS PICKED. I was booked. And
then allllllllllllll the sudden... nada. My original
point person won't return any of my calls, and you all
read the email I got. It defies allllll
explanation and I can't seem to get past it.
Obviously, eventually I will. All the things
I said a couple entries ago are still true - I'm
still ME, and I am blessed with a bunch of
talents to work on... but after seeing the taping I
really am fucked up. It went from "crazy story" to
"inexplicable story" immediately.
On what to do
next, Charlotte doesn't want me to sound desperate.
She said even that email I sent to the producer
was pushing it...but my heart is telling me - that I
need to fight. And FIGHT DESPERATELY
being performed ON the America's Got
Talent stage (all from memory),
I want to send it to every producer's
email I can find to make
SURE they saw what I was gonna
do, and there's no mistake. I want to
write them. They're still asking for
mail-in submissions...I want to
mail-in a submission. But Charlotte thinks
that will hurt us. So I have to defer
See, this is the
shit that happened in 2001/2002. I want to listen
to those who know more about the business than
I do, but my heart says- SPEAK FROM THE
HEART. Because when you do that? There's NO regrets.
As it stands? If I do nothing for fear of "looking
desperate"? How insincere is that? Fuck it, I am
desperate! This isn't just another part
I think I'm really right for...this is the only
opportunity I have ever had for 4tvs in 7 years.
And at one point, ALLLLLLLLL of the producers saw it,
one even said it was on her favorites list, and
they CALLED ME and welcomed me to the
I just don't know how anyone could deal with
this. You don't get the callback... c'est la vie. But
this, this is soooooooooo different. I can't wrap my
head around it. I have to somehow trick my
brain at some point - and rationalize my way through
this because I can't seem to get anymore
information. Listen, I know this is a tough town
- and it's cut throat, but give me a fuckin' break.
The producers aren't ROBOTS. There is certainly a
legitimate reason for why everything changed in the
period of a day.